When did I become emaciated?

I am having trouble getting up the four flights of stairs to my apartment every day without having heart palpitations. 

I struggle even with walking across campus to my classes.

I avoid doing laundry because I can't lift an empty basket, let alone a full one.

I get dizzy, my head constantly aches, my hair is falling out.

I get bruises, everywhere.  For no apparent reason.

I used to run four miles a day on 500 calories.  I thought I was strong.  Now?

I can't get up from a sitting position without holding on to something.

It has taken its toll.

I had no idea.  I thought I was at my "skinny happy healthy" weight.  My clothes fit again (though oddly loose).  I didn't weigh myself.

I got weighed today.  I went to the doctor to find out why I am so weak (though I had an inkling).

5'10".  109 pounds.  BMI 15.6.  Officially anorexic.  Officially in the "you could die at any moment" stage.

I had no idea it was so out of control.  I am about 20 pounds under my "skinny happy healthy" weight.  How did this happen?  I think this is the biggest smack in the face Reality has ever given me.

Next week, I will be working with a team of eating disorder specialists. 

I am so scared, so confused, so surprised.  I can't believe this happened.  There is no point to the post, really.  Just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same terror.  I want to get healthy again, everyone is so worried.  Yet, it will take so much strength.  Just needed to let this out...

Oh my dear *hug* I am so sorry to see this post from such a lovely young lady. I must admit, I did peak at your other posts. Even I, a stranger, am annoyed with the jealous "best friend" you mentioned who had nothing nice to say and should have said nothing at all. We all gain weight the first year of college and try to lose it so I'm sure she experienced this too. Anyways, how rude of her and anyone else who opened their big mouths. Ignore these people- they can't make you any less beautiful or fabulous just by spewing words.

I must say how wonderful it is that you accepted the Reality Check and are going to get help and change. Don't be afraid to cry, don't be afraid to scream, don't be afraid to talk it out. Find some reliable, caring people that you can turn to any time you feel like letting bad habits and bad thoughts take over. You are going to be fine. In fact you're going to be better than fine because you're going to get back to your happy, comfortable weight you mentioned at 130. (and ya know what, even though it's a little low to most of the people on this site, if that's where you have to be for awhile to stay away from where you've found yourself now then go for it!)

Be proud of your progess. This is step one- realizing that you're not where you want to be. I have every confidence that you will get back on track and be successful in your college life and the career life that will follow. Best wishes sweetie!

with respect you were driving full speed into this place back in april when you posted about starving and feeling miserable. you were told then how much to eat. that you persisted in doing what you did makes you responsible for being in this awful place. there is only so much a forum like this can do. you asked for answers - you got them, you ignored them and now you are back acting as though you suddenly woke up and found yourself in this heartbreaking place?

come on? assume some responsibility here.

the advice remains the same. work with your team. and be aware that you are in control of all your actions. good and bad. if you dont like where you are. change it

To the OP: I'm sorry you are going through this, but I am glad you are getting the help you need. It will indeed be scary, but it is a fight for your life and anything in terms with that will be hard at times, but you can do it. It's either fight or give in..but giving in only leads to death. You are young and you deserve a full life, don't let ED take that away from you. I am proud you sought out help.

Fidget, sometimes even if we somewhat know our actions we never really come to terms with it until it is at it's worst. As you know, that ED voice is one strong Mofo (Ha) and it leads us to keep doing what deep down we know isn't right, but we fight that rational part of our brains to feed into ED's so called *wise* words of despair. Back when I was at my worst, even though I had a counselor try to get me help, my whole family crying for me to get help, neighbors and friends pleading with me, I did not listen. I kept saying I was "fine." and I kept pushing myself to prove it. I was moving so I thought all must be well even though my legs were so weak I could not pick them up and  I could hardly get up stairs or put on a pair or pants or underwear without sitting down. Not to mention using the bathroom and having to grip the sink counter to pull myself up. If I fell, I had to have someone pick me up, etc. Even though all of this was going on I was still "fine." and in denial and I wouldn't stop. It was only at my worst that I asked for help because I couldn't live like that anymore and I knew it, but I was still oblivious in saying that I had an ED. It was only when I was in ICU for 3 weeks with a feeding tube surgically put into my heart and having them tell me that it's a good thing that I got there when I did or I would have been dead in 2 weeks is when I finally woke up and realized..."Yes, I have an ED."

That's when I started to fight to get healthy. It took me to get to my worst to start doing it, but I say at any point it's better to start that fight then never at all then when it's too late and you are dead.

