Eating Problems.

I started using this website 2 years ago and lost about 40 lbs.  I started at 320 and got down to 280...it took 4 months.  After that something happened and I quit.  I went back to my old ways of major eating and now I'm up to 350.  I started counting calories again 3 days ago...I just hope I don't fall of the wagon again...I gain about 15-20 lbs a year it seems.

Sometimes I look at what I eat and can hardly believe it.   I've eaten half gallons of ice cream in one sitting...not pints...HALF GALLONS!  Sometimes I'd even fall asleep half way through eating it, wake up, and eat the left over melted goop.  I'd go to 3 different fastfood restaurants at a time.  I felt like a junky.  I'd hide from everyone when I ate.  I'd be at a friends house and tell him that I was going to run up to the gas station for a drink and stop and eat 2 whoppers while I was out...then lie and say the line at the station was long...and then after that go out with him to get dinner.

I've spent so much money on fast food, a typical visit cost 12 dollars...I either order 5 double cheeseburgers and 5 McChickens plus a drink and desert from the dollar menus or I get a couple of combo meals...At Dairy Queen I'd get two large blizzards and a combo meal:(  It's really hard for me to say all these things.  I've dealt with drug use in my past and this is by far the only thing that I've ever become addicted to.  Some nights I'd come home late and there would be nothing to eat...one night there were some walnuts left over in the cabinet...I put them in a bowl and covered them with old caramel topping and then ate it.  After work I'd go to Little Ceasers and get a pizza and order of bread sticks and eat them all on the way home.  Once I took a whole jar of peanut butter and mixed it with half a bag of chocolate chips and ate it.

I don't just eat until I'm full.  I eat until it hurts...bad.  My stomach will feel as if it is about to burst and I continue forcing food down my throat...then I go to the bathroom and try to go just so I can eat more.  I've told my mom about this but she can't grasp the concept of eating after you are full.  I've never thrown up though...I don't purge...I just eat and eat and eat.  

So right now I'm keeping track of what I eat...It really helps.  I don't really mind the taste of lowfat or healthy food and I really like exercising...it's just if I don't keep track and don't pay attention I will eat way too much.  I'm not really overly hungry...I just get a weird sensation from eating massive quantities of food...I really hope this time i can stop.  

I have never dealt with anything near what you have...in fact, I suffer from quite the opposite issue. However, I just had to reply to this...

It took an immense amount of courage to write all of that out and announce it to the World Wide Web. Just letting go of it and opening up rather than simply holding secrets within you will help. I am so magnificently proud of you for doing that--it is NOT easy!

I can only suggest that you find something besides to occupy your time...perhaps when you are feeling the urge to eat, eat, eat, you could go out on a walk instead? That would kill two birds with one stone. :) Also, it might help you to chew gum in between meals and snacks...for some people this helps, for others it triggers hunger quickly. Remember also to drink plenty of water or unsweetened iced/hot tea...those are the best beverages to choose. 

One other thing, you say that you gain 15 to 20 lbs per year eating like this...you must require a MASSIVE amount of calories to maintain your weight, then. According to the whole "3500 calories equals one pound" rule of thumb (though it is by no means perfectly accurate), you would have only needed to overeat by 200 calories AT THE MOST to gain 20 lbs a year. Have you ever calculated your caloric intake for one of your past days? If so, I'd try subtracting 1,000 calories from that (I'm sure that it would be plenty more than the bare minimum), aim for that caloric intake for 2 weeks, and see what happens. I'm only 17, however...so, I may not have the most helpful advice. I just wanted to share my ideas.

In any case, I wish you the very best of luck, Heather! You WILL succeed this time! YOU WILL!

And remember,

"It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop."

*hugs*

I'm sorry for your problem. It sounds like it can be mentally very tough!

You seem to have an addictive personality. One of my friends has it. She went from running, to school, to food (in her case though she became ana), to school again, to alcohol, and finally back at school.

School=okay. Alcohol and eating=not so much.

Can you see a therapist? Anyone? I mean you have more emotional problems than actual food problems. Do you know why you eat so much? Not to sound rude in anyway, but your food addiction is out of control like most addictions. It runs your life, even causing you to lie and feel guilty. It is the same as an eating disorder. The lying, the sometimes guilt, but instead of craving thinness/control, you crave the food to fill you up. It is like a cycle. Eat, eat more, guilt, eat more. It is great that you are going back to counting calories/eating healthier! I congradulate you on that, just keep going.

Keep going! Try not to give in! You will do this, everyone here has faith in you!

