ED Recovery Struggles

I'm struggling right now.  I want to recover, but don't want to deal with the discomfort of it all.  I feel guilty for struggling as I have been hospitalized twice since december '06, tried two different day/partial programs, one after each hospitalization. Then I spent 3 months at an intensive program halfway across the country from where I live.  I have been home for about 4 1/2 weeks since the most recent round of treatment and am losing ground despite the help of an IOP program 3 nights a week.  I am running out of insurance and time.  I wish this wasn't such a battle, that there was something to keep me going beyond the walls of a treatment center.  I feel so lost and overwhelmed.  My thoughts have drifted back to calories and weight loss.  I am feeling powerless to it. 

The worst part is I had recovery for 3 years - between 2003 and 2006.  I just can't seem to get back to it.  It's as if something has happened to my brain!

How do you do it? 

Everyday I plan my meals (according to a dietician's guidelines), but can never seem to meet my meal plan.  I compensate for the meals I get at IOP because they seem like so much!  I know I can do better, but feel.....blocked somehow.  Scared.  To be sick and to be completely well, free of ED.  It's been my life for so many years, I'm afraid to let go.

Hey there,

First maybe you could stop with the beating yourself up bit. That's not going to help you get well at all, eh?

Now take a look back in your mind when you were recovering between 2003 and 2006. What were you focusing on then? What did you think about? What strategies worked for you? Go back to what worked for you then, and do it again.

I know I have to work recovery all the time. Sometimes I get resentful and think well this just isn't fair. And it's not, but hey it's not fair that my son has to take insulin, but if he doesn't take it, he'll die. Same thing with me, and with you. If we do not WORK our recoveries, we will die.

Here's how I do it.

In therapy, I worked very very VERY hard to identify my triggers. Some of them I am able to cut out of my life completely. For example, the way my crazy brain is wired, if I know what I weigh then the dragon rears its ugly head and BAM I'm out of recovery. So I don't own a scale and couldn't tell you what I weight.

Some of my triggers are more subtle, so I have to pay attention to things like stress at work, or negative thoughts about my body or compulsive behaviors like cutting precisely measured bits of food. Those are triggers or symptoms that I'm letting a trigger take over.

I have a couple of very dear friends who call me on it if I start to wither away--and I make it a point to eat most of my meals with people. That forces me to eat the foods I've planned to eat. As an additional bonus, I am also eating far healthier, since I pay a lot of attention to my nutrition.

You are far, far, far more than your eating disorder. That thing is ugly and wants only death and unhappiness for you. Turn into a dragon-slayer and kill that beast.

I understand and am sorry your struggling. Before I really tackled recovery and still struggle but the best I have done op and am moving forward I was ip,dp,op many times. I lived like you in 2 worlds of the fear of the ed yet fear of recovery. I had to realize after many ip stays I had the tools I learned ip but had to use them. For myself I looked for an easy answer or the key to recovery but that only lied with in me. I had to push through the fears and be willing to do what ever takes and not pick and choose parts of recovery. You can do this because you have done it before. You don't want to live your life going in and out of hospitals. You can never move forward. Now for the mp to start with I know how hard it is to stick to the mp but can you write it out each day with specific foods and when the time comes eat it like medicine? Then ways to cope and distract. Call a friend or go to a book store. Are you being honest with your iop team about your struggles? I know trusting the mp is hard but you can't trust the ed mindset. Can you write a list of goals and things you want from recovery? Are they helping you work on the issues around your ed? I had suffered severly for 12 years and am op doing recovery with op team though the fear and anxiety is high. For myself trying to focus on building a life outside the ed,following th plan like a job,and reaching out and using my voice. If you want a buddy you can email me. Please hang in there and face the fears.

Thank you for your feedback and insights:)

I find I am wanting recovery but only half doing it. I dropped some weight in the past week and my IOP center is concerned. They called my outside therapist and left her a message. I happened to see my T today so we spoke of the difficulty I am having. She doesn't have much confidence right now considering my situation - not working, very little structure, and lots of time alone. I am married, but sort of separated and I see my husband one or two days a week. We are working on the relationship, so even together he is only home on the weekends due to his career. I don't have much of a support system. I don't feel much able to really take on a real job at this point due to extreme anxiety either.

Contrary: Between 2003 and 2006 I was in school finishing my degree and living with my parents. During this time I met my husband, eventually moved in with him, and then we married in late 2005. It would be difficult to recreate the time! I do want to go back to school for something else, but must start out slowly just like I did last time.

