ED recoverers: post your worst ED memory

Hey everybody, let's get motivated to keep on keepin' on with recovery!

I was just thinking today about how being anorexic for a year has interfered with my life and ruined so many occasions that could have been happy.  For example, I remember one time my family was going out to a buffet that I used to love, to celebrate a big accomplishment for my brother.  They called me at work and asked if I wanted to go.  I begrudgingly agreed to go along, but I was terrified the entire time.  As soon as I walked into the restaurant I practically had a panic attack looking at all the food.  I couldn't enjoy anything, I just got a little salad and a couple spears of steamed broccoli, and watched my family enjoy themselves.  I made my mom come with me to the buffet line to help me get some things I felt I could eat.  I was practically crying while I was with her, and (this is the worst and most embarrassing part of all) I actually had a measuring cup in my purse and I would spoon the items into it before I put them on my plate.  OMG, I was in so deep.  I can't believe I ever let it rule my life like that.  Needless to say I had a terrible time and felt very isolated the entire time.  My family obviously didn't have as much fun as they could have either.

But now I'm determined never to let things like that happen again!  I want to LIVE my life, because it's too short not to enjoy it!  And who knows how much longer my parents will be around?  I need to have FUN while we are all still together and a family.  I could easily have practiced moderation and portion control at that restaurant, but instead I let myself get paralyzed by fear.  Well, not anymore!  I'm recovering just like so many other wonderful people on this site!

So my point is, I thought it would be motivating if we all posted an experience like this, in which your ED kept you from doing something meaningful, fun, or enjoyable.  Then we can kick it on its ass and get on with our lives, living them to the fullest.  Sorry for the long post--what stories do you all have?

one day I bought a 12 pack box of protein bars from costco...

that night I sat in my closet and chewed and spat the entire box, I couldn't control it... I spat every last protein bar into a plastic shopping bag and than threw it into my bedroom garbage bin... well, that very same night my dad was taking out our garbages and guess what he found? yep, that's right a big disgusting bag of slimy, brown, gunk... try explaining that one. :(

absolutely mortifying... and from then on my dad always searches my garbages and room and always suspects me of 'something'... its horrible.

guys... these posts are making me so sad.... =(

Food wrapped in toilet paper hidden so i could get rid of it guess who found it? Yup my Mom. =(

One night i had a total mental breakdown and i went crazy my parents we're on the verge of phoning the hospital. I somehow convinced them not to and secretly drank half a bottle of vodka that was sitting in my bag, and fell asleep =(

This one time i was on a fast it had been 4 days and id eaten nothing, My Mom bought me a dish of peas up and all i could think about was calories. I was scared of eating peas and she only brought me peas because she knew i wouldnt eat anything more. This saddens me to this day.

Sometimes my Mom eats "My" foods like I dont know how to explain it but i hate her eating simlar stuff to me incase she gets trapped in this eating disorder world also. I dont think she quite understands but it scares the hell out of me knowing i could inflict anorexia on someone else.

after i graduated college i only had a part time science job lined up and i was freaking out about what i was going to do with my life.  i started focusing on my weight and how much i always hated my stomach.  i worked three jobs that summer, two a day, and i had an hour to work out at the gym on the elliptical in between the jobs.  for dinner i ate an apple and an orange while i was working as a cashier.  i relied heavily on diet pills - mostly trim spa to numb the feeling of hunger.  soon enough i lacked the bouncy energy that i always have.  it was an effort to walk up the stairs at my science internship.  out of breath...i'd concentrate on moving one leg at a time...it was horrible.  often donuts or bagels would be brought in and i'd be starving but tried my best to avoid them.  once i ate a boston creme donut....it was still early so no one was really in the building yet...and i tried to purge it up in a stall in a bathroom that was located in an empty part of the building.  really risky.  i wasn't good at purging and i hate throwing up so i never really got much of it up which horrified me at the time.  the worst of the disorder lasted for over a year.  i lost alot of my hair which upset me and was cold all the time.  i lacked energy.  i was 114 when i started the 'diet' in the spring of 2005 and got down to 96 lbs as my low weight in November 2006.  my parents never confronted me about it, even though i still lived at home.  it was my boyfriend's parents who started saying things to me.  i spent the weekends at his house.  looking back i'm embarrased that they knew, but it was their encouragement along with Mike's that helped me escape from that dark hole.  i was incredibly depressed during that time period.   I still worry about my weight and appearance way too much, but im unable to starve myself as i did before.  and although i don't buy junk food at all, i've been overeating and eating when i'm already full, so i'm still working out my issues with food. 