I've always known that I have issues from my past that need to be dealt with in a professional matter...sometimes I just feel like my problems and feelings aren't important enough to bother someone with.  It's day three of counting calories for me...so far everything has been good...writing it down does help and I'm so glad to have support.  

I've been trying to busy myself with hobbies.  I keep thinking if I would have just stuck with it the first time I would have been thin by now.  Even still I can feel this tug in the back of my head telling me that I'm going to fail.  Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to sabotage myself.  Hopefully I can stay on track this time.  I'm really trying to get into the mind set that the eating is an addiction and if I don't control it I will die from obesity....

Thanks for your kind words!

first of all *hugs*

I'm glad you're back on learning how to be healthy.

I'm also recovering from a food addiction. I used to think that the only reason I was getting fat was because I just simple liked food too much. But the thruth is that I ate for emotional factors as well. In my case, I'm really shy and it's hard for me to express emotions. Now I'm learning to at least channel them through something positive (art in my case),

You need to know that everyday will be different and everyday will be a battle at least in the start of the process. But what you need to keep in mind is that there is no worst failura than not trying anymore.

Good luck :D

Original Post by heather84clear:

sometimes I just feel like my problems and feelings aren't important enough to bother someone with. 

Even still I can feel this tug in the back of my head telling me that I'm going to fail. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to sabotage myself. Hopefully I can stay on track this time.

Oh these statements tug at me! 

I want you to get up everyday and say "I can do this!"  "I am strong enough, smart enough and beautiful enough"

I have to tell you that YOU are the only person who can ever give yourself the love that feels missing.  Because if you dont give yourself love, you will never believe that anyone else loves you either. 

YOU are the only person in the entire world that can ever love you the way you really should be loved.  Wake up every day and love yourself.  Real unconditional love that does not focus on your size, eating or anything else. 

I have spent so much time in my life playing the same old tapes "who cares", "no one will notice", "they dont see me", "they dont listen," .  Every error in life was my fault, every mistake was a personal failing.  And every day I hated myself.  I hated looking at me, being me, living my life. 

But then I realized that I woke up every day telling myself how awful I was, how stupid, ugly, brainless and pointless I am.  Every moment of every day spend listening to a diatribe of self hate.  It is no wonder I was depressed and my marriage was failing.  I was my own worst enemy. 

But I decided that I have to be my best friend.  I am the only person who gets me and I have to give myself love and accept it.  Everyone else could go to hell.  I would get up and dress and not ask anyone if I looked OK - because I had already decided that I looked fabulous.  I decided that no one else ever had to compliment me at work because I knew I worked hard and did a very good job and that is all that mattered. 

My experiment worked.  Suddenly I felt better and people started complimenting me.  I also felt secure doing what I wanted to do without the constant self judgment - I had DECIDED it was OK to love me.  No matter what! 

I know this all sounds like the back of a bad self help dust jacket.  Maybe a version of Stewart Smalley.  But it is not.  It is my real experience.

I am telling you about it because maybe it will strike a chord in you.  But it will just sound like dribble until you are ready for it. 

Good luck sweet heart. 

I think what Im going to say is Im touched by how people have responded to your post Heather!  so do be encouraged!!!  You can do it!   Do look for profesional help, its there job to listen!!!  and get to the bottom as to why you are over eating, I have been there myself as well and do understand what a horrible trap it is.  I suggest you see someone to deal with the emotional side but also a doctor, get yourself checked.  I later found out I am diabetic and was constantly eating because my body wasn´t receiving the glucose it needed.   These things have to go hand in hand,  take care and be kind to yourself.  All the best!

You are not alone.   5 months ago this was me,  doing the EXACT same things.   I would stop at McDonald's on my way home from work and eat a double quarter pounder with cheese meal (large sized of course) knowing that as soon as I got home, my wife had a wonderful meal all ready for me, and I'd just eat again.  Being full meant nothing to me.  I always had more room.   I hid everything from my family.  They had no idea how badly I was self sabotaging myself.   It was truly an addiction. 

To break my addiction I started making some changes.   First,  I told my wife everything, so she could understand what was going on.   It was the most embarrassing thing I think I've ever had to do, but I needed some help.  I started packing my lunches for work and I stopped carrying cash and left all my debit and credit cards at home.   This left me with no ability to pay for anything. It was hard at first.  At times I literally felt like I was going to go crazy.  I needed the double cheeseburgers!!!!!!  Some days it felt like withdrawl.  A serious fast food addiction.

