ED recoverers: post your worst ED memory

Hey everybody, let's get motivated to keep on keepin' on with recovery!

I was just thinking today about how being anorexic for a year has interfered with my life and ruined so many occasions that could have been happy.  For example, I remember one time my family was going out to a buffet that I used to love, to celebrate a big accomplishment for my brother.  They called me at work and asked if I wanted to go.  I begrudgingly agreed to go along, but I was terrified the entire time.  As soon as I walked into the restaurant I practically had a panic attack looking at all the food.  I couldn't enjoy anything, I just got a little salad and a couple spears of steamed broccoli, and watched my family enjoy themselves.  I made my mom come with me to the buffet line to help me get some things I felt I could eat.  I was practically crying while I was with her, and (this is the worst and most embarrassing part of all) I actually had a measuring cup in my purse and I would spoon the items into it before I put them on my plate.  OMG, I was in so deep.  I can't believe I ever let it rule my life like that.  Needless to say I had a terrible time and felt very isolated the entire time.  My family obviously didn't have as much fun as they could have either.

But now I'm determined never to let things like that happen again!  I want to LIVE my life, because it's too short not to enjoy it!  And who knows how much longer my parents will be around?  I need to have FUN while we are all still together and a family.  I could easily have practiced moderation and portion control at that restaurant, but instead I let myself get paralyzed by fear.  Well, not anymore!  I'm recovering just like so many other wonderful people on this site!

So my point is, I thought it would be motivating if we all posted an experience like this, in which your ED kept you from doing something meaningful, fun, or enjoyable.  Then we can kick it on its ass and get on with our lives, living them to the fullest.  Sorry for the long post--what stories do you all have?

Okay, i have a couple!

 

sitting at the dinner table refusing to eat any of my dinner. my mom started crying one night and begging me to just take a bite. i pushed it away and sprinted up my 7 flights of stairs. the worst part is- the food my mom was trying to feed me was all organic and "safe", but i had come to a point where nothing was safe any more.

going to the pharmacy and looking for weight loss pills. i went up to the counter and attempted to buy them and they absolutely refused. i started crying and almost attempted to steal it... oh god.

going to a family gathering and my whole family started to tear. my aunt had no idea who i was... she asked me whos mother i was. im thirteen!

taking sleeping pills because i couldnt bear to sleep or to eat anything more.

one day my mom and dad came into my room and i was still awake but they didnt know. they were talking about memories of me when i was younger. i looked up at them and laughed. they just stared at me as i said "why are you talking about my fat days?" .... meanwhile they were talking about when i was three years old.

im so glad this is all over and i can eat so much food and live life now... i started a blog, got back all my friends, and felt beautiful for the first time in my life. i maintain that lifestyle now (blog in my profile) ED took away too much of my life! xxx[:

Oh sophie, babe *hugs*. That just reminded me of one of mine - the weight loss pill scenario. At my worst, with a BMI of like 13, I went to the doctor to get a PRESCRIPTION for heavy duty weight loss pills - THAT is how delusional I was. I really thought there was a chance he'd give them to me. Conversely, of course, he wanted to admit to a hospital instead, which had me freaking out big time - and so I came up with a **** and bull story about getting them for my mother who couldn't leave the house as she was so obese (totally ridiculous). That, my friends, is what ED can do to your brain. Not an ounce of intelligence or cleverness in that one. It's akin to the disordered mental behaviour of a hardcore drug addict.

There are so many more stories... But I might leave them for another time.

I was just looking at photos of myself from this time last year (BMI 13) and I cried so much. I think I can finally see how ill and bad I looked, I've never seen it before, I still always thought everyone was just overreacting.

I do not want to go back to that - which is such a breakthrough for me.

I just thought of another bad ED moment which just happened yesterday :(

Yesterday morning my mum was crying because I wouldn't eat, and she said she felt so helpless and didn't know what to do. She said I am just slowly fading away and she is scared I'm going to die soon and that all I do is push everyone away and she hates to watch me starving myself. She said that I am already so thin and that I have lost too much weight but I don't see it because my image of myself is distorted. Just seeing her crying and so upset like that broke my heart and I felt so guilty. It hurt, it really really hurt. I finally realized how much my eating disorder was affecting my family. I feel so guilty for everything. I wish I could have seen this sooner. Now I realize I have just been too self absorbed in my anorexia that I never noticed anything happening around me. I never noticed how much this was truly hurting my parents and sister. I never even thought about it. I hate what anorexia has done to me. I'm not myself anymore.

Now that I think about it, at least in early recovery, the only reason I started was because I saw how devastated my family was. I seriously didn't care about myself as much as I cared about my family. I find it really scary looking back on that now....

