ED is rearing his ugly head up again

I'm half dissapointed and half pleased with my behavior today. I just tallied my calories for the day and it didn't come to more than 400. I'm eating cereal right now so that tacks on another 200 but I know that is still not enough. I know this is not okay and I do not want to prolong the return of any ED behaviors but sometimes when I start feeling this hungry from restricting I can only see the good things about ED. The thing is, I'm sitting across from a huge bag of candy right now so certainly I could bump up my intake with some of that--but I don't feel I could actually eat more and not purge. This is so frustrating! Sometimes I just feel so mad that eating disorders even exist--no one deserves them!

I don't exactly know what I'm looking for right now so I'll take whatever anyone wants to offer.

oh goodness hun...i know you know very well that sub 1200 cals will put your body in starvation mode.  but just look at is as though it is one slip.  I dont encourage you to well binge or anything like that to cram beause this could cause you to purge and that would be worse in my opinion.  And basically i suggest making high cal oatmeal!!! so easy and so good and you wont feel like you eating like what 800 cals?? just make with milk, raisins, nuts, chocochip...hey maybe add some of that candy in there!!! possibilities are endless and just try hard tomarrow to make your cals much higher...we are here for your support

If you find yourself at the end of the day with limited time to fit in extra calories then fats will bump your intake up far better then fibrous foods like cereal!

A large handful, at least 100g of nuts is easy enough to eat and contains about 800 calories; if you truly want to recover then you should look for the highest calorie option, and not eating a huge bowel of low fat cereal with less calories then nuts and fatty foods.

If you don’t like nuts there are plenty of other foods that could give you MORE calories for LESS bulk then even the hugest bowl of cereal!

So you will get more calories, and feel less full then eating a lower calorie option, like cereal and bulky low cal foods!

you can choose to eat or not eat anything you want. dont come on here moaning about only eating 400 cals. YOU are the only one responsible for eating enough or not eating enough. you are also responsible for purging or not purging. if you want to get your cals up eat more. full stop

'Half pleased'....that's when it's dangerous.

To knock it on the head you have to make a conscious effort rather than trusting to chance or hoping for the best.  So plan what you're going to eat tomorrow now.... Literally write it down and pin it up where you can see it.   When you get up in the morning and your piece of paper says you'll be having three eggs scrambled on some toast and butter, washed down with a big glass of orange juice.... that's what you do. 

Starvation affects the brain's ability to think straight.... that's why restricting makes ED behaviour seem rational to the sufferer.   It's a cause-and-effect delusion.   By mapping out your food day on paper you stand a better chance of circumventing your delusional brain.  By feeding yourself - even if it feels artificial -  you'll start to think straight again.

Get someone to help you eat properly, even if it's just for the next two or three days.  Food will snap you out of this episode.... lack of food will make it worse.

It sounds like you need more help and support in real time because you need to make major changes. Are you in op treatment? If not can you because if you keep this up you will end up in the hospital in a crisis situation and I have been there and it is not pleasant. I think you know what you need to do but the ed voice is stopping you. I would say to pre plan your day so that you have it in front of you but I am not sure if you are willing to do what it would say.  You have a choice and I know the ed for me can make it feel like I don't but you do. You can be healthy and the support of professionals can help you get on track.

gi-jane, summer and personal---Thank you so much for your support, I'm already doing much better today. It makes it easier when someone else reminds you about what to do.  I'm not saying it was easy but it never really has been so I'm considering this a small backtrack and then a success.

fidget---How dare you come on a health and support forum and deliberately post something like that. I certainly was not moaning--I was looking for support and guidance, which, thankfully, I did recieve although not from you. If you cannot behave in a manner conducive to helping others than you do not belong at CC.

thank you too abbi--i just saw your reply as well. I actually have gone through a handful of ip and partials and op programs but ended up stopping my therapist appt. because with school and work we couldn't fit into her schedule. However, usually I do pretty well so I was a little taken aback that I didn't the other day--it just seemed to come out of nowhere. I am back on track today so I'm feeling a little more confident again. But you are right sometimes the ED voice does override our true voice so I think I'm going to take the preplanning advice and actually preplan meals for the weekend and make sure i eat some of the time with my bf.

