The emotions of weight loss

I'm sure there's another thread like this one. I just need to get my thoughts out.

I'm not giving up. I actually just got back from a run, so that isn't the point. When I started losing weight, I knew I would feel proud, healthy, etc., I just never realized the BAD emotions that losing weight would include. These are some of mine, and feel free to add more.

Emotion #1: Anger.
Lots of anger. Anger at myself for not realizing I was so big sooner. Anger for getting so big. Anger at others for not telling me. Anger at others for asking rude questions (ie. How much do you weigh now? SERIOUSLY?!).

Emotion #2: Lonliness
Sometimes I don't want to deal with the pressure, so I sit at home alone on Saturday nights. I sometimes also feel like I don't have anybody to talk to because those I talk to say things like, "I really want to lose 6 pounds." I fluctuate that much on a good day, lady.

Emotion #3: Sadness
Saying "goodbye" to fat is harder than I thought.

Emotion #4: Embarassment
Of the fact that I let myself get X pounds overweight.

Emotion #5: Fear
Will the weight come back on? When? Will it be more?

Emotion #6: Pressure
To lose more. To get to the goal faster.

Emotion #7: Frustration
Wait for a plateau. Enough said.

Emotion #8: Obsession
My personal favorite! I have actually counted that I drank 900+ calories worth of beer. I'm not proud, but can't believe that after that many beers, I was still able to count.

Thank you for writing that--you said it all--I am going to print it up and remember it as I go because I think for me, the intense emotions that I feel is harder than actually doing the work of exercising, watching food intake, etc.  Just remember that your weight, whether you chose to lose more or not, does not define you.  You are much more than your weight.

stxenia-

It is not negative self talk (hello liberal college classes!). I'm extremely proud and happy for what I have done and am not "dieting." These are the emotions that I feel as I have lost 25% of my body weight and the struggles that I am facing as I have become a new person with a new lifestyle.

It is extremely difficult to spend your life being one thing and then all of a sudden switch to another (as others see you) person.  Naturally, you WILL have negative feelings and will find your new life overwhelming at times.

I see you have been a member here for only a little over a month.  If you have dieted before and have lost weight without negative feelings, good for you.  You are stronger than me (and 99% of the other people on this site).  If you are just starting out--Just wait.  Read other posts.  Others are frustrated and obviously feel the same way I do.  You will feel this way too.

I see it completely different. I don't think it's negative at all.  In life you need to mourn the passing of things, recognize it, let it out in the open, air it, so to speak, in order to move on with your life.  For myself, I have been eating a lot of emotions that I never aired.  After 81 pounds, I can honestly say that there are things that I mourn, like the ability to stuff my face with whatever I wanted.  I absolutely love Italian food, have all my life mostly because I lived in Italy as a child.  In our community we finally got an Olive Garden.  I waited and waited for that to be built.  Now there is no way that I would trust myself enough to go in there. 

I'm not saying that I never go to restaurants, because I do, but with Italian food it's kind of like a trigger, I know that it would be a very bad decision.  I'm feeling that emotion, it's really there for me.  It's not negative to say that I wish I could go in there and eat whatever I wanted. When I do that, I let myself grieve for that, then I'm able to move on.

Let's face it, we didn't become overweight because we were doing something that we didn't enjoy.  Many of us loved many aspects of it, like the eating of it, the smelling, the anticipation.  I'm sorry, but I just can't get that wrapped up in my celery, tomatoes and carrot lunch.  I eat it because it is good and it is good for me, but I am not anticipating lunch today.

Everybody, I urge you to examine these feelings you are having.  It's great to be able to let it all hang out.  This is a new life we are creating for ourselves, but we need to honor our past also.

Some may not agree with me, and that's fine, that's what this forum is all about.  But those that see the reasoning behind this, I'm waiting to here what emotions you are going through.

I am sorry if I offended anyone...I didnt mean to make light of the emotions.  Emotions and weight, and weight loss - they are huge, and yes, I face them.  I did not mean to minimize that - really, am so sorry if I should listen more first.  There are no pat answers for this. 

All I can speak is for myself.  When I am tempted to hate my body, or the weight I've put on, I have to try and reframe my thoughts.  "I love my body.  Yes, I dont like the extra pounds, but my body is for me to love and respect, and others to respect, too. I will work towards a healthier body, so I can enjoy my life more fully, and healthfully serve and love those in my family." 

If I am tempted to give up, or fear its not coming off quickly enough, or that plateau, I need to try and tell myself, "Well, the weight did not come on over night, and it is going to take time.  Be patient with yourself, and trust the process.  If you are eating right (not dieting, I agree with your disdain for that word) and walking/working out (whatever) then that is all I can control - doing the right things.  If I continue to do the right things, I will see results in time." 