perhaps my worst memories were the times when i felt faint.  one saturday morning, i got out of bed and stood up and almost fainted.  i felt so weak and sick.  it didn't go away but I had to go jogging.  i forced myself out, so scared that i was going to pass out along the way and hit my head.  luckily...i didn't pass out on the way, but i had to stop and walk alot of the route. 

mine was when i went onto youtube and looked at the videos of what people with eating disorders said about it. i realised that it was me and i got so scared and couldnt control myself. i looked into the mirrow for the first time and for the first time i realised how skinny i looked. i felt sick and discusting. was the most terrofiening time of my life. never ever again :/

mine was when i went onto youtube and looked at the videos of what people with eating disorders said about it. i realised that it was me and i got so scared and couldnt control myself. i looked into the mirrow for the first time and for the first time i realised how skinny i looked. i felt sick and discusting. was the most terrofiening time of my life. never ever again :/

Hmm, I have a few.

One of my worst memories was after a second visit with my family doctor, having been told at an earlier appt. that I needed to gain 3lbs that month. Well, instead of gaining, I lost more weight, and was nearing my LW. My memory is a bit foggy, cause I wasen't aware of anything back then, but the appointment ended with me being shipped off for an EKG, my mom crying in the car afraid I was going to die, and me trying to convince her (and everyone around me) that I was being healthy. I was in complete denial. That one moment stands out becauxse I remember just not wanting to be around anymore.

Another one was when I purged a good amount of blood for the first time. I was consistently getting nosebleeds as a result of purging, and had on occasion purged blood, but only trace amounts. Anyways, one day, I purged a lot of blood, and I was really, really scared. I couldn't tell my parents because they didn't know about the purging. I layed awake all night, seriously scared that I had done major damage to myself because of the blood and the severe stomach ache I had all night.

There have also been moments that were very embarressing, like bringing my own food to restaurants or friends houses, and being called on that, or not being able to control my bladder.

There are loads of nasty experiences I can remember with my ED, but ones that stick in my mind are.. baking cookies for no apparent reason during day 5 of a fast, and chewing and spitting the dough into the bin - then hating myself for letting the dough even go past my lips "incase I consumed any of the calories from the dough that got stuck to my teeth!"

I also remember threwing out EVERYTHING that was edible in our house. It was 2am - and after sobbing on the sofa for two hours, I got up chucked all of the the contents of the fridge, and everything in the cupboards into six plastic bin bags! I convinced myself that if there was no food in the house then how could I possibly eat anything? Making sure "there was nothing in the kitchen to tempt me.." Forgetting that both my parents and younger sister still had to eat. They all woke up because they heard the noises coming from the kitchen and didnt know what was going on. When they confronted me I actually DENIED having a problem, and told them they were the crazy ones! Oh god, the fact that I had convinced myself doing that was sane!

The worst one has to be collapsing into the bath head first, and being knocked out for ten minutes, my mum found me and dragged me (shes a small, light woman herself) into her room. When I came round I puked all over my dressing gown .. and even during coming in and out of consiousness, I smiled to myself, secretly thrilled that I had thrown up - and felt proud that I managed to get to the stage where I collapsed. When I was rushed to hospital that night, I was so low in energy and cold that I couldnt move any of my limbs or body. I had to ask my dad to position me when I was uncomfortable ie. turn me over or pick up my legs. I was a dead weight.

And also, I remember going to countless parties but spending every waking moment in the bathroom crying to myself, because I didnt know how to have fun anymore. Getting "dead legs" because of lack of circulation when Im sitting somewhere too long, and bed sores.

All of this just to be thin? I feel so pathetic.

getting ridiculously wasted after 1 1/2 drinks because i hadn't eaten in two days, passing out for 3 hours and missing the new year's eve countdown.

staying up for days at a time from pills and shaking uncontrollably.

drawing a mark on my hand when i fasted so whenever i'd reach to get food i'd see it and stop myself.

not eating any of my 16th birthday cake. chocolate zucchini, made special by my mom because she knew i was so "health-concious". i felt disgusting for not eating it after she went through all the trouble but i knew the self bashing afterwards would be worse.

god, it feels so good to finally have a normal relationship with food.  

