ED Recovery Club II (the REAL one)

OK on acount of how the first "ED Recovery Club" was not helping most of us, I have decided to start a new one... The rules are simple: this is for advice and help only! Absolutely NO complaining about:

"oh no, I ate over 100 calories today!"

"I weigh 56lbs soaking wet, I am so fat!"

"I tried to binge/purge 3 jars of peanut butter!"

NO NO NO!!

This is for people who actually WANT to recover. All you are doing when you post these comments is hindering your recovery progress and the progress of others.

Lets focus on how to regain a healthy body and mind, whether you suffer from anorexia, bulemia, BED, bigorexia, orthorexia or any other ED-NOS.. we are here to help

Please girls (and guys), we all have the potential to be happy and beautiful, don't let food control and ruin your life.

I look forward to hearing back from everyone.

Take care. x0x

carmenxox, I'm doing pretty well right now, actually.  Well, in terms of my attitude toward eating and gaining weight.  I've been avoiding scales and mirrors, but I really feel better about myself than I have in a long time, even though I can see myself getting bigger.  In my case, bigger means healthier.

My problem right now is my incredibly low self-esteem.  I feel like a failure at almost everything I do (this played a major role in the development of my anorexia in the first place).  Now I need to work on finding out who I am and not being afraid to show that person to others.

And giving up the calorie counting is GREAT advice.  Since I stopped counting calories a couple of weeks ago, I have so much more free time to do and think about other, more productive things.  Plus, I'm not stressed out all the time and afraid of food.

Hope everyone is doing well! 

Depending on which eating disorder you're entertaining, "it's great advice"... doesn't work nearly as well for compulsive overeaters!  :-)

carmenxox: as a matter of fact, yes, this bf is a jerk, constantly telling my friend that she's fat. it's not only her he comments on though, even I and people around her have been called fat by him. and to someone who has an ED, this is extremely triggering. ironically, he should be sympathetic as he was fat when he was younger. i just don't understand the mentality of some people. I think my friend is clinging on to him for security, or an excuse for her to not cure her ED.

subwaybusker that's horrible! that is not the kind of reply that I wanted... NO. Please please help your friend. She needs to be away from this kind of person. In the long run he is killing her. The worse she feels about herself the more she will suffer. Please for her sake, get her out of this!

...so for those of you who have been reading some of my recent posts it probably sounds as though i am on the right track in recovering right? well yeah i will have to admit that i am getting better, and not weighing yourself everyday, HELPS soo much! but i still can only seem to eat enough now if i am with people, and it is really hard for me to break 1000cal/day even though I am aiming for at least 1200 (but to gain weight i will need to eat even more than that). If i start eating something 'unplanned' i get scared, spit it out and stop. It is like I am only doing this for them instead of me. If i am by myself i resort to my old ways (ie: eating mainly very low calorie vegetables, sugar-free jello and diet pop... "safe foods") ...anyone else feel that the only reason that they want to recover is to please others? ...and anyone who has gotten past this stage, how do you stay motivated to be healthy/normal?

so the last 4 months i thought i was being healthy by eating at least 1000 calories, and no more than 1200 with exercise (50 minutes of cardio, or running anywhere from 4-8 miles, 6 times a week). I then started walking to the gym, which would add an additional amount of burned calories- you get where im going with this.... it came to my realization I was at the end of the day, I was getting WAY less than I should be in me (after minusing what I burned).
I'm so worried. This week I've upped everything. Is this safe? I want to continue being active because I love it, but I have I done too much damage for too long? I'm not underweight... so I'm not trying (nor do I need to) gain weight. I want to continue my progress, but obviously more safe now. Will upping my food intake be okay ? I just can't seem to find any support or answers I really can relate to. Thanks

As long as your calorie deficit is 1000 calories or less, you're getting at least 1200, and you're not underweight, there's no big cause for alarm (physically - not necessarily psychologically). But if you're getting kind of close to underweight despite not being there yet (sheepishly raises hand) - the deficit should be closer to zero. Of course, I'm a big hypocrite for saying that because mine is 800-ish, but I DID at least bring it under 1000, so it's a start...

