ED (NOT eating disorder)

I have been lurking around quite a bit and sometimes I think these posts HAVE to be a joke, but this is for real.

I have been married for over 10 years. We have a very nice relationship. I am late 40's husband is 52. I haven't been as horny because of menopause, but now it is even worse! Lately the sex hasn't been as often and he hasn't been as um.... big and stiff... (Wow, that was difficult to write!) so when we do it, it isn't always as successful for me.

He works in construction (mostly management) but I know it is physically hard. He had knee surgery about a year ago and is still in a lot of pain. He has been doing PT and today is at the doctor's getting an injection of some kind of "chicken fat" (?) He takes a med for high blood pressure and meds for pain (celebrex?).

I have tried to ask him about "this" and he keeps brushing me off. He is very good at changing the subject! I want him to talk to his primary care physician and see if it could be the meds or some other problem. He kind of agrees and then never makes an appointment (granted he has PT 3x/wk and then he has his knee doctor's apt. too). There is NO chance that he is having an affair unless he is doing it at PT with everyone watching (and since he isn't into that, it seems highly unlikely)! Then I start thinking I don't excite him as I have gained a few pounds (but I am losing) and that seems SO shallow (he isn't quite as HOT as when I met him, but I still love him and find him attractive...)

HELP!!! Do you think it is the meds? What other medical condition could it be? How can I get him to talk about it? or see a doctor?

How do you get him to talk about it?  Honey, we need to talk.  You've been married for 10 years and you can't talk to him?  I mean, I know it's a sensitive topic, but you should feel comfortable going to him with concerns you have in your relationship.  It's all in how you present it.  No accusations or complaints... just genuine concern that everything is well and good in the marriage (and if so, then with his health).

adolphs.. if they don't wanna talk, they DON'T.

It took me 3 months to get something very personal out of my hubby. I asked him just the way you say. Over and over, different variations, KNOWING something was bothering him. He could barely choke it out when he finally told me.

And this is something many men feel STRONGLY about, and can't/don't want to face, no matter how simple the solution, or how their spouse feels about it.

OP, I don't know what to tell you! Keep trying.. keep persisting and not let him brush it off... if its anything like my man, you'll get to the bottom but it will be piece by piece.

I'm just gonna say this:  I think it's the meds.

My bf was only 23 when he went on blood pressure medication and we had the exact same problem.  TWENTY THREE.  you can imagine my horror.  and I too had gained some weight (so had he, damnit! haha) and I felt so inadequate. I of course was so direct about it, if the meds didn't do it, my nagging sure did after i mentioned it.  I was only 20, and too busy thinking about how i wasn't "hot enough" to stand back and look at the big picture. 

It is a very very difficult thing to talk about, so don't be surprised if he doesn't take to the convo kindly but i think if you can communicate through 10 years of marriage you'll get through this no problem :)

I forget exactly what meds he was on, but it was horrible.  His doctor told him that could be a side-effect and he got off them because they started to make him go bald.  Jeesh. 

good luck!

Thanks for the encouragement. I have asked him about it SO many times in gentle, non-threatening, careful, ways... (is there such a thing when it is ED?). I don't want to be a nag and make it worse! He just listens patiently and then changes the subject! He has only done this once or twice in 10 years on other subjects, but eventually he would talk. This has been going on for several months and it is getting worse. Granted he isn't 23 (OMG I would have out and out died!) but I still hope to have fun for many more years! Maybe some men out there in cc-land will offer up some other suggestions. Thanks again.

hey, it almost deifantely is correlated with meds. Also at his age his testosterone is declining and some decline faster than others. It could also be an isue of high Testosterone to Estradiol conversion which also increases with age. These situations are much more fixable than people realize. He needs to find a good doctor and get blood work done. Make sure includes Total test, free test, estradiol, LH, FSH.

Warning: there are many doctors who dont know alot about Hormone replacemnt therapy so make sure you find a good doctor if it comes out that he needs it.

Im very passionate about this subject because there are so many people who could benefit from HRT.

I would be more than willing to help if you have more questions on this subject.

High blood pressure is directly related to ED.

and now you know why i nag the BF like a mad woman.  

don't take THAT away from me.  SERIOUSLY. 

i'd just like to add that we're all better now lol.. he's now 24, off meds.. and.. functioning just fine ;)

well better than fine.

this is awkward D: 

g/l claire! (((hugs)))

Common culprits:

-medication for high blood pressure

-diabetes

-excess abdominal fat

-smoking, alcohol, drugs

-stress, lack of sleep, performance anxiety

-physical pain! if his knee is hurting, he might not be able to get into it - it would be nothing if not distracting. I know that when I am in pain from anything at all, sex is the last thing I can focus on, let alone get excited about.

