Emotional wall? What's wrong with me?

First off, I'd like to say that I'm 21 years old and have never been in a serious relationship -- which is largely my problem.

For as long as I can remember, every time I meet a guy that I become really interested in, I'll flirt with him, be friendly, etc. except then when he starts really becoming interested I freak and back off (sometimes saying things to make him not like me) and I'll come up with all these reasons why I shouldn't like him. I almost even can convince myself that I hate him.

On the other hand, when I like a guy who doesn't like me or is otherwise unavailable, I idealize him to be even better than he is (even though these guys usually turn out to be jerks) and am torn apart because I like them so much. And then, when I meet one a guy who actually likes me, I'll keep comparing him to the one who didn't and therefore deem the new guy inferior.

I don't like the fact that this constantly happens. I really want to change, to fall in love and have a healthy relationship. And I want to understand why I keep on doing this. Is it a self esteem thing? Have I just not met the right guy?

Oh. I'm also a virgin. That sucks. :P

Well, knowing you have these tendencies was the biggest step you have to take! Just think of all those girls choosing the wrong guys and not knowing why it always ends up.. well, ending.

So you have to consciously remind yourself "is this feeling real or is it memorex?"

Could be a mix of both SE and right guy. Other than this aspect, how is your self esteem? (you don't have to answer to me, just yourself!) Is that something to work on? You DESERVE a healthy relationship.

Have you ever considered counseling? I believe everyone could use a little. Seems we are more open to ideas and perspectives when we know the other party is neutral.

Good luck. (Don't stress the virgin thing, sex is good but overrated sometimes, and you're better off doing it right than doing it to get it over with)

Original Post by tini87:

Is it a self esteem thing? Have I just not met the right guy?

Based on my experience, yes and yes.

I didn't think guys would like me. I was suspicious (not consciously) of any guy who seemed to like me. And I brushed off a lot of guys because I figured either a) they just wanted to be friends or b) if I let them in... well, you know that scene from Never Been Kissed, when she remembers going outside to wait for her prom date to pick her up, and he eggs her. Something like that.

Then there was this one guy, and suddenly I wasn't worried about any of that. It just clicked.  Not when we first met, but after being friends for a year (this definitely wasn't a love at first sight thing). It was just suddenly "right".

edit to add: CDC's counseling suggestion is right on - I saw a therapist and she really helped me explore my reaction to guys... and that wasn't even the reason that I went to see her!

It is a self-esteem thing. A woman who feels deep down that she is a loser will automatically believe that any guy who is interested in her is obviously a loser too, whereas a guy who doesn't like her is "one of the cool ones". This is factually incorrect, of course.

Work on liking yourself more, and thinking more highly of yourself. Therapists can indeed help you break the negative patterns that you have developed.

Original Post by trustwomen:

It is a self-esteem thing. A woman who feels deep down that she is a loser will automatically believe that any guy who is interested in her is obviously a loser too, whereas a guy who doesn't like her is "one of the cool ones". This is factually incorrect, of course.

Work on liking yourself more, and thinking more highly of yourself. Therapists can indeed help you break the negative patterns that you have developed.

That's actually pretty enlightening. I've seen a therapist a few times, but that hasn't really helped much.  I do sometimes feel that when a guy does like me, it's simply because he doesn't know me well enough and when he does, he'll leave for somebody more "normal"