I was having all sorts of medical problems.  I had gained almost 150 pounds in 2 years and my body was not happy about it.  After repeated trips to my doctor he finally let loose and let me know that I was killing myself.  I have a beautiful wife and three incredible kids,  everything I could ever dream of.  And yet I was absolutely miserable.  WTF.

My doctor suggested weight loss surgery and I just couldn't take it anymore.   Something had to change.   I joined a gym and started seeing a personal trainer.  I needed help,  someone that could keep me accountable.  It had to be someone outside of my family, I needed someone that could be strict and honest with me and not baby me in any way.   So far he's taught me about nutrition, what my body needs and how my body works.  I've lost nearly 45 pounds in 12 weeks and have not had fast food in that entire time.  I've stopped drinking all sodas and feel absolutely incredible each and every day.

This is something that you can conquer.  I know it.  It all depends on how badly you want it to stop.

Thanks Downdeep for your story...I'm on day 4 now and doing okay...It means a lot that you shared that with me.  Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that eats like that.  I did try mentioning it to my mom but she seemed totally blown away...I'm the only one with a weight problem in my family, so no one else really looks at food like I do...Everyone else is just like "Food...eh...I'll eat when I'm hungry" and that's it...But food it's like my best friend and my worst enemy.

But thank all of you for everything I'm glad I don't have to go through this completley alone.

I know just what you're going through. I'm also a compulsive binge-eater who recently fell back off the wagon.

After eating the recommended 1200 calories per day for many months and almost reaching my goal, I didn't feel any prettier. If I'm going to be ugly, I might as well be ugly and fat, right? So I fell back into my old binge habits.

But since my stomach was smaller, my binges would lead to hours of crying from the pain, nausea or actual vomiting (which was great because then I'd have some room to go eat more). It's not an exaggeration to say that eating is the only thing that makes me happy. :(

My favorite hobby is to go to a buffet and just eat a dozen heaping platefuls of food. I don't even care what the food is, I love allllll of it.

Since I just re-started my diet on 09/01/09, I figured we'll be in this boat together, kind of. Also, your pug is the cutest thing ever!

Thanks for sharing yummy_kitty.  I started again on 9/1/09 too!  This is the first time that i've went into this looking at my eating as an addiction that needs to be dealt with.  So now I'm investigating why I feel the need to eat so much.  I've been keeping my calories under 1400 and not eating any unhealthy foods.  It's only day 5 and I already feel a ton better.  My face is clearing up a bit because of all the water and not having stomach pain is great too.  It makes me feel good at the end of the day to look at the calories I logged and know exactly what I ate...like I have some control!

Wow, you're so lucky to be feeling positive effects from your diet!! So far I feel miles worse than when I eat more. Last time I tried my diet, I suffered the whole time as well.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I hope one day I can go to bed feeling like I accomplished something (instead of feeling, hungry, exhausted, grumpy, and perpetually unsatisfied).

*sigh* Maybe I'll be more motivated hearing that you're happy with your results so far. :P

Heather,  1400 calories a day is WAY too low for you.   At 350 pounds you should be eating well over 2000 calories a day.   And that would include a deficit to lose fat.   Going lower with your calories won't make the weight come off faster, it will actually do the opposite and slow things down.  It will also be much harder to stay with the diet at 1400.  

I'm no medical professional, but I have read that someone who is quite overweight or obese is allowed to go on a diet plan of 1,200. Under medical supervision maybe less. 2,000 calories for her wouldn't help because her body is not 350 pounds of muscle. It is more fat. No offense OP! It's just 1,400 is a solid starting point. Maybe as she gets fitter she can up it, but 2000 for someone under her circumstances probably doesn't need to eat 2,000.

Just my opinion, not saying it is the most correct though. I'm really happy to hear that you are on the 5th day OP! That is amazing. You can keep going! Take every day as every day whether you did amazing or only so-so.

This website gives me a calorie target of 1800 or so.  I don't exercise enough to eat a bunch of calories.  When I did this the first time I lost 40lbs eating about 1500 calories a day.  I do plan on adjusting as I go.  But eating 1400 calories doesn't bother me at all.  I don't feel hungry.  That' the weird thing about this "Food Addiction" thing...is when I ate the huge amounts of food before it wasn't because I was hungry for it...I just wanted to feel something.

I welcome all advice from anyone and I really appreciate it.  If things don't work out for me at 1400 calories for the first month or so then  I'll reevaluate my routine.  For now I feel fine and energetic...then again it's only day 5....but again thank you to EVERYONE...your support will be part of the reason that I WILL SUCCEED!