ED still in my house!!!

i need to vent my frustrations and seek advice about my 13 year-old sister. i am the one with an eating disorder, not her, i am the one that is underweight, not her, and yet she is the one who is acting anorexic! i still have problems with food, but i've been consistently gaining and eating for over six months. i have kicked the ED out of my life, but it's still here in my house and i have to live with it!

every day my sister, who has been overweight almost all her life, eats basically nothing. no breakfast, usually no lunch (ice burg lettuce if she wants something), no snacks, and dinner is one of the following: a slice of tomato, watermelon, cucumber, or more lettuce, if she has dinner. also she has recently taken to making meringue: one egg white, a splenda, and vanilla. this will make about a dozen tiny cookies which will serve as her meals throughout the day, maybe two. her two favorite foods growing up were always black olives and ranch dressing. she stopped liking ranch a while back, only fat free, then she stopped using that, too. and no olives. nothing. on the rare occasion that everyone in the family is able to sit down to eat together, she feeds her food to the dog, goes back to get "more" multiple times but puts portions back, and talks a lot to avoid eating. her friends also do that. when they get together they don't eat all day, and suddenly they're into exercise. they might eat nori (the seaweed part of sushi) and my mom thinks their "asian phase" is cute. the worst part about all of it is that my parents support it, and that i can't do anything about it. when i try to talk to my sister she denies it or gets mad, and always tells my mom that i'm "trying to control her food" which just gets me in trouble because that's an ED behavior. (i get blamed for other things, too, like the egg yolks in the fridge even though i didn't separate them out.) i can't talk to my parents about it because they think i need to just focus on myself (true) and that looking at her food will just strengthen my ED (also true, but i live with her!!!). they think she eats a lot, but she just makes stuff and gives it away, or more often throws it away. and everyone is sooo pleased by her weight loss because now she's at a "healthy weight," and i know it just encourages her to do it more.

i keep eating. this recovery is about me, i'm not comparing myself to anyone else. but how do i keep living with this in my house, and how, if it's even possible, can i help her?!

Oh dear I really sympathise with you. I know how hard it is to keep trying to gain and stick to your plan whenever someone in the house is dieting and cutting back. My sister goes on little notions of dieting and exericse and it really triggers me at times. So I really feel for you, your doing really well to keep going and sticking with your meal plan.

I dont really know what to say about your sister though, is there any way you could try and point out these things to your parents a bit more so that they might realise what shes doing?

Or with your sister herself could you try and talk to her and explain to her how harmful it is to exercise so much wile eating very little and the effect this will have on her body and that it will only make it harder for her to then go back to normal eating again. You could show her maybe some healthier ways to lose weight?

Sorry I couldnt help more

Hi, I know nothing about eating disorders, but I do know that little sisters always look up to their big sisters, even if they fight and pretend to hate each other.  She's seen you lose weight as you said she wanted to do, and then when you kept losing weight she saw you get sick and then probably watched your parents put all their focus and energy into getting you better.  She's probably emulating you because you're her big sister, and her hero, and you managed to lose weight (albeit unhealthily and too much) and get all your parents' attention. 

I think one of the best ways to help her and help yourself is to talk to her about the struggle you went though, how it was so hard and painful, how you wish you could take it all back and be healthy again.  She might need to hear that it was incredibly difficult for you and to have you act as an equal and a friend, not just an older sister.  If you confide in her, she might confide to you about what she's really doing, and why, and you can show her the weakness of her logic.  If it doesn't work then of course you need to talk to a parent or another adult that can help her (do you have a therapist for your ed?).  You know as well as anyone that the longer this goes on the harder it will be for her, and for you to have to see it in the house. 

Good luck and I wish you both a happy and healthy recovery.

double post

Do you have a friend you could talk about it to? 

