ED recoverers: post your worst ED memory

Hey everybody, let's get motivated to keep on keepin' on with recovery!

I was just thinking today about how being anorexic for a year has interfered with my life and ruined so many occasions that could have been happy.  For example, I remember one time my family was going out to a buffet that I used to love, to celebrate a big accomplishment for my brother.  They called me at work and asked if I wanted to go.  I begrudgingly agreed to go along, but I was terrified the entire time.  As soon as I walked into the restaurant I practically had a panic attack looking at all the food.  I couldn't enjoy anything, I just got a little salad and a couple spears of steamed broccoli, and watched my family enjoy themselves.  I made my mom come with me to the buffet line to help me get some things I felt I could eat.  I was practically crying while I was with her, and (this is the worst and most embarrassing part of all) I actually had a measuring cup in my purse and I would spoon the items into it before I put them on my plate.  OMG, I was in so deep.  I can't believe I ever let it rule my life like that.  Needless to say I had a terrible time and felt very isolated the entire time.  My family obviously didn't have as much fun as they could have either.

But now I'm determined never to let things like that happen again!  I want to LIVE my life, because it's too short not to enjoy it!  And who knows how much longer my parents will be around?  I need to have FUN while we are all still together and a family.  I could easily have practiced moderation and portion control at that restaurant, but instead I let myself get paralyzed by fear.  Well, not anymore!  I'm recovering just like so many other wonderful people on this site!

So my point is, I thought it would be motivating if we all posted an experience like this, in which your ED kept you from doing something meaningful, fun, or enjoyable.  Then we can kick it on its ass and get on with our lives, living them to the fullest.  Sorry for the long post--what stories do you all have?

hmmm...where shall I start

my 18th birthday - i couldn't even enjoy the freakin' cake

Budapest basketball tournament - I was in a basketball tournament in Budapest Hungary. I was the starting point guard, and i virtually never got subbed out. I played back to back games, which would have been fine, normally. But I had refused to eat anything the night before except for a very very small bowl of soup, and the morning of the tournament I had only eaten an apple and an orange. I basically passed out inbetween games. It was horrible.

and of course, there is the aftermath of having an ED. Now, I have major blood sugar problems (it bounces from 40 to over 300). I have overreactive metabolism, meaning that sometimes it works in overdrive, and sometimes it just forgets to work at all.

What a waste of my time and energy it was to have an ED! Yet, I still am very tempted at times to revert back to old habits, even though I know nothing good would come out of it. WHY?

Original Post by musicismysavior5:

my temp. didn't even register on the thermometer, it was 93 degrees.

Oh my gosh, that's happened to me SO many times.

I'm gonna add some more that I remembered..
Here's one that's STILL affecting me: One day, the day after not having eaten much of anything at all, having walked around a track for 2 hours, and having run for 1, I got the WORST stomach cramps at school. I could barely move, and had to sit in fetal position in the nurse's office to feel an ounce of betterness. My temperature wouldn't read. When I went to the doctor's office later that day, my temp was 87 degrees. And I wasn't even underweight then.. it was just a foreshadow of the dark, lonely coldness [literally & figuratively] that was to come.. not to mention I'm still having stomach problems today.

And I remember these scary, awful experiences I used to have.. I would like, wake up, but my eyes would still be closed, and I could not move or breathe, at all. My arms would seriously feel like 100-pound bricks and it felt like a grand piano was laying on my chest. It would take about 5 minutes of shallow breathing before I actually fully woke up. I never knew why this happened, but I guess it's a form of sleep apnia that some people with eating disorders experience. Ugh, that happened to me like 5 horrible times.

oh, i remembered another one...

my mom put me into therapy, and during my first appointment the therapist asked me "do you know why you are here?"

i said, "umm not really, my mom made me go."

then she said, "well i don't know why exactly you are here, BUT i have an idea..."

"why do you think I am here?" I asked...

she replied, "because you are anorexic"

jeeze just that word and the negativity that is associated with it just hit home hard. I just froze, teary eyed... and the longer we talked the more and more I would cry... I don't even understand it, like we weren't even talking about the ED some times but I would cry anyways because the realization of just being labelled like that... wow.