Honestly, just keep talking to him gently and lovingly about it - 52 is quite young to be having this problem, meaning it can likely be fixed with a few simple changes - he'll have to enlist his doctor's help to figure out the cause. It is NOT likely from testosterone deficiency, that is largely a media-created "problem" (with the remedy all ready to be sold, of course). One of the simpler ways to figure out if it's stress/psyche-related is the following: does he still have morning wood and/or can he still masturbate effectively? If so, then it is likely situational/psychological as opposed to biological.

And - it might be time to expand your sexual repertoire to ensure that you can receive pleasure without a stiff hard one (ahem - drink, I mean stiff drink...). Even if the problem can be resolved for the time being, it will recur at some point if you both live long enough and stay together... older people often have to mix it up a bit. As long as he doesn't get severe osteoarthritis of the fingers AND a stroke that causes paralysis of the mouth and tongue, I'm sure you can work something out... ;)

Trustwomen, you made me laugh! Thanks! Neither of us do illegal drugs and he doesn't even drink much (1-2 on the weekend). You definitely reminded me of one thing, he does NOT wake up with an erection any more! Sometimes it is sort of, but not really:( He would just die if he knew I said this! I will have to ask him if he is still masterbating. I knew he used to occasionally do it in the morning before work... he gets up at 4:30 am so waking me up for sex at 4am isn't too realistic, but right now, I think I would be game! Definitely stress and lack of sleep. A little abdominal fat, but I don't think it is in excess and would cause a problem. We do seem to be in a bit of a rut, doing the same old thing, but it seems to usually work best for me so we don't get very creative. I would like to try some new variations.... why is it so easy to fall into a rut?! How do you suggest finding a "good" doctor? I can't quite ask my friends, "BTW, who do you suggest for ED?" You guys have given me hope. thanks.

Actually the contrary is true, regarding age decreases in testosterone. Media does  not create too much in the area as test therapy is looked down upon anyway. Doctor's are finding more and more that sex hormones are declining quite often at younger ages these days. Now I am not saying that is his case, however once he fixes the smaller things in his life and his libido is still suffereing then HRT would be the next step.

Have him talk to the doctor that gave him the prescription for high blood pressure meds - it is a known side effect, it won't be the first time that the doctor has heard a similar complaint. Figure out if there is another alternative with fewer side effects (don't just stop taking it if he needs it, though - a heart attack would really put a damper on your sex life!). For that matter, improving his diet and exercise habits will help with circulation and therefore ED independently of its effects on his blood pressure, though getting him in good enough shape to not need the meds is also a nice goal. 

The lack of morning arousal does indicate probable blood flow problems: in his case, probably iffy lifestyle habits combined with his meds. Though he needs to get good sleep and reduce his stress as well, or all bets are off with respect to improvement. (Does he have sleep apnea, namely loud snoring that occasionally is interrupted by periods of breathing cessation followed by a loud "hnork" when he restarts? It's one of the most underdiagnosed medical conditions out there and has HUGE effects on a person's system in so many ways.)

As for getting out of your rut in order to improve your rutting, I leave that to your imagination. It's never too late to add variety to your sex life.

And declining sex hormones are vastly overstated as a cause for sexual problems in men, especially in younger men like the OP's husband. HRT is not to be taken lightly and its use is controversial for many reasons (increased risk of prostate cancer, for one). Ching, your statements are borderline dangerous.

I agree with everything you stated, however HRT should not be controversial. I would like to ask you nicely to Please stop perpetuating myths, and research before making irresponsible claims.

I have been researching endocrine function for many years now.....

IF you dont believe me i think Harvard University is a pretty reliable source

"A retrospective analysis by researchers at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center (BIDMC) published in The New England Journal of Medicine found no causal relationship between testosterone replacement and prostate cancer or heart disease risk

"We reviewed decades of research and found no compelling evidence that testosterone replacement therapy increases the incidence of prostate cancer or cardiovascular disease," said Abraham Morgentaler, a urologist at BIDMC and associate clinical professor at Harvard Medical School. "Although it would be helpful to have data from long-term, large-scale studies, it must also be recognized that there already exists a substantial body of research on the effects of testosterone in men."

http://www.hno.harvard.edu/...stosterone.html

and the British agree as well.......

"The men with lower testosterone levels had an increased risk of dying from any cause, but most particularly of cardiovascular disease," Khaw tells WebMD. "We looked at cancer, too, and found no evidence of a link to cancer with higher testosterone levels."

Nearly 12,000 men enrolled in the long-term study from 1993 to 1997. More than 800 of the men died by 2003; Khaw compared these men's testosterone levels to those of some 1,500 living study participants.

After adjusting for factors that might affect risk of death -- including age, weight, smoking, alcohol use, high blood pressure, diabetes, physical activity, education, and social class -- the link between low testosterone and earlier death remained.

Compared to men with the lowest quartile (25%) of testosterone levels:

Men in the second lowest quartile were 25% less likely to die.
Men in the second highest quartile were 38% less likely to die.
Men in the highest quartile were 41% less likely to die."

http://men.webmd.com/...one-early-death

http://circ.ahajournals.org/...int/116/23/269 4

 I have many more sources if need be....let me know and ill post away

Well ladies, here's a man's reply to all this.

