The emotions of weight loss

I'm sure there's another thread like this one. I just need to get my thoughts out.

I'm not giving up. I actually just got back from a run, so that isn't the point. When I started losing weight, I knew I would feel proud, healthy, etc., I just never realized the BAD emotions that losing weight would include. These are some of mine, and feel free to add more.

Emotion #1: Anger.
Lots of anger. Anger at myself for not realizing I was so big sooner. Anger for getting so big. Anger at others for not telling me. Anger at others for asking rude questions (ie. How much do you weigh now? SERIOUSLY?!).

Emotion #2: Lonliness
Sometimes I don't want to deal with the pressure, so I sit at home alone on Saturday nights. I sometimes also feel like I don't have anybody to talk to because those I talk to say things like, "I really want to lose 6 pounds." I fluctuate that much on a good day, lady.

Emotion #3: Sadness
Saying "goodbye" to fat is harder than I thought.

Emotion #4: Embarassment
Of the fact that I let myself get X pounds overweight.

Emotion #5: Fear
Will the weight come back on? When? Will it be more?

Emotion #6: Pressure
To lose more. To get to the goal faster.

Emotion #7: Frustration
Wait for a plateau. Enough said.

Emotion #8: Obsession
My personal favorite! I have actually counted that I drank 900+ calories worth of beer. I'm not proud, but can't believe that after that many beers, I was still able to count.

Wow, it's really refreshing to be able to share this kind of stuff!

One that I didn't anticipate is the negativity from other people, about how my 20lb weight loss is completely insignificant compared to what they *think* they need to lose.

I have one friend who asked me to never speak to her again about weight loss, or counting calories, or even to bring up why I'm eating a light version or something, because she feels that if I think I'm big, what can I think of her?

It's really frustrating to hit these obstacles, but in a way it makes me mroe determined, because I'm so freakin' stubborn, lol.

I also feel anger and shame over not doing something sooner, or letting myself think it's Ok not to go to the gym for a really weak reason. And I cannot freakin' wait to see me once I'm back to my comfy weight level. Can't wait to be hotter again, lol!

Mmm...Gypsy Girl,  in one sense, your letter is really "convicting" to me.  In a way, I have kind of done the exact thing you say you hate so much.  I have not really wanted to hear about my skinny sister's weight loss.  She has always been thinner than me, and when she "laments" that she can't wear her 8's anymore, I kind of want to "gag" her. 

And yes, I have thought the same thing, when women thinner than me are complaining about their weight, and pass the desert plate with a "no thanks, I'm watching my weight." 

But that is exactly what you say you dont like, when people who weigh more than you, can't share your struggle, or victories. 

We women just cant stop comparing ourselves with one another, and being jealous of one another - that is the thing!!!  And when we feel lousy about ourselves, its very hard to rejoice that someone is losing weight (when we aren't), or to hear women thinner than ourselves, complaining about their weight. 

I have thought the same thing:  "if you think you are overweight, what do you think of me?"

So in a way, I feel convicted by your email, and on the other hand, trying to defend your friend.

But really, that is what is great about a group like this - we are all in the struggle together!  We can all relate to each other, whether we have 100 pounds to lose, or 20 pounds to lose.  We dont seem to feel jealous of each other, because we dont know each other, can't see each other.  And I dont think we feel "smug" when we've lost more than someone else, either. 

We are just all in the same boat of trying to lose weight, exercise, and regain our health. 

But out in the world, at large - its one woman comparing themselves to another, for the good or bad.  And jealousies, and inferiorities. 

I can't say I always adhere to this, but I do  have a general philosophy of not talking about my weight with someone who is larger than myself.  But then, I dont really like talking about my weight with women skinner than myself! 

That is the beauty of this group - or any other group like Weight Watchers.  We're free to just be ourselves, rejoice with those who rejoice, and encourage those who are struggling.  We know what it feels like on both sides of the fense.

I think the biggest ones I've been dealing with since I've been losing are sadness and fear. Mostly sadness though, because when I start hearing myself saying negative things like "oooh, you're going to get fat again!" or "what if?" I'm usually good with countering it with positive thoughts.

But it took me a long time to throw out my too-big pants. Even now when I go into a store and try on a smaller size than I'm used to, I feel like it's a joke. Like I'm fooling myself or someone is playing a joke on me. Like I can't "REALLY" fit into that. Or I tell myself things like "there's no way you're actually that size! they just run a lot bigger in here!" I used to work at Hollister and there clothes are notoriously TEENNNNNY. Last summer I wore the biggest pant size there - 11, and I couldn't even fit into a non-stretchy 11. I went and tried on a pair of jeans in there just the other day and I fit a size 7, non-stretch. I was astounded, but still couldn't let myself believe it.

