ED recoverers: post your worst ED memory

Hey everybody, let's get motivated to keep on keepin' on with recovery!

I was just thinking today about how being anorexic for a year has interfered with my life and ruined so many occasions that could have been happy.  For example, I remember one time my family was going out to a buffet that I used to love, to celebrate a big accomplishment for my brother.  They called me at work and asked if I wanted to go.  I begrudgingly agreed to go along, but I was terrified the entire time.  As soon as I walked into the restaurant I practically had a panic attack looking at all the food.  I couldn't enjoy anything, I just got a little salad and a couple spears of steamed broccoli, and watched my family enjoy themselves.  I made my mom come with me to the buffet line to help me get some things I felt I could eat.  I was practically crying while I was with her, and (this is the worst and most embarrassing part of all) I actually had a measuring cup in my purse and I would spoon the items into it before I put them on my plate.  OMG, I was in so deep.  I can't believe I ever let it rule my life like that.  Needless to say I had a terrible time and felt very isolated the entire time.  My family obviously didn't have as much fun as they could have either.

But now I'm determined never to let things like that happen again!  I want to LIVE my life, because it's too short not to enjoy it!  And who knows how much longer my parents will be around?  I need to have FUN while we are all still together and a family.  I could easily have practiced moderation and portion control at that restaurant, but instead I let myself get paralyzed by fear.  Well, not anymore!  I'm recovering just like so many other wonderful people on this site!

So my point is, I thought it would be motivating if we all posted an experience like this, in which your ED kept you from doing something meaningful, fun, or enjoyable.  Then we can kick it on its ass and get on with our lives, living them to the fullest.  Sorry for the long post--what stories do you all have?

Oh man, one day I remember vomiting tea (plain tea, no sugar or anything, because i was so certain it had a billion calories.  That was actually the first day I started to purge.

 

And then the times where I had over-dosed on vitamin c (using a combination of oranges and emergen-c packets).  Over-dosing on vitamin c sucks because you get really bloated, have terrible-tasting burps, and then later you vomit and have terrible case of diahhrea.  And the most recent time was about a week before I left for Germany to be an exchange student, I had told my parents I was totally constipated (just bloated from the over dose) so my father ran out to wal-greens at 8 at night, bought some laxes, and I took them.  Early, about 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 that morning, I vomited so much, and so hard that I also had the runs at the same time.  It was a mess.  I ended up having to sleep in the kitchen, on the hard, freezing lanolin floor.

 

And I remember many times, but the day I had to take some pre-ACT course, I guess I had too much vitamin-c or something, because halfway through the english part, I ran out of the room, and up three flights of stairs, to the nearest bathroom and puked so much.  It sucked.  When I was going home, I told my mom what had happened.  The next day, a Sunday, I had actually decided to drink about 2 litres of broth for breakfast, because i was cold.  Lucky thing, though, because I was confronted halfway through, about my ehh.. anorexia.  The good thing about me is I can handle pressure pretty well, and am good at calming myself down, and I took a deep breath and listened to their concerns.  I wanted so badly to cry, and tell the truth, and make everything clear, why I had started to do badly in Chemistry (my favourite class), I wanted to run outside, and away (freezing wisconsin winter and snow).  but I did not.  They wanted to weight me.  2 litres = about 4kg.  And I had a lot of clothes on, and skipped to my room to put some weights in my pockets and stuff.  Mum was satisfied (a little bit) with my weight.  Then they wanted to make sure I was not cutting.  Thank god, I am not the normal wrist-slitting masochistic self-mutilater, otherwise it would have been a lot more though to get out of.  That, and my mother assuming people only slit the bottoms of their wrists, unfortunately she found some scars on my legs, which the only lie that would work was that they were old and that it was only one time.  I ended up seeing a shrink (she is ****, and i know my parents knew that), and the physician, all of which I also lied to, because at that point, I was 3 weeks away from being an exchange student in Germany, and that was all that mattered.  Everyone deemed me "healthy enough" with a little help from the weights I borrowed from my science teacher.  And I am now in Germany.