...

and this summer when I was with my then-bf, I had a guy that I graduated with come up to me drunk at a party one night and ask "are you anor... wait no, what's the other word?, oh um yes, are you bulemic??"

"what! no!" (i was never bulemic, but he assumed I was)

but I just couldn't stop thinking about how he actually got it right the first try when he mentioned 'ana'... but my god, he said this right in front of me and my boyfriend... oh the uncomfortableness of that all.

I was a binge eater/bulimic. Mentally, I guess I still am, but I can control myself now.

What made me get help to take my life back is the Easter my daughter was 3, and I ate ALL her Easter candy. Then purged. Then I sat in the bathroom crying because I had just stolen my child's candy. Then SHE started crying because Mommy was sitting on the floor crying and she didn't know why. Then my son started to cry, because he was a baby, and babies cry....whenever.

I called the doctor that day. And then went to Wal-Mart and bought her Easter treats that weren't candy.

My daughter is 8 now, and I am so thankful she doesn't remember any of it.

Well one thing I have realised is, having an eating disorder is like being an addict. You NEVER fully recover. The demons are always there, but it's whether you listen to them or not is the key, but once you start, it is a slippery slope.

My worst memory was about 3 years ago. I had lost weight and everyone kept telling me how well I looked, but I certainly did not feel that inside. The binging was out of control as my body craved calories, and then I did not want to let people down, because for me it was about social acceptance. I was surrounded by judgemental people who mocked the over weight. How lucky they were to be able to eat what the heck they like and never put on an ounce. Not me, as soon as I had my first child, I had fought with my weight. Mental abuse from my mother did not help either.

Anyway, the one day I binged and binged on everything I could get my hands on. I dread to think how many calories, but it was all high fat sticky stodge. It's ok I thought, I can get rid no problem, but it was a problem because I almost choked to death. I had food lodged in my throat and I thought I was going to die. That scared the living daylights out of me.

After that, I evaluated my life. These people were not my "friends" and I was not going to risk my life, taking mummy away from my children for the sake of social acceptance. One rather skinny friend in particular, after she took the mick out of someone, I let rip on her and told her what I thought. Well she was not a happy bunny, and she told me to naff off (polite version) and never contact her again.

By this stage my own mother had already disowned me, which in a way was relief because I did not have to listen to her calling me fat either.

So I have spent the past 3 years soul searching and learning to love myself again which has been healing for me. OK, I managed to put on 5 stone in weight, but I would rather that than be sick again. I knew I could not even contemplate attempting to lose weight until I knew I was strong enough to resist the purging. So far so good, but I have a VERY long way to go, and I just pray I can keep those demons away.

If anyone reads this who is at the beginning of this slippery slope think long and hard about it. No weight loss is worth the risk of loss of life. Stop trying to lose weight and wait for the right time, when you are stronger.

There have been several moments that make me really sad to remember. One in particular was when my family went to an Apple Festivle. I had spent a long time researching restaurants and menus to find a place it was "safe" to eat at. I picked the place and what I was going to order but because of the festival they had a limited menu that day and my choice wasn't on it. I went in to hysterics and pouted like a child and refused to eat anything. My daughter said "Mommy, maybe they have salad you can have" and even asked the waitress why they didn't have anything diet for me. She even gave me the grapes off her plate and begged me to at least eat those. She is only 5. Wow. Another was when my son's playgroup had a cookie exchange. Over the course of the day I ate 30 cookies along with much, much more. I spent the night desperately trying to make myself vomit. My kids were outside the door asking if I was okay and wondering why I was sick. Seeing their faces when I imerged from the bathroom so full of concern and scared for me - makes me want to cry to remember.

besides the several times both of my parents threatened me with a psychiatrist, there was this day when I had eaten for lunch a stalk of broccoli and lettuce (my parents weren't home) because there was no tuna ("safe" food), there was only chicken. Well, when my mom came home the housekeeper told her what I'd done and we got into a HUGE fight about it. I ended up having to eat a small chicken leg right in front of her (I sat there nibbling th meat for about an hour) to be allowed to go to my room, and cursing under my breath the housekeeper.

and of course it was also bad to be so cold my fingernails looked painted blue, the headaches, the dizzyness, bloating after eating anything, the arrythmia and thinking constantly if I was going to pass out with any kind of physical activity (even walking upstairs). It didn't help either to be told constantly that I had to lose weight, or that it was a matter of "willpower"...wich I'm still told every day. and they wonder why >_<

I have 3 horrible memories that remind me of how depresed I was when I was consumed with my weight..

