Eating disorder not otherwise specified? (Long post)

I am beginning to think that I might have this. 

First of all, I am 23 years old, female, 5' 8", weighed about 150 lbs at the start of April, and now I am about 129 lbs.  My original goal weight was about 123 lbs, but for now I am maintaining because I am satisfied where I am.  Until the end of August, I was eating an average of 1500 calories per day, and burning off an average of 300 calories per day through exercise, to lose about 1 lb per week. 

I have always been concerned about my weight.  I was never overweight, but I have always thought I was too fat, or I was always afraid of getting fat.  In April, I decided to change my lifestyle.  I tried to cut out junk food and eat better and get more exercise, and I lost about 9 lbs by mid-May.  When I gained 2 lbs back after a big BBQ weekend, I decided I needed to start counting my calories to be accountable for everything I ate and not have any setbacks.  So I was counting calories, and I realized that some foods have serving sizes in grams written on the packages, and I didn't know how many grams I was eating.  So I bought a food scale, and started weighing everything I ate.  I got really obsessive about it, to the point where I would get angry at my boyfriend if he didn't weigh out food while he was making dinner for me.  If we ate out, I tried to guess the portions, and I took notes of everything I ate so I could log it later. 

So I kept exercising every day and trying to eat right.  I had a few bad days, but no real problem there, right?  And I was steadily losing about 1 lb a week most weeks until I lost a total of about 19 lbs by the first week of August.  Then the weight loss stopped.  I had hit a plateau, and it made me crazy.  I got a lot stricter with what I ate, and started exercising more to burn more calories.  I even avoided going out with friends to get out of situations where there would be alcohol and unhealthy food.  Still no weight loss. 

Then, I think I had my first official binge at the end of August.  I was at a party, and I ate until I felt sick, which I have never really done before.  Even though I was full, I just kept eating and eating.  I felt terrible.  Since then I have had maybe one or two "binges" a week where I consume anywhere from 3000-5000 calories in one day.  Maybe it's not really binging.  I feel in control.  I make a conscious choice to eat despite feeling full, just because the food tastes so good and I want more.  It feels kind of liberating, after months of trying to avoid these foods to give in and finally eat them.  And I don't feel guilty while I am eating.  It's pure bliss.  It's the next day when I feel guilty.  I think, "Oh crap, there goes my weight loss."  So I go back to eating only a certain number of calories each day and exercising, avoiding junk food, trying to get my average for the week near maintenance so I don't gain any weight. 

I have actually broken my plateau and lost 2 lbs since my first binge, even though my average calorie intake has been slightly above maintenance level since then.  But I know eating like this isn't healthy.  I have to find a balance between healthy eating and eating what I want, I can't keep up this vicious cycle of binging and then restricting myself. 

I actually think that calorie counting has ruined my intuitive eating.  I used to be an intuitive eater.  If I wanted something, I ate it, but if I was full I stopped eating it.  My choices were not always good (I have a major sweet tooth), but even though I was eating sweets and drinking alcohol and eating out somewhat regularly, I was maintaining my weight at around 150, give or take 5 lbs.  When I started calorie counting, eating was no longer about eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full.  It was about reaching my calorie target for the day.  If I was approaching my target I got afraid of eating anymore, despite being hungry.  Or, if my calories were too low for the day, I filled the gap with something even though I wasn't necessarily hungry for it.  It has gotten my internal cues out of whack. 

I really want to stop counting and live a normal life.  But I'm afraid if I stop counting, then I will gain all the weight back.  I have lost about 21 lbs so far.  I am the thinnest I have ever been, and the happiest I have ever been about my body.  I used to be size 10, but I am wearing a size 6 now.  I haven't worn this size since I was in the 7th grade, and that was before I was my full adult size.  Everyone tells me how great I look. 

My boyfriend especially loves that I have lost weight.  I live in Japan and he is Japanese, and they are worse than Americans when it comes to worshipping the super skinny look.  He always tells me how thin and sexy I look, which is nice, but also when he sees me eating he asks me if it's ok for me to be eating like that, he tells me to stop eating when he sees me eating sweets, he says things like, "You can't eat this because it's not low-calorie," and, "Keep your weight like this, don't gain the weight back."  I think that he is kind of contributing to my problem.  I tried to talk to him about the possibility that I might have an eating disorder, but he didn't take it seriously.  He said that everyone wants to eat whatever they want, everyone eats too much and feels guilty about it sometimes, all women diet, it's not a big deal. 