Unless you're really, really overexercising, there's no reason to cut back on it. But you would be better off upping intake to match it so that your weight stays stable. But ask a doctor or at least a good trainer for further advice because everybody's situation is a little different and nobody matches average charts exactly.

carmenvox, I don't know. I'm the exact opposite; I can usually only eat in private, although I do allow myself to have one piece of fruit in front of co-workers, and I finally got over my fear of buying gum. This is because gum rings up as "candy" (I have to ring it up myself, because I'm alone on my shift, but I have to actually pay and show the "fake" receipt when the next worker comes in because I can't put my own money in the till) and I'm afraid they'll think I'm buying candy... but I figured they see the packages of gum in my supply drawer, and they know I'm vegan and don't eat chocolate, so they know if I did eat candy it would be hard candy. Somehow that bothers me a lot less, because it's not really eating, it's sucking on a piece of fruit-flavored sugar.

Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with sticking to safe foods, at least at first, as long as they're becoming more nutritionally complete. It depends on what one's safe foods are. Mine include pretty much everything vegan, although I avoid nuts and include only the tiniest amounts of meticulously measured seeds or oils. I can eat more calories and get more nutrients when I stay with my safe foods and I think that's healthier than the alternative, although I'm trying very slowly to add one or two new things a week; this week I bought molasses, because white sugar feels too much like indulgence, but I can tell myself "yes, it's 45 calories, but you can budget that into the day, and it's 20% of your daily iron needs, and 15% of calcium."

I'm not recovering for others because right now nobody in my life knows I have an ED in the first place. I'm still technically at a healthy weight, although I look less if I'm wearing baggy pants because I have a bony torso and more "meat" on my legs (it's not all fat, but it's not all bulging muscle either). My co-workers think I'm merely health-conscious and picky and recovering from digestive problems, which is not untrue, just incomplete truth. My family knows that I used to have a problem but apparently am all better now. Then again, I'm 15 pounds lighter than the last time anybody saw me, and even then I had to explain all about my ulcers and my doctor's real instructions to avoid high-fat foods, wheat, and dairy in order to escape interrogation, so they might suspect a relapse now.

And I'm starting to get really concerned because my period is a little late. It could just be irregularity, and I did have my full PMS at the normal time - including non-psychological symptoms like constipation, water retention, and slight but noticeable acne breakouts. But after coming off medicinal birth control pills, they've been 28 days apart like clockwork, and I'm at 30 days now. Maybe I'm not at a healthy weight after all despite my BMI being medically okay... I've never menstruated below a certain low-but-within-acceptable-BMI weight at my current height in my entire life, and I've been this tall for 18 years. I thought I could sneak it in this time, but I guess not. I'm giving things another week to settle down, but since protecting my fertility is my #1 reason, tied with "don't want work performance to suffer too much," to keep my ED under control, if it turns out NOT to be just irregularity, then I'm going to have to get more aggressive with weight maintenance. And possibly consider slowly bulking up a pound or two... I can't do that yet, but lack of a period is probably the only thing that would scare me into doing it, so I think I'm very lucky that it's the first really bad symptom to show up.

(ETA: No chance of pregnancy - I've been abstinent for several years.)

Sorry this is so long :(

i'm impressed with how in tune you are with yourself, jainasolo. it definitely helps to know yourself.

I just wanted to drop in and thank jainasolo for contributing to this thread and being so informative and open.  I wish I could give you a  medal or something! : D

July was a really bad month for me and I feel like I'm coming out of it.
Problem is.. my friend seems to be trying to get an ED ever since I told her about mine a few weeks ago. I told her it was hell and most days were horrible but now she's acting like it is something she wants. She said she was barely eating. I freaked out and asked how much and she said 2,000 calories a day. I said "oh, I thought you meant less than 500" and she replied "less than 500? please, i don't have that much willpower!"
Mostly, I worry so much about her but at the same time I fear that with her talk of negative behavior, I will snap myself back into those behaviors.

peachy- swear to God, I am not stalking you -- I've been in this thread for a bit.  Just wanted to say hi and that now it's a little easier to 'get' your attitude re: some of the stuff we talked about in the other thread.  I'm not going to add anything because I've told you everything I can. 

It honestly never went through my head you were recovering ED . . . why do we all assume we're alone!

tuffghost-- I would point her toward something that would give her healthy advice about food and calories if she does want to lose weigh healthily.  Fitday.com is pretty good, similar to this site.

Seems like she doesn't realize the seriousness of what she's talking about (which is pretty . . . sandpaper-y?  I can't find the word, especially with first-hand info from a friend.).  She needs real information (her comment about willpower/500 calories . . . a regular person with the facts would say something more like, "I want to be healthy," or "I don't want to hurt myself."  And just poking around is going to lead her into a lot of Pro-ED BS on the net, not real information.

