ED recoverers: post your worst ED memory

Hey everybody, let's get motivated to keep on keepin' on with recovery!

I was just thinking today about how being anorexic for a year has interfered with my life and ruined so many occasions that could have been happy.  For example, I remember one time my family was going out to a buffet that I used to love, to celebrate a big accomplishment for my brother.  They called me at work and asked if I wanted to go.  I begrudgingly agreed to go along, but I was terrified the entire time.  As soon as I walked into the restaurant I practically had a panic attack looking at all the food.  I couldn't enjoy anything, I just got a little salad and a couple spears of steamed broccoli, and watched my family enjoy themselves.  I made my mom come with me to the buffet line to help me get some things I felt I could eat.  I was practically crying while I was with her, and (this is the worst and most embarrassing part of all) I actually had a measuring cup in my purse and I would spoon the items into it before I put them on my plate.  OMG, I was in so deep.  I can't believe I ever let it rule my life like that.  Needless to say I had a terrible time and felt very isolated the entire time.  My family obviously didn't have as much fun as they could have either.

But now I'm determined never to let things like that happen again!  I want to LIVE my life, because it's too short not to enjoy it!  And who knows how much longer my parents will be around?  I need to have FUN while we are all still together and a family.  I could easily have practiced moderation and portion control at that restaurant, but instead I let myself get paralyzed by fear.  Well, not anymore!  I'm recovering just like so many other wonderful people on this site!

So my point is, I thought it would be motivating if we all posted an experience like this, in which your ED kept you from doing something meaningful, fun, or enjoyable.  Then we can kick it on its ass and get on with our lives, living them to the fullest.  Sorry for the long post--what stories do you all have?

getting out of bed in the morning and literally clutching my heart to stop me from falling over, the pains were tremendous.

passing out after a cigarette or a 5 minute walk.

the bed sores and having to take a bath with cushions to stop the bottom hurting my back.

blacking out after all my baths.

being so cold i had to wear likr 40 jumpers.

falling asleeep (really deep sleep) all the time.

the tears, the constant excersize, what i did to my family was horrendus.

not being physically able to straighten my hair, put on make up, get changed, i had to sit all my exams with my pyjammas on under a fleece because i was far too weak to dress myself.

now i still have to measure everything, calculate and recalculate my calories 3-4 times just to check, use particular cutlery and crockery and i dont even feel like i can let myself indulge, or have a treat, or eat past my calorie limit even if im hungry, cant eat out, cant go to parties, cant eat with others, ARGH. :(

and all this in the favour of being thin?
so not worth it....

OH and being on the beach in the summer in my swimsuit, a woman and her children all saw me and walked up to me, touched my arm and burst into tears.

Original Post by salgal80:

 

I had a temp of 103.9 and could hardly move.  I waited to go to the doctor until the next day and found out I had a massive kidney infection.  I finally came out that I might have a problem and she actually told me "A lot of people with your major (journalism) have problems like this" and she made no recommendations to a counselor or even health recommendations.  She gave me some pills and sent me on my way.

she really said that? but why?

wow, i'm still reading all of these.... its making me sad &ive never even had an eating diorder. i truly wish  looking back at these will help you guys...

stay strong.

One day when I was supposed to be studying for an important final I cracked under pressure and had a massive binge.  It started out with pretzels then once the bag was gone my sweet tooth kicked in so I left my books in a trance-like state to buy binge food.  I binged for almost two hours straight instead of studying. I was so sick, yet I was having trouble purging so there went some more time down the drain.  I kept trying to study, but all i could think of was how bad I wanted food, so once agian I left my books to get more binge food.  By then end of my second binge-purge I was SO sick and disgusted with myself that I just curled up in bad a cried all night.  The next morning I tried to get some studying in, but I was so sick and my throat hurt so bad from purging that I couldn't concentrate.  Needless to say I bombed the final all because I was too busy binging to study.  Not to mention spent about $40.00 in binge food and ate about 7,000 calories that night. 

all of this sounds so familiar : (

I think one of the worst things I can remember from being sick would be that my bestfriend at the time would take turns PURGING on her back porch, (it was all gravel not like a deck). She had a slight bulimia issue. We would discuss tricks of the trade and how to purge freehand. It was just so sick, bonding over that stuff.

Hm... What else......... Mindlessly reading livejournal anorexia posts for HOURS at a time....... Not eating for 2 weeks at a time. Purging EVERYTHING that went into my body, even water at times.

Locking myself in my room everyday in the summer as to not face the world.

Lies, oh the lies of evertyhing. i felt like a damn drug addict addicted to slimlife.

Diet pills, all the money spent on them.

Passing out all the time.

Smoking cigarette after cigarette to feed my depression, additction to nicotine, and the thought of them as an appetite supressant.