If my weight is a barrier in my social life, or ability to go places and do things - due to embarassement, or whatever, I sometimes have to tell myself things like "Its not about having a picture perfect body, whatever that is.  Its about enjoying myself, and having a pleasant time with my family or friends."  there was a point I could not go to the beach, without anxiety attacks, and depression, etc.  Someone told me not to wear my glasses.  Honestly, that dumb trick did help me. 

Another emotion mentioned is anger.  Oh, had that too.  I have skinny sisters, who I have always compared myself to.  If they have "advice" for me, or some "solution" for me, or tell me how they are tweaking their already terrific figures, I get angry!!!  I've gotten livid about comments about my weight.  My mother, through out my life, has had "comments" for me - and even compared me to my sisters.  It may take days of reeling, for me.  If I can, I have to tell myself any negative comments about my weight, is really about them, and not about me.  Yeah, it hurts like you know what. 

If I get angry because I "blew it" with over eating or binging, I have to try myself, "Dont beat yourself up. Just get back on track at the next meal, next day.  Nobody is perfect." 

I dont think this is pop psychology - "liberal psychology classes" - but a tool for me to stay on track, and deal with the many emotions related to weight and weight loss.  So much of this whole thing is a "head" and "emotion" issue, and its key how we handle those negative emotions.

All that said, maybe I have missed the boat on this conversation.  I've found before on other blogs, that really people want to "vent" and "share" more than "get advice."  I can see how I came across wrong.  

stxenia,

You just mentioned quite a few emotions in your post.  I like that you are doing a lot of self-talk, I do that myself.  I have just found it very helpful to look back at my life and what got me here.  Remember that saying, those who don't remember the past are condemned to repeat it -- or something like that, but you get the gist.  If we don't get a handle on our emotions and how a lot of the time those emotions are why we were eating, if we don't realize that we are having a lot of emotions right now that could quit literally torpedo back at us and send us backwards, we haven't learned anything, we just lost some pounds. 

I, for one, want to get a handle on the whys of the weight gain and the weight loss.  Why did I start this journey when I did?  Why did it take so long to make that first step?  Why do I feel like I'm the walking wounded lately?  Why do I sometimes get angry at every single thin person that I see?  Why can't I just be normal for once?  Why do I have to just keep smiling when 10 to 20 times a day someone will look at me and say, "Wow, you have really lost a lot of weight"?  You would think that was a good thing to hear, but after awhile it seems to be almost an accusation instead of a compliment.

You know what's really funny?  I think that a lot of people think that I had lap band surgery, but they haven't found a way to ask me without being impolite.  Of course, if I had had lap band I wouldn't care.  In fact, if I had had the money, I definitely would have.  I didn't have the money, so I had to find the willpower.  Now I'm glad that I did it this way. 

I have a sister myself, and she is the thin one.  My whole life I've been the one with the pretty face and the weight problem, as in, she's such a pretty girl, if she could just lose a little weight.  I also have a mother that always compared the two of us.  A couple of weeks ago my mother said to me, in front of my sister and my two daughters and my niece, that I had always had a hunched back, that she never could tell me because she knew it would make me angry. 

Can you imagine what it feels like when you have lost 81 pounds, you are finally in a size 8, and your mother basically tells you that it's not good enough, because even if you are smaller, you are still a hunchback?  That afternoon I went all over the place trying to find a brace to fix my completely nonexistent hunched back.  And I realize now that it is nonexistent, but my mother's opinion is that important to me.  I'm now wearing this damned thing that makes my boobs so high and my back so straight that I look like a weirdo.  Now I've got to get the courage to believe that she is wrong and that I don't need it.  That will be a toughie.

Anway, no harm done, glad you are here.  

When I first started succeeding a few months ago with CC (after years and years of failing at restricting/bingeing) I felt a great sense of sorrow at all the years I had walked around so so unhappy and so unfree.  How many horrible decisions I made in large part out of depresssion and shame about my weight.

I am no longer that unhappy person.  I still have a majority of the pounds to lose, but the mental landscape is different and I don't see how I would ever go back except with a complete and total loss of perspective.

It wasn't until CC that I found how much LATITUDE there really is with food choices and even calorie counts and I can still lose (slowly).  There's room in my life for cheese cake and I am free of obsession about food or pounds for the first time in three decades.  Mindfulness is NOT obsession.

