Eating disorder, or disordered eating?

I know a lot of people find these posts annoying, but I don't know where else to go. I deliberately chose not to look for support in an ED community, though I will probably do so a little later on. I wanted to try here first for a lot of reasons that I won't go into right now. Mainly, at this point, I think I would have a harder time discarding comments I receive here. I may take them more seriously, where on a specific ED forum, I would be able to rationalize concerned honesty away as projection.

I guess I'm getting a little worried about myself. I'm not denying that I have an eating problem, but I've always wondered where disordered eating crosses the line and becomes a full-blown eating disorder. Is it the extent that the problem impairs daily functioning, or is it something related to physical health (or lack thereof)? Something else entirely?

Another question, and this one is probably ridiculous: When does EDNOS turn into anorexia? I know, I know, amenorrhea and BMI under 17.5, but right now I'm wondering exactly how strict those guidelines (well, diagnostic criteria...) are.

I've been diagnosed with EDNOS in the past, but that was years ago, and I'd since gotten better. Kind of. I never really got over my obsession with food and weight, but the behavior had, at one point, been under relative control. It's not anymore. When I earned my first EDNOS diagnosis, I was around 110 lbs. at 5'4" and hadn't lost any periods yet. After treatment at Renfrew, my weight was in the 120s. I did lose a little when I returned home, but it wasn't more than 5 or 6 pounds, and over the next 2/3 years, I did a fairly good job of maintaining.

I don't know what happened, or exactly when things got so bad, but somewhere along the line I started restricting heavily and lost a lot of weight. Right now I'm 92 pounds, and I'm having a hard time rationalizing my problem when I've just realized that my "love handles" are actually hipbones. I don't think I'm truly anorexic because I've only skipped one period so far, but for a few months now it's been very light and only lasted about 2 or 3 days (normally it's 7 or 8). And that's not real amenorrhea...right? So, no matter how much I weigh, unless menstruation completely stops for 3 months, I don't meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia.

On the other hand, I don't really feel like I'm EDNOS anymore either. Right now I have a hard time eating more than 400 calories a day, I exercise excessively and compulsively, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that food is all I ever think about anymore. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's gotten bad. Intolerable, even for me (which is saying a lot, as I'm usually the epitome of denial).

I'm just very confused right now. And angry over how pathetic I've let my life become. At the same time, though, I have real doubts that this problem is as big as I'm making it out to be. I mean, I still eat every day. I haven't lost 3 consecutive periods. I maintain a straight-A average in school and still manage to make it to almost every class. Despite everything, I can force myself to function when I have to, and if I had a serious problem, would I really be able to do that? And no matter what my scale says, I still think I'm fat. I still feel really, really fat. I have a psychiatrist who monitors my weight on a monthly basis, and he's never expressed any real concern that I'm getting too thin, so maybe I'm just making a big deal over nothing? 92 sounds worse than it actually is because I have virtually no muscle, and muscle weighs more than fat. I look closer to 102. Could it be possible that I don't have an eating disorder at all, that maybe it's just...severe disordered eating? I guess it doesn't matter - a problem is a problem, regardless of label - but the diagnosis does make a difference to insurance companies. And right now I'm having a lot of problems getting proper treatment (i.e., a competent therapist/psychiatrist) because of that.

I know this post has been full of contradictions, but that's basically what my life has become: one huge contradiction. Logically, I know I need more help than I'm getting right now, but I'm scared to tell anyone I know in real life just how out of hand things are because, aside from the one good friend who does know, I'm worried that nobody will take me seriously. I'm terrified that people will look at me, see that I'm nowhere near too thin, and write me off as an attention-seeking "ana" wannabe (that's what happened the first time around - and no, even then it wasn't true). I DON'T want to be seen in that light; I would rather suffer silently.

But I really, really don't want to suffer like this anymore. I'm confused and getting scared...any advice at all would be appreciated - really, because these days I can't think beyond the next meal I don't plan on eating.