 

Gosh I want to cry just reading these! I've had so many experiences like these and they all just seem so ridiculous and unneccesary looking back on them. Crazy thing is that I only wanted to get in shape and be healthy. I'm still dealing with all the anxiety involved with wanting to gain weight but obsessed with doing it the "healthy" way.

I've had all kinds of stomach problems, for months I could barely drink a glass of water without having stomach spasms. My relationship with my parents is still tense but getting better. They still just yell at me a lot because of how skinny I am, and I just get stressed because they're constantly scrutinizing how I'm eating. But they think the solution would just be to eat and never understood that I was in actual physical pain every time I did eat certain things or ate too much. I know my mom is just worried and she has good intentions, but while I"m just grateful that I feel healthy enough to eat regular food now, she's still telling me I need to gain weight faster because I'm going to look bad in a swimsuit once summer starts in a few months.

I remember being freezing all the time, which thankfully has gone away now, and not being able to handle a trip to the grocery store because I didn't have the energy. Being embarrased and frustrated that none of my clothes fit but refusing to buy smaller sizes because as soon as I got healthy again I wouldnt need them...so many bad memories and the feeling of shame at having let myself fall into that. But I'm really glad we have these forums and thank you everyone for sharing your stories! HANG IN THERE!

I've been "lurking" around here for awhile, in the least creeperish sense of the term, and figured this would be a good time to start actually contributing...

I'm in high school, and have had bulimia for a few years, but this summer I stressed and it morphed its little way into restriction and eventual exercise anorexia. I was an exchange student, and between the hunger and the unintelligible language around me, I selfishly left very little time for realizing how my actions were affecting other people.  I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until my host mother asked her brother, who could speak English fairly well, to brave the 1 1/2 hour bus ride across the city to plead with me to eat at dinner...I used to sneak out of their apartment to run laps of the stairs (we lived on the fifth floor), and when I ended up in the hospital there for mild dysentery, they blamed my obnoxiously low heart rate on old equipment, but I spent the rest of the time avoiding the program director, who had an ever-more-clear idea what was going on..

it was lonely.

looking back, I'm so ashamed of the worry I was to them.  

I've been doing the same thing, reading through different eating disorder websites, forums, etc and it's taken me a while to finally figure out that what I've been going through is so scarily similar. I finally decided to post earlier today because it makes me so sad reading these and realizing what I've done to myself. I commend you for posting, just as Im so glad I'm finally contributing to these forums because they truly are really helpful and eye opening to those of us, like myself, who are too afraid, and too ashamed to talk to the people around us about what's going on. At least that's how I feel, I don't think I would be comfortable even talking to a counselor about some of the crazy thoughts that go through my head. So thank you everyone for sharing your stories and advice! And also thank you to those of you actually reading through all the crazy long posts I've managed to make in the last 24 hours, it's such a relief to type this all out!

i used to put water on a food scale and only allow myself 100g at a time because i blamed water for obesity :(

Hm, that would have to be this morning. I had a 9:30 class and, as usual, I showed up at school 15 minutes early just so I could park as far from the building as possible (about a mile) to burn a few extra calories. Well, after 5 minutes of walking I had to stop and sit down--in the middle of the parking lot. My heart felt weird, fluttery, and I couldn't breathe. I was dizzy, and the wind was so strong I thought it would literally knock me over. I told myself I was just being lazy, that I must be out of shape, and forced myself to keep going. Well, I finally got there, but I was 10 minutes late for class because I had to take so many breaks. I could barely push open the door to the building, and as soon as I sat down I just started crying. My heart was still racing, I felt so weak, and I was worried I would pass out in front of everyone. When I could breathe again, I left without saying anything (I think my professor knows I have a problem, so she's been really tolerant) and went to the medical building next door. It was closed. I took a shortcut back to my car, called my friend in tears because I was so scared, and made an appointment with my doctor as soon as I got home.

How sad is that? I can't even walk across campus anymore. Being thin just isn't worth it.

