ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one)

OK on acount of how the first "ED Recovery Club" was not helping most of us, I have decided to start a new one... The rules are simple: this is for advice and help only! Absolutely NO complaining about:

"oh no, I ate over 100 calories today!"

"I weigh 56lbs soaking wet, I am so fat!"

"I tried to binge/purge 3 jars of peanut butter!"

NO NO NO!!

This is for people who actually WANT to recover. All you are doing when you post these comments is hindering your recovery progress and the progress of others.

Lets focus on how to regain a healthy body and mind, whether you suffer from anorexia, bulemia, BED, bigorexia, orthorexia or any other ED-NOS.. we are here to help

Please girls (and guys), we all have the potential to be happy and beautiful, don't let food control and ruin your life.

I look forward to hearing back from everyone.

Take care. x0x

I can totally relate about the binging at home alone thing. I hated myself when I was doing that. So I just try to avoid being alone altogether lol.

WAHEY I'm okay to go to New York =D My blood pressure and pulse has gone up so as long as I keep it up I'll be fine. I'm so excited! Never been anywhere in America before. I don't know how long the flight is but it means i'll have to eat plane food. yuck. lol. anyone know what the weather's like? it's horrible over here, it'd be nice to be somewhere sunny! I'm getting weighed later today though, I might ask him to do a blind reading so I don't get all depressed if it's gone up. I hate not knowing though. but eeee I'm exctied!

cat-girl:

Emotional stability: fairly good, by my standards, though it could really stand some improvement. I'm working on that. Going to clean up my apartment today (though I did some of that already) which generally improves my outlook.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store, which is 1.3 miles away. I walked, and walked back; on the way back I was carrying about 15 pounds in a sack. It really helped ease my guilt about dinner; I knew I burned some calories walking 2.6 miles and half of it carrying a bag full of groceries. (And I had to walk fast enough that the perishables wouldn't get too warm.) Plus, that's about, oh, 0.1 gallons of gas saved... if what I do helps the environment, even in a small way, it makes me feel better about it. I eat mostly organic stuff, with a few things purchased in regular form to save money. Switched out my 150 cal/serving grain with one that's 180/serving, mostly because the nutritional profile is better... it doesn't sound like much, but that's a big deal for me. Fat intake percentage is around 15% now, up from 5%-10%, and I think 15% is good for me, because it's high enough, but low so I can get more protein. Which is also now in the 15% range, but I'd like it over 20%.

Still not maintaining, but my weight loss has slowed a little bit, down from 3.5 pounds a week to 2 pounds a week. My next step is bringing that down to 1, then 0.5, then 0, and I have to do it fairly quickly (by mid-August) so I don't drop under my limit. I picked my lower limit with purpose. It's high enough that I'm not diagnostically underweight; it's low enough that I won't panic and think it's too high; and it's far enough above 99 that I won't be  very tempted towards it.

I do need a little support for not resetting the lower limit to a lower number, though. I already did it once, while still keeping with my overall idea of ranges. But it can't go any lower without extra risk.

I'm buying a 1-month trial gym membership later today, so I can start building back a little bit of muscle (and meet people who are health-conscious like myself, improving my social life). I'm watching my body fat percentage closely and I feel that if I can edge it down a little and then hold it where I want it (medically acceptable but at the bottom edge of that), the number on the scale will matter less. Plus, it should help my metabolism and help me eat a little more. Yesterday's exercise made it easier to eat, so I think this will continue.

*pops in*  How's everyone doing? 

Well, I've been doing great so far, but the doubts are beginning to creep back in, as I expected they would.  I know I've gained a couple pounds, though I haven't weighed myself for a while, and I'm really beginning to feel guilty about what I eat.  We've had company over the past few days, so my mom has gone completely crazy buying all kinds of junk food at the grocery store.  I swear, she goes there nearly every day.  our kitchen is absolutely chock full of muffins, coffee cake, cookies, ice cream, pizza, chips, cheese dip, M&M's, and others.  I've allowed myself to indulge a little bit, but I hate feeling like all I'm eating is junk food, and having it all here in the house makes me EXTREMELY nervous, especially when I'm left alone. 

Anyone else have a problem like this?  I just wish my mom would calm down and let me make my own, at least semi-healthy meals.  I hardly had ANY protein yesterday.  I know I said I wasn't keeping track; it's just something I noticed, and it's probably not good.

hi Crystal!  I think I know what you're talking aobut.  Periodically my mother does a major bout of "food processing" where she cooks down and freezes all sorts of things and cooks and bakes and fills the fridge.  Since I've been watching what I'm eating (first in an attempt to lose weight, now just to be healthy) it is really hard to come into the kitchen and be confronted with such massive quantities of food. Personally, I know that if I let myself have even a nibble then i won't be able to resist, so I just make sure that  keep in mind that it is 'off limits."  Then I don't crave it.  but that is just how it works for me...