 

However, I have started to gain a little bit of weight here, so my host family does not freak out, but the father always makes comments.  I was told that I started to look healthier, after 3 months in Germany. Uggh... not something I wanted to hear, but I almost want to be healthy.  I do not want to lie.  I told a lot of my friends, back home about it, so when I get back, they can look for my behaviour and make sure I do not slip too much back.  And I feel soo gross gaining some weight.  I actually do not know how much I weigh, because they do not have a scale (or are hiding it form me).  I am pretty certain my parents warned them about me, but no one stops me from not eating.  I honestly wish I could just go back to eating normally.  I wish I could enjoy going to camp again, without thinking, "oh, don't eat, because I can lose more weight at camp ((I always do))."

i have so many bad memories, it was like the SCARIEST time of my life...at times now,in retrospective recovery i 'forget' these bad times and think "Omg, i was so thin and pretty then..."

I went through it all in the worst, depressing most cold and lonesome months (september,october, november, december..) and i just remember how controlling my mind was. I just got freaked out over every little calorie! I was so upset with my body, i had only just turned fourteen, and i wanted so badly to look prettier and have a great body, but pyschologically I wanted to stand out so much.

There are SO many deeper reasons why i developed anorexia. I wanted to be cleverer, my whole life i've felt dumb because im so bad at maths and not that great at science or facts and stuff. I just lost the will in everything when I stopped eating. I lost the 'battle' of To Eat Or Not To Eat? It wasn't like a diet, it felt almost easy some days just to not eat. It felt like it was a channel for all the feelings i felt - angry, mixed up, really heart-achingly sad and depressed all the time, sick at my body and personality.

I remember clearly though going to school. All my friends...wow...we were just so young...fourteen. We thought we were really old and my friend had a boyfriend and we were all jealous...i just got really COLD at school all the time. I was BLUE! And I remeber everyone around me just said "You are so thin" and became really worried about me in general, health and emotional needs. I remember I just thought I'm fine!!!! Why are they getting so freaked out?!?! Which is like a bunch of crap because I was completely starving. I remember feeling super super super guilty like I wanted to kill myself after eating a full meal after going on week fast (homemade pizza and chocolate ice cream for dessert). I just went to my bed, cried and then beat myself up about it.

I never weighed myself once through anorexia, but after about 3 months i stood on the scales and nearly fell off in shock. I think I was down to 84-86 pounds or something. That was the hugest revelation to me; i stood in shock, not really knowing whether I should feel ecstatic, cry out in pain, laugh weakly, or be terrified. My parents were really serious with me; yet i remember the whole time feeling 'fine'. I was so mixed up it hurts me to this day.

I'm turn sixteen next week and I'm really looking forward to spending the day with my whole family (sister coming back from college woop woop!).  I just wanted to remind everyone who is going through this horrible, terrifying, life-sucking lonely empty sadness that it's not worth the pain. Life can't control you like that. I get upset, yeah, and i still suffer with the battle of anorexia from day to day, but it's getting further and further away, as I concentrate on being happier, being laid back, drawing, reading, writing, listening and doing exactly what is the right thing for my well-being. Fourteen is so young. I know sixteen's not much more, but I hope that two years from now I can look back at my sixteenth birthday and think "What were those thoughts?!"

I wish you all good times, and don't let anorexia beat any of us up. In the end, we can choose to listen to the evil lies and we'll never be satisfied, because lies cover up all the good. Or we can choose the truth because it seems the right choice - but it will also set you free - emotionally and physically.

wooaaw..major long post right there...excusez-moi ;)

Wow,reading through everyones struggles really does make me appreciate coming to terms that having an ED is not how I want to live my life, because it truely does become your life.

I agree being cold ALL the time was horrible, my old job was at a fitness center and since everyone was working out they had the AC pumped up all the time, I just remember it being July and I was wearing a wool sweater shivering in my office drinking hot tea.

Also turning a dinner or lunch out with friends into a huge ordeal.  "Do I fast beforehand so I can eat "normally" with them?"

"Are they gonna give me weird looks when I order a salad with no dressing, cheese, meat, croutons, nuts etc"

"What if they want to god forbid share an appetizer!"

Also not eating one piece of food for 2 years without at least some guilt or consequence.  As well as bad bloating and gas if I would eat something that wasnt a safety food.

Also Im not sure if anyone experienced this but I may have given other normal weight friends of mine a complex, when I would only order fat free, sugar free low calorie foods, they would assume I thought they were fat since it seemed like I was trying to lose weight.  (I honestly never thought of any of them as overweight at all, they didnt understand that it was my own body I was struggling with)

For some reason, I feel the need to tell my story. I don't think anyone out of my immediate family knows that I went through this, so here it goes..

