do i have an ED?

i've been counting calories for 2 months now, and i'm starting to wonder if i'm showing signs of ED.

i've always had kind of a messed up relationship with food.  as a kid i always wanted as much as i could get.  for unknown reasons, that made me feel more grown up.  as a teenager i just didn't care about my food intake, so i ate whatever i wanted.  then in college, so many times i would just think about my next meal even if i wasn't hungry.  that triggered cravings and binges.  i got fed up, counted calories and exercised, and lost 30 pounds.  then i transfered to a different college and just got lazy and gave up on the weight loss.  gained 50 pounds eating whatever i wanted.  thought about food a lot, had cravings and binges galore.

about 2 months ago my boyfriend and i started our new weight loss journey.  we're both doing well.  he's down about 15 pounds and i've lost 18.  i've also gotten over all of my past food issues.  but now i think i have new ones.

i get upset when i eat meals over 400 calories.  not like freaking out or crying or anything like that.  but it annoys me because it throws me off my normal calorie counting routine.  i've also started being afraid of baked goods and candy.  i'm afraid to eat them at all because i don't want to mess up my calorie schedule.  i feel like i can't trust myself around higher calorie foods, even though in the past i've been able to stop after a few bites.

i'm also afraid of cheat days.  i only had 2 real cheat days over the past 2 months.  i read about people having them once a week and i just can't imagine such a thing!  even if it's just eating maintanence, i'm afraid to do it.  i'm afraid of gaining back all the weight like i did before.  this week i started getting cravings for baked goods.

i keep trying to talk myself into indulging because i know this way of thinking isn't good.  but then i talk myself out of it.  it's like i have a devil and an angel on my shoulders arguing about a brownie.  i'm thinking about taking a break for a week or two from counting to see if that helps any.  still eat healthy like i have been, but not watching the numbers.  i'll also allow myself to have a pastry here and there in moderation.

i know i should talk to a doctor about this, but i'm having problems with my insurance right now and i can't afford to pay for a doctor visit.  plus i'm hoping that i'm catching this early enough that it won't need too much professional intervention, if any.  i guess i just need someone to tell me if i really do have a problem, or if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

thanks for reading.  sorry it's so long.

and my stats, because i know someone will ask:
24 year old female
211 pounds (highest weight, 229)
5'7
sedentary activity level with 1 hour of walking most days
~1600 calories a day (no more than 100 over or under)
i eat several small meals throughout the day.  for whatever reason it helps to control the cravings and the urge to binge.

• Do you make yourself Sick because you feel uncomfortably full?
• Do you worry that you have lost Control over how much you eat?
• Have you recently lost more than One stone (14lb/6.5kgs) in a 3 month period?
• Do you believe yourself to be Fat when others say you are too thin?
• Would you say that Food dominates your life?

The above is the simple 'scoff' questionnaire that is often used to signal if someone potentially has disordered eating tendencies.  If someone can answer 'yes' to two or more questions then that's a good predictor that there's a problem

I don't think you are in that zone yet, personally, but I'm not a doctor, of course.  You're eating reasonable amounts of what sounds like good foods, you're not punishing yourself at the gym with hours of exercise.  It's pretty common for people who are very motivated to lose weight to become very focused on what they're doing.  They often label certain foods as 'bad', like you are.  And many do feel a little anxious that if they stop counting points or calories they'll gain the weight back. All those would be fairly normal in the average dieter.  However, I would say that if you think your weight-loss efforts are turning into something a little too obsessive you should probably listen to your own concerns and do something to change matters before the situation deteriorates.  You could find a therapist of some kind to help you do that, but you're probably capable of doing it alone.  You don't sound 'too far gone..' if you know what I mean.

What you may find helps is to understand that long-term weight-loss can be actively helped by having the occasional 'maintenance day'... a day where you consume your full energy needs.  This stops it being a 'cheat' (which implies something underhand and deceitful) and instead is a legitimate weight-control technique.  If you are thinking of it as a valid tactic, you will probably feel better about eating more or using it as an opportunity to work in a small treat.  Once you discover that eating a single brownie doesn't result in explosive weight-gain, you'll feel more confident that you can do it again.