Darling.. sounds to me like you're an anorexic. You may still be menstruating, but I can tell you now.. you won't be for long. You've got a severe body image problem as well, which is possibly a contributor in your not being able to see that you've got an eating disorder. People can be naturally underweight and still menstruate, yes, but these people don't eat less than 400 calories a day and dont 'force' themselves to function when they 'have to'. I was sort of in the same boat as you, on three seperate occasions: During the first, I was eating very little, but still had my period and wasn't underweight. On the second, I was eating more, but underweight and had no period. Now, I'm eating enough and have my period, but still underweight and afraid of gaining. I've gone through all the symptoms of anorexia, and as far as my dietician is concerned, it was the second phase that was most worrying, and the phase in which she says I would've been considered an anorexic even though I was eating a sufficient amount. If the term 'eating disorder' doesn't seem serious to you, as your case is, I would say you're anorexic, and you don't need to delve into the technicalities of it.

I definitely agree with Revolution. You may not technically be classified but you obviously have a problem. I was the same way. I never got down to 92 lbs and 400 calories a day but I was down to 112 lbs at 5'4 and 700 calories a day and I lost my period for about a year. So I was never classified as anorexic either but I had a problem. I now try to eat 1300 calories a day (I just started doing that after a recent relapse to 800 calories a day) and I feel bad about eating all that. But I know that I just need to push through it b/c I know I will be healthier that way. So I think if you can't get through this without help you definitely need to get over it and tell someone.

Research based...

 You know, it is great that you recognize your problem and are trying to seek resources to help yourself.  While I do not have those resources, I do want to share with you (and others who may be reading this) that there is new research on the topic of anorexia.  The study shows that anorexia can be neurologically based -- that the anxiety, obsession and compulsions individuals with anorexia experience stem from chemical reactions in the brain.  It has long been thought that anorexia is a problem stemming from poor self-image when in fact, in some people, it could be way more---neurologically more.  This is why professional help is mandatory in order to properly diagnose the root of the problem in order to properly treat your symptoms.  

 

Good luck to you!  Keep us in touch with how you are improving!

 

hun periods have nothing to do with it. nothing. I just got mine and  I hadn't had it for 5 months before this. and I am far from anorexic....you can still have you period and be anorexic.

I've been to the doctors...got my blood tested and there was nothing wrong.

I am in the same boat, darling!
I have been going through long periods of restriction (exactly as you described it) and short periods of binging. All I think about is food, I think not a second passes by without me thinking about it.
You do have a problem, but the first step to recovery is admitting you have one!

I don't really have advice but I'm here if you ever need support!

anorexia nervosa is a psychological diagnosis, not an eating problem.  these diagnoses consist of checklists: if you have so many symptoms on a list, you're considered anorexic (i have a DSM-IV-TR, if you want me to look it up).  you're in a dangerous place, but it sounds like you have a pretty high awareness of what's going on, and that's good.  you know the difference between reality (hip bones) and your flawed thinking (love handles).  you should keep looking for a doctor/therapist, but in the meantime, try to focus on reality and not let yourself buy into the flawed thinking.

I have struggled with eating disorders off and on for years. About six months ago I became dangerously thin and anemic. I did not realize how physically and physiologically ill I was until my hair began falling out. I had no energy…it was a complete depression that did not revolve around being fat; my thinness was more of a physiological illness. I knew I was too thin when i would cry whenever I saw my skin and bones body in the mirror. My friends and family were deeply concerned for me.

My road to recovery has been every hard but I am so proud of the progress I have made. I went to numerous specialists and have gained over 15 pounds in the past few months; I am back to my old self and feeling and looking great!!

I just want to say to all the girls who are struggling with some of the same issues…hang in there because you can beat this. It is a very scary thing to try to do alone. SEEK HELP. It is important to make your body happy and finally enjoy life. It is important to love yourself in your own skin. Because beauty is health, and that must start from the inside out.