Good luck to the OP...you can do this. *Hugz.

You were running 4 miles per day on 500 calories. I have to ask, what did you think would happen? Of course you became underweight and inherited all the health problems that come with that. Yes, you may not have intended your health to become so bad but you cannot be that surprised - eating disorders do not develop overnight and if you're honest with yourself you had more than just an inkling that this situation was developing.

In addition, your "skinny happy weight" is only a BMI of 18.5. People in recovery from eating disorders are usually advised to attain a BMI of at least 20, to provide a small buffer for relapse before you become critically underweight again.

I am glad you want to get healthy again. That is the most important thing - self motivation and the desire to live a real, fulfilling life again. Recovery isn't always easy - but nor is it easy to get into the situation you are in, and you managed that. You've already proven your determination, so now use that determination to get your health back. Full recovery is possible, achieveable, and worth the effort.

Original Post by fidget84:

with respect you were driving full speed into this place back in april when you posted about starving and feeling miserable. you were told then how much to eat. that you persisted in doing what you did makes you responsible for being in this awful place. there is only so much a forum like this can do. you asked for answers - you got them, you ignored them and now you are back acting as though you suddenly woke up and found yourself in this heartbreaking place?

come on? assume some responsibility here.

the advice remains the same. work with your team. and be aware that you are in control of all your actions. good and bad. if you dont like where you are. change it

To the OP: For what it's worth, you should be proud that you're strong, intelligent and brave enough to take the necessary actions to regain your health. I have every confidence that you already are in the process of making positive changes, and will persevere through some of the challenges that may be presented to you along the way.

The fact that you've sought professional help, accepted that changes need to happen, and are following through is a testament to your capabilities. While I also think forums such as this can be a great support and resource, please take the "advice" here (which is all too often only judgements and opinions over advice) with a grain of salt. The last thing you need is to lose a second of your precious time having to read negative comments about you or your current situation.

Kudos to you. I wish you strength, vitality and happiness and look forward to your updates!

I am glad you are getting help. In therapy I suggest you talk about how this could spiral out of control with you not being aware then. Whether it be denial or you did not want to change it needs to be addressed so it does not happen again. Loosing 5 pounds may by accident but loosing 20 plus there are underlying issues when it gets to the point of so underweight.

On the note of having to get to a horrible place to want to get well. There are often times that the rock bottom for people is still not low enough. Also who knows when one pushes too far. Some things besides death are not reversable.

Original Post by 10bysummer:

While I also think forums such as this can be a great support and resource, please take the "advice" here (which is all too often only judgements and opinions over advice) with a grain of salt. The last thing you need is to lose a second of your precious time having to read negative comments about you or your current situation.

Mollycoddling doesn't help anyone in the long run. Support is about saying what needs to be said for the OP to move forward, not just endlessly sympathising. Sympathy can often become enabling to the person's eating disorder and destructive to recovery in the long run.

me and 10bysummer dont see eye to eye meryl.... she's all about wrapping everyone in cotton wool...

she'd be a valuable asset on a pro-ana/mia site.....

I am glad you realized that you have gone too far... i hope that you get the help that you need to recover!

Original Post by fidget84:

me and 10bysummer dont see eye to eye meryl.... she's all about wrapping everyone in cotton wool...

she'd be a valuable asset on a pro-ana/mia site.....

I find this comment incredibly insulting, and sincerely hope that this is not an impression that I am giving people here. Your comment warrents justification or an apology. 

Thank you everyone for your (varying degrees of) support.  I was not looking for sympathy for waking up in this "heartbreaking place," Fidget.  I really was shocked to see how much I weighed.  Because I never weighed myself I never got a reality check of the number...the ED voice (one strong mofo indeed, silentdeadlyrose!) just kept telling me I needed to lose... I'm sorry if I offended anyone in any way, and I certainly didn't want this thread to become a fighting ground between posters.

Anyway, a little update.  Today I went and saw part of the team that will be helping me.  A therapist and nutritionist specializing in eating disorders.  I have yet to see the physician on Friday.  Well, I was a little rattled regarding what I'm being told to do, especially after reading so much recovery advice on here.  Right now I eat 2 "meals."  My calories typically add to 300-400 for the day.  They basically told me to start eating a third 'meal' of whatever I am comfortable with, but to not count calories.  They do not want to deal with calories at all, but rather getting proper food groups and "not thinking too hard."  This is all well and good, but personally I am interested in fixing my metabolism.  I thought that the more slowly you add food, the more your body clings onto it and doesn't get the message to start using the energy to repair the body, organs, etc. instead of just store fat.  I've read people eat 2500+ to boost their metabolisms, and I'd rather gain on that than gain on fewer calories and then have to maintain at a dismal number.