I felt sorrow for who I had been for three decades and am now deeply grateful that I never stopped doing the emotional and cognitive work that got me here, finally.  The one thing I succeeded at in all the years of failing was that I never never gave up. Kept doing the same thing over and over expecting different results (definition of insanity).  

Just before I found CC and got myself a trainer, I had more or less given up on weight loss and had learned, more or less, to live with myself as I was (which was progress).  I was resigned to being out of shape, middle aged and 45 pounds overweight, out of breath, achey and physically weak.   

I found CC and a trainer that got me GREAT results in a short time with heavy weight lifting (even without a ton of weight loss) and I look and feel pretty darn awesome.  All the years of work came together with the CC tools.  I've found a very roomy, grace-giving way of living, moving and eating that I look forward to sustaining and refining the rest of my life.  Never had that before.  I've got it now, and nothing I'm aware of could take it away.

Weight loss itself is not foremost on my mind anymore.  I'm fine with 1/2 pound here and there or the occasional 1-2 pound drop.  It will all come.  Whether I hit my goal in Dec of this year or Jan/Feb next year is just one little sidebar of the total day to day journey.

I'm free of being insane about the scale AND I weigh every week to stay out of denial and to keep seeing clearly how different calorie counts and activities seem to influence weight loss. 

Back when I was obsessed/depressed/failing/desperate, I thought people who talked like I'm talking now were another species who couldn't possibly understand me.  I'm glad to be a person who talks like this now.  I can't fail at what I'm doing right now unless I willfully choose to hurt myself.  Can't see me feeling that way about myself anymore. What a huge relief.

Original Post by terridavis18:

This is a great thread.  I have lost 80 pounds so far and have 22 left.  The thing is that I have done this before.  15 years ago I lost 135 pounds, and kept it off for almost 10 years.  When my children left home, I fell into a depression so deep that I put almost all of the weight back on.  So here I am, at the age of 47, doing it all over again.

I think that my fat was a buffer in the past.  It was like wearing an innertube where people can't get close to you.  Oh, sure, I had friends, but I also had my secret binges, loved to eat in my car, never went clothes shopping with friends.

As I am  now down to what looks like a normal weight to people don't know me, all of these fears are coming up.  It's like I self-medicated with food.  There are no excuses now.   I can't use the excuse that somebody doesn't like me because they don't like fat people. 

But, even with all of the bad feelings, I walk a little taller these days.  I have done it, again  How many people can say that they have lost and gained and lost this much weight?  I now say to people, well, I've just got the ability to be very goal-oriented.  Is that really the reason I've been able to do this?  There is some reason in all of us that says, no, we're not giving up. 

The moral of my story is that we are all survivors here.  We are not the walking wounded anymore.  We don't carry our disease on our body for the world to see.  Every day is a gift for us, a gift that we made happen. 

Now, that is one positive thing!

 Oh wow, you just said it all! I love you!

I'm just starting out and I'm already overwhelmed with emotions.  Right now I'm struggling primarily with a feeling of a loss of freedom in eating what I wanted to.  I used to be carefree and eat what I wanted to when I wanted to.  Now that has completely changed.  Living in a relatively small town, eating goes hand in hand with socializing.  We invite people over for dinner, or go out for coffee with friends.  Movie nights always include popcorn and chocolate and staff meetings at work come with chips and salsa.  Before trying to lose weight I just ate it all.  Now, I have to watch what I eat.  I hate the frustration of watching my friends go back for seconds or thirds.  I hate having to sit there hungry because my skinny friend made a really high calorie dinner that I can either eat a very small portion or go way over my calorie limit.  I hate knowing that the Chinese food buffet presents too great a temptation for me.  I really miss carefree indulgences. 

On the flip side, I LOVE getting on the scale and watching the numbers go down.  I always have to weigh myself twice to make sure that I really do weigh what it says I weigh.  The progress is slow, but it is still there!  I love my friends who are encouraging me, and I love the feeling of dancing until I am ready to drop and going home to see that not only did I have a fun night out with friends, I also burned some serious calories!

Weight loss is a process and I know that it will take some time.  I know that my food cravings and desires will change just as they have since I was a little girl.  I look forward to the day when healthy snacks look just as good as junk food and when I can go out to eat with friends and not get into an inner tizzy over the food options.  I also cannot wait to meet some of my weight loss goals!

Hi, BHMoore,

I liked your response alot.  It's really how I feel when I start (again) being aware of what I'm putting in my mouth and swallowing.  Food is part of socializing and it's hard to sit there and not partake when everyone else is--it's like being asked to a party and not being able to play the games.  Sitting on the sidelines feeling. 