Yeah, maybe I don't have something really serious like anorexia or bulimia, but I think there is something not quite right with me.  I am obsessed with food and weight.  When I am online I am always reading the Calorie Count forums, or looking at pictures of food or recipes, or looking at pictures of celebrities and models who I want to look like.  I like going to the grocery store just to look at food.  I like walking by restaurants to look at the menus and the plastic food models, even though I have no intention of going in.  I dream about food.  I am always looking forward to and planning my next meal.  I was never like this before.  I just want to be normal again.

Sorry about the long post.  If you made it to the end, thanks for reading this.  If anyone could offer any advice for me I'd really appreciate it.

Original Post by kurichan:
 Since then I have had maybe one or two "binges" a week where I consume anywhere from 3000-5000 calories in one day.  Maybe it's not really binging.  I feel in control.  I make a conscious choice to eat despite feeling full, just because the food tastes so good and I want more. 

Hey, read through your whole post and agree that your obsessiveness with food is not normal and certainly not a good thing. However, I wouldn't classify it as an eating disorder. The part I quoted is actually quite different from people who have BED (binge eating disorder). When they binge, they feel out of control. Their decision to continue eating is not really a conscious decision.

And binges are more like 3000+ calories in one sitting, not day. I probably eat over 3000 calories at least twice a week, and yeah I consider that overeating, but I wouldn't call this binge eating disorder. I'm like you - I'm eating simply because the food tastes good, not because I feel out of control. I'm very much in control and aware of what I'm doing. 

A lot of people while dieting become obsessive with counting calories and food. This can be dangerous and can turn into something more serious, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have an eating disorder. Actually, I think the fact that you're aware that you're obsessive indicates you do not have an eating disorder. Most people with EDs are in denial for a while. 

So I guess what I'm saying is that you need to work on this obsessiveness thing and perhaps see a therapist or nutritionist. But I wouldn't start freaking out about EDs bc I don't think you have one (yet). 

Good luck with everything :) :) 

You're certainly flirting with dangerous behaviour.

Binging after restricting is normal. It's the body's way of fighting off the threat of starvation. All humans are biologically hard-wired to binge when the body perceives famine; you begin to crave food, your satiety signals are lowered, stress and hunger hormones rise and your body makes physiological changes to allow you to keep on eating far past the normal point of fullness. This is a great evolutionary survival tactic, but it's distressing when dieting causes our survival instincts to kick in.

You need to eat enough to break the diet-binge cycle. That means eating at least enough to maintain - no more dieting or you will stay trapped. Eat regular meals, even if you're not hungry, at least to begin with: 3 meals and 3 smaller snacks. Eat a wide variety of foods and make sure you include your favourite foods so that you don't feel deprived. Make sure you are eating enough fat, as very low fat levels can sometimes cause binges.

If you are concerned that eating certain foods will set off a binge, start by eating them in small amounts and focusing on "legalising" that food - allowing yourself to eat it with pleasure and without guilt. Focus on eating slowly and mindfully; slowing down can really help prevent that out of control feeling.

Aside from the physical reasons to binge, you need to work on the mental aspect also. Do you binge just because you are hungry, or because you are afraid, or anxious, or angry, stressed, lonely...? I'd suggest you talk to a therapist and try and resolve this problem before it snowballs into a fully-fledged eating disorder.

I also think you need to have it out with your boyfriend - he's being a total dickhead. If he doesn't respect you and love your body at any size, he's not worth the time of day. Not all women diet and even if they did, that wouldn't make it ok, just a sad reflection of how warped our society has become. He has absolutely NO right to tell you what you can and can't eat, weigh, think or do. It is YOUR body and not his. His dismissal of your worries about developing an eating disorder is callous - do you really want to be with someone who just wants your body, and doesn't love you for your mind and soul? All I see him doing is encouraging your guilt around eating, which is keeping you locked into the diet-binge cycle.

I also have a few resources on my profile page you may be interested in looking at.

Thanks for the replies, I felt better after posting that.  Had a nice satisfying lunch and I'm feeling good now.