This morning I was only a pound away from the new [and hopefully final] goal my doc set.  I have to keep telling myself that it's alright and that I feel and look great, but I'm having some trouble making myself eat.  I still have to gain weight, but the temptation is to begin cutting calories and holding steady at this weight.  I don't feel actively bad about it or anything - this is more a mental, internal argument. But oh well.  I did a good workout with my mother this morning and boy, it  does wonders for mental health to see myself fit and graceful.  I never could have imagined that these 6+ lbs would be so unobjectionable!

Wishing everybody the best,

oOo ouch guys that sucks (i mean the huge quantities of junk food, not your progress lol just to clear) I deffinately do not want to gain weight by eating garbage... right now I pretty much have NOTHING in my house when it comes to food, and I am wondering why my mom isn't being more supportive towards my recovering by buying, well, food! I am looking forward to the day that we go grocery shopping or to costco. I really want to eat normally again, but the only way that I will eat enough is if people are making and/or watching me. If nobody is there I cannot bring myself to eat more than like 800-1000calories a day. I want to do this for me, but it seems that I need more motivation from the outside, and right now it also seems that I am doing this more for my mom but she isn't being very encouraging, like I need more force or I just go back to old habits...

...oh and has anyone seen the documentary/movie "Thin", if you havent I suggest you watch it. It is about a bunch of people with EDs in a clinic to help them... It really makes you want to recover, because you do not want to be in that position. It seems horrible, I actually started crying at one point. But it really motivates you because you do not want to be like these girls; they look sick and pale and just overally pathetic. So if you are still associating skinney as beautiful.. watch this movie please, you will change your perspective.

anyone seen it? tell me your thoughts...

I had a bad day. A lot of old feelings came back that had been bothering me before, stuff that makes me think that changing my life in ways to improve it is largely hopeless, and I backslid a bit. I want to learn a different way to deal with the pain of being alone, but the only thing I know to work is starving myself to dull how awful it feels. I need something else, but honestly, I'm afraid that if I give this up, I'm going to turn to outright self-injury as a replacement, and that would be worse. I need something constructive. I know it's probably time for me to go to a counselor but I found out for sure that my insurance absolutely will not cover it. Psychiatry and medication is covered, but I am adamant that I do not want medication, and I don't have a problem that medication can control; it's not a brain chemical imbalance, it's a purely psychological issue. I refuse to take meds that I don't absolutely need. What I need is counseling and I don't have $100+ a week to spend on it.

For me this is having less and less to do with appearance and more to do with managing how badly my life is going nowhere and giving myself something else to focus on. Or maybe if I was really, really skinny it would be a conversation starter :/

hi i'm also recovering from my ed, and i'm so glad this chain is going on, i really need the support right now.  i'm going off to college and leaving all the therapy that i have.  i have been slipping slowly deeper into this stupid eating disorder and i can't let myself get too far into it.  it's great to see people supporting each other through this.

o by the way the "THIN DOCUMENTARY"that u are talking about,  well that was the Renfrew eating disorder clinic in florida, i've been to the one in Philly.  it didn't help me b/c at the time i wasn't willing but if anyone is willing to get better u should check into Renfrew, it helped a lot of my friends that i went there with and some are living Eating disorder free lives and are happy.

I feel dumb because I didn't know about this.

Anyway, my therapist gave me a rule now that I can only purge three times a week. She wants me to really think about it and question if purging is really worth it. I'm a little nervous about it but I think I can do it.

The "THIN" documentary made me really want to recover too. I was contemplating recovery at the time but it was one of those things that really made me step back and say "wow."
I highly recommend it to everyone struggling with an ED.

I just wanted to say that reading how you are fighting for your recovery is incredibly inspirational to me, and I hope one day I will be able to face recovery + weight gain with the same determination as some of you.

After hitting my low number I was in a really low place...and since then I gained weight slowly. Just a bit to keep myself out of hospital as my GP was telling me if I kept losing I would BE in the hospital...

This was alright, but then very recently binging set in. My GP was pleased and just thought I was gaining weight on my own occord but I wasn't. I was doing it in an uncomfortable way, bingebingebinge, and consequently bloating and fat going straight to my belly. I just freaked out when I realized what I'd done and set back into old habits. D:

Just a friendly suggestion:
not mentioning stats (weights at heights) maybe?
as it may trigger some people into relapsing Thank you =)

and on a personal note... agh I hate relapsing :'(
well... the hard bit is recovering after a relapse

I can do the partial recovery after a relapse pretty well if I can start it. The problem is I never fully recover, and it just takes one big bad thing, or a stream of small bad things, to snap me right back. I've had this stupid thing since 1997 - ED-NOS to anorexia back to ED-NOS back to anorexia back to ED-NOS and on and on. Still ED-NOS right now. Technically.