I still have trouble wearing shorts and smaller dresses - my friends are getting annoyed going shopping with me because apparently I automatically make a beeline for too-big sizes and the ones that actually fit me, I'm convinced are way too tight and look skanky.

Sigh. I still obviously have a long way to go with accepting myself. I thought losing weight would solve all the body image issues I have but I was horribly wrong. Here I am feeling exactly the same, 4-5 sizes smaller.

That's a very good point to make--that losing weight doesn't erase body image problems.   It takes time to change on the inside as well as the outside.

Great thread!! On top of ALL the emotions previously mentioned, which I def. can identify with...I must say that for the 1 time EVER I feel HOPEFUL!!  For the 1 time in my life I really , I mean REALLY feel like I can do this. I can and am losing weight. It's so much harder than I thought, but each day gets a little easier. I try to focus on all the possitve things that come along with getting healthy~ but like so many that have posted on this thread, I can't help but feel pressure, frustration, fear, sadness, loneliness & def. anger.

I also feel BLESSED that I have the chance to turn my life around before it was too late... I don't plan on taking it for granted.

I think it's all a healing process~ I've just recently forgiven myself for abusing my body the way I have. I still have many things to work on...but I'm so glad I have my CC buddies that help with all the ups & downs of it all~:)

I have to say, this is a great thread.  Really feels supportive to know I'm not alone in my feelings.

By the way, what does someone do when you feel hungry (I mean hungry) all day, all night (can't sleep very well) and you've eaten the required calories for the day?  It's like I'm ravenous.  Does anyone else feel this?  Is this a stupid question?

Not a stupid question at all.  I am wondering if you have underestimated how many calories your body really needs - maybe you need to 'up' it a bit.

Also, I have come to believe in the mini meal theory, and have been told by personal trainers to eat every 3-3 1/2 hours.  Sure, make it healthy, and not too high in calories.  But divide up your calorie load through out the day more.  Not only does it keep you from getting ravenously hungry, but I've been told it keeps your metabolism from going into "starvation" mode, and your metabolism slowing down.

I also try to keep a full filling by eating lots of fiber.  For breads, I use Double Fiber whole wheat bread.  I love the Whole Wheat Sandwich Thins, and the 100 calorie high fiber English Muffins.  Fruits, veggies, brown rice.

And if my snacks have a combination of carb and protein, I stay more satisfied, too.  1/2 cup cottage cheese and strawberries.  A half portion of a high fiber (I like Kashi Go Lean Crunch) cereal, and skim or 1% milk.  Apple and PB, or even some whole wheat bread and a smear of PB.  String Cheese and a multigrain cracker. Some low fat yogurt and a couple crackers.  Yesterday I took 1/4 cup brown rice (cooked), 1/4 cup 1% milk, a package of Splenda and dash of cinnamon, and cooked it a while; tasted like a wonderful rice pudding, but I had some complex carbs, some milk protein and it tasted like desert.

I am no expert, but I dont think its right you are so hungry all the time, and not good for your metabolism if you are going too long between meals.  Sometimes I will "save" something I night normally had for lunch, to have as my afternoon snack - again, spreading the calories out.

Good luck.  I will be eager to hear if any of this helps you.  It has me.

you have inspired me... I too have seen myself in the toxic emotion countdown, but I am just beginning - again. I am terrified - of the emotions, the success, the failure; but i am more terrified of not making changes in my life. I am 47 also and I don't want to spend another year at this BMI! I too have lost alot of weight and put it back on. (90 lbs.) But now I need to loose about 145 lbs. I want this to be the last time.  Thanks to all who shared. I am looking forward to this visiting this site and finding hope, camaraderie, and mutual encouragement in the threads here. It is amazing what we can do when we are ready to put it all on the line. 

Thanks for your suggestions.  I should email that "advice" person to see if I've got the right calorie amount to shoot for.  I'm also under stress right now with a deadline and an ailing dad so maybe it's related to that (wanting to eat to feel better). 

glad to hear i'm not the only one who feels like this.  i'm turning 45 this june w/ high bloodpresure, athma and allergies.  i've tried losing weight from time to time throughout the yrs, but i usully gave up because i gained weight and more, so this yr since i found this site i'm hoping i'll do better. 

i weight about 169 when i started a month ago, went up to 173 then down to 170? haven't checked my weight lately, trying not to check so often.  get very agravating when weight does not stay off.  lots of it is heritatary, my mom's maiden name is stump and family joke is stump rump.  since most of my weight is in my hips, i hate trying to buy clothes, so needless to say most of my clothes are cheap, more sweatpants type.  have better clothes for  work but for every day use, i hate!! shoping for clothes, to get them over my hips too big for waist, if its a two piece suit, forget it . if it fits the bottom, won't fit top, fit top, wont fix bottom. 

