ED- Dealing with peoples remarks PLEASE HELP!!!

I am really struggling to overcome an ED (sorry if this is another one of those posts but I need support from someone that can understand and offer suitable advice).

I was on this board a long while ago but have since had a major relapse.

Anyway long story short I'm trying to get back on track after being in hospital with intensive out patient support. However the 'support' element isn't exactly great but thats another story...

When people say 'You are looking really well!!!' I feel terrible. I know that sounds completely messed up and I should take it as a compliment but I just can't.

Or someone that that has heard about my ed say things like 'Oh! you don't look as bad as I thought you would' just makes the irrational said of me think i'm a total failure and instantaneously go back to bad habits. Or 'You eat a lot more than I was expecting'. Its almost like the off the cuff remarks just set me off and I turn to anorexia & bulimia to make me feel emotionally better. 

Tomorrow my friend is coming to stay for 2 days. I haven't seen her in a long while and I am dreading eating in front of her, what meals to cook, what foods she might bring into my house , what she might say, the list goes on. I know I'm preempting it and should just go with the flow but I am in panic mode right now.

I KNOW this isn't good enough hence why I am asking for help :( Can anyone relate?! or offer advice apart from magically become a different sane minded person over night (if it were that easy eh?)

Eugh sorry.

Your friend coming to stay should ideally prove a positive thing if it means you cannot be deceptive and avoidant of the food you need around her. This said, what is your weight now? Your height? From the sounds of it you need more than just outpatient still and I have a sneaking suspicion you are not of a healthy weight or even close to it, even if people are saying you don't look "so bad". They might be comparing to how you appeared before you went into hospital and it does not mean you're fat. Nor does it automatically mean you're healthy either.

You are probably right la la but there is nothing available believe me I've been trying hard to find help. I'm really struggling on my own and yes, part of me is having trouble letting go but I don't know what to do. I am not of a healthy weight and I am frightened about gaining weight. When I do gain weight I wind up losing it again and I'm running round in circles because any little thing is triggering. I know I can't live in a bubble so how do I get over finding the smallest things upsetting and keep on the right road? 

You get yourself to inpatient. Go to your hospital A+E if you have to. If you are stuck in this rut and totally unable to recover alone then, it's quite simple - you cannot do it alone.

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/HelpFinderDirectory-1

I know you're in Scotland, but not where. Use this to help you.

I'm in Glasgow.

I've been told that I have I'm best to get care in the community and inpatient eating disorder services are very limited. I've been suffering for years and my weight has been low for quite some time. The only specialised inpatient unit is the Priory and you have to be granted funding or pay for yourself. 

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/HelpFinderDirectory-1/ c_helpfindersearchresults_pav_prc?organisatio n_type=NHS&county=Glasgow+City&countr y=&search=Search

Priory Hospital Glasgow

Referral Criteria and Process - GP Referral. NHS Consultant Referral. NHS Eating Disorders Team Referral

Talk to your GP again.

About the comments about eating, it can be very difficult, but try to shrug them off. This is about you becoming healthy and happy, what other people say shouldn't get in the way of your goal. Things like these happen, though. People don't alway realize how an ED makes a person think and how sensitive they can become. Often my mum will walk by when I'm eating and will say something to the effect of, "What are you eating now?" or "What is this, course 4?" Of course she doesn't actually think about how this can be counterproductive to my recovery, she just doesn't understand. Like the people who comment about you- they don't understand what kind of thoughts and feelings they bring to the surface. Also, when some people think "eating disorder" they picture walking stick figures, bones and skin. You are not a failure just because you didn't let yourself get to that point or got help to stay away from that point, it means you took the first powerful step toward recovering from your ED. So try not to associate them with how you look or how you eat. Besides, you need more food than a person trying to maintain their weight. 

Thank you mars. I know myself that I am by no means healthy but when you are attempting to make recovery work it makes that hill harder to climb. It doesn't help I am a v. sensitive person in general.

