Ed Is Now Homeless!!! (and I recommend no one take him in)

I have been struggling with an eating disorder for several years now, and I have had enough!  I’ve been too long sitting on the fence (“I sort of want to get better. . .but I’m scared. . .so I’ll just sit here and think about it a while longer. . .and longer. . .”), you get the picture.  Well, I’m ready to get my life back.

I have always visualized my struggle (to recover—not to recover) as standing at the door of an airplane trying to figure out whether or not to jump.  I know I have a parachute that will lower me safely to the ground, but still I hesitate.  With my ed, I hesitate to get well because I’m afraid that once I’m ‘recovered’, I’ll look around and realize that it’s not all I thought it would be.  I’ll still be miserable, but I’ll be fat on top of it.  My twisted logic said, “I’d rather have the hope that something better is out there, than to pursue it and find out it’s just a mirage.  Then I’ll end up in even greater despair!”  So there I stand, gripping the door frame while the plane circles round and round.  Normally this is where my little mental story ends, but this morning it went further.  The person behind me asked, “What’s wrong, why aren’t you jumping?  Are you afraid your parachute won’t open?”  I answered, “No, that’s not it.  I know this has been done hundreds of times, and these parachutes are tested and proven.  I’m pretty confident that it will open safely.”  They pressed further, “Well then what’s the problem?”  And here was my answer, “What if I don’t like the color of my parachute?  I certainly don’t want to inflate it and be hanging there for all the world to see, and realize too late that it’s a horrible color!  I’d rather jump without my parachute than take the chance that it won’t be what I’m hoping for!”  How crazy this sounds, yet that is exactly what I’ve been doing.  I don’t want to take the path so many others have taken to get well, because I’m afraid it won’t meet my expectations, but what’s the alternative?  Continuing to live with anorexia is just as suicidal as jumping from a plane without a parachute.  Whether it happens right away or long down the road, death is the only certain outcome.  I think I’ll take my chances with the living option.  Then ed piped in, “Who says you have to jump at all?  Just sit in the plane where it’s safe and comfortable!”  There’s just one problem ed:  The plane will eventually run out of gas and crash.  Your ‘solution’ would simply postpone, but not change, my fate.  And in the meantime, my life would be pointless, just circling the sky and waiting. . .while you lull me into a false sense of security.  You tell me how smart I am for staying in the plane, but then I realize that you are the pilot, and now it’s just you and me.  A sneer warps your face and you jerk the controls, sending us into a steep nosedive, tailspinning toward the ground below. . . .

But this will not be my fate!  My eyes have been opened and I am choosing freedom!

So here are my questions:

1:  How many calories do I need to gain?  The tool on this site said 1800 to gain one pound per week.  This sounds low compared to what most people on here say, but I am short and small framed.  However, I want to maintain on a decent amount when I reach my goal weight. . .what to do?

2.  What should my caloric rate of increase be?  (How often should I up them and how many at a time?)

3.  How would you recommend breaking up the calories through the day? (meals, snacks)

Stats:  I am 20 years old, 5'3", and weigh around 81 pounds.  I am sedentary and have been taking in around 1,000 calories a day.

I appreciate any advice given, and I promise you I will heed it!

(edit: originally forgot to post my age)

Life most likely isn't going to meet your expectations if you sit and wait for it to serve you no matter what your weight is.  If you actively participate in it and seek out parts of life that you enjoy and pursue those times of happiness you'll get far more out of it.  It is kind of like watching TV, if you don't like what's playing, change the channel, if there's nothing good on then switch to a different activity.  With your ED, your stuck on an awful channel so switching it is the best idea.

Do you have anyone in your real life helping you with this?  Have you spoken with your parents, a trusted adult friend, a counselor or a clergymember?  If not, the best help you can get is in your real life.