Being addicted to pills, smoking, being depressed, never having a clear thought in my head, EVER.

I would not take back my illness for anything. It made me who I am, built my character and gave me wisdom of what to cherrish in the world.

Live your life to the fullest, for YOURSELF not your appearance.

There are many some of which I am still struggling with.

The worst ones that stand out.. 

What I have done to the ones I love.. I hate myself for putting them through so much. 

Chest pain

The worry that I may not wake up the next morning

Looking like an alien

Feeling cold CONSTANTLY 

People staring

A man telling me to 'get a grip & just go eat'. 

Feeling so distraught on Christmas day I knocked myself ill from crying so much

Feeling deceitful and generally a horrible person

Feeling alone and pushing away anyone that attempted to get close to me

The constant guilt 

The obsessing

Avoiding people and any social settings 

The feeling of being so consumed that I no longer had control and almost stopped feeling all together. 

 I am sure I can add to this list..

 Thank you for starting this thread :) 

"looking like an alien..."

Oh man, I have looked like an alien for months now.  Only now that I'm FINALLY starting to gain some weight am I looking human again.  I thought I would hate the way I looked heavier, but I'm finding that I look so much healthier and better, and I love catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  (My face at least... my bloated stomach is another story.)

Thanks to everyone who has shared thus far.  Many of these I can relate to, others have simply brought me to tears...

We can all do this, don't give up.

Rattinhat88-  I totally relate to the alien thing; and hearing that you "love catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror" nearly brought me to tears. It is so comforting to hear that you feel that you not only feel, but look, better at a healthier weight. Although I hate the alien (both in the creepy sense, and the foreign concept sense) look that I have now it is secretly comforting and what I know. However, hearing your inspiring words really gets me excited to look healthier and both look and feel more vivacious! 
We will Not give up- if not only because looking back at these (some of which I relate to, others of which I can only empathize with) going back is NOT an option.
Thanks for starting the thread

Original Post by ratinhat88:

"looking like an alien..."

Oh man, I have looked like an alien for months now.  Only now that I'm FINALLY starting to gain some weight am I looking human again.  I thought I would hate the way I looked heavier, but I'm finding that I look so much healthier and better, and I love catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  (My face at least... my bloated stomach is another story.)

I can toootally relate to that. It was so ironic, the fact that trying on the clothes I could now fit into wasn't even fun anymore.. I didn't like the way body looked at all, and my face was sulken and constantly tired-looking. I also noticed my face was taking on a sort of middle-aged air. ick! It was so bad to the point where I kept mirror time to a minimum and hated even putting on makeup because I'd have to look at my sickly face. talk about reinforcement..

Also, just to add, when I looked my worst and my face was all sunken and drawn, I never bothered putting on makeup or fixing my hair much or anything like that.  I figured why bother because no one liked to look at me anyway, I guess.  But now, without even thinking about it, I have just been more motivated to take care of my appearance and I find myself wearing makeup and styling my hair and stuff.  I look so much better and people are noticing.  My boyfriend complimented my appearance today which he hasn't done in MONTHS.  It's not his fault though as there really hasn't been much to compliment--until now! (If I do say so myself!) :)

wow...all of this is so familar.

my worst memories include:

always being soo cold

never hanging out with my friends--what if there's food there?? plus, i had no body fat so i got too cold and HATED being outside, even for a second

weighing myself everyday, usually more than once..if my weight was even up .1 pounds i would be horribly depressed until it went down

truely believing i was healthy

being able to see the MUSCLE in between my ribs

not being able to sit on hard surfaces because i had no butt

constantly feeling shaky and dizzy...walking around school between classes took lots of effort

having the worst season in my life (softball)--i completely ruined any chance i had to get much recognition, not to mention i absolutely hated it because it was so much work and i was always hungry during practice and games

completely underestimating my calories...i'd eat a 60 cal yogurt for breakfast, 2 pieces of light bread (80 cals) with a tsp of sugar free jam (like 3 cals) and count it as 200....when you do this for every thing you eat it really adds up. i believed i was eating 1,200 calories most days, when in reality i probably ate 700-800

all the comments people always made on how i looked skeletal

how none of my clothes fit...my size 2 jeans were huge on me and i couldn't wear them without a belt

oh one of the best comments was when my friend told me i looked like a kid from a concentration camp.  the ironic thing now is that she's struggling with bulimia and looks so tiny and frail that it's scary

and most of all, how i felt like a freak, and i would cry all the time and wish i could just be normal again. and wondering why this had to happen to me.

this makes me so sad, thinking about how i pretty much lost a year of my life :-(

i hav a few bad memories and they r only gettin worse.. wats funny is im not lookin at them as ed memories.. but afta reading your posts im findin more and more that  i actually hav a problem..