Hey - the stuff you are going through is very significant too, remember that you are also going through a lot, along with your family. Feeling guilty and self absorbed for hurting others will only sabotage your efforts to stay positive. If you are guilty for hurting others, than the guilt can cause you to feel you deserve punishment for the “ guilt” that you feel for upsetting your family. In turn, this will hinder your ability to treat yourself well and get healthy.

I know it is horrible for your family too, but there is nothing selfish about thinking of yourself. You are also going through a very difficult time. Besides, with an eating disorder there is little, if any, energy left over to deal with anything but surviving, therefore it may not be physically possible to think too much about others. You are not a bad person.

Worst ED memory: so many, the ones that stand out

1. The moment I got the ED. It wasn't gradual for me, I had gone on a diet to lose five pounds or so, and the rule was to only eat I big bowl of soup for dinner. Well, I was STARVING that night, and was about to go into the refridgerator to have cookies, but I looked at my stomach, said no, and my whole mind changed. From then on, food made me anxious, food was what had made me fat. One moment, my whole life changed.

2. My 15th birthday party. I couldn't eat my own cake. I went into the bathroom and cried before opening my presents.

3. Sleepaway camp when I was 12--living off five slices of bread a day, my friends coaxing me out of bed to eat a granola bar, which took me an hour, in the middle of the night

I'm in recovery and thinking about some of the things I did feels unbelievable.

 

When I was 12 I looked at my sister and decided she was more beautiful than me because she was thinner, I was never the same.

Running on the treadmill for an hour, getting off then falling to the floor.

Being so weak my boyfriend had to help me out of bed (needed his help after the treadmill sessions also).

Crying over consuming a glass of water.

Passing out, heart problems, dehydration, 2 hospital trips in a week.

Planning out future meals, obsessively collecting recipes that wouldn't be made, thinking about food every moment.

Not eating for days, I am hypoglycemic so this would make me very ill. Convulsions, chills, throwing up, etc.

Loss of friends and interest in everything that entertained me before.

Forgetting what it's like to feel true happiness.

Hurting the people I love.

 

And many more.

Original Post by hannahba:

Worst ED memory: so many, the ones that stand out

1. The moment I got the ED. It wasn't gradual for me, I had gone on a diet to lose five pounds or so, and the rule was to only eat I big bowl of soup for dinner. Well, I was STARVING that night, and was about to go into the refridgerator to have cookies, but I looked at my stomach, said no, and my whole mind changed. From then on, food made me anxious, food was what had made me fat. One moment, my whole life changed.

2. My 15th birthday party. I couldn't eat my own cake. I went into the bathroom and cried before opening my presents.

3. Sleepaway camp when I was 12--living off five slices of bread a day, my friends coaxing me out of bed to eat a granola bar, which took me an hour, in the middle of the night

 funny.

I thought you said "I DONT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER" on your last post/thread?

Get your act together and stop lying to yourself... it makes it easier on yourself, and us. If you actually tell us the truth, we're more likely to be able to help you.

As I've said before, I don't like the condesending tone. Yes, I HAD an eating disorder, but I do not HAVE one. I've recovered, and am still struggling, but trying to live a healthy life. My ED ruined my life, I never want to go back to it.

I have a few:

1.  Right before I went to sleepaway camp over the summer when i was 11, i was diagnosed with anorexia.  At sleepaway camp, I barely ate, and i took my pulse because i was scared:  it was only 24 beats per min.  But i still couldn't eat.  And i lost 11+ pounds in 2 weeks.

2.  That summer, I was at my swim team banquet (about 76 pounds).  I saw my old coach there from when I was younger, and Ill never forget her reaction when she saw me.  The look of horror, then disgust, then pity, then fake smile "oh my GOD you're SO thin!"

3.  My 16th birthday.  I overdosed (suicide attempt) but even after i couldn't stop spewing vomit i didn't tell anyone.  I was too weak/too sick to get out of bed for weeks.

4.  alll the hospitalizations:  last 3 months of 7 th grade i was inpatient, 2-3 months of 8th grade i was IP, jan-jun my freshman year i was in a residential program 1/2 way across the country, Sophmore year:  gen. psych admit a week after school started (a new school, btw) for almost 2 months, went back to school a few weeks, then went to ED unit (inpatient) a few months, transfer to a different ED unit for another few months, then went back to school for the last few weeks.  fun.  Then I started getting ECT (shock therapy) in august, and again recently, and i'm getting it every other day over winter break (fun christmas, huh?).

5.  I've lost 99.9% of my friends from all this ****.  

ohh man,

okay.

when i was probably 73 lbs in 2008 in auguast in a relapse and i walked outside and my grandma and grandpa started crying and my g-ma was shaking and my g-pa was saying how i looked worse than the holocaust people he was in camps with :( and my other grandpa crying that all he wants is his granddaughter back.

being called the anorexic twins at school behind my back, when i thought nooone even noticed i was ill looking. and have people not want to talk to me or anything. not being able to go to the senior lunch becasue they had no safe" foods obvi.