Off the top of my head, 1800 does seem low to gain if your under 18 it's most likely your maintenance intake even sedentary.  Given that you've been on a 1,000 calorie diet I think you should consult with your doctor and perhaps a nutritionist or at least get monitored by your doctor if not admitted to an in patient treatment program.  There can be some very dangerous health issues involved that should be watched.  While some people seem to do fine or at least think they do I would hate for you to be the one who doesn't see a doctor and it could have saved your life.

Until you do see your doctor, please do not exercise, keep the sedentary activity level.

I just want to say well done!! I think you're amazing! So strong, you stood up for yourself in your mind to ed for the first time and you sound as though you're determined to carry on doing it.

I think it's around 2500 cals per day to gain, though some more knowlegable people will probably be on to give you more accurate advice!

I don't know your stats but if you're very underweight you may not be able to recover and refeed on your own, no matter how much you want to. It could actually be dangerous I think so I would definately get the advice of a doctor ASAP. Also friends and family may be able to help with support?

I think you'll find lots of support on here as well, you sound like a really positive person who wants to make healthy changes so good for you and good luck :D

x Cherry

smwhipple: 

You are definitely right, simply gaining weight won't make anyone's life wonderful:)  I have already begun participating more in life and pursuing some interests, and it has really brightened my outlook!  It has also led me to realize how much better it could be without Ed hanging around.

I have been inpatient twice in the past, but this time I really want to get well.  My family is so sooo supportive (I'm very blessed)!  I also have a doctor, who I will be seeing next in about two weeks.  I know there can be complications when refeeding, and I want to be careful and do things properly.  My mom is an RN (I live at home), so she will help me monitor the health side of this.

Thanks for replying!

misscherryjane:

Thank you for your kind words!  Yes, I am determined to beat this!  My stats are in my original post.  I know I am definitely underweight, however I have been worse in the past (prior to going inpatient), so I really believe I can do this at home.  I do see a doctor and have lots of supportive people in my life!  I'm mainly coming to this site for help with the weight gain, calorie level part of it (fun, fun!)  Thanks again!

Original Post by bluidechic:

misscherryjane:

Thank you for your kind words!  Yes, I am determined to beat this!  My stats are in my original post.  I know I am definitely underweight, however I have been worse in the past (prior to going inpatient), so I really believe I can do this at home.  I do see a doctor and have lots of supportive people in my life!  I'm mainly coming to this site for help with the weight gain, calorie level part of it (fun, fun!)  Thanks again!

Whoops sorry, of course you did!

Hi=)

I've been a lurker at this site for a while...Like yourself I am trying to recover as well. I've always been "on the fence"; so I understand where you are coming from. Taking that first step is always the hardest...

I wanted to thank you for that wonderful analogy; it opened up my eyes=). I have always been afraid of what's to come...you hit it on the nail when you said " I’m afraid that once I’m ‘recovered’, I’ll look around and realize that it’s not all I thought it would be.  I’ll still be miserable, but I’ll be fat on top of it." I guess I have always been afraid of that as well...very much so...

Now, I'm slowly getting better; I still have my ups and downs...but nowadays its more ups than downs. I do admit at first I used this site badly, but as I read more and more about people's experiences and their adivices on the forum, I guess I just decided enough was enough...I am recovering on my own, getting there slowly, but I know I can do it! Plus I have my wonderful sister who refuses to deal with ED when he's out and about=P lol..I don't know what i'd do without her...=)

ops didn't intend to rant so much, but just wanted to wrap up by saying that this community is wonderful from what I've learnt from lurking=P I want to wish you the best of luck on your journey and you our full support if you ever need it=) Keep on smiling!

(lol sorry I didn't answer any of your questions...just wanted to drop in a few words of thank you for your story=))

Wow, I am so proud of everyone who takes a stand to ED. I also had ED, to the point I couldn't walk two steps without passing out (almost literally) I had feeding tubes at one point and I started losing my hair, my teeth became discolored, I was a skeloton wearing skin. 