hey sparkle =)

its good to hear that your trying to turn ur eating around and i guess thats the first step to recovering. its tough, but you really do need to try and increase your calories. the others were right in saying that you can think clearer and eat easier once you do put on weight, and i no that the first few days are definately the hardest. the longer you put it off the harder it gets, so id just suggest going for it, and you also dont want to hurt your body by waiting. its great that your bf can support you, but maybe if you were still struggling you could consider going to IP for a while (just to kickstart it, you know?). I dont know if you found it helpful in the past.. we all have our bad days when we struggle more, but one thing i find helpful (especially coz you mentioned thinking about the good things about ED) is thinking of all the reasons why u want to recover, and writing out a list for motivation? anyway good luck, hope everything goes well!

what in the world was wrong w FIDGET's post? u need to eat more, what do u want from posting here?

what was wrong with fidget's post is that this is a health and SUPPORT forum and saying "don't come on here moaning" is not supportive and does nothing to help change someone's behavior ESPECIALLY someone who is in a really bad place at the moment. all it does is add blame. if she chooses to be posting on a support forum then she needs to act accordingly. we also had an off-thread conversation where she implied that her and others are sick of people whining about how little they eat so let me be very clear:

i was not whining. i was feeling frustrated, alone and sad so i chose to come here to post these feelings because there are people who understand and empathize with them unlike in my real-time life. if someone disagrees that i should be posting these feelings then they are free to talk to a moderator and they would do better not responding at all.

i fully understand that it is my choice whether or not i eat and whether or not i purge however i would think other people struggling with eating disorders would understand more that sometimes EDs voice is so strong that he overrides any other voice you might have. instead of implying that i am purposely hurting myself--or worse, just whining and moaning like something trivial is going on--they should be reaching out to remind me and help me remind myself that i can do better. THAT is support.

thank you again to those of you who responded with kind messages and encouraagement, as i said before they truly did help. my experience overall with CC is a very supportive and helpful environment.

i didnt say i was tired of people moaning and whining. but i am tired of triggering posts about ppl eating below a sensible and healthy 1500-1800.

was this post locked? did any moderator ask me to modify my post to make it more supportive?? NO. there was nothing wrong with my post. i said it like it was you need to eat more. you KNOW you need to eat more. this site is laden with people making hard-assed attempts at recovery and so for you to come on moaning about being "powerless" in your situation, provokes serious anger in me. there are ppl on 3500-4000 cal weight gain diets shovelling food into themselves to try and make their lives better. AND YOU COME ON MOANING BECAUSE YOU'VE EATEN 600 MEASELY CALORIES ALL DAY.

yes i do know i need to eat more. that is why i posted my frustrations asking for help. i'm sure in your recovery you were not perfect either. i only meant to point out that i KNOW i needed to eat more that day and i was having hard time doing it so i wanted help. the way you phrased it made it sound like you were saying i should like i was being petty--and i wasnt, i was feeling afraid and out of control. throughout my recovery ive had so many people tell me they don't understand why i think im fat, why i cant just eat and why dont i just 'get better' and i was hoping people on here would understand how hard it is some days to do that because EDs voice can still be SO STRONG telling me that im worthless and ugly and a failure and i dont even deserve to eat. i am trying the hardest i ever have to get well, unfortunately it is not as easy as 'just eating more'. if it was for you then im very happy for you.  i'm very sorry it was so misunderstood and i am also sorry if it was triggering for you because i would never try and do that intentionally. but when you were recovering didnt you ever have days when you felt hopeless and stuck because even though you kenw what you needed to do to get healthy u felt like doing that was wrong? if you never felt that way then you are the exception to the rule. i see now that you were trying to help but your response was so much like my dad's and some of my friends who think my eating disorder is because i dont understand nutrition facts and they dont understand why i cant jsut **** eat like a normal person--in other words, they dont understand a **** thing about how powerful an eating disorder can be and they certainly dont see how hard ive worked to come this far. i dont need that **** here too so maybe i was a little defensive. although just an fyi, your post did not help me to get back on track and eat more but the other posts did so you may want to rethink your tell it like it is strategy.

at any rate i've been considering leaving CC, thinking i've been spending too much time on here and thinking about 'dieting' when i shouldnt be so hopefully that will make you very happy as you will never have to see a 'triggering' post where i admit i need help again.

sparkle, I know where you're coming from.  Very easy to say you need to gain, realise you do and understand why but when it comes to the crunch..

