ed breakthroughs/motivation :)

i have to share my excitement with everybody! i've been doing so well recently it's unbelievable! i've had realizations and ed-related breakthroughs i never would have thought possible. maybe it will motivate or reassure those struggling, and you can post what you're doing well with also if you like. 

-i've been eating dense foods without limiting myself or craving obscene amounts. i usually get my calories in from fairly light sources because i have an enormous appetite and i love to eat. but for the first time i've been eating dried fruit, chocolates, pastries, etc. without worrying about eating too much. i've been eating these for a while now, but just a serving at a time, or an amount that would get me to my calorie goal or a little higher, never as much as i wanted. the amazing thing is that after about a week of no limits, i'm not craving them like crazy. i eat more than i would limiting myself, but not a lot more, and not enough to make me gain more weight than i would. it's awesome. :) 

-i ate a cheese/jelly danish at night by myself and didn't even count the calories. i can eat pastries, cream cheese, sugar, and butter each by themselves, or a combination of two, possibly three, but i've never had all in one food before! as far as pastries go, usually i only eat them with other people, because why struggle by myself if there's not an occasion? sometimes i do eat them by myself because they are yummy and help me reach my calorie target, plus it just gets me used to the food, but i ate this when i had already gone over my calorie target, just because it was there and why not have a good taste in my mouth before bed? for the record this thing was about as big as my head. :) and it didn't make me fat in the morning.

-i've been eating consistently all through the week. i always eat consistently, but usually i eat more in the days before my weigh-ins and rarely go above what i am required to the other days. i made a really strong effort not to do that this week, and the only two results i see are that (1) i have less ed-related thoughts in general from not mentally-restricting, and (2) i feel a lot less frantic before weigh-ins. 

-i've been eating foods i don't know about beforehand at different times. dinner at my house is 6:00. for the last few months it's been a little more lax, anytime from 6:00-6:15, but this week there have been things happening in the evenings that mean dinner may be anywhere from 5:45-8:00, and i don't know when we're going to eat until about fifteen minutes before we do. last night it was 8:00 when my dad got home, and we were hungry, so we went to mr. gatti's for pizza. pizza?? that late??? it went really well.

-i've stopped relying on my own foods. my mom always makes dinner, and i always put a piece of soy meat (protein) and a salad (comfort food) with it. as a result i only have about half as much of the main part as i should. i've stopped doing this, waving away the fear that i'm not getting enough protein in the meal. it's hard to fill my whole plate with unfamiliar food and eat it all, but it makes everyone else more comfortable because it doesn't feel like my ed is sitting at the table. after dinner i can judge if i need more protein, and have more food if i need to. 

i know that recovery consists of good and bad times. i can't pretend things won't get hard again. but when they're good, roll with it! 

1-I've been spending LESS time on this site!!!

2- ZERO time thinking about food (realize this is good+bad)

3- LESS time excercising- SUPER hard

4- LOSING control-hardest part

awwww, that is so awesome! Congrats girl, you've come a longg way. :) And the pastry thing was a big deal for me too! But last week I ate a huge apple fritter..seriously as big as my face :D

How close are you to your goal?

thats such a joy to read thankyou so much for sharing it , im so pleased for you keep up the good work h x

My big thing for today:

Two girls came through my register at work, purchasing weight loss shakes and that whole gamut of food products. Just before I was leaving work too. These girls did not need to lose weight. Sure, heavier than I am, but still - no need for them to lose any weight. Normally, ED would have a field day - "if they can lose weight, I can too!" sorta thing.

I came home from work, pulled out the blender and I am currently drinking a Nutella milkshake. And enjoying every bit, no strings attached. 

Also beginning to acknowledge that I physically and mentally feel better when I eat more than 2500 every day, even if I haven't started putting on weight yet. Though hopefully this week brought me at least half a pound.