It took a couple years and I have fully recovered and am very happy. I needed a lot of support and help. The best advice I can give you both is to take care of the reason why you had ED, why did you go there, take care of those issues so it doesn't come back. 

My issues were because of a very, very, very low self-esteem, and people made fun of me in grade school. I wanted to show them I was prettier, skinnier, and better than they were... and basically I really wanted to fit in. Through the process I had to learn to love myself for myself, and learn not to care what other people thought of me... I was basically driven by fear.

Now I lead a normal life, have a husband and two wonderful children (the drs said I wasn't able to have children, but they were wrong)... To look at me now you would have never thought I had a problem.  I have overcame ED for 10 years now.

I hope my story gives you the motivation you need for your upcomming battles. Don't get discouraged, and have fun while you are doing it. You have your whole life ahead of you and I am so glad you are claiming it.

preppy:

Lol, like you, I have been stalking this forum for awhile:)  Uncertain about change, but longing for it as I read about the journeys of others.  I'm so glad my post was an encouragement to you!  That helps strengthen my resolve, too!  Good luck to you, keep on fighting!

mrsmjennings:

Wow, congratulations to you on getting well and staying well!  That helps me believe that freedom is really possible.  You are so right, it is important to deal with whatever underlying issues led to an eating disorder.  I've been working on that and will continue to do so.  Oh, and one of my biggest dreams is to have children someday, so glad you were able to!  Thanks for the motivation!

I love this Bluid!

I know that this is outdated, but it was finding this thread that encouraged me to post. I hesitated for a while because sometimes I find ED support sites more of an encouragement for a life ticking to the tune of the food/weight cage and security.

Then I read this...someone making the same choice as me.  Time to get off that fence and see whats out there!

BTW-I absolutely belive it is possible to really do it.  I also believe it takes a real determination and decision from the soul. It's not just a game, it's a way of life!
A new purpose, identity, way of thinking.

But then, it's like once you've embraced that -without all the compromising with the "maybe this or that" [the fence!]- there's no stopping you!

And also, sometimes having played the games, toyed around for too long can be helpful with giving yout he tools: you know what you're up against and also what your sick of.  What it takes, and what you're ready for.

Let's do it!!!

Original Post by lilmissgutz:

BTW-I absolutely belive it is possible to really do it.  I also believe it takes a real determination and decision from the soul. It's not just a game, it's a way of life!
A new purpose, identity, way of thinking.

Let's do it!!!

 Absolutely!!!

I cannot believe how far I've come, and it's been totally worth every step!  I never dreamed this much life and freedom was possible!  And there's more to come!

It is a new identity, and for me that has been my identity in Christ.  Realizing how precious I am to God has helped me to see myself from His perspective, which in turn helped change my thoughts about myself.  He has made all the difference in my life!  He IS my purpose!

Original Post by bluidechic:

Original Post by lilmissgutz:

BTW-I absolutely belive it is possible to really do it.  I also believe it takes a real determination and decision from the soul. It's not just a game, it's a way of life!
A new purpose, identity, way of thinking.

Let's do it!!!

 Absolutely!!!

I cannot believe how far I've come, and it's been totally worth every step!  I never dreamed this much life and freedom was possible!  And there's more to come!

It is a new identity, and for me that has been my identity in Christ.  Realizing how precious I am to God has helped me to see myself from His perspective, which in turn helped change my thoughts about myself.  He has made all the difference in my life!  He IS my purpose!

 Right on, again and more!!!

GOD POWER!  How "ironic" [except not really], I just spent last night-not reading about my latest magic fix meal plan [although I do still obsess too much with thinking about what I'm going to eat next and getting excited about eating for ME right now-hopefully just a symptom of having been starving cuz I definitely can't wait for a life beyond food!],
but writing verses in my journal and kind of praying [I'm bad at that, but I was talking to Him!].