I've been looking over my food logs trying to figure out what my triggers for eating are.  Boredom/lonliness is a big one for me.  Also having sweets around the house, but not just any sweets, they have to be homemade or already open packages or something that won't keep long.  I feel like I have to finish it all before it goes to waste, haha.  I overeat when I go out with my friends too.

merylwhite1, my boyfriend does respect me and love me at any size.  He still always said I was sexy when I was heavier.  He just says it more now that I have lost weight, and that's understandable because I do look better.  I talked to him about it again today, and he said he knows about my weight loss goals so he was just trying to help me and be the supportive boyfriend with his comments.  He didn't know that they were having the opposite effect and actually making me feel worse.

And I think his dismissal of the eating disorder thing was just because they don't really have an awareness of eating disorders here in Japan. Their BMI standards are different too, my doctor here told me that a BMI of 17.5-23.9 is healthy, and anything above 24 is obese (there is no overweight range).  I would bet that 95% of Japanese women are on some kind of fad diet or have an eating disorder.  This is a culture obsessed with food and weight, even more so than America, and I think just being here has added to my own body image issues.  When I had another talk with my boyfriend about my recent problems, I showed him the wikipedia article in Japanese on eating disorders, and after he read it he got really concerned and was offering to take me to the hospital right then and there.  He said that every girl he has been with had issues with food and their weight, so he thought it was normal for girls to be like that.  He said me being able to eat large quantities of food and not worry about it was one of the things that he found attractive about me when we met.  He didn't know that eating disorders are serious and that people can die from them.

I think I know what I need to do.  Avoid my triggers, eat normally, etc.  I feel like giving up the calorie counting and getting back to intuitive eating would fix my problem, but just thinking about giving it up scares me.  It has become an addiction for me.

"I am maintaining because I am satisfied where I am."

That's the biggest sign that you do not have a disorder.  You are restricting heavily, and then feel squashed with the responsibility and pressure of restricting, so you assert yourself to be in control by binging, and then feel like you have to restrict because of the pressures...  That's what I got out of it anyway.  If you chilled out a little, I think this would all go away.  You just need to break the cycle.

I could see how your bf is trying to be supportive. Different cultures have different ways of expressing themselves, and being Japanese, he probably was just trying to help you reach your goal.

I'm hispanic and had a hispanic professor once (here in the u.s.) who told me that I had let myself go and now have to lose some weight. I wasn't insulted because I knew where he was coming from. He saw himself, as my professor, as someone who should always guide me in the right direction, regardless of the topic. This is normal in many hispanic cultures. He was tying to be helpful, not insulting.

In fact, I appreciated the fact that he cared enough to tell me the truth. I have always had "yo-yo" weight issues. In my experience my "American" friends (I'm american too) won't say anything about my gaining weight, and in fact lie about how i look in order to not hurt my feelings, but then when I lose weight, they say - "wow - you look great - it's great that you lost ALL THAT WEIGHT", even if it's the same weight I started at. This is dishonest, and not helpful. Kind of like your friend not telling you there's a booger hanging from your nose, even if you're at a party. Not helpful. The friend who tells you you've got a booger pokin' out - helpful.

The fact that he liked you at your heavier weight is a good sign too.

I think once you get the hang of calorie counting/portions, you'll probably relax a bit, even if you choose to calorie count for the rest of your life.

I, for one, have found that maintaining the calorie counting habit is the most helpful for me, and the most enjoyable as I tend to eat a wider variety of foods when I do.

Oh - and CONGRATS on losing the weight!

V.

I agree you need to focus on maintaining right now.  Put away the measuring spoons and scale.  Just eyeball your measurements this will help you relax.  If you do decide to drop a couple more pounds in the future cut back just a little and take it slow.  This will help avoid triggering binges because of cutting back too much.  Lots of luck.

Ok, I have thought about it a lot and I think I definitely don't have an eating disorder.  I think I just felt down because I binged before I posted this topic and had a fight with my boyfriend about it. Also, I just went back to the United States recently, so a combination of all the good food available there, and all the sweets and snacks I brought back to Japan with me were tempting me to overeat.  Now that I am back in my normal routine I feel totally fine.  I have been doing well this week, eating healthy foods, exercising, and even enjoying sweets in reasonable portions.  Luckily I only had this bad overeating habit for a short time and my weight was not negatively affected by it.  I was able to maintain despite quite a few slip ups and that is amazing to me.  I am super motivated now to keep maintaining, but in a healthy way without overeating, of course.