Eating disorders and what other people don't understand

Over the past few months i lost my weight in a healthy way. I got down to about 120 doing so. Eventually after following the same "healthy" routine i wasn't seeing a change on the scale and it made me depressed because i used to get so many compliments and i got to go down in clothes sizes so fast from the previous weight loss that i did in a "healthy" way. Soon i became obsessive over diet and exercise. Eventually after my friends jokingly calling me anorexic for losing the weight as if it were to be some sort of compliment i really started to question "am i anorexic?". That brings me to here right now... admitting that i have an eating disorder.

Just recently this has really took a hold on me. My gram first came to me in concern about the weight loss. I brushed her off telling her i have this website to come to everyday to make sure i'm getting in my calories. But it has gone beyond that... i'm only 15 years old going on 16 in a few days and im obsessed about my body. I currently weigh 116 and dropped the 4 pounds in a matter of 5 days. Due to what i believe is anorexia. I tried to hint it to my mom that i can't reach my calorie goal everyday and that i need help but everytime she'd offer some what stupid little advice i would find a way to deny it. Its got like a choke hold on me because i dont want to ever see myself hit 1000 calories and when it does i am always taking foods off my list to make it smaller. Luckily i eat healthy foods only but not enough and i know its not but what people don't understand is you CANNOT make an anorexic person eat calories like BAM. It just doesn't work this way, its painful because u fight off stomach hunger pain but after a while you don't feel it anymore and usually ill drink large amounts of water to fight it off. I haven't reach 1000 calories in 5 days and i fear for myself because i am such a health freak and it sounds funny to say that because here i am starving myself but its all with the passion to lose weight. I feel as though this is the only way i can do it... its hard for me to want to eat foods and i refuse to eat after 6 o clock so if i dont make it home before six to eat dinner...i refuse to eat. I eat most of my food bright n early so i could burn it off in the day and just deal with the hunger later. I work out excessively in my room but nobody knows that cause i do it all as soon as i wake up and at night and keep my door shut and locked.

What i'm saying is i'm afraid to face my parents with the fact that i live like this... where i feel incredibly guilty when i eat and try to limit my calorie intake as low as possible and work out like a maniac to burn everything off. I don't know how to approach them about it because i don't know what their reaction would be. My mom and I have argued over my eating before but i think she is in denial that there is anything wrong with me. This year for me between broken bones and being sick earlier in the year has been alot of in and out of the doctors office and i don't want to make this seem like another reason to go for another round to see him. I'm also afraid she'll try to fix it on her own and force me to eat...i'm most scared of this because its almost like tramatizing to eat what i would consider "alot". I'd probably eventually turn bullemic (sorry about the spelling) if she attempted doing that because i have such an immense fear of gaining weight. The only person i could come out to about it would be my grandmother but my mom thinks she knows it all and doesn't want to listen to what my gram has to say and thinks shes just over protective or worrying about me too much. Mainly she thinks like that because my gram usually does over react to when someone in our family is sick or hurt and she babies them but thats not what i'm looking for, i just dont want to do the damage to my body but i feel like i'll never be able to get out of the choke hold it has on me. What i'm asking for basically is....

If you were in my shoes...what would you do?

wow- you are brave.

I spoke to my therapist, and then to my boyfriend.  I don't think I will ever tell my parents about my ED, but I'm also living on my own and have been for years.

The most important thing that I'm hearing from you is that you know you're not healthy, and you want to be healthy.  That's really good.  Can you think of someone outside your family that you can talk to?  If it wasn't summer, I'd suggest a school counselor.

I'll also send you over to somethingfishy.org to look at some resources for yourself.  there are great ideas on there, and a recovery chat board so you can talk to some folks going through the same thing you are.

*hug* I've been where you are, and I'm really really proud of you.  and I'll be here to chat about it when you need to, just drop by the forums or post in my journal, OK?

Okay, here's what I hear in what you are saying. I hear your mom is a combination of being in denial and being sort of a control freak. If it were during the school year, I'd say for you to go talk to your school counselor. They have training in things like this and sometimes they can approach parents where kids sometimes can't.

Do you go to church? Maybe a youth minister or another adult in your faith organization you can talk to?

How about a friends parent you feel comfortable to go talk to?

Eventually, you are going to have to talk to your parents. By the way, waht about your father? I didn't hear much about him?