Other than that, I wouldn't get too 'involved' in her dealing with this.  In order to continue to be a good all-around person, you have to stay healthy and convinced in yourself.  Hope that's helpful.

carmenxox-  i feel the same way..... i'm only trying to get better to please others.... that's why i am worried about going away to college this year.. i find that when i am away from home i tend going into restrictive habits but when i am home i end up feeling guilty about my habits which sometimes leads to a binge.    i don't really have any good advice or anything but i just wanted to let u know that u are not alone in feeling that way.   i wish i was good at advice, sorry.

caz1983-  I dont tihnk youre stalking me, plus... i love your insight.  you're awesome :)

are you recovering too?

Thank you subwaybusker and aimengzi - I just wish that I had something more positive to report, like being able to say that I'm actually almost recovered now. I guess that when I'm being totally honest, I'm doing a lot better than a couple of years ago. But there's still so much left to do.

fieldhockey89 - do you think that maybe finding an on-campus support group would help you? Some people find the accountability very helpful and for others it doesn't really help and might bring out their competitive side, so it depends on you, but it's something to look into. And a school counselor might be able to point you in the direction of free or reduced-cost resources for support.

Perhaps I should try 100 cals up, and just stay off the scale for a few days. I'm going to do that, instead of 50/day every 3-5 days. That's not going to be enough to stop me before things get worse. 100 might be.

Someday I'll be able to eat without counting every tiny thing and being a human calculator that's always powered up. Right now my goal is just to stop losing, dammit.

Thanks caz, that does help.
The main problem is that she's already underweight. But also her comment about willpower comes from the wrong end because most people with EDs know that willpower is not really what is controlling the choice to starve yourself. I can't explain what is but willpower is not it. 

The New and Improved but Still Inadequate diet is... going, I guess. I'm nervous about it but sticking to it because the alternative, staying WAY too low forever, is worse.

I'm really trying hard to get over this without using my usual method of simple denial. That always causes trouble, because it involves me actively ignoring the fact that I have an ED, and pretending I don't, and my weight skyrockets that way. Which sets me up for a relapse. And I don't WANT that this time. I want to get over it even if that means letting go little by little and actually dealing with the s*** that got me here in the first place, because we really can't do much with our lives when so much of them is taken up by something else. I'm not so much food-obsessed as numbers-obsessed, I guess - I won't think about a particular food but I can literally make calculations for hours about what I'll weigh on what date on what plan.

I reached the set weight that I promised myself I wouldn't go below, so now everything's gotten a lot trickier. On one hand, the pressure to keep losing is now off. On the other hand, it's forcing me to true maintenance faster than I want to. ASAP, basically. But I'm giving it an honest effort, and if I do sink below (X), then I'm returning to it - but ONLY by very slow muscle gain.

I'm happy to report that my period DID come after all - just late and in a sort of atypical fashion. It really made me stop and think about everything I'd be throwing away if I continued to lose indefinitely, and sort of renewed my commitment to staying at least somewhat healthy. Easier said than done, but I'm feeling a bit less bad about the whole thing.

tuffghost--yikes.  didn't realize she was already underweight.  Pointing her toward some healthy information still might help.  I absolutely know what you mean, it's not willpower (her saying this was the HUGE clue she is not thinking healthily about food).  For me it was panic and terror and worry -- and then, when bingeing -- absolute hatred. 

I think talking more about eating healthier rather than counting calories would be helpful for her.  "Cutting down" to 1800-2000 calories only seems like eating a little bit when you're eating total crap.  Calorie counting can only lead to badness.

I just want to reiterate about loving her but not getting too involved in making her see the light-- I have a couple people on my other blog site that I talk to that I know are triggering me and I have to cut ties.  And they're not even in real life.

jainasolo- I get what you're saying, especially about obsessing over numbers, calculations, and plans.  But I'm glad that at least sometimes you're thinking about it in a realtively healthy way-- in a wanting to improve way.  I hope you're doing well.

is there anyone else on here who thinks they may suffer from depresion? as in always feeling down and cryiing for no reason, wishing they weren't alive etc...?

hi Sasha, I've definately been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety-related issues.  I wish I could give you some sort of solace, but frankly some days it takes all my energy to just function.  The only thing I can say it that it may always be a problem, but it won't always be as big a problem  - you know what I mean? I have better days and I have worse days - just try to take care of yourself.
If you're feeling suicidal, even only at a theoretical level, you should try to talk to a therapist or somone who can help you.  Medication would certianly be something to consider.

All the best, catgirl