I was always into gymnastics as a kid, so when my mom offered to sign me up for some 'acro' classes I thought she was somehow hinting at the fact that I needed to lose weight... however, I agreed to take the classes...When I was 13, I started completing provincially, and joined another gym group where all the girls there seemed to be about 20-40lbs lighter than the girls of similar age and height at my other gym.. (I suppose because they either already had an eating disorder or didn't eat enough for their 20+ hour workout weeks). I felt enormous, and decided that if I was going to do well in competition, I needed to lose some weight. It started with only 5lbs. And then it moved to 10, 20, and then I eventually lose track. My grandmother would make comments on how skinny I'd gotten, and my mom would defend me by saying "Oh, she has hard 4-hour workouts 4 times a week, so she's just all muscle now!:)"..  In a way, I think that made me feel like it was "okay" to keep losing weight, maybe my mom would defend me through the whole thing... and at that point, I didn't see it as a problem.

By the time I was 14, I'd reached my LW of 82lbs, most of which was muscle (I'd eat a bit before I went to gymnastics to ENSURE that it would turn into muscle and NOT fat, and it would be such a little amount, ahgod) and skin.. I was always exhausted, imagine trying to do a backhandspring, swing yourself around the uneven bars (which I always got bruises from on my hips), or pumping out sets of 200 crunches for a half hour, on little to no food. When I was in school, I'd hide in the bathroom at breaks and put the hand-dryer on to warm myself up, because I'd be so cold. People always made comments on how much water I drank (I'd re-fill a 2L bottle at least 4 times during the school day).

I realized there was a problem after my appendix burst.. I was bed-ridden for about a week, my stomach was bloated and so not toned from being cut open, and I basically sat in bed munching on candy for that week straight. I gained 10lbs in two weeks.

Now, I'm better (three years later), but I'm still not okay with myself.. ever since I had my appendix out, my stomach hasn't been the same. I had to quit gymnastics, for multiple reasons, and that's multiplied my weight loss quite a bit. Hopefully I'll eventually gain some self-esteem and be okay with myself...  although now more problems have arisen from my ED, I still cannot eat around people or have people eat around me, I'll get completely grossed out at the mere sound and I sometimes have anxiety attacks..

(sorry for the extremely long post. :))

Okay it's my turn girls...

The comments. What caused my ED was comments from guys about my body saying my ass was flat and my torso was shapped like a box (in my chubby years) or how about my "Friend" saying my arms were big?
I lost all the weight on vacation one summer. It just started off as an innocent diet but seeing the numbers go down on the scale was addictive. It's never bad when you see the numbers go down right? Thats what us women are programmed to think..that less = good

Until I return home from vacation and this 1 guy i was keeping in touch with online while i was on vacation overseas that past summer stopped talking to me because i was 20lbs skinnier then when he liked me 2 months ago.
Or how about my friends friend saying "you frail frail girl..."
or this one **** in college "jokingly" calling me anorexic
or when i was in the elevator going downstairs in my dorm building and these 2 guys walked past me one of them pointed at me and said "What about her?" and the other said "..no way, i want a girl who looks healthy!"
or when me and my friends were going to the club and this dude who was already high went to the wawa (store) to buy himself munchies and he got us girls soda and combos (we didn't request it but he was just acting high) and he threw 2 at me and said "here you go...you could use like 12 of them!". So many rude comments from guys


Or how about all the good comments saying I look great which only contributed to make me wanna stay the unhealthy weight i was
but we're talking about worst memories...well how about when the doctors labeled me as anorexic. When I had to put weights in my jeans to make it look like the scale was a higher weight then it really was when they made me weigh myself at the doctors. Or my nutritionest saying that I might DIE if i don't get my act together..i mean i seriously didn't think I was going to DIE and that i wasn't unhealthy at all but they brainwashed me in to thinking somethings wrong with me and now i have a binge eating disorder..i eat normally but 3 of everything now..and its been going on for months, and i'm not anorexic any more but i'm bloated allt he time and ahh...so hard.

of course i had bad memories of not being able to enjoy alcohol, family dinners, even DATES, and then there are the hoooooooorrrrrrrrrrrible times when i BINGE and CRY afterwards, i binge in the dark and then when someone comes down to the kitchen i quickly go to the backyard and pretend i'm looking at the stars or something because I'm embarssed that they see me binging or eating.