Thanks again lala. However funding is not available! I've spoken to my GP many times before, also discussed with my psychologist, ed team, psychiatrist and cpn. In fact its something talked about on a weekly basis. Apparently it is not an option unless you are basically no longer physically functioning at all. If you know about special funding that my doctors don't then please help track it down. Otherwise linking me to links to options that I've been told are not available to me are not helpful. Eating disorders make you feel like you aren't 'bad enough' and having the constant reminder about a private hospital that costs thousands and is not able to take me on is quite hard to take.

i go through this alot too...it is soooooooo damn hard...i give you all my strength! lol. it sucks. but theres nothing we can do to change them. im always here to talk, vent to, give support <3

i have the same issue...except i haven't shared my ED with anyone so when people make comments i know it's not out of vindictiveness...except many people subtly accuse me of having an ED which gets on my nerves...being in recovery and all...they act like i must not eat or something...or i eat a lot around others and little when alone. i also fear that people must thing i'm bulimic and i never have been...ever...but since i eat so much and I'm so small...i think they assume i must be bulimic. it really sucks. my roommate said she can tell i'm gaining weight and it made me want to restrict again even though my goal is to gain...it just freaked me out!! anyone else have similar experiences?

Original Post by chrissy1988:

i have the same issue...except i haven't shared my ED with anyone so when people make comments i know it's not out of vindictiveness...except many people subtly accuse me of having an ED which gets on my nerves...being in recovery and all...they act like i must not eat or something...or i eat a lot around others and little when alone. i also fear that people must thing i'm bulimic and i never have been...ever...but since i eat so much and I'm so small...i think they assume i must be bulimic. it really sucks. my roommate said she can tell i'm gaining weight and it made me want to restrict again even though my goal is to gain...it just freaked me out!! anyone else have similar experiences?

Totally. It's always like that for me in the beginning (2nd time). It's like you want to gain weight to be healthy, but you don't want people to really notie you've put on weight. lol.

To the OP: You're welcome and good luck

People are curious, they are trying to understand what is happening with the people around them.  You're eating a lot and not gaining weight, this is unusual, so they want to know how they can do the same or if they have sufficient education to know something about eating disorders, they want to know what they can do to help.  Most have no bad intentions.  Just leave it that we're all a bunch of curious monkeys with very little control over what we say most of the time.

Original Post by smwhipple:

People are curious, they are trying to understand what is happening with the people around them.  You're eating a lot and not gaining weight, this is unusual, so they want to know how they can do the same or if they have sufficient education to know something about eating disorders, they want to know what they can do to help.  Most have no bad intentions.  Just leave it that we're all a bunch of curious monkeys with very little control over what we say most of the time.

thanks smwhipple...that really helps. i know people don't mean anything by their comments usually but sometimes it still hurts you know? like it just sparks a flurry of negative thoughts about myself that they couldn't have even anticipated. Thanks though, it helps to be reminded of this.

Exactly, so even when someone accidentally says something hurtful, they're/we're mostly so oblivious, or we're carrying info/issues over from the last 3-5 people we interacted with.  As you get stronger, you'll be better able to influence those around you positively. 

What you said is extremely helpful and reassuring :) thank you. I am hoping things get easier as time goes on and I would be happier if the slightest thing isn't triggering to me. I assume those triggered feelings will subside? I hope so anyway.

I rather suspect that you'll develop a bit of a thicker skin as recover and your body becomes healthier and your mental outlook becomes healthier.  You'll feel more and more confident that what you're doing for your recovery is right so you'll need less reassurance and also find fewer things to be hurtful.

We're all convinced that to one degree or another everyone is looking at us and noticing our perceived flaws when in fact they're too busy with their own issues to pay any attention to our ours most of the time.

Personally, I think it is in bad taste and it is bad manners to comment on some ones weight or food habits. Ever. For any reason.

The people who do are just ignorant, and are not educated about how their harmless comments can make people in your predicament feel.

Just lack of understanding on the matter, not ill intent!