Honestly, I don't have any advice, 'cause I'm going through something similar with my siblings (though I don't have an ED anymore/need to gain). Just saying you're not alone.

is she losing weight. i had this recently. with my 15 yr old bro. he wasnt trying to lose weight. and God knows' he is skinny enough.... a bmi of maybe 14 (always been v thin - combined with growing vertical b4 filling out). but recently he started suffering depression. and his eating suffered a lot. he felt like normal portions were too much for him and he began to restrict. having maybe 2-3 dessert-spoons of cereal for his breakfast. not snacking between meals and a skeleton-like diet that a dieting 50yr old might eat - not an active, growing 15 yr old.

it frightened the S*iht out of me. i could see him fading away. his habits were not normal but my parents didnt take any notice of my concerns. in fact they told me to back off - that food was my issue. not his. if i tried to bring it up with him, he was defensive and told me to back off. yet he couldnt understand why he was having intense and frequent sugar low's

i eventually sat my mum down and said: right i know i have an eating disorder. i want you to listen to me and just hear me out. after that il make no more comments on *his* food. she did listen. i said about the lanugo. about if she looked carefully she would see he was eating as much as a picky 8 yr old would. his constant hypoglycaemic events. his depression, and lack of love for life. i said "i am going to back away from his food stuff now. but i have suffered an ed.i see the things you dont. i have both life experience but also educational experience- something you cannot back away from"

she did listen and she (her and dad) took control of his eating. filling his cereal bowls. filling his dinner plate and not allowing him to argue. this might not work with your sister, but you can at least pull your parents aside and talk seriously to them about it.

my bro is doing much better.

hey, thanks everybody. <3

really i think i just have to ignore it. i talk with my therapist about my sister... i've talked to my parents and my sister both, and it doesn't do any good no matter how i bring it up. so i know i can't change my sister losing weight, and can only hope that she hasn't developed an eating disorder and has just chosen a very unhealthy way to lose weight, and that it will stop when she feels satisfied. it's just so hard to have to watch but not be able to intervene! but i thank you so much. sometimes i just need to vent in order to keep restoring my own body to health, and you all give really great advice that i will take to heart.

I totally sympathise.

My sister isn't at home alot but when she is its terrible. She eats so much, but has always had bouts of bullimia. So its really hard when we go out as a family she eats so much and everyone sort of looks at me to say "why can't you do that too?" but then she goes and makes herself sick.

the other day we both had pizza and chocolate pudding, it was a big deal for me. but i felt so guilty, even though she ate more pizza. then she goes upsatirs comes back down all watery eyed and eats a huge salad.

its not fair it makes me feel so guilty for eating stuff like that if she feels the need to throw it up!

the rest of my family knows, but because she isnt underweight like me they dont seem to care. then to rub salt in it she is all "i dont understand how people are overweight, i mean look how much i eat and i wuldnt call myself fat."

how can she do this? im a step away from ip!

Although there is nothing that you personally can do to stop your sisters behaviour etc, prehaps your T could talk with your parents about it. Im just seeing so much of myself in your sisters behaviour. My eating disorder started out as a really stupid way of losing weight. Everyone encouraged me becuase i started looking healither (i was considered obese). Even when the ED voice started, people still encouraged me, thought it was great i was losing weight. That just encouraged the ED voice. 

Its been two years now, and im now pretty sick. 

My sister has also recently begun an unhealthy "lifestyle". While we dont live together and im not sure what she is eating, she is exercising obsessively and posting things on facebook about making herself get skinny. She has super low bloodsugar and blood pressure normally and faints easily (this i "normal for her, even at 100% health). Im hoping that becuase she knows that this will happen without adequate food intake, she will continue to eat well while exercising. But like you it has made me really angry, we havnt spoken in a week or so (we normally see each other/speak every day). Im angry becuase she can see what my ED has done to me yet she is choosing to behave in an unhealthy way. So i get where you are coming from.

You are obviously seeing signs of disordered eating in your sister, you are obviously concerned. Wether its a phase or not, it is unhealthy. 

Do you think you could ask your T to speak with your parents about it?

Do you have family therapy sessions that you could bring this up in?