It's great that you can recognize you've got an issue and need to deal with it. My best recommendation is to find an adult in your life you feel will listen and get them to go with you to talk to your mom.

also, dear heart, if you are comfortable talking to your gram, do that.  talk to her.  talking is where recovery starts.  she doesnt' need to confront your mom or anything on your behalf yet.  Just talking to someone will make you feel SO much better.  And when someone in your "real life" knows, you're more accountable than you are to a bunch of strangers.

And you're right- forcing you to eat isn't going to work, unless you too are committed to the idea that you need to eat.  Let's get you started toward the motivation to nourish your body, ok?  not "gain weight" but "nourish yourself."

Thanks for the advice...

My mom always just feels like i'm causing her more trouble... my mom is basically a single parent dealing with me (16) my brother & sister (twins who are 7) and my baby brother (8 months).. because my dad is never around and he's actually my step dad and weve never been close enough for me to come to him about anything and hes an idiot and wouldn't do anything for me anyway he'd probably just be the same way and try to force feed me and i dont want that at all .. im scared to gain weight so doing that to me is just gonna screw me up mentally more then this whole thing already has.

I've never been much of a believer in god sorry to say but we've never been a "holy" family...saying all this everyone probably thinks i have terrible parents but i don't i really can talk to my mom about anything but when it comes to something that involves her too she makes it seem like its just as much as her problem and that i'm doing it to cause her more work so thats why i'm afraid to say anything to her cause i'm afraid she'll lash out at me and react exactly the way i'm afraid she will.

Outside of my family i'm not close to anyone other then my friends and like i said...they've always made a big joke out of anorexia not because their mean but just because were 16 and make fun of each other that way (not in a way to hurt someones feelings but to be funny). So if i come out and say hey guys i think i am dealing with anorexia...they'd find it as a joke and if i were to say no i'm serious i dont think they would know how to react either because were young and we just don't know what to do..which is why i'm asking people on the board cause i know the majority are adults.

The only person outside of this house i could talk to would be my gram but since my mother "doesnt wanna hear it" from her... i don't know what to do and the other day i refused to eat dinner because it was passed 6 and we had a huge arguement over it and i just found out i had slight scoliosis so i have to go for that on june 26th... my mom was like "Do you want me to tell doctor harris ur acting like this too!?" but she said it in a jokingly yelling at me way...not like she was seriously asking if i wanted to let him know. So thats another reason why i don't think she'd react the way i'm hoping she would...aka have her help my find a counselor or something to help me psychologicly be able to eat healthy again cause i can't get myself out on my own i know its hurting me but its also helping me lose the weight... i already know its affecting my body because i am fairly late on my period and i usually go regularly, the last time i had it was may 15th i believe and ended on the 20th... for me this is late cause i either go early or right on time.

to me though saying "nourish" my body is just saying your gonna have to gain weight. My ultimate fear. I check my weight on the scale constantly.. i get disgusted just seeing/hearing someone eat. I look in the mirror and i just see myself as being fat..everyone will always say how good i look for having lost the weight and that im so gorgeous but i just don't see it myself. I always tell my mom my goal weight and i always end up lowering it and she never shows the least bit of concern...when i tell her hey mom im down to 116 when just yesterday i told her i was 117.5 knowing i never ate dinner or barely ate at all.. she just told me wow great job. Seeing the weight on the scale and on my body motivates me to keep doing it. If i lost weight i want to lose more and if i gained weight then i still want to work harder at losing it.

OK.  so here's your game plan.  You're already headed for the doctor, right? tell the doctor.  The information is stuff s/he'll need to know in order to treat you properly anyhow.  If you want it, I can give you a link to a questionnaire that you can print out and take with you to give some "proof" that you have these feelings.

DO NOT stop until you find someone to help you, OK?

If I had to throw a pop psychology guess at this, I'd say you were trying to disappear so as not to be any more trouble to your mom.  to become smaller, lighter, transparent, pure, invisible...

I understand not wantig to make your mom feel bad or guilty.  I really do.  But as long as you're going to the doctor anyway... can you go into the exam room alone?  so that you can talk to the doctor without your mom there?

oh, and get rid of the scale.

(like it's that easy, right?)