Hun you need help however much you might not want it.  Seeing a nutritionalist, doctor, someone who knows about this stuff.  Sure use CC for support if you wish but only you can shut out the ED and once it's gone, life will be sooo much better.  Just remember, you need to gain and this should be kinda fun!!  Try picking your most grossly thin part.  Whenever I feel like ED is creeping in, I just think about my disgusting bone petruding shoulders and how I want to feel comfortable going to town in strappy tops this summer.  Just focus on this and the eating will not be so overwelming.  Concentrate on your 3 meals a day for starters and try going from there. 

I am sorry you are struggling. I think for myself and some of the posts that are struggling the problem is not that they say they are struggling and feeling hopeless but more the I am eating only X or I feel fat at an unreal low weight. To me that is not asking for help. To me asking for help is more I am struggling with eating enough what are some tools that helped others? Or what helps others get out of the depression?You then become a proactive struggler then a whoa as me bragging struggler. Does that make sense?

Ok I am glad you are getting back on track. On the note of quitting T because of being busy. Those things you are busy now with are going to mean little if you are sick with an ed. Health is number 1. I know the struggle of this battle and for me when things are bad and I don't know what  to do because the ed voice is overpowering I look at what is not working and try to change those things

I feel your pain sparkle7c.

Fidget, i know you are annoyed because you can only wish health onto others. I want the exactly same thing here. I, as well am so frustrated with this disease- and although you are completely right, your comments are not taken by the OP (or several others) seriously because of the tone you use. I feel the same way as you do, but i know from experience that displaying your anger won't help anyone at all.Clearly, your heart is in the right place though - we all know the horrors of ED and wish it never existed!

don't you dare disregard and insult fidget... she knows more then you will ever know.

she's been where you've been, and back to reality (a few times I think, right?) she has learned from her troubles, and knows that your irrational train of thought is strictly ED talk.. I know this too. I have also walked in those shoes.

when you starve, there is not enough energy going to your brain to process normal rational thinking and regulate emotions and behaviours, making ED sufferers irritable and dysfunctional. This lack of irrationality makes your brain blow things completely out of porportion, a few extra calories seems like the end of the world. it's not.

you are not getting the sugar coated answers that you want, and now you are upset.. you want people to either relate to you, or justify your decisions. This will NOT help you. You know what you need to do, you know that you need to eat. You just choose not to.

stop letting these thoughts control you and face reality... how much longer do you want to feel alone and helpless? it's ultimately you who decides your fate.

carmen--in fact, i do not want people to justify my decisions of that day. i also do not want to hear that all i need to do is eat. when i hear that the thoughts that come to mind are 'oh my gosh how simple then! why you should spread that thought around and cure the millions of other sufferers! just eat! that IS all it takes to cure an ed! oh and how easy it is too!'---being a sufferer of an ed befoer im sure you know the agony that comes with convincing yourself to do something that is as seemingly simple as eating enough. that day, for whatever reason, i was in such pain over that task. as i stated before i KNOW and was willing to admit that i needed to eat. and that day, knowing that was not enough to make me do it.

perhaps you missed the part where i stated "it tacks on another 200 but i know that is still not enough" and "i know this is not okay and i do not want to prolong the return of any ed behaviors". i thought that made it pretty clear that i was not saying my behaviors were okay and helping me or that i wanted someone to tell me that i was right in not eating.

it's interesting that you and fidget both assume other people have been through more than i have without knowing anything about me.

let me give you a general rundown of my experience with ed.--and keep in mind that even with my history i am well aware that other people have had even worse experiences with me.

third grade--my pediatrician told my mom i had anorexia and that we should fix it by taking away everything (friends, tv, pets) until i ate more.

fourth grade--i move to a new school and have gained weight. teasing and bullying began to make me even more isolated and i began to restrict foods again.

sixth grade--i passed out during gym class from dehydration and malnutrition and upon leaving the hospital begin seeing my doctor biweekly. i gain weight and the stress of it (at the time no one thought to have me see a therapist) makes me binge eat and then starve. this is also the year i start purging by self-induced vomiting.

9th grade--i'm still not "thin enough" so i begin exercising as i wake up and before i go to bed on top of it all.

10th grade--im now binging and purging at a minimum of 3 times a day. sometimes i even stay home sick just so i can binge and purge all day and my mom has to get another a doc note so i can pass to the enxt grade ive missed so much.