I tried to explain this and they kind of stared at me like I had three heads.  They explained they don't want me to have to deal with issues like bloating and discomfort, etc which is understandable....but add just one meal a week?  Do they know what an anorexic's idea of a "meal" is?  I just really wish they had given me some CALORIE guidelines as well as proportions of carbs, fat, protein...but nope.  I asked how we would proceed after I've followed this plan for the week and they just said, "we'll see how you're doing and then decide."

I'm so confused.  Take it gradually or get it over with, what do I do??

you didnt offend okay? my style is a little different to most ppls. i am not judging you coz i have been in that heartbreaking place. but  it was a source of tremendous comfort to me when i realised i had all the power to really control this properly.

if you want to eat more. you can eat more. this team is trying to keep your anxiety levels low and take it at a managable pace. but they are not trying to starve you. if you are hungry then you can eat. you need to eat and you should eat. you do not need their permission to eat.

you can delude yourself with a typical anorexic meal and then you will maintain on a dismal amount and you will not restore your metabolic rate. or you can bite bullet and start eating a 3 real meals. with no bull.sht

Well the generally rule of recovery is usually starting out small and building it up each week. This will prevent you from over bloating with pain and discomfort. (I would seriously buy some anti gas medication to aid along in this as well..such as Gas X or Bean-o.) My suggestion is to start at 1, 200 and maybe add 200 calories each week to prevent the over excessive bloating. Keep doing it until you reach 2, 500 calories. If you find you are maintaining on that after a few weeks of reaching that or even losing then you obviously need to keep adding a few hundred calories until you reach your "magic" number. Sometimes even after you've gained some much needed pounds your body will start losing or maintaining on a big number after you've been there a few weeks so naturally you just keep adding.

That's how it was done when I was in patient a few years back. They also had all of their patients on the "Exchange" System. This made  sure we got adequate calories in without having to actually count calories. Which I agree, at this stage you should avoid calories at all costs and just make sure you are getting 3 meals and 3 snacks each day with each main food group in there to make sure you are getting adequate nutrition for your body.

I would definitely look up the exchange system (it's usually listed for diabetics, but it works well.) There isn't much information about it on the internet so you could probably ask your nutritionist if he/ or she knows anything about it. I really think it's more of a better way for ED sufferers to get back on track without the anxiety of counting or thinking about calories. You just realize you need so many breads/fruits/ fats/ proteins/ etc. at each meal without having to really count.

Good luck.

When I was in inpatient we ate 1700-1800 calories for the first week to avoid refeeding syndrome (if you were considered at risk) and then upped to around 2500 calories sedentary, which is actually a lot lower than what many other IP facilities have people eat.

I think there is a big risk in dragging out the "upping the calories" part for too long and just prolonging the eating disorder. 1200 calories is still a weight loss intake and if you only add 200 calories a week after the first week it's going to take two whole months to get up to around 2600. To me, that's just a wasted two months - the risk of refeeding syndrome would long be over by this stage.

I understand how hard it can be to increase calories, but if you can't do it alone then I really would suggest inpatient treatment.

What is confusing you is the ed mindset. I have seen so many professionals ed wise some good and some bad. If this is not working for you then can you see someone who can set out a plan?This sounds very odd to be the approach they are giviing you. I had an ed therapist/nutritionist do similar with me in the past. They did not want to scare me or create too much anxiety. So that was the plan small changes which were not enough for my body at the time and I ended up through the er in the cardiac. I am not saying this is for you but something is off. You need to use your voice and tell them what is helping an not. This is a team including you. EVeryone needs to be on the same page. An exchange meal plan can be very helpful and what most ip use. I am sorry but your going to be bloated and feel uncomfortable. This is part of recovery.