But I had a strange thought today. I look like crap. The weight loss started to show in my face, and quickly - I went from chubby cheeks to looking kind of gaunt over just a few pounds. Five, at most. I don't understand it, especially since I'm retaining water right now! But in either case it's making me look older and less vibrant.

I still don't want to gain and I still don't want to stop right where I am, but at least seeing some digital pictures I snapped of myself and looking in the glass of my car window made me realize that continuing to lower the target weight is a bad idea, and if I'm unhappy with a couple of body parts (I am) then the solution is to lift weights and do lots of cardio, not keep dieting in hopes that the fat will just melt off and miraculously spare the muscle underneath. I'll just tell myself that I'm not a loser for not beating my old low weight, because it would be stupid to try. I'll settle into my target weight and stay there for awhile. Might gain muscle later, but right now that's too much for me to handle.

Increasing calories by 50/day today. This won't put me even close to the minimum, but it'll be the first time I'll have broken my old count in several weeks. Not very happy with that, but if I don't, then I'll have to jump up to maintenance over a few days instead of weeks, and that's almost guaranteed to cause me problems, so this is the lesser of two uncomfortable choices.

Or maybe if I was really, really skinny it would be a conversation starter

jainasolo this sounds like what you want more than anything right now is to be noticed.. to get attention.. to be loved. Perhaps spending some time and talking with a close friend or family member would help you realize that you are not alone. Tell them how you feel, sometimes it is better to put things out in the open so that others can reach out and help you. DO NOT resort to hurting yourself, please, that will just make things worse. Maybe therapy would be a good idea, because EDs are usually triggered by an emotional/mental issue that must be dealt with before you will ever be able to get on with your life and be truly happy again.... Maybe get all dressed up in something that makes you feel beautiful in, and go out on the town, maybe you will meet someone who will like you for you and these negative feelings may subside... You must recover for you, no one else can make you. This is a personal dissision that you must make for yourself. Think about it do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? There is so much that you will miss out on, is this really worth it? Does this make you feel better? Does this make you a better person? Will fitting into children size clothes make any difference in the world?

and I agree with sasha_nagra. Please refrain from "trigger comments" it makes it hard for the rest of us, as well as yourself to recover. This is for YOUR benefit, please don't hinder your progress and the progress of others. Think positive people!! :) happy thoughts! Take it one day at a time, don't overwhelm yourself.

Thank you, and no, I don't want to live like this - and I have made some improvements. I stopped thinking that thinner is ALWAYS better and realized that there's a point at which it can go too far. And I'm trying hard to avoid that place. But I can't handle not being thin, not yet.

Part of my problem is that I was missing out at a higher weight, too, so it's almost a no-win situation. But if I can just stop soon, and stay put, then maybe I'll be able to change that.

Does it make me feel better - sadly, yes. If it didn't, I wouldn't do it. Instead of trying to stop right now (setup for a relapse), I'm trying to let go little by little and very slowly try to meet people and convince myself that no, I don't need to lose another XX pounds to get a man, and in fact, it would probably be detrimental if I did. That, and the knowledge that my periods are going to stop very soon and possibly damage my long-term fertility further if I don't get back to maintenance as quickly as I can psychologically tolerate, are the only things that are helping me right now.

I'm looking into lower-cost counseling to see if there's anything I can pay for. Maybe once every two weeks instead of once a week would be workable.

In response to sasha_nagra, that's probably a good idea about not mentioning stats...and I edited my post. :)

Hi! Hope everyone is hanging in there and staying strong!

I'm in recovery and over the past 2 months I'd been doing really well! Maintaining weight. Eating enough calories. Limited behavior use. Recently some behaviors have resurfaced. Behaviors I haven't used in years! It's embarassing and I hate it so much. I don't know what to do with myself. This is more or less me just venting. I'm commited to making today a good day. So this is my reliability!

- Erica

Just wanted to say thanks for all your posts, they've been quite interesting to me!  I have always been overweight but have suffered from ED issues since I was 15.  Every time I try to lose the weight healthily, bad thoughts and behaviors start to creep up on me.  My therapist knows about the badness (restricting very low, very negative self-talk, unrealistic body whatnot, etc.) but seems to think it's no big deal because I am overweight.  My mom is ED and refuses to accept it is bad.  So I'm fighting this on my own.

I was struggling with myself today.  I kept getting out food and putting it away to the point where my dad just kicked me out of the kitchen and made me a sandwich like he does my 2 1/2 year old brother.  It was really humiliating and it made me realize I'm slipping again.  Reading your posts and everything you guys have gone through has steeled my resolve to be healthy, at least for today.  Thanks.

random question:

what do you say when people say "you've lost so much weight!" I'm not really sure if they intend it in a good or bad way :s cos I'm not underweight. I don't really know what to reply when people say that. Normally it'd bea pause and then either "Thanks" or "have I?". so I was just wondering what you guys would say.

Sasha xxx

oh yeah and New York Tomorrow WOO!! =D