sat nyt i went out wit friends and my boyfriend drinkin... i actually drank heaps and had skipped lunch and dinner that day so i culd include alcohol and still b under my calorie limit for the day..when i got home my bf went to sleep and i stayed up raiding the kitchen and ended up on a massive binge..
i ended up takin a lot of laxatives and a cuple of panadols to stop the pains of the laxatives... i remember lyin there in bed and my boyfriend's hand on my stomach as it growled and i ended up spending the next day locked in the bathroom.. i told everyone it was just the alcohol and i was just hungova...

im scared becoz i cant control myself anymore and i hav been abusin laxatives everyday and becoz i am not thin.. altho ive lost 10kg already.. instead of people worryin, i am gettin compliments on how well im goin with my 'healthy' eating etc.

thanks for everyones honesty in this.. it is the first time i hav actually come out with my ed..

the one i remember the most was feeling so fat when i was at home/alone but when i was out and about where there were alot of people i would feel way to skinny

always being cold.

when people would ask why i was so skinny and i had to make up lies. 

hiding my food, then going to the bathroom and flushing it. i remember one time i was so scared to eat some broccoli that was in a salad because my dad put dressing on it, and i tried to flush it down, but it clogged the toilet, and my parents had to col pluming to get it out. . .ya try explaining why you flushed broccoli down the toilet.

getting bruises on my butt from sitting on the hard chairs at school. 

getting bruises on my legs from sleeping [when they would hit together i guess] 

feeling like i was to worthless to eat.

losing my personality.

losing my artistic skills.

always being tired.

not remembering things.

getting really dizzy when i would stand up to fast.

not being able to lay down with out being in pain because of my hip bones/ribs.

having my friends tell me i look like a 12 year old. 

there are so many more thing i could put down. and to think being thin was worth all of that 

"hiding my food, then going to the bathroom and flushing it. i remember one time i was so scared to eat some broccoli that was in a salad because my dad put dressing on it, and i tried to flush it down, but it clogged the toilet, and my parents had to col pluming to get it out. . .ya try explaining why you flushed broccoli down the toilet."

Been there! Except mine was a grapefruit peel. Once I finally decided to recover, once I got past the wait-til-everybody's-asleep-then-when-no-one' s-looking-you-can-eat phase, I was still scared to eat in front of people and would grab things to eat in the bathroom with the door closed and fan on so nobody could see or hear what I was doing.

I attempted to flush the peel and the toilet got clogged. It took us four or five days to fix it and my mum still makes fun of me for it. But, ya know what, I deserve it! It was crazy and stupid and now all I can do is think back on that and laugh!

I remember:

Being cold all the time

not eating in front of anyone

Feeling so sick and tired constantly

I remember one time when we were at PE and we had to change i lifted up my shirt and one of my friends yelled: " Holy crud! I can see your ribs! That is so disgusting!" Then of course everyone looked and then thought i was anorexic that was when everyone found out!

Having all of my coaches tell me that i am too skinny to play volleyball because i had no energy left in me so i really wasn't doing anything beneficial for the team. That was bad!

There are many more but i can't think of them right now!

Original Post by yyonah:

OH and being on the beach in the summer in my swimsuit, a woman and her children all saw me and walked up to me, touched my arm and burst into tears.

 awh wow this just breaks my heart... I would probably cry too if I saw someone like this, mainly because I could relate.

there is a difference between 'thin' and 'painfully thin'... and what you have just described what this woman saw was waaaay past the borders of 'thin'

like when you see an emaciated starving dog on the street, do you think: "awh so cute and cuddly!" OR "awh oh no, poor thing, no one cares for it :("

personally at the height of my ED, I would never let anyone see me in a bathing suit or worse naked, because I felt so ashamed...

I remember one day I was lying on the couch and my shirt was half way up my back and my little brother exclaimed "oh my god carmen I can see your ribs"

nobody wants to see someone suffer like this...

...

but wow reading these posts sure makes you never want to have an ED or go back to those old ways! thank you for starting this thread!  

At the height of my ED I was 10, so it really hurt when my mom said, "I don't want to hug you, it hurts. Your bones stick into me." It wasn't those exact words, but that was she meant. She didn't say it in a mean way, but in a tone that is kinda indescribable.

Yeah, I remember that I would dread going out in public because I felt like people were staring at me. I started undereating to lose weight and look good in short skirts and my bikini in the first place, but after I lost too much, I was so self-conscious about my stickly legs that I wouldn't wear shorts or skirts, even on the hottest days. I felt fat if my size 0 jeans weren't hanging off me, but I hated going clothes shopping because nothing would fit and I would get depressed. . . ah, those were the days weren't they? So glad they're behind me. . .