Worst ED memory?  Hmm...that would have to be: this past Saturday, only a few days ago.  I was driving to play a concert about 2 hours away. I was so PO'ed because I had been eating much more than usual for the last two days, and even more frustrated that I STILL wanted to eat.  Of course, I had also been taking laxatives for 2 days straight because of this.  I wanted to binge on all the things I had denied myself lately.  I was in Barnes & Noble right before I left to drive to the concert, and (despite my better judgement) I bought one of those double chocolate cupcakes with buttercream icing that I had been spying for months and had never allowed myself to get one.  The sense of impending doom I felt from eating this one cupcake caused everything to go downhill from there.  I had brought some snacks for the trip (just enough to add up to my preset calorie conditions, aside from the jar of chocolate peanut butter I bought at the grocery store on a whim to "save for later,", for some reason), and immediately began to eat everything I had brought.  At some point, on the road, about 15 min later, I realized that I had already eaten everything, and was now eating the chocolate peanut butter out of the jar WITH MY HAND.  By the time more than half the jar was gone, I was desperate for more food; anything that I had been denying myself.  I was so mad at myself for giving in in the first place that it didn't seem to matter anymore.  Even though my stomach was already distended and uncomfortably full, I pulled over at the next rest stop and bought 2 hot dogs and an ice cream flurry. I could've eaten more after that, but I really was scared about how much my stomach hurt and how distended I was (the pain radiated through my back and I had heard about the possibility of rupturing your stomach during a binge).  I made it to the concert rehearsal, even though I was so disgusted with myself that I really didn't want to be around anyone.  I felt so full and sick the whole time, but when the rehearsal was over, I still went to a restaurant for MORE FOOD.  I'm not sure why I felt compelled to do this, but whatever.  I bought some light Chinese food and attempted to force whatever I could down.  I ate some Chinese appetizer noodles and had some Chinese tea, but even the tea caused so much pain.  I managed a few bitefuls of Moo Goo Gai Pan, and even ordered dessert (of which I had a few bites).  After that, I seriously thought my stomach was going to rupture.  I called my husband from the bathroom stall and told him what I ate.  He told me I should go to a hospital, and also told me that peanut butter can be really hard to digest and that it was probably the main culprit.  I decided not to go to the hospital; I still had to play the concert.  I managed to get through the concert well enough, despite feeling such stomach pain and dizziness/drowsiness.  And, it gets better:  On the way home from the concert, I bought McDonalds; Large value meal complete with ice cream.  Even though I was so scared of rupturing my stomach and knew it was a real possibility, I continued to binge. 

For the next two days, I ate almost nothing and felt very sick.  I slept most of the day on Sunday and took Pepto Bismol to ease the nausea.  My husband still thought I should go to the hospital.  Yesterday, I spent most of the day sleeping with a splitting headache, aside from my forced gym time.  Yes, I'm right back to restricting again/purging, although I didn't use laxatives this time.

I still don't know why I had such a severe reaction after the binge, as far as sleeping all day goes; I suppose it makes sense.  Anyway, I hope that the severity of the binge will knock some sense into me and maybe prevent it from happening again (I could've ended up in the hospital!).  I am seeking treatment for my bulimia, but I find myself very resistant to any sessions because I still want to lose more weight. :( 

Well, my apologies for the long-windedness of this post.

Any thoughts?

I read all the replies and didnt feel like i was able to contribute to this until i read Kereilly's binge story.

For the past year i have seriously started to lose weight and so far i have lost a stone and gained most of it back in muscle. I was doing enough exercise and eating well but then started to eat less and exercise more to the point that i looked tired and ill.

Since then (its been about 5 months) i have been getting worse. At one point i started to eat only 1000-1200 calories while doing 2 -3 hours of intense rowing training. My coach started to worry and i decided i needed to up it to 1400-1500 if i was to continue my secret weight loss plan AND keep progressing in rowing.

