Is this the ED?

Hey Guys,

Iv always struggled with my weight and been trying to diet etc (even though iv always had a good figure).  I used to be a popular, bubbly girl who was always doing new activities and lived life to the full.

I went to Uni and ended up leaving because i was struggling with anorexia.  Iv had some treatment after struggling with this for over a year and im slowly getting better.

Over the past couple of weeks iv seen a huge change in myself and feel like iv relaxed into life abit more.  I was prepared for last week to be a struggle due to eating out everyday at restraunts and eating huge amounts of food over xmas.  I also didnt do quite as much exercise due to social occasions etc but i coped really well....infact, i felt the happiest, relaxed and more appreciative/proud of my body than for a very long time!

The problem is, today is my first day back at work after xmas festivities have finished and i feel fat and low.  Already i feel like its "back to the old routine" and all i can see in my life is food/exercise/obsessions/guilt feelings/anxiety and control.

I managed to genuinely enjoy what was going on around me, enjoyed my families company instead of feeling irritated by them and actually wanted to go out and enjoy doing things but i went to bed last night feeling like it was back to being "serious".  I dont know how else to occupy myself except for surf the net on sites like this and read up about calories etc...i dont want to but its all that interests me.  Thats another reason i go to the gym because its one of the only things that interests me.

What is this?!?

Thankyou

xxx

It sounds like you're trying to fall back into old habits....  That's your comfort-zone, after all.   After the highs of Christmas etc., a lot of people find they're at a bit of a loose end in this lull period.   So it's tempting to revert to type.   However, if you're conscious that you're not happy in that behaviour pattern any more then you have a golden opportunity to deliberately break out of the vicious circle and do something else.  

Suggest that if you want to be 'serious' you focus on the real nub of the issue which is your continued recovery and do everything possible... including losing the link to this website.... to find other areas of life to feel good about.   There's a whole world out there.

You are worth so much more than the routine you prescribe yourself. It seems like over the past couple of weeks you've played with the idea of freedom and happiness. Whos to say you cant play with it a little longer?

As far as occupying yourself, what do you think you would be doing if you knew EVERYTHING about calories, macronutrients, etc? Chances are, you already do, and like me you had to re-read everything to reassure the ED everything was "in order".

Human beings dont deserve this.