Hope: I do plan my meals ahead of time, but somehow I 'change my mind' as the day progresses based on how I feel. Thinking of food as medicine is not a new concept, but I admit to never having actually tried it and I should! I have plenty of professional help from a therapist, psychiatrist, and nutritionist, in addition to 3 nights a week of IOP. I think they would like to switch me into a day program, but I may not have the insurance benefits for it.

I think I am partially in denial again right now. It's just the lure of ED is so damn strong and I feel as though there is nothing stopping me.

Before I decided to start recovery, I had no intention to ever change my "new way of life." I'm a senior in highschool. When people started to do applications for college two months ago, my parents said I couldn't go unless I put weight on. Boy, did that change my mind! :)

Try to get concrete motivation or make goals. Make a list and write down things you want to do and accomplish. Do you want to start a family? You may not be healthy enough physically or mentally to be able to - and even if you do, think of what a bad influence you would be to your children. Do you want to travel? Well, a part of travelling is trying different foods and being able to enjoy them.

I find that it's easy to think about food and get into the ED mindset if I'm not preoccupied or alone. My friends have always kept my spirits up, and school work and homework keep my mind on other things. I suggest taking up a hobby that keeps you busy that involves other people. Volunteer at a hospital, homeless shelter, or church. Join an organization. Get yourself out there! It's a great motivator to see all that life can offer outside the walls of your home. I wish you all the luck, hun!

Original Post by muttlover:

Before I decided to start recovery, I had no intention to ever change my "new way of life."

This sentence right here sums it all up for me. Before I decided to start recovery--I was stuck in the anorexia rut. I was the only one with the control and power to get me out of that rut and all I had to do was decide to start recovery.

Geeze that makes me sounds like I think recovery is easy and I don't; I lived it. It sucks giant donkey balls. But I had to decide to recover.

You're right, eroth, the circumstances you had previously in terms of school etc would be next to impossible to recreate. But what about the way you thought?

I am feeling completely sucked in right now.  I've got my husband complaining about money and I feel like a drain on him.  I don't even feel deserving of the treatment I currently have.  I keep returning to the same spot over and over again.  I won't say failure, because I know I've learned things along the way, I just don't seem to be using what I've learned.

It's good to be young muttlover, you still have the structure of high school, your friends, and activities to help you through.  I'm a bit older and have a lot of time alone.  I do want a family, but it seems so.....impossible.  I'm looking for some kind of volunteer work to edge my way back into the world, so that's a start.  Thanks for the suggestions. 

Contrary:  I thought I had decided to recover.  I went away to a residential type program, I put in the work, but something's not working right now and I don't know what!

As for the way I thought in the few years I did well:  Those days I was just getting through, mini crisis after mini crisis, but managing.  I was maintaining my weight most of the time, but on the verge of FREAK OUT! for half of it.  My thinking was, "I just have to get through this next project" and then another and another and getting married and then I graduated and everything stopped.  I stopped.  I lost it.  There was nothing left to 'get through' and I've been in an anorexic 'rut', as you called it, since the spring of '06.

I seem to lacking motivation, right now in particular, to follow my meal plan, and recoup the weight I've lost since leaving intensive treatment in october.  I'm not sure what to do next, I want to give up.

eroth412: Please do not give up!! I know that you think that this is such a struggle that you cant get grips on right now, but it will get better. Just think, when you are at your lowest low any bit of positiveness will only allow you to get better. I know this because I have days during my recovery (over the past 3 months) where I just want to curl up in the fetal position and stay there.

This is not the answer: You have to tell yourself that you are not going to let ED win this. You are in control EROTH, you are in control!!

And even though you have stress from your husband and family life and money and treatment, these things are only going to get better if you allow them to. Please have the courage and strength to pull through. I have faith in you and I dont even know you! HAA.

Anyway, when ever you feel like you are in a rut and you are going no where, ask yourself this question: DO I WANT TO LIVE? DO I WANT CONTROL OF MY LIFE? the answer should be yes...you deserve not only to take control from ED but you deserve to breath, sleep, and EAT, and be merry each and everyday of your life. Remember we are only given this life once, and we must make the best of it!