Coming home at my lowest weight this summer and hearing my friends and parents friends comment on how much younger I looked. Strangers who guessed my age thought I was maybe 17, 18. I'm 21. When I was 16 and at a higher weight I looked older than what my actual age is now. I get carded for alcohol now when I didn't at 16. I had to start buying clothes in the junior's department, and my breasts had shrunk to a size smaller than what they were when I was in 7th grade. To me it meant my ED had me regress into girlhood again, which symbolized how I couldn't take care of myself anymore and that there was a huge disconnect between my intellect and my emotions. I was not in a place of body or mind where a 21 year-old woman should be.

I don't mind being cold all of the time. I don't mind not being able to do pilates because my bones grind into the mat. I don't even mind the pulsing veins visible in places that are dying for fat. But I am not okay witht he childlike-nature of an ED mind, and if I'm going to emotionally mature then my body is just goingt to have to follow with me. And I'm going to have to be a big girl and get over it.

the worst memory?

Not being able to eat anything for ages because I was SCARED. I would actually have a panic/anxiety attack/ nervous breakdown thing everytime I even thought about eating. I barely ate for about a month at my worst point.

It's starting to come back again, but I have meds for it to calm me down.

One of the worst times I guess was when I was with my gf and we were in starbucks and I really wanted to eat the granola bar sitting on the plate in front of me, but even looking at it made me cry...it was so difficult, but what made it worse was that I felt guilty for making her cry as well. Guilty! For a feeling I can't help! That's how confused and upset I had become.

Another time was when I was looking forward all day to eating Wagamama takeaway at home, but on opening the pot of prawns (PRAWNS- basically negative calories, godammit!) I literally collapsed on the floor in a shivering heap.

It was such a scary time =[ I would get so hungry but be so scared to eat....I mean, my LW was 84lbs (at 5'2", 17yrs old).... right now I've gained to about 94, but I'm starting to hit a relapse... after only about 3 months! Ugh.

I also hated feeling so ridiculously cold (espesh as it all happened in winter...)all the time that I spent so much time in bed asleep; along with the mantra 'Well, if I'm not doing any excersise/moving anywhere, then there's no need to fuel myself, is there?'

Stupid anorexia =c

xxx

Original Post by queensaline:

Coming home at my lowest weight this summer and hearing my friends and parents friends comment on how much younger I looked. Strangers who guessed my age thought I was maybe 17, 18. I'm 21. When I was 16 and at a higher weight I looked older than what my actual age is now. I get carded for alcohol now when I didn't at 16. I had to start buying clothes in the junior's department, and my breasts had shrunk to a size smaller than what they were when I was in 7th grade. To me it meant my ED had me regress into girlhood again, which symbolized how I couldn't take care of myself anymore and that there was a huge disconnect between my intellect and my emotions. I was not in a place of body or mind where a 21 year-old woman should be.

I don't mind being cold all of the time. I don't mind not being able to do pilates because my bones grind into the mat. I don't even mind the pulsing veins visible in places that are dying for fat. But I am not okay witht he childlike-nature of an ED mind, and if I'm going to emotionally mature then my body is just goingt to have to follow with me. And I'm going to have to be a big girl and get over it.

I am experiencing the same problem of not letting go of my YOUTH!

hmmmm

1) colapsing in school and having them call an ambulance (that was fun)

2) Having my mum find me in the kitchne at 6.30 wheezing away desperate to reach 500 on my cross trainer so i could burn off what i would eat that day BEFORE I HAD EATEN IT

3) Being referred to more therapists , doctors and councellors than i ever want to be referred to.

or more recently

4) Walking around my local sainsburrys , crying and shaking exhausted an unable to open my eyes - because i was so hungry and tired and bursting into tears all over again every time i picked something up because of how many callories it had in it.

Or

5) Almost screaming at a girl in my local boots because i was having a good day and she mentioned calories - i didnt even know her.

Theres more but those are the ones that stick out

xxx

Eating out at a restaurant while still in my worse stages, and freaking out because the side order of veg I had with my lean steak tasted ever so slightly of butter. No proof they had been (and they hadn't been, I had to be reassured) but my warped mind was telling me they were. Refusing to eat even just VEGETABLES. That was humiliating. \;

My boyfriend seeing me for the first time after my severe loss, and him telling me truthfully that he doesn't find me as attractive at the weight and appearance I am right now. He told me in a way that didn't make it negative (as in, he didn't go YOU'RE UGLY) but rather an incentive - to plump up to a healthy point again, and to be better looking to him, to the world and to myself that way. (:

Realising while trying on dresses that I looked like a skeleton covered in wax, and that while I look like this I won't be able to bring myself to attend my end of college ball. \:

Having to leave my sailing job because the heart condition I've given myself by starving and purging would flare up in the cold water. That happened yesterday. I am so incredibly crushed. 