#1) It was my friends birthday party, and we had it at my house. So we made boobie tassle cakes lol (set 2 cakes beside eachother and used coloured icing for tassles) Well the day after we were going to my cousin's school play. Right before I was in my room eating a piece of the left over cake. I freaked out so bad afterwards I started bawling, took apart a disposable razor, and carved "I HATE YOU!" Into my left leg. I'm not a cutter.. so this was wierd for me. The bleeding went on for a couple minutes, and then I pulled myself together and left with my family. I sat threw my cousin's play thinking about how discusting I was and trying to stop the stinging in my leg, and trying to hold back the tears of dissapointment in myself.

#2)During the phase when I was gaining weight, I was waiting at the bus terminal one day after school and decided to get a puffed wheat square from the vending machine. After getting about half way threw, I realized that I wasn't even hungry, and I had just eaten 200calories. I threw the rest in the garbage and got onto the bus. There I sat, trying not to make a scene, and began to fill myself with thoughts of self loathing and hatred. How could you have eaten that you fat ass, you are so discusting etc. As soon as I got off the bus I started bawling. It took me about 10 minutes to walk 3 blocks to my house. when I got inside I went to the mirror and started screaming at myself. I pulled on my skin and called myself names and was screaming as loud as I could.. Then I went to my room and sat alone until my mom got home. When she got there I had been crying strait for about 2 hours, she had to give me a mild sedative to help me relax. After that kicked in I sat on the couch, and fell asleep.

 

#3) And lastly the laxatives.. I used to take so many laxatives that I would have sweats, dizzyness, eratic heartbeat, sometimes It would make me puke and sometimes I thought I was going to die. And it's sick to say but I liked that feeling.. i craved it.

 

This didn't happen to me, but while I was sick I stressed by brother out so much that he had a panic attack at work. He said  that he felt like he was going to die, and that his chest was caving in and he felt  a huge sense of doom like the world was about to end. He and my mom, my grandparents, my dad were all worried about me. I would here my grandpa sitting in the kitchen telling my mom "make her eat something!"  I also lost alot of my friends, which I'm glad I've made back after isolating them. I  never want that to happen again. The strange thing is sometimes I wish I could just be back there for a moment, like  darky1972 said, it's kind of like an addiction. I don't get that high of starvation anymore... but my life is much better now.

oh and I forgot one more thing.. Being an honour student all my life went down the drain, I still got the grades but only had enough time and energy to do one course, bio30, in my last semester. and at that I only went about 3X a week. And what do you know, right before grad I gained about 40lbs from binging, and had to by a new dress (My first one was so much prettier and a size 4) Because I was so bloated from the fast weight gain, I was wearing a size 13 at 135lbs to my grad.

hmmm...I don't think I have any truly terrible memories from ED that stand out, but like everyone else I remember being so cold all the time, my hair constantly falling out, the flaking skin, fainting, the headaches, lack of energy, completely isolating myself from friends & family, the depression, and self-hatred towards my own body.  Not to mention, working out for hours even though I was exhausted (I prefered compulsive exercise to purging--couldn't stand barfing, yuck!).  I remember fidgeting a lot too...apparently people who fidget a lot burn more calories than people who don't, so I would do that all the time in the hopes to burn excess calories. 