Hi. You can't give up hope. You have to find the smallest part of you that knows you have to be healthy and things can get better and continue to fight. I think for many years I was in the cycle of in and out of hospitals and the ed. I felt like you something was not working but I had to realize it was me. I had all the tools I learned in treatment and an outpatient team but I had to fight through the fears and do the things I didn't want to but had to. Its so hard I know and especially when life is going badly but running to the ed doesn't help those issues resolve. The strating point is to be healthy. The issues with your husband, can you do therapy together? Tell him how you feel. What are some small goals you can make to achieve more in your life. Like for ex you said school,hobbies to meet more people so on. So today what are some ways to stick to the mp? Trust me I'm here fighting through the voices too. I hear them but am choosing not to listen. You can too. We can all do this together!

Original Post by positivelinny:

Anyway, when ever you feel like you are in a rut and you are going no where, ask yourself this question: DO I WANT TO LIVE? DO I WANT CONTROL OF MY LIFE? the answer should be yes...you deserve not only to take control from ED but you deserve to breath, sleep, and EAT, and be merry each and everyday of your life.

Thank you for that. I do want to live and I do want control of my life. We can call this "the what". The next step is "the how". How I'm going to live and control my life, free of ED. It seems so very simple, but is in actuality very hard.

Hope: I think you're right. The something that isn't working is me! I'm not doing all I can because I live in fear. I fear letting go of ED, I fear total recovery. To me, it's like going to work or school or just being in public totally exposed, NAKED. Like that nightmare we all have at some time or another.

What got you to the point where you finally just started doing it?

My husband and I go to therapy periodically. I actually set up an appt. for us next weekend. He is willing to go, but not quite invested in the process unfortunately.

I would like to return to school in january to start taking some prerequisites for a graduate program I am thinking of doing the following january. I do yoga 1 - 2 times a week and I also figure skate once a week. I would like to volunteer, but am a little bit afraid to try. I knit and want to learn how to paint better as I am self taught and feel really limited in what I can do with the paintbrush! There are classes starting in the winter I am interested in. I just need to stop sliding, because if I get sick again I can't do anything! I very good at sabotaging myself which is kinda whats going on now. I may be overwhelming myself with too many plans, thinking too much about the future and meanwhile doing very little in the present.

I didn't do so good with my meal plan today. I just didn't get in enough and feel as though it is too late in the day to rectify that. I have an extreme aversion to eating after a certain time at night, even though logically I know it's nonsense. I can't seem to convince ED of that!

I need to:

chuck the scale

Stop fixating on calories and nutrient proportions (carbs vs. protein vs. fat)

meal plan appropriately according to prescribed meal plan and not what I "think" I should have

Am I really willing to do these things?????????????? It feels like such a huge undertaking right now. I was doing my meal plan relatively well just a few weeks ago, but the scale and counting calories compulsively have been a consistent problem. Grrrr. Any suggestions?

I'm quite anxious today, but trying to think positive.

My case worker from the 3 night a week program I attend (IOP: includes 2 groups and dinner) called my therapist and left a message stating she was concerned about my recent decline. By now I'm assuming the two have spoken and I will have to face some sort of result of that this evening at program.

On top of that - tonight's meal at program is a prelude to thanksgiving and its much more than I plan to do for thanksgiving myself. Yikes.

In a way this program may be backfiring because I restrict more on program days than others as a way to compensate for the dinners which are 2 - 3 times larger than what I prepare for myself. Somehow I am not learning that what is meant to be taken away from this experience!

Has anyone tried anything like this and been successful?

I fear I may be booted from the evening program and forced into day treatment, which I cannot afford. I am also afraid to gain back weight, which is probably unavoidable in day treatment.

Why am I so freaking messed up?

Hey there, again lets stop with the beating yourself up. Can you be kind to yourself? Would you talk like this to a dear friend? I'm guessing not.

My recovery was not easy but as others have posted upthread, I decided I did want to live. But I'll be honest, I sure didn't feel like it. So (again at the risk of sounding like a cliche), I decided I would fake feeling like I wanted to recover.

Cheesy, yes. But it ultimately did work for me. As I gained weight and as I worked through the crap that started my downward spiral, I did eventually FEEL it too.

Those who don't have EDs usually don't realize how much energy they take to maintain--physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You've got to be just exhausted from all of this. As you continue to move down your recovery path (because honestly, Eroth, I do think you are choosing life and recovery otherwise you wouldn't keep posting here), you will end up with a lot more energy across the board for everything you love.

HUGE hugs to you.