I have put so much time and effort into that job and its training. My partners were counting on me, and I am going to miss the kids more than anything. Not to mention being on the water; that was one of the few places I felt strong. 

I lost my good gpa, my friends, and now my job. Guh. -_-

it also sucks when you drink laxative tea after not eating much for several days.

Lotsa cramps, not much else... it really, really is not nice.

eugghh

 

i would have to say, when i was around 83 pounds i had to quit gymnastics because i was to tired and couldn't concentrate, and my body keep giving out on me, i also  keep braking to many bones because they were so frail, also i had to quit because i was going IP, Quitting was one of the hardest things i ever had to do in my life, after doing gymnastics for most of my life [14 years] and getting up to level 10 i just feel like threw it away because of my ED. 

i will always regret it.

 

also,

when my ED started to get bad, i lost feeling in my left foot and was always tripping and walking weird

I'm so glad I'm getting past all these moments now!! but since I'm still so thin, for the first time in my life, everyone thinks I'm younger than I am. I've always been told I look older, like 20 when I was really 14. And now people have a hard time believing I'm even over 18. I was on a trip with my family this last week and my little brother and I did touristy things while my parents worked. the guy at the front told my parents when we checked in that they might need to tell the waitresses at breakfast that we'd be coming in later because usually they don't serve a group unless one of them is over 18. My dad had to be like oh no, its ok shes 22! Another lady they were working with also asked me if I had started college yet, so I had to tell her I would actually be done in December. AND at yet another restaurant, they handed my parents the wine list and added that they also had sodas or juice for the "kids".

I can't believe weight makes such a huge difference. I was always slightly underweight anyways. However I can't wait to get the little curves that I used to have back!

Worst ED moment? well, it was about a year ago, I think Rosie Odonnel was still on "the view", so that image may have remained in my head from that morning, also, I had consumed at least 15 beers that night at the bar....wait, ED does stand for erectile dysfunction, right?

Okay, lol, I admit that made me laugh, Gary. xD

• Being cold all the time
• When I go out, I can feel the wind rattle through my bones
• Having an alien/skeletal face and sunken eyes
• Having all my friends/family/family friends comment my weight
• Having random people (liek this guy at a bus stop) ask me if I was eating and commenting on my thinness
• Not having anyy energy
• Being unable to run AT ALL without getting tired instantly
• Struggling to play my trombone
• Feeling disconnected from everyone around me, distanced from friends etc
• Having to cower by the oven at a friends house to keep warm
• Sitting in class at school with pins and needles all throughmy body due to the cold and bad circulation
• Not being able to sit down because it hurts my ass too much
• having purple, skeletal hands and fingers that ache alot
• Having to buy kids jeans and STILL not having them fit me properly
• having to wear belts really tightly with everything
• looking like a starved child
• not being able to physically get out the bath
• having my mum constantly look at me in worry, not being able to even give me a hug without rubbing my arms and commenting on how thin I looked

I could go on, and on and on...
All that just to be thin =/

I had some ED tendencies when I started on here, and I hit a couple lows that made me realize that I needed help. CC really saved me.

Once I threw away all my candied ginger (one of my favorite foods) so I wouldn't binge on it, and then an hour later I was kneeling by the sink eating it out of the trash. Ugh.

At this work potluck, I was freaking out because I was bingeing, and one of my tactless coworkers said loudly in front of everyone, "Emily. Repeat after me. 'I AM THIN ENOUGH.'" I was so embarrassed. Then I went in the bathroom and tried to purge for the first time ever, with my concerned coworkers standing outside the stall. I went home and tried for hours to purge, and I could only get a little up, but I pulled muscles in my throat doing so.

I feel so lucky that I never developed a full-blown eating disorder. I was definitely on an unhealthy path.

my worst ED memory was when i was really bad with it, and i was in my group home. i would skip breakfast, go to school, skip lunch, and at dinner id tell them i had a big lunch. after 5 days of no food intak at all and allot of excersise, i got really sick and i had to stay home from school. i was taking a shower, and i passed out, and i guess i made a big bang because this wicked hot staff came in and picked me up even though i was naked, because i still wasnt responding, and they had to bring me into the hall and throw a towel on me, but still, beore they thew the towel on me, there was this moment where everyone in th hall saw me naked.