 oh to be 18-25 again,  ate what i wanted and was a size 0-2.  thats whats so hard for me to diet, i know i eat because i'm bord, (sp) if i get depressed or mad i eat, and i have a really bad!! sweet tooth. ie cupcakes, candy bars, so i'm trying to cut out/limit them.  learn hard way not to cut out compleatly otherwise i binge out on them.  so i eat them sparingly, ie will have light lunch, breakfast so i can enjoy a sweet.  and if someone buys donuts or bagels for breakfast i'll cut it in half so i can enjoy other half later instead of having 2 throughout the day.

thanks for starting this,  nice to know i'm not alone with dieting problems.  good luck to everyone.

I'm back to anger and frustrated again .. at myself.  I did it again this weekend.  I stuffed food in my face and ate all kinds of crap.  I re-gained the 3 pounds I lost this week, which I gained from last weekend, which I lost the week before, etc.....  

I tried tried tried soooo hard to understand the feelings and emotions which were compelling me to eat this weekend and to never feel full.  I couldnt get a grasp on it.  Then that hateful little voice started whispering to me (no, not the neighborhood dog telling to kill people-LOL) but that doubt that told me, seeeeee, you are going to regain all that weight, you are weak....   geeze, will this crap ever end? 

So, this morning, 4am I was at the gym.  I ran 43 minutes before I could find my smile.  

I feel very WEAK right now, mentally weak.  I hate feeling weak.  Can anybody give me hope that all this emotional crap will get easier or better?  Does the mental and emotional struggle ever get better?

Original Post by spirochete:

I have had a really rough couple of years since my mom died. Depression hit and I medicated with my favorite drugs: beer and food! I've spent the last few months getting myself back in check and it is VERY emotional! This thread is uncanny, I have been thinking these very same things.

In mourning: That's how I feel. I miss hanging out on the patio of the local restaurant having my beer and nachos. I miss going out because I'm at a stage where I know I can't be trusted not to eat something horrific. I spend a lot of weekends at home, too because I know what happens when I go out.

I know it's temporary, but I just miss my old life! I don't know how I stayed slim before all this happened. I really let myself get into some very bad habits

Also, when I lose 10lbs or so, I feel small. Not small as in skinny, but empty and little. When I realized that, I realized my food addiction was worse than I thought.

 In mourning for my old life - that is perfectly stated. Most of the time, I was really unhappy because of the way I felt and looked. But all the ways I used to derive pleasure and satisfaction and 'calm' are gone. It's difficult, though still definitely the right way to be.

Despair: I have so much weight to lose, sometimes it seems like it will never happen.  I have been overweight ALL OF MY LIFE, so I can't even IMAGINE what it must be like to be thin.  I wasn't even thin as a little kid!

Envy: My younger brother - whom I started on the road to weight loss - has lost 70lbs through diet and exercise and is now training others.  Meanwhile, I weigh more than I've literally ever weighed before, and he's offering ME advice.

Embarrassment: My boyfriend weighs the same amount as the number of pounds I need to lose to be healthy.  Sometimes I am so embarrassed to be naked around him.  We have an open discourse about weight, and I know I am not his ideal body type, and it really makes me self-conscious during sex or showers or whenever.

Afraid: I'm not even really certain what I'm afraid of.  Losing weight will be a good thing, right?  Maybe I am afraid of the saggy bags my breasts will become (they're not that spectacular now, as it is.)  Or of the infamous flap of skin around my stomach that I won't be able to afford to have surgically removed.  Maybe I'm afraid-- no, I think I *am* afraid-- that when I lose all the weight I need to lose, I still won't be "good enough."

For some strange reason, it felt really good to get all of that out.  I am hiding behind my fat, and it's killing me.  I am KILLING myself.  I've got to figure out how to love myself instead of feeling so freaking bad about myself all the time...

I know every single thing you said and I have been there.  I personally had given up two years ago.  I reached my highest weight ever and I just mentally, emotionally and physically gave up.  I thought it had gone too far for me to ever lose weight and I was so embarrassed.  I knew everyone was passing judgement on me and my weight.  I was scared to lose weight and am still experiencing some degree of being scared to finish and win. 

All I can tell you is... you have to keep trying.  I got so **** frustrated starting over each morning because I had failed the day before.  I got tired of trying.   But you can't give up, you just can't.  Its very daunting and scary.  I wore my fat like amour and it was my comfort, despite the fact that I hated it.   I too was scared of what I would look like when it was all gone, etc... I had a voice in my head telling me all the terrible things that were going to happen if I lost weight. 