I LOVE to eat good food when we go out to restaurants so I try to plan a little for it so I can enjoy myself, like not taking in so many calories during the day (and having my stomach really growl) and maybe even the day before or after--then I can indulge alittle.

I suppose that what the goal is to understand choices.  That instant gratification might be worth putting aside bigger, better happier feelings like going to the store and buying an outfit that you saw on the manican and loved and now it looks good on you, too.

Thanks for sharing your feelings. 

I have many emotions about weight loss too...here are the negative ones that I am dealing with:

1. Anger - me234 you could not have said it better. I am so angry at myself for not realizing and for getting so big. I am angry that I didn't take action sooner.

2. sadness...Loss of innocence...I feel very sad about the loss of innocence in not knowing the amount of calories in my favorite restaurant meals. Now I rarely enjoy a meal knowing how many calories are involved make eating MUCH less pleasurable. I am angry about that loss of innocence as well.

3. Fear - that I may never be able to loose enough to make myself happy.

4. Frustration - my whole weight loss drama has been one big plateau after another it has been very frustrating. I am also frustrated about the amount of time that its taking to lose the weight.

5. obsession...I think about food all the time now. On Sunday it is plan meals for the week and cook. On every day of the rest of the week it is always being obsessed about not going over the calorie goal.

6. Embarrasment - enough said. I am embarrased by my side...I am disgusted by the way I looked when I saw my ..."ah ha"....Wow! I am that BIG picture.

Hang in there!  I feel everything you do, especially the part about the obsession--for me, it's almost like the committment must have an obsessive component.  It's not easy to do this casually.  You're either in or out--can't just go la-la-la, and that's where the innocence changes.  The awareness that you have to be aware 24/7 is kind of daunting for me.

But hang in there! 

Pickles1960,

I agree with you completely about the obsessive component.  I am totally in.  One time over Christmas I was making fudge for all of my loved ones.  I had made about 8 batches and was really tired.  I walked through the kitchen and almost snagged a piece before I snapped.  It was that quick. 

What a rollercoaster. I'm just two weeks into my first -real- attempt - 1000-calorie-a-day deficit, 1350 calorie target a day, 2x weekly with a TOUGH trainer and 3x weekly aerobic stuff, plus 30+ hours a week on my feet for work... I haven't weighed so I don't know if I've lost, but I feel the beginnings of muscle definition coming out, and I feel like my shape has changed, albeit minimally... and what do I feel, but anxious?

After all this time of wanting to be at a normal weight, how is it that I'm nervous to lose weight? As if I'm afraid to be my friends' sizes? Or to be able to hike without being in pain, or jog a mile in less than 12 minutes? I'm worried that those weird feelings might make me occasionally self-sabotage, especially after sticking to the rules - the deficit, a fairly rigid balance of carbs, fats and protein, the exercise - like tonight, where I have just now most likely consumed 200-300 calories of snacks. I could normally do 3 times that in a sitting but I haven't done that in the last two weeks, but here it goes again. How do we control these feelings? What do we do with them? Maybe it's the fear of failure, more than the fear of success, because it'll feel great to be where I want. I guess I've just never been there so I'm afraid to try.

In any case, I'm going to have to see how it feels once I get measured next week. All I can do is keep myself on track til then, and maybe once I see that first inch gone, those first few pounds, then maybe the excitement will start to come out.

Thanks for sharing that.  I'm going to bed hungry and sometimes it's hard to fall asleep but I know that in the morning, I'll feel lighter than the day before!  I hope the measuring gets you excited again--it's not easy making changes in the body department. 

Beers - killer for the stomach ... you can put a lot of weight around the stomach. the fact that you are counting your calories for the beer, is a positive sign you are going the right way. 

Go out, do fun things, catch up on old friends whom you have not spoken for years.. concentrate on other issues, try forgetting your frustrations;... 

I suggest you substitute beer for a glass of wine and if it still does not help.. keep saying in your mind how much of calories you are drinking with one glass, should help i think.  I love beers toooo, but have taken to substituting my beer urges.  The Dr. once guided me and said to avoid bloatness in the stomach, keep a gap of 1/2 hr between each pint of beer.. you will see that you get full faster and not much urge to drink as you have to keep going to pee.

Hi - you hit it on the head.  I'm grammie - 64years young - 201 lbs. and just sick hearted when I look at myself.  It's vacation time again and again I'm not buying a swim and my grandchildren and children are just going to shake their heads at me.