My big thing for today:

Two girls came through my register at work, purchasing weight loss shakes and that whole gamut of food products. Just before I was leaving work too. These girls did not need to lose weight. Sure, heavier than I am, but still - no need for them to lose any weight. Normally, ED would have a field day - "if they can lose weight, I can too!" sorta thing.

I came home from work, pulled out the blender and I am currently drinking a Nutella milkshake. And enjoying every bit, no strings attached. 

Also beginning to acknowledge that I physically and mentally feel better when I eat more than 2500 every day, even if I haven't started putting on weight yet. Though hopefully this week brought me at least half a pound.

These are all such amazing things everyone :)

I have started to allow myself to buy and eat foods which contain a resonably 'high' amount of saturated fat because I like them and they help me get my calories up.

I am choosing what to eat on the day or the day before rather than sticking to my strict meal plan where I have to eat the same certain thing at a certain time.

great idea for a post blueberry and I am so glad to see you are doing well - haven't seen you post for a while - you must be getting close to your goal????

In terms of my breakthroughs:

1 - I have stopped calorie counting

2 - I have stopped running

3 - I am starting to be able to eat foods such as cheese, cake etc without feeling guilty afterwards (still really struggle to do this on my own though... if others are eating it, I have no problem, if I am by myself I find it so so hard to make myself buy and eat a cake)

4- I have started to really open up and be honest with my bf about my progress - no more secrets - if I've had a bad day eating wise I tell him even if it will upset him... but he is then able to re-motivate me! After all, the weigh ins dont lie at the end of each fortnight! If i haven't eaten enough for the fortnight it will show in the numbers!

-had a total carb-fest the other day & didn't feel bad about it (bagel with nutella for breakfast, cheese-filled pretzel with lunch, and a big ham & cheese sub on whole wheat. it was awesome)

-got a big slurpee when I was out at Wawa with my friends even though it was after 9PM (and I knew those always make me go up in water weight)

-ate a big bakery muffin even after I saw all the cals in it

-I eat regularly even if I feel "fat" (for example, back during ED I could tell if I'd be up a few lbs because of water weight after drinking something, so then I'd skip a meal or put it off for a very long time. none of that anymore)

there's just been a lot of small victories like that.

This is a great thread! B)

-I have no more fear foods!!! I'll eat just about anything you put in front of me (except of course things I truly dislike, like seafood, but that's beside the point haha).

-I'm not afraid to eat after 6 pm now. Actually most of the time, I'll have a little something within half an hour of going to bed.

-At school during mealtimes, I no longer envy those people who chug down junk and don't gain weight. I figure, why would I want to eat processed junk like that 24/7?? A cookie or two here and there is plenty for me. Plus, I'll be healthier in the long run.

-I don't have the need to compulsively exercise for several hours a day. And if I do even a stroll around the neighborhood, I get a whole different pleasure out of it that I never got before. It no longer causes aches and pains when the exercise is done, but actually makes me feel more alert and focused.

-This might not be something I had control of, but I can actually make my own body heat now. I don't have to curl up in several blankets and sweaters just to get warm.

Well first congrats to all the progress here. Amazing.

For me I am gaining and eating 3500 but basically still anxious and scared. Accepting it but hating this process and very uncomfortable but no alternative. Sorry if this is not as positive as others here but I thought may be others could relate to the feelings but also can see you can feel this way but stick to the healthy plan.

Original Post by abbi333:

Well first congrats to all the progress here. Amazing.

For me I am gaining and eating 3500 but basically still anxious and scared. Accepting it but hating this process and very uncomfortable but no alternative. Sorry if this is not as positive as others here but I thought may be others could relate to the feelings but also can see you can feel this way but stick to the healthy plan.

 i know its scary but all credit to you for fighting this , it takes more to fight it than give into it

I have accepted that disordered eating does not only exist if I am eating under 1,000 calories a day. Disordered eating is a state of mind and it is the state of mind in which I find myself always.