God gave us life, the devil will do anything to destroy it--but with supernatural power, once we make the choice all things are possible!  And we have no idea what His plans are for us! [here I think I have dreams]

"For assuredly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, be removed and cast into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes...he will have what he says." -Mark 11:23

Yes, the 'food obsession' really is a starvation symptom, and the only way to get rid of it is to consume full nutrition and nourish your body!  It does take time for the obsessions to decrease, but they will!

And I used to think the same thing, that I was 'bad at' praying, but now I realize that's utterly impossible!  No one can be bad at prayer; praying is just what you said--talking to HIM!  People that think prayer has to be some big formal affair with deep, meaningful words are taking part in what I call "ritualistic religion".  I don't want a religion, I want a relationship!

I just talk to God like I would anyone else standing beside me (because He's always there!).  And you know what?  He loves it:)  He's absolutely tickled that I think to include Him in ever part of my day.  When our prayers just consist of 'our fathers' and 'bless so-and-so', you think God is pleased?  Of course not, because that's not what we're really feeling and He knows it!  He can see right to the heart of us!  He knows what we're going through and He wants us to talk to Him about it, to let Him be a part of it!  He wants to comfort us and lead us, but how can He when we're only maintaining a false, 'surface' relationship with Him?

God isn't playing hide-and-seek with us.  He spends every day waiting for us to speak to Him, to acknowledge Him.  He's already there waiting!  So when we turn to Him, we don't have to hope that we'll find Him; we can know that He will be there!  It's so amazing to know that when I seek His face, He will show me His truth!  "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free!"

Original Post by bluidechic:

So here are my questions:

1:  How many calories do I need to gain? 

2.  What should my caloric rate of increase be?  (How often should I up them and how many at a time?)

3.  How would you recommend breaking up the calories through the day? (meals, snacks)

I'd also recommend you seek professional support as you get started.  If you've actively decided to change for the better then there's no such thing as too much help.... and you'll get a lot more out of it than you've ever done in the past.  To answer your questions...

1 & 2   How many...  There are issues surrounding refeeding  which is another good reason to seek medical support.   From your current base of 1000 aim for 1500 as soon as possible since that is the bare minimum for someone your age. You could go for 2000 two or three days later and a steady 2500 within a week or two.  You may find you start gaining on 1500 but don't let it throw you too much.  You may find you need to increase past 2500 if your weight-gain slows but cross that bridge when you come to it

3. How to structure the day.   In a nutshell, start early and eat 'little and often'.  Starting early means you have enough time in the day.  Eating little and often means you're not sitting down to very large meals (which you're not used to) and it gives your digestion chance to keep pace

I should add that your choice of food can make things easier.  Energy-dense foods are a good choice because you can get a lot of calories from a relatively small amount.   And if your food has plenty of good nutrition this will help your body repair...  Try to incorporate all kinds of foods.  In your situation chocolate, is as valuable a food as peanut butter.

And do make sure you're getting plenty of fluids.  When starting to eat more keeping the digestion running smoothly is vital if you want to avoid hazards like constipation, bloating and so forth.

Good luck.

refeeding  which is another good reason to seek medical support.   From your current base of 1000 aim for 1500 as soon as possible since that is the bare minimum for someone your age. You could go for 2000 two or three days later and a steady 2500 within a week or two.  You may find you start gaining on 1500 but don't let it throw you too much.  You may find you need to increase past 2500 if your weight-gain slows but cross that bridge when you come to it

 I know this isn't my question, but  just curious-do you think it was a bad idea for me to jump 1500 calories in one day?  I had already been eating over 2000.  I thought that considering I had lost approximately 2lbs/week for two weeks, turning things around meant enough to overcome the weight loss amount + the extra to get me gaining since I'm determined, now, to stop toying with it and DO it.  Was my simplistic thinking too naiive?

gi-jane: Thanks for the great advice!  Seriously, you have a lot of wisdom and always post such helpful responses!  (Although, this would have been even more helpful two months ago, when I originally posted, lol.  But I muddled my way through okay:P  I'm less than two pounds away from my goal weight!)

lilmissgutz: Your thinking is not naiive at all, you've got the recovery mindset!  I'm fairly certain that if you were already up to 2000 cals, a big jump from there wouldn't be dangerous.  If you do experience symptoms though, definitely seek medical attention.  I love the fact that you just decided to go for it, you go girl!