11th grade--i decide i could really max the weight loss if i didnt eat except for binges/purges! taht year is the year my mom tells me i look the best ive ever looked. its also the year that my boyfriend breaks up with me bc of all the time i cancel with him so i can be alone with my ed behaviors and the year i skip the prom because im "too fat"

12th grade--i black out again at school and the nurse suggests to my mom that i see a nutritionist and therapist for an eating disorder. my mom tells her that i am far too health-conscious to have an eating disorder. my dad grounded me for a month because i'm 'being ridiculous and should just friggin eat already'

1st year of college--i move in with my aunt who convinces me i have bulimia and need help. she gets me a doctor and a therapist and a nutritionist. i try my hardest to do what they say but can't seem to do it. this year is the first year i attempt suicide.

2nd year of college--parents insist i move home. for some reason i listen. i quit therapy. second suicide attempt--which happens after i try to eat pizza with my family and end up binging on it, right in front of them

3rd year--my therapist recommends a psychiatrist who recommends an Inpatient center. i start getting better under 24 hour care. and can move to partial day. still getting better, happier than ever, healthier than ever

4th year--having put off school for a year i go back part time and am feeling good--recovery oriented.

now---ive been through 2 more rounds of IOP->partial-> outpatient->just therapy/nutrition. im not all that unhealthy...i manage work and school and most of the time follow my meal plan without support from my parents or friends. i have a wonderful boyfriend who helps when he's not away. and sometimes i stumble and ed gets to me. so i try my best to reach out for help where i can and get back on track as quick as possible. although i dont see a therapist right now because my work sched. interfered with hers im looking for a new one, i see a nutritionist every two weeks and check in withmy pcp every month.

so to anyone who thinks i should "just start eating" or to anyone who thinks i don't understand the hellish reality of illness and recovery and what it takes to get better **** YOU

what do you want from this board? this site. this site is about food. how to do food healthily. you came on posting that you had done food unhealthily that day. doing food unhealthily is contagious and at epidemic proportions among you women in particular.

this site is about food. NOT eating disorders. Food. this is not a support site for the days your ED rears its head. this site is about food. you are not going to get positive feedback when you talk about eating concentration-camp level calories.

eating is not the solution to the mental anguish suffered in eating disorders. eating is not the cause of it either. something  drives an eating disorder. pain, abuse, neglect, whatever. the point is you need to eat. if you want to free yourself you need to eat. whether you feel sad, happy, hi, lo, you need  to separate food from feelings. so yes it is as simple as eating  - that part. the rest is done in therapy

Original Post by fidget84:

what do you want from this board? this site. this site is about food. how to do food healthily. you came on posting that you had done food unhealthily that day. doing food unhealthily is contagious and at epidemic proportions among you women in particular.

this site is about food. NOT eating disorders. Food. this is not a support site for the days your ED rears its head. this site is about food. you are not going to get positive feedback when you talk about eating concentration-camp level calories.

eating is not the solution to the mental anguish suffered in eating disorders. eating is not the cause of it either. something  drives an eating disorder. pain, abuse, neglect, whatever. the point is you need to eat. if you want to free yourself you need to eat. whether you feel sad, happy, hi, lo, you need  to separate food from feelings. so yes it is as simple as eating  - that part. the rest is done in therapy

you need to sort out some therapy for yourself. and just because you dont like an answer some one gives you on a public forum does not give you the right to tell them **** off.

this is also a health and support forum. a malnourished body is a malnourished mind, and there has to be a bit of tolerance for these kinds of responses. i do, however, agree with that you are saying. websites like this aren't a substitute for engaging with therapy.

sparkle - I cannot say this without it coming off as offensive, because of where your head is at right now. The profanity that is "starred out" is not appreciated by anyone. No one wants to read that, regardless of who you direct it toward, and no one here deserves to be talked to in that way.

Some insight - I have been ill over half my life and only in the past year have started to get my barrings. I have been everywhere from 60lbs to 125lbs, and have been in IP 6 times, so PLEASE LISTEN to what I have to say!

The half hour to hour you spent typing the anecdotal post would have been better spent looking into treatment facilities and contacting a psychologist and psychiatrist.

Clearly you need a lot more "support" than can be found on a website. Personally, I think that leaving here is a good idea for you. You are triggering others (like fidget), and while I realize it is not on purpose and you are reaching out, the help you need is not going to come from a website that simply logs calories (in fact, it can perpetuate your illness, at this stage).

Stop coming online and writing posts that are geared toward defending your position. We understand that you need help. Others have already suggested looking into OP or IP. You obviously understand how serious your situation is, since you have listed off every detail about the past 10-15ish years of your history.

Do yourself a favor, print that off and SHOW IT to a therapist so that you can get some serious intervention and full time, in person, support!