2 days b4 IP 2008 when i was 66 lbs, i went to target and there was a girl my age and her mom and they were pointing and laughing at me and my mom started yelling at them! it was so painfully sad and shameful.and being stared at at the mall, and popele pointing and looking back and whispering.

going to IP at my lowest not eating for 10 days straight before i went in, no water, nothing, exept diet coke and gum. and running out of the emergency room bc they wanted to feed tube me, and the police coming to my home at 11 p.m and bringing me to another hospital where i had to convince them i want insane and i was "eating" and they let me leave and i went IP at 66 lbs. almost died. horrific.

shopping for clothes in the kids section, having size 10 slim abercrombie jeans hang off of me. when i am 19 years old.

being asked if i am 12 years old.

and smoking a cig and a man telling me to "stop smoking and go eat a banana" and i laughted and he said, u laugh casue u know its true!!!!!!!!!-thought that was funny a banana? lol :/ but not funny i was prob 69-70 lbs.

being wheeled in a wheel chair in IP and holding my sisters hand who was in a chair next to me and crying/sobbing! how sad and weak i was and scared to see her so sick. :( seeing eliza my sis so sick as well :(

being watched all nighht in IP and having my pulse checked every hour to see if i where still alive.

being asked by random people what is wrong with me or if i had cancer? :(

my aunt not letting me come over bc i upet her too much, and making me wear a sweater when i see her.

having to bring a sweater to sit on in the movie theater bc it hurted to sit.

when me and my twin sister would wake up at 4:00 b4 school in junior year and have a Think Thin bar for bfast and then not eat the whole day besides a bowl of cabage(YIKEs makes me so sad)

walking 80+ blocks in the city on under 300 cals a day. looking at all the beautiful healthy girls eating at cafes and cryng inside that i wish tht was me.

running away, taking the train to the city and trying to escape from mom.

having bruises on my legs from sleeping and my bones digging into my bed.

making 90 cal sandwiched to bring to summer school so they would leave me alone about eating. pathetic.

having boys yell out the window "Go f-ing eat!!" while walking down the street in the summer.

waking up at 2 a.m each morning to do my ritual of excersises and broke my foot with exessive jump roping. 

loosing all my opertunities for college, a year wasted of Uni. and all my dreams are gone. well there is always hope but this is not were i would have thought id be at 19 1/2 years old. :( lost my familys respect. and trust. and i havent been to a family event and ate or had them proud of me in so long.

wow. *deep breathe* ok. tht was alot :/

ahhh so many horrible memories :( a lot of mine will be similar to ^ maya above, because we are twins...well here we go...

when i was going out with my ex boyfriend august 2008 and around 73-75 lbs and he would tell me to put on a sweater, and his friends would make fun of how thin i was :(

going into the hospital and them wanting to keep me there to tube feed me, and Maya and I ran out, then the police came to our home to bring us to another hospital where we stayed there for like 6 hrs until they deemed us sane enough to go home i was around 65 lbs at that time, and wasnt eating AT ALL, nothing for 10 days! then went into renfrew IP like 2 or 3 days later, even sicker.

being wheeled in a wheel chair on bedrest for about 2 weeks in IP and holding my twins hand and crying as we were being wheeled to our separate rooms...

having a temperature of 90 degrees and having a nurse wrap me in a heating blanket and sit by my bed most of the night in IP...while the nurse kept telling me how her 5 year old son weighs more than me...

on my admission day in IP 08 being wheeled outside when the fire alarm went off, and a whole group of girls stood there and stared at me with their mouths open, and one girl i knew from a previous stay there, adn she started to cry.

having kids at school refer to Maya and I as "those anorexic twins" :(

a few months ago in trader joe's a handicapped woman was staring at me, and asked her caregiver "why is she so skinny, whats wrong with her?" & the caregiver looked at me in disgust and wispered something to the handicapped woman.... :/

having boys outside the college i was going to go to, but dropped out of, sing a song about eating food etc and laughing at maya and i. :(

smoking a cigg, and a guy telling Maya and i that we need to quit and go eat something, ha he said "go eat a banana" not funny, but a banana? lol...

starving this whole summer, depressed and just so so many bad memories of being miserable, and my mom threatening to throw me out of the house...

my dad crying when coming to see me in IP, and my step mom, looking at me, and just walking away after barely a minute with the most disgusted and pitied look on her face, like she felt bad for me and thought i was a discrace :(

when i was 15 doing the maudsley approach, my dad forcing me to eat so much, and me running away from the table, and hiding...and being made once to eat a 1200 cal slice of cheesecake, and then trying to throw it up...(i am not bulimic at all, that was the only time i ever tried to do that) but that was helllll!!

ahhhhhh that was a lot, and so hard to think back to all of these things, i could go on and on...there are so many horrible things....5 yrs of this crap....