She is going with me to the doctors and she stays in there with me so i can't say anything to him with her being right there to roll her eyes at me

I'm not sure if its so much as me trying to disappear i have such low self confidence... my friends are gorgeous i used to always be considered the third wheel though because i at one point was the the heaviest so i have forever been battling with trying to be just as equal and now that i've finally done it i dont know what it is that i keep continuing to be this way but im terrified of gaining probably because im afraid of going back to how everything was in the past and i still feel fat i dont see myself as skinny at all...ive always had chubby cheeks and i still think i have chubby cheeks..they have gone away... i look in the mirror and it makes me cringe because i dont want to see myself its just terrible self esteem issues and more little things added onto it and i am so obsessive over health it'd be shocking for anyone to hear that i am anorexic because i look online constantly about health & fitness... i am the only one in this household who went on a diet and stuck to it without EVER cheating once and i just kept increasing how hard i am on myself with health and fitness and now its turned to this and its scaring me cause i worry that i'm going to get sick and not be around for everyone in my family and i dont want that to happen

id never be able to get rid of that scale... i go to it first thing in the morning..before i eat something..after i eat something..and before i go to bed i need to know my weight at all times

well, let her roll her eyes, then.  or tell the doc that you need to talk privately.  I mean, you've done everything but rub her nose in it, right?  She's going to have to come to terms on her own with this, she's a grownup and eventually she needs to learn to take care of herself without you taking care of her :)

I know what you mean.  I can look in the mirror and on one hand see all my ribs, and on the other see FATFATFATPIG.  I can, dispassionately, pick up skin and know it's skin- and then my mind tells me it's FAT and I have to lose it.  I can look at BMI charts and what is a normal healthy weight for my body, and I can get there, and I can go "well, i'm small-boned, i should weigh less" or "I'm fat still, they're wrong" or... any one of a hundred excuses.

so.

here is a really long post to get you started, ok?  shamelessly copied from a site that has helped me immensely.

Finding Help is not easy. It takes the desire to recover, and the motivation to find what works for you. Because of some of the old-fashioned ideas still out there often it's easy to find our motivations crushed and to feel confused. The First Step is to reach in to yourself. To admit you have a problem that needs addressing and to make the decision to do it. It takes time, don't get down on yourself if it takes you weeks or months to make the first phone call. Once you've made the decision you will do it. Tell Someone. Find someone in your life you feel you can trust - a friend, a parent, a teacher, a cousin, a penpal, a boyfriend, or a spouse, or even your family doctor... anyone that you think can provide you with support and encouragement. It's not easy to take this step, it's scary and unsure. Their initial reaction may not be what you expect and you should be ready for this. Be prepared to tell them exactly how they can help you and even provide them with some written material on Eating Disorders if you think it will be helpful. (You can also read Telling Someone on the Mirror-Mirror website) Find a Doctor you feel comfortable with. Everyone is entitled to this. Remember that your doctor is bound by Doctor-patient confidentiality laws and that anything you tell him/her should be kept in the strictest of confidence. Talk to your doctor, make sure he/she is responsive to your needs and don't be afraid to ask questions or inform your doctor of things he/she may not know. Finding Treatment, Therapy and Support Groups is the next step (and essencial) towards permanent recovery. Ask your doctor if he/she can refer you to a therapist who will address your emotional problems. You may even have a friend or family member who can recommend someone. Each doctor will play a role in your recovery -- Therapists should be in charge of your mind, and your doctor should be in charge of your body. You may also want to consider a dietician when you feel ready. You may decide on an inpatient or outpatient program that offers a combination of treatments under one roof. Read over the types of treatment out there. You can then visit the Treatment Finder to find a therapist or treatment center in your area, or refer to the Helpful Hotlines for a list of other referral services. Remember that your recovery is about YOU. Don't let anyone push you into things you do not want to do... but also be prepared to keep an open mind about things that may be recommended. If your doctors suggests hospitalization ask yourself why he might and remember that he may see things you are not aware of. Ask him to explain why he recommends things and do research yourself. Also remember that if your nutrition levels are low, or if you have electrolyte imbalances or hormone and vitamin deficiencies it will effect your moods and ability to see things rationally, as well as put you in physical danger. You do not need to be underweight to suffer from these things and you will need to keep in mind that your self-perception is distorted. Also, try to find support from a friend, spouse or relative. Encouraging words can go a long way. Ask them to read about Eating Disorders so they may better understand how they can support you. If you have a problem finding someone there are many online support options available across the internet, but remember that this will not replace the professional help of a doctor and therapist. You can begin your search for treatment by visiting the Treatment Options section, or by contacting one of the Eating Disorders organizations. There are also phone numbers you can call during a crisis, to find treatment, or to get information.

