ED is freaking out (but he knew it was coming.)

So everyone, i've summoned all my willpower to keep on gaining the past few weeks without weighing myself, just because i know i need to get healthy.

Well, this morning i weighed myself and absolutely broke down and couldn't stop. Im now 125.8 lbs at 5'10... and i havent been that heavy since almost-pre ED. 

The initial shock at actually seeing those numbers just tore me apart... i feel so fat... i can almost pinch it off my hips, i feel like ive failed since i was once 13 lbs lighter... but i did this because i want to live fuller. But tell me, how can i when i feel this way about myself now? how do you all deal with the actual weight gain?

i just really need to know im not in it alone because i feel so depressed right now...

You're still underweight. You have to remember this. 125.8 is still underweight at 5'10 and your BMI needs to be 20. You're still in danger. You're doing the right thing by gaining, not the wrong thing, and your ED is a liar in any negative thoughts that may be coming at you now. You're a step closer to health, happiness, to fertility and kids, to a long and fruitful life that being underweight will rob from you. Thin won't bring you happiness.

If your scale gives you this much grief, hun - smash it. Destroy it. Destroy it and take it not only a hammer to your scale but to your ED. You deserve more than what a number on an LCD screen and a lying voice in your mind may make you believe you do. You are not a failure. You are not fat. You are far from it.

Write a list of everything you will gain from gaining. And no, I don't mean "weight". I mean, everything that you won't get to do if you live a sub-par life in a sub-normal body too fragile to get by doing the everyday things.

Keep your chin up. You're doing amazingly.

Thank you so much lala, you are so encouraging.

My restricting came back today, but your post actually made me eat a grilled cheese sandwich! I know my ED is making me "feel" fat, in reality i know im one of the skinniest people in my school. Its so hard to not listen to that voice though, because i almost gave into it today. I just wish i could see myself for the way i am.

Thanks xo

You're welcome. But don't let yourself slip. Keep to your gain intake where you can today even if it means slightly larger snacks and meals for the remainder of today, get back on track, and keep fighting.

I feel for you. I really do! I  have been there, done that. STill there.

Anyways I wish I could give you the perfect advice. I still struggle with myself, a lot, but what helps me is excercise and focusing on something else. I try to teach myself something new, so I do read a lot. Also excercising helps to boost my mood. With a happier outlook I have less incidence with my ED.

Good luck hun!

lalabanana your awesome I see your advice everywhere, you deserve notice for your efforts,

I cant formulate as positive statments as you but I wish I could