I am still doing this but now i have discovered binging. One day i just decided... i am fed up not eating what i want. I am going to eat tonnes of bad food - spending nearly 20 pounds on junk..i stopped at the supermarket and bought a lunch of flapjacks, cookies, doughnuts, sandwcihes, choclate bars (around 7-8), and tonnes and tonnes of ice cream. i remember sitting on the bus home after about 1 hour of buying food and stuffing it in... i was eating a bag of white choco cookies.... just lifting chunks and putting them in my mouth while crying and shaking quietly on the bus.. ready to puke. People were beginning to look as i scecretly took pieces out of a tesco bag. I then got home, ran passed my mum and into my bedroom. I took out a massive tub of cookie dough ben and jerry's ice cream, turned on a show about celebrity bodies and slowly ate all of it while feeling extremely sick and having  stomach  cramps. The guilt began to overwhelm me as i watched these skinny models and hoped one day i would be like that ...

 I hoped that day would be the last but i promised myself i could do it once a month... like that was gonna happen.

I had the next one 2 weeks later... after that i continued to do it every weekend.... and now it happens every 2-3 days.

I have tried purging but i find i am a whimp. I have hidden foods my mum cooks in tissue and spat and chewed on non binge days. My training in rowing is suffering and i really want to break this cycle and lose wieght healthily lke i did at the beginning.

Hearing the other stories makes me realise how much serious it can get and i know i need to get help soon before it ends up being like that. My mind enjoys the pain i go through just because it stops me from feeling like a lazy fat person which s totally stupid.

I want to tell my coach and i want him to help me because he is my fvourite person and i really trust him but i am very embarissed to let nyone know how pathetic i am..

Thank you for starting this thread... its giving me  chance to open up to other people who know what i am going through.. i hope you all get on with enjoying life like i am going to try to do.

I think binging and purging a beautiful box of chocolates my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's was one of the most guilt-ridden experiences I've had- I just felt like such an awful person for doing it as they had been bought for me with love and were now going straight down the toilet.

 Also missing the speech at my god children's christening party due to me throwing up all the buffet food I'd binged on in the toilets, broke my heart.

And having to come up with excuses for spending so long in the toilets after meals where I come up with all kinds of pathetic excuses.

My scariest experience was probably on Halloween when I'd eaten an entire cake along with other bits, and was shaking with the effort of trying to get rid of it all that I nearly passed out and my head hit the sink and I had heart pains.. I collapsed in my bedroom and noone knew I needed help, and I had to stay in that night while everyone went out to celebrate Halloween... I never felt so alone and never hated my ED so much. I wish it would go away and wish I wasn't so damn weak.

Not being able to write in my English class because I couldn't even exert enough force with my right hand. My muscles in my hand were wasting away and I had to take a break every 10 seconds after writing something down.

Not being able to play the violin because I couldn't even press my fingers properly, let alone hold the bow. gosh, that was pathetic. i'm sure though many of you who are athletes have it worse though. i can't imagine what it must be like for you guys who play sports if i can't even hold a vioin bow.

great thread. reminds me of how stupid this ED was.

Oh, Halloween. . . I remember that on the actual day I went out to see Saw IV (or was it III? don't recall) and struggled to stay awake throughout the movie because I hadn't eaten in at least 20 hours. Then we went out for ice cream afterward, and I purged most of it in the bathroom at Friendly's, but it wasn't enough. So then, as soon as I got home, I purged the rest in my own bathroom and went to bed. I lied there and sobbed all night because my friends were out having fun but I wasn't allowed to do the same. My ED wouldn't let me. Then that weekend, my roommates had a party and we all got dressed up and wanted to go out. I had one drink and was wasted, then I went and purged because I had a fun-sized reeses and felt awful about it. Once again, guess who stayed in and logged calories all night instead of having fun? Then the NEXT weekend I went home and my brother had all of his Halloween candy, and I must've b & p-ed at least half of it. . .like 10+ mini candy bars and such. Ugh. Then there was the time I b&p-ed an entire jar of chocolate fudge sauce, the kind that's solid until you heat it up. At one point I remember mixing everything in our cabinet into that jar: cheddar goldfish, dry oatmeal, cereal, cheese-its, dorritos. . . it must've been so gross, but I hadn't eaten in so long that I didn't even notice how disgusting it tasted, it was all about getting it down and back up as fast as humanly possible. When I look back at what I used to do, it horrifies me. How could I, a freakishly organized clean freak who hates the sight of blood and can't stand body odors or gross things stoop to kneeling over a toilet and meticulously scrubbing my own mess off the toilet, walls, and floor afterward? How could I let myself get this low, all in the name of "thin?"

The things our minds will do to us. . .