I am 59 YO and have had ED for maybe 5 years, about the length of time I have been on blood pressure medication.  It is VERY frustrating when you want it to happen, and nothing happens.  I've tried all 3 major brands of ED pills.  They all work but there are differences.  Viagra works OK but gives you a headache for about 12-18 hours after.  Cialis has a nice long effect, good to go for 24-48 hours but not quite as "hard" an effect as the other 2, but headache effect is less noticeable.  Levitra has the hardest and surest effect, but a good headache is assured.

It's nothing to do with finding you desirable.  I find almost ALL women desireable!  (but I'm happily married and faithful).

Since I started losing weight and working out at the YMCA EVERY day since June 10, 2009, I have dropped from 264 to 239 pounds, a 25 pound loss.  Amazingly, things are starting to happen on their own again!  I'm very excited that it might be possible to beat this problem by losing weight and getting physically fit.  I burn 500+ calories every day at the Y, and limit intake to 1,500 to 2,000 a day.  My goal, and I'm sticking to it, is 182 pounds, I'm 6'1", and that would be a BMI of like 25.

So I agree that ED is directly related to high blood pressure and being overweight and not aerobically fit.  There may be other causes, but I think these two would be at the top of the list.

As far as talking to your man about this, as long as it is done in a loving way with no hint of "you're not meeting my needs", it should be OK.  It might be a relief to not have the 800 pound gorilla in the room that is unspoken about.

Hi Claire-just wanted to say I feel for you. My bf is not on blood pressure meds but does have it-borderline anyway. He is not having problems with getting things working but with desire. He is 50 and works long physical hours too.

It is hard to talk about. Here or with him. It is hard for so many reasons. I feel undesirable/ he feels pressure and inadequate. As a guy-you are free to compalin about  your wife or gf  'not giving it up' but if we as women do it it is taboo and a total embarassment to them. I am very visual and often 'see' the word SEX between us when we are going to sleep at night. It is an elephant in the room. Talking about it sometimes makes things worse and I find myself wishing that I could just get over it but I cant.

He has mentioned it to a dr or two but he only mildly mentions it and they say "well you are getting older" and that is it. I am ten years younger and it is very hard to deal with this.

I have found talking here/posting in my journal in a somewhat anonymous fashion to be a great source of comfort and place to vent. It is helpful to know you are not alone. Best of luck to you.

hammerup, congratulations on your lifestyle change and how exciting it must be to have things spontaneously improve!!!

Does HRT exist for men? I know they make testosterone pills. Or is it just rare that men seek help for it? I know women are far more open about these things than men.

Hammerup: That's great news and congrats on your weightloss! You're doing great! In fact you've inspired me a bit! :D

Future214: Does he still get turned on but just isn't able to get it to function? If so there are other ways for him to make you feel... better (lack of a better word).

It's really unfair, to both of you, that this is happening. :(

It certainly does exist, however like i said earlier many are uneducated about the topic. They do not treat it with pills. Typically they start someone out with a topical gel. However in most cases this is not very effective. The best method is injections.

Ching, treatment guidelines for physicians do NOT recommend giving hormones to men whose levels are above 200 ng/dl, or 6.9 nmol/l, which is a VERY low level that reflects true testicular problems and not normal aging. The prostate cancer trials were only 6 months - long term effects are not known and it makes sense that extra testosterone could cause problems - an effective chemotherapy for prostate cancer is a medication to block testosterone production!

All of your links are broken, but you probably know that.

In any controversial medical topic there will be studies on both sides. The consensus among medical professionals, however, is to NOT give hormones to men unless their levels are really, really low - and even then, to recommend diet and exercise first, as this can help resolve some of the symptoms (muscle loss, decreased sexual function) without taking medication.

Remember what happened with the female HRT "panacea" - that didn't end so well. Aging is not a disease, and past a certain age, a person's body does change, and that should not be considered pathological.

But at 52, this is not even the situation of the OP's husband, and indeed the vast majority of men with ED do NOT have hormone insufficiency: they just have an unhealthy lifestyle, chronic disease such as diabetes, or take medications with side effects. And that is among those for whom the condition is actually physical and not psychological - the latter actually comprise a fair proportion of men with ED.

I am not writing this to convince you, Ching, but instead to ensure that no one else reading this will give credence to this dangerous fad and potentially risk their health. Those who have been on CC for some time know that I strive for accuracy in my science, as it is a responsibility of my impending profession (I graduate from medical school next spring). Please consult a physician instead of buying hormone replacement medications over the counter (or essentially over the counter, i.e. given by someone who is not a doctor). Although DHEA is available without a prescription in the US, other developed countries have BANNED it (including Canada) in the absence of evidence about its safety. But there are big bucks to be made in pathologizing normal aging in American men.