Oh, I do remember the day when I started to realize I had a problem--I was living on eating half a container of yogurt per day and remember looking in the mirror and thinking to myself that if only I could lose 10 more pounds, then I would be able to fit into a size 0 jeans.  That shook me up enough that I was able to gain a little bit of weight, but it caused me to feel so bloated & fat that I increased my exercise and thus, began my years of compulsive exercising.  Oh, the loveliness of an eating disorder, right? 

hmmm...I also remember crying a lot when I was going through recovery.  I guess it was because I had repressed my emotions when I had the eating disorder and when I was finally free to feel again, I was completely overwhelmed.  Went through a lot of tissue boxes and embarrassing moments where I had to cry in the bathroom at work, but I got through it.  Did that happen to anyone else when they were going through recovery?  The overwhelming flood of emotions that made you cry your heart out when you started to allow yourself to heal?  Just curious

Did that happen to anyone else when they were going through recovery?  The overwhelming flood of emotions that made you cry your heart out when you started to allow yourself to heal?  Just curious

-- is THAT what's wrong with me?!?!?!

YES  I DID!! For me the tears were a combination of relief and failure. Relief in that I had permission not to be sick because I had given up trying to lose weight, and failure that I felt weak that I could not lose weight and not be sick. My behaviour was bizzare. I gave away all my smaller sized clothes and bought new bigger clothes. It was like an acceptance that I was not going to lose weight. Every full fat stodgy food that passed my lips was like a triumph against the ED, I realise now it wasn't a triumph, I shifted from being a bulimic to a binger without the purging. The recovery for me has taken 3 years. 3 years of soul searching and gathering the strength to beat this!

That DEFINITELY happened to me! The emotional part, that is. I used to think I was just a moody wreck, but it's true: once you start letting yourself feel things again, suddenly you're feeling a LOT of things all at once and it's rough. My emotions are still a rollercoaster: I'll be at the top of the world one minute, then an hour later I want to die. It's frustrating, but in a way, I almost think I prefer this constant up-down to the blank anhedonia of my ED days. It's like I've given myself permission to live again. And that's an awesome feeling.

I think part of the 'released emotions' has to do with your body's hormones waking up. During starvation, your body uses the few calories you eat to necessary functions like muscles and your brain, and hormones pretty much go to sleep. When your body gets more calories when you start feeding it again, it has enough to spare to start producing and releasing hormones regularly again.

So during your ED, your hormones are dead. When you start recovering, your hormones go nuts. :) Think of like PMS x 100.

Also, I remember driving home from a late shift at work. At work we had a 'cleaning day' so we were moving around a lot. Anyway, I almost fainted at the wheel. Luckily I was able to shake it off and pull over into a nearby parking lot. I just started bawling when I stopped feeling queasy. That was one of the scariest moments of my life...

ohh goodness. one time i was throwing up into gallon size ziploc bags in the shower, and i set one outside the shower, zipped up, anyways it opened up and spilled everywhere. all over the rugs and carpet. omg. so i had to scoop it up with my hands and clean it all up and my parents were home and it was really suspicious and that was def rock bottom =(

The worst memories for me are just the pain I would feel in my throat from the stomach acid ripping it apart. 

One day I had binged with the intention of throwing it all up, brownies, cookies, peanut butter cups, chocolate, milk shake, everything I could find that was sweet and succulent.  It was so much to throw up that I was at it for half an hour.  That night I woke up sweating and shaking, crying because my head was splitting open from the pain and my throat was numb.  I didn't know what to do.  It was four in the morning I was alone and I didn't have any pain medication.  I ended up popping four sleeping pills to knock me out.  I've never had such a horrible headache before in my life. 

I felt like food didn't taste as good anymore or as rich and really felt like I was melting away my taste buds with stomach acid.  It was horrible.

The lingering numbness in your throat after a binge for the following days is the worst thing I think I've ever experienced. 

 

You don't have time for life when your anorexic.

Anorexia is your only friend. =[

waking up multiple times in the middle of the night because i can't fall asleep for good: my body is to starved.

being too boney to sit or lie down comfortably.

having trouble with intimacy- feeling disgusting when my boyfriend touches me.

fights. yelling. physical violence.

my freshman year. i missed it all.

There's been a million, but one of the ones that stands out to me:

Once I was on one of my famous "sugar-free jello and diet coke" fasts where I would allow myself one sugar-free jello with splenda on it everyday. One day I was eating my daily jello and when it was gone I was so hungry that I just started spooning the splenda into my mouth by the spoonful. I think I ate half the box...