My eating habits are okay until I get home at night.  Then I seem to graze until about 8:00 p.m.  I need to lose weight for my self esteem and for my health.  I have GERD and I need to get rid of belly fat.  When I was down to 183 I felt great - and was down to a size 16 - I really want to get to a 12.

My knees are also starting to give me trouble and so I'm determined this time to lose weight or I'm going to be a mess.   But, I need help.  I sit at a computer all day - so my exercise has to be at night.  I like to walk but my knees are giving me trouble.   I have a orthopedic drs appt. this week.  I signed up for yoga and now have to put that off.

My husband is losing weight - but he's a big snacker - who works it all off.  I usually give myself permission to snack with him because I'm the one making the snack.  Last night I informed him he was going to have to get his own if he needs a snack. 

I just need to check in with somone and need support.

Kirstenlynn,

I'm Grammie, too.  I understand about the grazing part.  I was just great when all was structured during the day, but when I was on my own, I was in real trouble.  Also weekends were danger zones for me. 

I still have to be very conscious of what I do in the evenings.  I will try to do any chores that are labor intensive, even if I'm tired.  I will mow the lawn, with a push mower (it's over an acre, so it takes several evenings to complete), vacuum, sweeping, anything that is physical and not real mental.  The good thing about that is I find that I sleep better when my body is as tired as my mind is. 

I'm a court reporter, so I spend most of the day listening to every utterance that comes out of someone's mouth and then computing it onto a screen.  That is so completely mind-numbing that after a long day I have resolved to never make any big decisions, but my body is in need of a little activity.

I, too, have knee trouble.  I tried working out at first using the step contraptions.  My knees just wouldn't allow it.  I find that the treadmill is kinder, and I would love to be able to get an elliptical for the same reason. 

I really like to use an exercise ball.  It's fun, can be challenging, and there are so many exercises that you can do with it.

I want to be the kind of grandmother that likes adventures, and I have been able to realize that in the past months.  In doing these adventures, I am teaching my grandson that there is more to do than just sit and watch Dora or Diego on the television.  We take long walks and look at nature (luckily, we live in the country so we can do this lots).  I have my pedometer on my hip so I can see how far we have gone.  I usually push him on one of his toys, but lately he's been getting off and walking beside me, so I feel that maybe I might be helping him in the long run by getting out and moving.

I have also told my husband that he will have to fend for himself when it comes to snacks and the like.  He really doesn't have an issue with it because he likes the results.  I just have to bite my tongue when he gets fastfood. 

Every day try to do a little more physically than the day before.  When I started at 238 pounds on a 5'4" frame, I was just too big to do much, but graduallly I got there.  Now I'm jogging/walking/sometimes running about 6 miles a day.  I also do exercises to strengthen the muscles around my knees, it seems to be really helping in the knee pain department.

I have always had a vision in my head of the person that I wanted to be, thankfully that person had gradually started to emerge, like a butterfly.  I am so thankful each and every day that I took that first step.  You can, too.

Kirstenlynn - You can do it!  Go out and buy a swimsuit and swim with your grandkids!  Last summer I went on vacation with a bunch of friends and "family".  A lot of us were (and still are) overweight but we all got out and swam.  Don't miss out on fun memories of splashing around with your grandkids because of embarassment or shame.  Your kids and grandkids love you and they would MUCH rather you come out and play with them! 

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One other emotion I struggle with is fear.  Now that I have lost my first 5+ pounds (yay!) I'm not so worried that I won't see results.  My biggest fear, and one that I used as my excuse for so long was that I wanted a serious boyfriend BEFORE I lost weight.  I wanted someone who loved me for me, even while I was fat.  I knew that if I found someone like that, then it would be a genuine relationship.  I knew that he would support me and love me no matter my weight.  I knew that if I lost weight he would still love me.  And if we got married and I gained it back when I had kids, he would love me that way too.  I have this fear that I'll lose the weight and meet some great guy get married and have kids and gain it back and he won't be attracted to me anymore.  I knew intellectually that it was a silly reason to put off being healthy and losing weight, but it was a very real fear, and still one that I harbor.

Hey Terri -

Thanks for answering me so quickly.  It's so nice to hear from someone who had the same problem. 

I think you're right - I have to get more active after I get home from work.  Like I said I'm starting to walk again.  I do have a Schwinn Air-dyne at home, but can't wait until we move so I can get the treadmill and the elyptical if I can. 

Thanks for the help - I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for answering me - you're right - I don't miss out on too much, but the kids do love to swim and being in the water.  I'll go buy the suit and that will let me take a good look at myself too.  More incentive.

Take care of yourself and we can check in and see how we're doing.  This is the first week of my new lifestyle.