ed breakthroughs/motivation :)

i have to share my excitement with everybody! i've been doing so well recently it's unbelievable! i've had realizations and ed-related breakthroughs i never would have thought possible. maybe it will motivate or reassure those struggling, and you can post what you're doing well with also if you like. 

-i've been eating dense foods without limiting myself or craving obscene amounts. i usually get my calories in from fairly light sources because i have an enormous appetite and i love to eat. but for the first time i've been eating dried fruit, chocolates, pastries, etc. without worrying about eating too much. i've been eating these for a while now, but just a serving at a time, or an amount that would get me to my calorie goal or a little higher, never as much as i wanted. the amazing thing is that after about a week of no limits, i'm not craving them like crazy. i eat more than i would limiting myself, but not a lot more, and not enough to make me gain more weight than i would. it's awesome. :) 

-i ate a cheese/jelly danish at night by myself and didn't even count the calories. i can eat pastries, cream cheese, sugar, and butter each by themselves, or a combination of two, possibly three, but i've never had all in one food before! as far as pastries go, usually i only eat them with other people, because why struggle by myself if there's not an occasion? sometimes i do eat them by myself because they are yummy and help me reach my calorie target, plus it just gets me used to the food, but i ate this when i had already gone over my calorie target, just because it was there and why not have a good taste in my mouth before bed? for the record this thing was about as big as my head. :) and it didn't make me fat in the morning.

-i've been eating consistently all through the week. i always eat consistently, but usually i eat more in the days before my weigh-ins and rarely go above what i am required to the other days. i made a really strong effort not to do that this week, and the only two results i see are that (1) i have less ed-related thoughts in general from not mentally-restricting, and (2) i feel a lot less frantic before weigh-ins. 

-i've been eating foods i don't know about beforehand at different times. dinner at my house is 6:00. for the last few months it's been a little more lax, anytime from 6:00-6:15, but this week there have been things happening in the evenings that mean dinner may be anywhere from 5:45-8:00, and i don't know when we're going to eat until about fifteen minutes before we do. last night it was 8:00 when my dad got home, and we were hungry, so we went to mr. gatti's for pizza. pizza?? that late??? it went really well.

-i've stopped relying on my own foods. my mom always makes dinner, and i always put a piece of soy meat (protein) and a salad (comfort food) with it. as a result i only have about half as much of the main part as i should. i've stopped doing this, waving away the fear that i'm not getting enough protein in the meal. it's hard to fill my whole plate with unfamiliar food and eat it all, but it makes everyone else more comfortable because it doesn't feel like my ed is sitting at the table. after dinner i can judge if i need more protein, and have more food if i need to. 

i know that recovery consists of good and bad times. i can't pretend things won't get hard again. but when they're good, roll with it! 

I had pretty big realization today. I got my school pictures returned, which were taken in early August, and now I ACTUALLY see myself they way everyone else did. I didn't see 'rolls and rolls of fat' as I told myself then. I see a depressed, fatigued, and starving person.. I almost find it hard to believe that the person is me! And just a little over a month ago too!! I never EVER want to look like that again! All the more reason to recover from this miserable ED. B)