So much for starting out small... yesterday I did something perhaps a little stupid and just gorged myself on a ton of fear foods.  My roommate has been a very supportive figure in my recovery and we just kind of made a day of it.  Fancy breads, cheeses, avocado, ice cream, peanut butter, copious amounts of chocolate, real whipped cream, oh the list goes on.  I really should've been more careful because refeeding syndrome sounds like a very scary thing.  What I experienced was I got really warm, my heart was definitely beating faster and felt a bit odd/dizy, and the veins on my arms and hands were kind of bursting out.  I definitely woke up drenched in sweat.  Today I've felt fine, though.  I'm trying really hard not to go back to restricting out of fear because it would be useless after taking in so much food. I've even delighted in a very cheesy sandwich with avocado, hummus, veggies, and some generous spoonfulls of peanut butter.  Of course I'm extremely bloated and uncomfortable and don't know how much I'll be able to stomach the rest of the day.  But at least it's something.  I think my team will be shocked when they see my food log :P  I most definitely don't intend to gain entirely on ice cream and chocolate, but it sure felt like a bit of a victory eating those things.

Oh, another question directed towards anyone.  I've been on Yaz birth control since about 16 and I never lost my period.  In fact, I started getting my period for UNGODLY amounts of time during my worst months of restricting (the last 4 cycles or so).  I'd have it for literally 2.5 weeks every month.  The doctor didn't know what to think of this and I was wondering if anyone took BC and experienced the same thing.  Probably just my hormones going wacky, though I am still curious.

I'm really happy that you received a wake up call that has given you the motivation to fight your eating disorder and get back to living a wonderful life without the constraint of numbers of the desire of dangerous control. My anorexia unravelled the same way as yours. For me, it was never about the numbers on the scale (I never used one even in the saddest depth of my eating disorder), but rather the fact that I relished punishing myself through absolute starvation. Although I knew denying myself food felt physically horrible (always feeling cold, inability to move, ghostly appearance, lack of energy, et cetera) and alienated me further from the things I needed most (friends, family, interests, the desire to live), I never had a clue how damaged my body really was and so I never believed I suffered from anorexia. My wake-up call was when I was admitted to the hospital severely emaciated and with a heart rate of 25 beats per minute and told that I had little over a few days to live had I not been admitted. Only then did I realise the hell I had put mself through, and since I have been fighting to gain back my life and my health. I can completely relate to what you have said, and I wish you the best of luck on your recovery!

Original Post by p0llyanna:

So much for starting out small... yesterday I did something perhaps a little stupid and just gorged myself on a ton of fear foods.  My roommate has been a very supportive figure in my recovery and we just kind of made a day of it.  Fancy breads, cheeses, avocado, ice cream, peanut butter, copious amounts of chocolate, real whipped cream, oh the list goes on.  I really should've been more careful because refeeding syndrome sounds like a very scary thing.  What I experienced was I got really warm, my heart was definitely beating faster and felt a bit odd/dizy, and the veins on my arms and hands were kind of bursting out.  I definitely woke up drenched in sweat.  Today I've felt fine, though.  I'm trying really hard not to go back to restricting out of fear because it would be useless after taking in so much food. I've even delighted in a very cheesy sandwich with avocado, hummus, veggies, and some generous spoonfulls of peanut butter.  Of course I'm extremely bloated and uncomfortable and don't know how much I'll be able to stomach the rest of the day.  But at least it's something.  I think my team will be shocked when they see my food log :P  I most definitely don't intend to gain entirely on ice cream and chocolate, but it sure felt like a bit of a victory eating those things.

 

Oh, another question directed towards anyone.  I've been on Yaz birth control since about 16 and I never lost my period.  In fact, I started getting my period for UNGODLY amounts of time during my worst months of restricting (the last 4 cycles or so).  I'd have it for literally 2.5 weeks every month.  The doctor didn't know what to think of this and I was wondering if anyone took BC and experienced the same thing.  Probably just my hormones going wacky, though I am still curious.

I am so glad you addressed this problem with your period!  The same thing happened to me (is still happening, as I have not yet reached my goal weight) and my doctor has no clue why.  I'm on Tri-Spectra, a generic birth control.  I told myself it was because I was not religiously taking it at the same time every day, but that didn't sound right to me.  I want to know why this happens, too!  It's bad enough to have it for a few days a week, but this is ridiculous

Hp- It is so interesting we have this in common !  So odd, isn't it?  At first I thought it must just be due to "user error" as well, but then I set my alarm clock to ring at 5:30 in the morning so I could just take it and go back to bed.  Believe me, I was taking that pill RELIGIOUSLY!  Honestly, I'm shocked I have any uterus left at all.

When I was at a BMI of 16ish my periods went rather odd. I went from having no period to having one CONSTANTLY (I too was on birth control). I think it's the way of your body telling you it is in distress.