Ive read that off a site before, believe me i've been to millions of websites trying to find that helping hand but they all sound the same to me. They all say to "tell someone" but thats the hardest part i get so emotional and breakdown and get upset and cry whenever i even think about the whole scenario because its hard on me and + i'm an emotional person to begin with... i don't even know what i'd be able to say to anyone to even begin telling them about it. The only person i think i could tell ... is my gram ... because of how understanding of a woman she is. So i think i'm going to tell her but my aunt lives with my gram and has knee problems recently and is always by her and even though my aunt would be understanding i know my gram would let her know about it too...my family is one of those where if someone has a problem...everyones going to know it

You're right- telling is the WORST.  Do tell your gram.  And you know you've been trying to tell your mom, hoping she'd at least notice- at least that's what it sounds like from your post.

I'm also going to give you this number:

1-800-448-3000

it's the Boys Town hotline, and you can call anonymously, at any time, with any problem.  It's a good place to practice telling, to practice saying OUT LOUD "I have anorexia, and I need help."  Even if they can't provide immediate help (and they may even have a referral to a free counseling service that you can get to on your own so you can start treatment without having to deal with your mom) they are an ear to listen to you, and like I said, it's easier to tell your gram if you can practice first.

I am going to tell you something you won't believe now, or possibly for years.  It's something I'm still struggling with, and will probably struggle with every day for the rest fo my life.

The mirror lies.  The scale lies. Your mind lies.  You are beautiful and worthy of being loved and cared for, including by yourself.

(if you figure out how to believe all that, let me know, ok?)

If you're really worried about your gram telling everyone, just ask her to keep a secret for a little while, like just for a week.  say "I need to talk to you, in private, and I need you not to tell anoyone what I'm going to tell you until I've had a chance to talk to the doctor (or the counselor, or... whatever) about this... but when you were worried about me? you were right, thank you, I'm worried too.  I think I have anorexia."

See where it goes.

It's not so much as me being worried to them "knowing" its more or less the "reaction" that i'll get. I don't know if they'd treat me normally or watch me like a hawk to make sure i'd eat because then i'd feel extremely uncomfortable and it would just annoy the hell out of me. I hate to be "babied" in any way, shape, or form and that is most likely the way they'd act outside of the family inside my house because sadly both my parents are some what selfish. My mom i cut her some slack because of the big boulder on her shoulders sometimes but since this year has just been so bad for me i think its almost as if she has a short fuse with me so its rough. But i'm going to try to go to my gram's and tell her tonight and if i dont build up the confidence to do it today then i'll try again tomorrow and i'll keep on trying but the thing is... is when i go to my grams she basically brings it up to me..which would probably make it an easier way for me to say something about it.

good on you.

And telling the doc will help too because he'll be able to tell your mom some ways to cope and deal that don't involve watching you or turning mealtimes into a battle.

Well i'm more or less hoping to say this to my gram before the 26th so that in hopes she will tell my mother that I was the one to come to her and tell her about it so that my mom won't think my gram is just "over worrying" anymore

Good.  I'm so glad that you're committed to finding help- remember what it was like to eat without worrying?  and to look in the mirror just to make sure your clothes weren't too wrinkled?

I think i miss being young then...come highschool your thrown into a shark tank of critics. The reality of the world today demands perfection nobody is ever good enough and i used to be so care free but recently ive become such a little perfectionist and im the harshest critic of them all on myself... its hard to see myself in the new view that everyone see's me. The attention from others, the attention from boys, buying a size XS opposed to a large, and being complimented all the time is all so new to me... i used to get attention off my personality but now i get it off of both and i think i'm afraid to lose all of that... i think of so many reasons why this happened and how it got so out of control but its hard to figure out on my own... im hoping someone can help =/

wow, i am really proud of you, you are a very smart 16. i can only echo all of the advice saroful gave you, and ask that you follow it, talk to your doctor! and your gram, she's already expressed teh concern, she'll be open to really "hearing" you... there will be no brush off or denial from her. good luck to you. you aren't alone in this, that is important to remember! many of us have been in your shoes and have found recovery, so believe that is possible... i'm pulling for you!

you know the best thing about high school? it's only 4 years long.  oh, wait, i mean 4 loooong years, don't i?  ugh.  I'm nto going to sugar-coat it, high school is hard enough without feeling further isolated because of an ED.  And then there's all the positive feedback you get while you know you're just starving yourself, "you look great" and all that... but inside... oh, hon, if I could hug you I would.  I'm so proud of you for working toward being healthy.

hey everyone thanks for the support, i was able to discuss this all with my mom and she was so understanding and didn't yell at me or anything she acted extremely concerned and caring. So when i go to the doctors she's going to tell him and is working to get me help. So i just wanted to say thanks for giving me the courage to just say it instead of keeping it inside and hurting myself