By the looks of your posts - you are obviously older. I am 34, and find myself often looking over the posts - but not commenting. What I will say, is that I am in the middle of an ED struggle too. Trying to manage a full time job, a husband, three kids, weekly counseling for something other than an ED - and now they are wanting me to pursue the ED more. It can be over-whelming. It frustrates me to see when people are turned off by the desperation of persons in the thick of an ED - or statements like "why dont you just eat more, or go get a big mac". I can feel your pain. I feel your place. And though I am really  not in a place to give "words of wisdom", I share with you my support.

I would like to be kinder to myself, though my actions speak otherwise.  I have been reading affirmations hoping they sink in and spur positive action.

laurelg1:  Thanks for the support.  I am not older than you, by the way!  Just a couple years younger, actually.

I ate regularly today, but still not nearly enough to sustain my weight.  My nutritionist expressed concern today over what's been going on and what could happen if I don't stop losing weight at the rate I have been the past month.  She was blunt, to say the least.

I just wish I could pinpoint what's beneath this slip/relapse.

I know I'm scared of a lot of things and logically anorexia is no way to cope.  But anorexia is not a logical disease and something about it must be working better than rational and healthy coping skills.

I'm starting to sound like an enlightened anorexic that can talk and talk and talk, but won't do the next right thing - eat properly! 

Ha that's a very good description of an enlightened anorexic!

You said you know you're scared, and that you know logically that anorexia is no way to cope. But I'd suggest the reason you listen to this disease is because it's the one area you feel like you CAN control and you DO have power.

There's also the admittedly sick allure of getting all kinds of attention when I was at my worst. People fussed over me, my lord they fussed. And that just fed the disease.

Just as a recovering alcoholic must choose each day, and sometimes each minute, to stay sober--you and I must choose to live. And living means eating. Otherwise you're committing suicide.

At your core, I do not believe this is how you want to live.

Sorry - I didnt mean to say that you were older than me - Just that you weren't a teenager. Hearing about adults with anorexia occurs much more seldom - not that it occurs less, just seems to have less emphasis. I know what you mean by "being fed". Usually the few days before my dr visits, I feel like I need to restrict - then I reason things out... Anyway... Hope you are doing well.

It's been a few days, sorry :0

I'm still struggling.  I am not succeeding in fighting the "voices" that tell me to lose weight.   I even admitted as such to my psychiatrist and he just shook his head at me.  He's seen me spiral down before and after 3 months at a treatment facility (fairly recently), I don't think he knows what to do with me anymore.  I don't like being a lost cause, but feel powerless against ED.

I had a decent thanksgiving.  It was just my husband and I.  We decided it would be most comfortable to avoid extended families this year.  For me it was better - I didn't worry as much about what was being served because I prepared it myself.  I did a poor job of following my meal-plan prior to the thanksgiving meal..................  I guess I was still a bit freaked out about eating different foods than I normally do.  Eating today was hard as well because my husband wanted to go out to lunch and I'm afraid I've eaten too much when realistically I know it probably isn't enough.

I feel like my brain is split in two, playing tug of war with each other.  Me vs. ED.  I'm getting tired.  Every day I tug on the rope, but it never seems to be enough to win the war.  I feel pathological, really.  I tell my doc and nutri I'll do better, but then I don't.  Why?  Why bother even going to these appts. if I don't follow recommendations.  I can't figure out if it's just willfulness or that I really can't.

 

 

Hi eroth412, I feel compelled to reply to your thread but I don't know what to say.  I was on the cusp of anexoria several times in my adult life but by the grace of God, did not fully go down that path.  My mom and doctor intervened.  Looking back it was during periods of my life when everything around me was spinning out of control.  You have received some very wise and supportive consul by way of the responses you have received and it sounds like you really do know deep down that the reason you have been troubled with your recovery this time around is because you identify with it or rather, let the disease identify you.  I now understand how powerful our minds are and the control that anexoria has.  I know it's easier said than done and if you have never been thru it, it's virtually impossible to understand.

Listening to you, it seems that you are a very strong individual but are looking for band-aids.  Perhaps it is time to let go of your marriage and concentrate only on your personal needs.  Not the needs of others or of a relationship.  Once I put myself first (after making several very hard decisions) I was able to finally cope with the disorder.  I know this sounds very harsh but since we, as individuals, are the only ones that can control (so we think) ourselves, perhaps  it would be beneficial to put yourself first.  If for some reason you can grasp that concept without guilt then you have a wonderful support system to help you thru it. 

Please remember, YOU are soooo worth it and once you realize this and get the help and support you need, YOU will be in a much better position to involve yourself in a healthy long term relationship.

My thought and prayers are with you and all who are reaching out to deal with ED.