I have accepted that I am an exercise addict. I grow anxious if I don't follow a certain schedule or push myself through pain or fatigue to complete a goal that I have set for myself. I don't feel as worthy of food if I don't exercise enough and as such sometimes I believe I convince myself that I am not hungry.

Positive breakthroughs though...

I have not had any said days where I am under 1,000 calories.

I have gotten past my fear of kissing my family when I think they have "calories" on t heir lips! How sad is that!

I did not force myself to "push through" fatigue today. I have my period. I entertained a massive crowd this weekend and cleaned up - constantly - my whole house, before and after. I am exhausted. I didn't need to injure myself to prove a point that only exists in my mind.

i know how hard you have worked bethany and its grt you accept your disordered eating and exercise addiction , but dont you really want to beat these addictions ? you can accept them and you can also get them better they dont have to rule yourself hope that didnt sound interfering i just want us all to sort these problems out h x

Thanks tessa. You are always such a cheerleader. You are very kind. Same applies to you though. You have to take your own advice.

Bsh I am glad you are facing that these are things that you have like being exercise addict etc but now you must push through to get past these behaviors. You can do it. I hope after the race you will do what causes you anxiety like stop the running but in the long run will make you have a better/healthier life.

It's amazing how we all share the same goals - makes me realise that I'm not alone with my little obsessions and rituals.

Achievment:

I've managed to stop reading celebrity and fashion magazines, I know they are a huge trigger for me but I still couldn't stop reading them, I haven't in the past week.

I have started to write again! Fiction writing which is not about food or anorexia! I've always had a passion for writing so I'm so happy I've got this back.

If I don't like a food but have eaten some of it, I am brave enough to have something else to make up the calories. Before I would be too afraid of going 'over' the calories to do this.

I am actually considering and got excited when my friend mentioned a possible sleepover. The last sleepover I went to I ruined by refusing to eat and I haven't been invited to any since. So I can't believe that I want to go to this one without even worrying about the food.

I've started to take 'diet talk' with a pinch of salt. A lot of my family members are always on diets and talk about them, one of my aunts even analysed what I ate when I was restricitng because she wanted to lose weight. I'm starting to let things like that go over head, to accept that I need to eat and gain, even if others aren't.

I don't have good days and bad days, and I don't refer to foods as good or bad. Some foods, I will say, I refer to as downright delicious, but I think that is a good thing.

I have stopped constantly making myself move, even if it is just tapping both feet.

I have given over to the fact that I'm tired and I need to listen to that.

I really need some help if anyone could inspire me to weigh myself, I'm terrified.

bethany hard though it may be you need to weigh yourself . it dosent have to become a daily thing . i think the worring and not knowing is causing you more worry . what have you to lose ? dont be scared lol , there isnt anything to be scared of we all do it and however you feel about it we can help you through what are your worries of weighing yourself ?

im glad you can see you are  aware you are tired and your trying to slow down i just hope after this marathon you can really work through these issues and deal with the running , i want you to be free from this disorder h x

Helen, I'm just afraid that it will be a trigger after not having done it for quite some time...

Original Post by bsh0611:

Helen, I'm just afraid that it will be a trigger after not having done it for quite some time...

 I  can understand that fear which is why i understand you are avoiding it. i hope what ever you do its the right thing for you and you can keep progressing h x

I'm taking some classes at the community college to get ready for the program I'm applying to next year.

Today I ran into one of my teammates from my gymnastics team back when I was in high school.  This was in the years when I wasted away and ended up not allowed to participate in events and even training with the team...

Anyhow, all I could think was although I feel like a new person today, seeing her and realizing what SHE saw was a real wakeup call:
there I was, same thing--there's that anorexic girl...

All I could think was, looking back over the course of my life someday that's not what I want.  To see years of different phases and stages of being "that girl."

next time it won't be "there she is again."

It will be the story of an incredible turnaround...