Original Post by bluidechic:

gi-jane: Thanks for the great advice!  Seriously, you have a lot of wisdom and always post such helpful responses!  (Although, this would have been even more helpful two months ago, when I originally posted, lol.  But I muddled my way through okay:P  I'm less than two pounds away from my goal weight!)

lilmissgutz: Your thinking is not naiive at all, you've got the recovery mindset!  I'm fairly certain that if you were already up to 2000 cals, a big jump from there wouldn't be dangerous.  If you do experience symptoms though, definitely seek medical attention.  I love the fact that you just decided to go for it, you go girl!

 Yeah once we know what we want we'll figure out how to get there!
I think you're right about me being "ok" to make a big jump-I had to do it mentally because if I tell myself to "take steps" subconscoiusly I'm kind of staying in the mentality that I "could lose here" =how low can I get or staying in that kind of safe. So deciding I want something new means making it happen!

However- I didrealize in day 2 that my big problem with extremes is a rebound.  I get very all-or-nothing and while I would never settle for less than my best, hte important thing is that I get there.  So I'm setting my goals based on wher eI want to be physically + the mentality of how I get there.  Hence I figure I'll start at 25-3000, but "really" being 27-3000 Because I'm going for a 2500 base + "possible extras" and miscellaneous.  That gives me the additional calories + making sure I'm counting "real eating" and not feeding a pointless obsession!

I know this was bluid's post, but I'll take any advice and feedback on how I'm doing this too! ;-)

Bluidechic,

Wow.  I am so glad I opened this thread.  I have been doing the exact same thing, sitting on that darn fence!  I've been obsessing to make sure I don't go over 1200 calories (1500 on days when I work out) and freaking out at the end of each day because this is the highest amount of calories I've allowed myself in months.

But you know what?  Your post inspired me.  All I need to know now is how many calories I need to gain weight at a pace slow enough where I won't panic and fall back under Ana's spell.  Does anyone have any ideas?  I am SICK AND TIRED of being too afraid to open my parachute and jump!

lilmissgutz: Well I know I've already said it, but I think you're right on track:)  I ate about the same calorie level (2500-3000) and it seemed to work well.  But remember, there is NO upper limit in gaining!  So if on a certain day you are already at your calorie goal but want more, GO FOR IT!  Because if you don't, you're only feeding Ed thoughts, which leads to more obsession, etc. = ick.  You're teaching yourself to have freedom with food!

hphphp: Seriously, the thought that "if I gain to fast, that will lead me back to Ed" if not true.  I used to think the same thing!  But now I realize that it is only another one of Ed's lies to trap me into staying with him.  The ONLY way you can ever be free from the obsessions is to get to a HEALTHY weight!  Literally, because that is when your brain will begin to function fully again, which will help the distorted persceptions.

The sooner you get to a healthy weight, the sooner you can stop worrying about food all the time.  You'll be able to eat whatever you want and just maintain!  It will be awesome!  Why put it off?  Get it 'over' with and then live your life!

The recommended amount for gaining is a minimum of 2500.  While it is true that you could possibly gain on a lower amount AT FIRST, you would eventually need to increase.  (You may still need to increase from 2500 at some point, too)  But even if you gained a small amount of weight on lower cals, your body and internal organs, etc., wouldn't have the calories they need to heal.  And the way to get your metabolism speeded up again is to heal your organs so your chemical functions run faster/ more smoothly!  So get up to 2500 asap!

You can do it!  Make the jump!