I stumbled and still do (see previous post from this morning!) but YOU are worth it.  You are worth the effort.  You are.  Now... you say it.... You are worth it.   

You sound like you're in pain.  I am so sorry.   I hope you know that you are not alone and bravo for you for admitting how intensely you feel.   Sometimes, when things seem the darkest, it's like how a seed feels in the dirt before it's ready to break out of its seedcoat and take a new form...it can seem really dark!  ...and that the angst and self-hatred has to come out before change happens.  Just thoughts...

About weekends, I can finally say that I had a bad weekend, but I'm on the other side now.  Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of my first husband's death.  The day is always hard.  I've been remarried for almost ten years, and the day is not something that I talk to the new husband about.  I don't talk to the kids because if they've forgotten the date, I'm sure not going to remind them.  So I sat and watched TV, but unfortunately a music video came on from a singer that has my first husband's last name, who was also one of his favorite singers.  So I started to sing with the song, then the wind starting blowing real hard outside, so of course I started to cry hysterically. 

I knew I was in trouble, and I knew that I was open for anything if I didn't get myself together.  So I got up and started moving.  It had rained during the night, so mowing was out of the question.  I decided to paint.  And we all know how much time that takes with taping the trim and the primer.  When I got through with that, it was dry enough to go outside and mow with a little push mower (I needed to be doing something physical). 

I made it through the day, though I went to bed at 8 o'clock.  Never did overeat, I was too tired to do anything but sleep.  Woke up at 3:45 this morning and started my day a little early on the treadmill. 

I am learning that I'm a emotional eater.  How else would I have gained 70 pounds in 4 years after the kids left home if I weren't?  Hopefully I will remember how I handled it yesterday.  Better yet, maybe I can plan for those days ahead of time.  Who knows.  I'm just glad that I have 364 more days to plan for it. 

Mourning is not something that is ever over, it is just endured.  This year was one of my better years, and thankfully, I don't think the kids remembered it at all.

It's Monday, let's forget about the weekend and start fresh with our new lives, because if there's anything I learned from losing a husband, life is truly a gift, and every day above ground is a great one!!

My brother died in '04 and the time around the date and the date itself are always like a roller coaster of emotions.  I'm impressed how you redirected yourself to physical activity and to activity that takes alot of concentration--painting--good choice!  (you can come to my house and paint if you want--)  Dan's death was like a bombshell in my life, but as the years have gone by, it has gotten a bit easier.   I'm glad that you got through the day without overeating.  And I'm glad it was an easier year.  Take care.

Thanks.  I just knew that I had to do something real quick.  The bonus is that now every time that I look at my entryway I will be reminded of my success.  Lots better than looking at my stomach and being reminded of my failure.

I read earlier where someone was talking about being hungry all of the time.  I have some days like that.  Today is like that.  I've eaten just like normal, but I'm still hungry.  I haven't had as much to drink as I normally would have, though, so I'm going to drink my hunger away. 

I kind of like that hungry feeling sometimes because it is an obstacle that I can overcome, just redirect to something else.  These little victories become building blocks over time.  At the time you think, wow, I dodged a bullet, but you actually learned how to overcome it. 

I've got 17 pounds to go, so I'm sure there's a plateau waiting to happen to me any day now.  Y'al help me remember these little victories when that darn thing hits, please.

Wow!  I just read the entire thread and have decided that I really "love" women!  And as for the men that ventured into these emotional waters...good on you guys..you are brave souls!

All I want to say at this point is thank you, to all of you, for your honesty!  You have convinced me that this place can be an amazing resource!

I'm new to CC but not new to the cunning things I have done all of my life  to sabotage and undermine myself.  Like many here, my love/hate relationship with food has taken on gigantic porportions in the last 10 years as I slowly gained weight.  

This summer I will turn 55 and now have close to 30 pounds to lose.  This is how much I weighed just before giving birth 25 years ago!  I know that does not seem like much for many of you but at the rate I'm going I fear I'll still be in the same place in another 10 years!  I have started and quit countless times...each time eroding my confidence just a little more.  Sometimes, after an intial 5-6 pound loss I find myself in this funny/wierd place that I should be careful and not get too carried away???...I mean what the heck...I just started losing and I'm telling myself that I should not get too thin???!!  Talk about mind games!

Anyway, today I made choices that were respectful of my health...I read your posts and was inspired to reach out by typing this (my first time in here...  instead of reaching for food or purusing recipes...one little habit, ahem... addiction that leads me astray!

Till next time!

I guess I'm different because when I lose weight I feel happy! I feel so good that I was disciplined enough to stick to my diet and lose all the weight. I feel finally free. I can now walk into any store and buy things off of the sales rack. I am a real knockout when I am tiny though. Have men stopping them in their tracks!