Good luck

thank you so much, gi jane.  that's exactly what i needed to hear!  and i'm so glad that you're the one to respond.  you always give the best advice on the site. :)

Thanks for the compliment.   This site does tend to lean quite a lot towards disordered eating problems and it's easy to take elements from individual stories and think 'that's me!'.  Sometimes I think it's worth pointing out that what you're experiencing could be perfectly normal.  

Do have a 'maintenance day' soon.  I think you'd benefit on a lot of levels if you gave yourself permission to eat more.  If all you're comfortable with is a 'diet intake' you're like the lion tamer keeping the dangerous beast at arms length with a whip and a chair..... the lion is still in charge of the situation.    If you're truly in control you should be able to manage larger amounts of food just as successfully as smaller amounts.   And then you're the type of lion tamer that can click his fingers and the lion trots over... you're in charge.

Give it a shot, I think it'll help.

I have had this same problem! I started counting calories. like I was obsessive. I wouldn't go over my limit even if it meant I was hungry. Finally, I decided to stop that because 1) I am/was running for over an hour a day and needed more 2) I wasn't enjoying food which is ridiculous.

So, I slowly just changed my mindset. I starting not counting calories and focused on very clean, healthy eating. The only things I watch now because I eat cleaner is hidden sodium and sugar levels. But else yea, I was getting the point where I could have easily developed an ED.

I remember crying one night hysterically because I couldnt find my id card so I could work out. Found it though. haha

Now though I realize I can eat 2,000 calories and not gain. I'm 5' 1 and 105 and soon to be 20!

I completely agree with what GI-Jane said.

I also would like to add that hearing this:

"i'm afraid of gaining back all the weight like i did before."

signals that you not so much have disordered eating, as a problem with fear. You are making yourself fearful of food because of your fear of FAT. You're afraid to regain all the weight you've lost, so you're restricting yourself down to an unreasonable level.

Have maintenance days. Once a week. It's a good rest for your metabolism, lets you have those treats you want, and then you aren't as prone to binging. Think of maintenance days like a good night's rest for your metabolism: beauty sleep does wonders for your body doesn't it? It's the same with maintenance days. It tricks your metabolism from going into 'starvation mode', keeps you sane because you're allowed to go out to eat, or eat cake at a party, etc,.

This is NOT a diet that you are on. This is a lifestyle. Can you imagine living the way you are, and being HAPPY, forever?

If your answer is no, you're not treating yourself right.

I understand the fear of getting fat again. I was 250 lbs. when I started, and I'm 167 now. 17 more pounds to goal weight!

I've lost and gained weight, a little yo-yo throughout the last 2-3 years....but it's always gone back down. Don't be afraid of gaining a little weight during stressful times, just know that you can and will get right back on track with treating your body with respect and love.

Hope this helped, even a little :)

thanks everyone!  a big part of my concern that i forgot to mention in my first post was that i do want this to be a lifestyle change.  there's no way i can live the rest of my life without ever eating another chocolate pastry from panera lol.  i also love baking with a passion, and not being able to eat what i make upset me.

i'm definitely gonna work on this.  tonight i'm baking pina colada angel food cake for dessert and i'm gonna enjoy it! i feel so much happier already. :)

I'm glad :) p.s. you blood elf is pretty :)

Original Post by annacabana:

tonight i'm baking pina colada angel food cake for dessert and i'm gonna enjoy it! i feel so much happier already. :)

You know what, so do I!   I'm also a total foodie, cook and general bon-viveur and my life would be not worth living if I couldn't indulge a little occasionally.  What I've learned, however, is to be mega-mega-fussy when it comes to treats.  Think 'spoilt DIVA'..  LOL!  I absolutely will not be fobbed off with some cheapo, fake, day-glo, crapola frozen dessert served up like a house-brick.   (Divas don't stoop to such rubbish)  If I'm going to blow a few precious calories it has to be on something nothing short of sensational ... and I don't mind if it's in a dainty portion two bites big.  Savour some of that pina colada cake and smile....