End of school day fits and fights...

How do YOU handle them?

My daughter just started kindergarten.  It is all day - she is there from 9:10 to 4:10 every day.  When I go to pick her up or walk her home, it doesn't seem to matter what I do, she picks SOMETHING to get upset over.  And it usually ends up in a fight with her little sister (just turned 3).  Really bad, pulling hair, clawing fighting (which is unusual most of the time).

Hubby suggested that I take them somewhere fun after school.  Let her know before school that is what we will be doing, so that the "fun" doesn't end when school ends.  That might be a good idea once or twice, but it doesn't seem sustainable, and I do have to get home and get dinner going, and after dinner it isn't very long until bathtime and bedtime.

Any ideas and suggestions?

 

Let me start by saying I don't have children. 

That being said, I would suggest giving her some time to herself once you get home(do the fights start before you even get home?).  I know when I would get home from school I would have a snack and watch TV for a bit with no one bothering me.  Then I was ready for whatever.  My school ended considerable earlier though(3:15 in elementary school).

Also, maybe try to include your older daughter in cooking dinner then your daughters are not bothering each other.

I think she is probably tired. I don't know if I would do more "fun" stuff after school for that reason. Too much overstimulation. School is still new and she is adjusting. I know that my son comes home from kindergarten and he doesn't want to talk about school or what he did until he is ready. I like to him some quiet time so he can make the adjustment from school to home on his own.

If the fights are happening in the car on the way home, perhaps you can get a routine in the car, like having her get in the car, sing a special going home from school song, then looking for three blue cars and a white car, or something like that. just something to keep her focused and busy until she can get home and gather her thoughts.

good luck!

Thanks, Lulu - those are good ideas.

Yeah, the fussing starts when she gets within about 3 feet of me, whether we are in the car, or walking with the wagon.   Walking is the worst, because they have actually fought the entire .8 miles - with me and with each other.

Yesterday, the fights started, but younger sister decided she'd like to walk, so she got the wagon all to herself and actually laid down in it, so I think you hit the nail on the head saying she was tired.  That was a thought that hadn't formed itself yet in my mind!

I have let her pull the wagon, and that worked really well, but there is a large hill on the way, and the wagon got away from her and almost went into the street with cars going 40 mph - so I decided that wasn't a good idea, especially if little sister is riding!

I think I will leave the wagon at home today, and maybe we can play a skipping game on the way home or something. *puts creative, desperate mommy thinking hat on*

Oh, and rblanche, those are good ideas too, but when we get home, she usually does go do something calm and quiet, and if she is left alone, then she does pretty well.  The key, I'm starting to think, is to get little sister to leave her alone so she CAN have some quiet time.

I have seen this type of behavior with my nieces and it makes sense to me as an adult as well.  I know when I used to work in an office that it would drive me MAD to have someone play 20 questions with me about my day when I got home.  Let me rest and have some peace and quiet! 

I suspect your daughter is the same way.  I would avoid the "fun time" and just go straight to quiet and calm time at home.  She probably misses being able to sit with her toys and have some time to herself?  I know that works well for my two nieces - they get to pick a healthy snack when they get home, have some quiet time where they get to choose what they do, then it's homework and catching up on their day with whoever is taking care of them. 

A few more suggestions:

 

1. Praise her for good behavior.  If she is being nice to her sister, not throwing a tantrum, or otherwise acting good, PRAISE HER.  Try to "catch her" being good. 

2.  If it continues, set up a system where she can earn a treat or privilege at the end of the week or on the weekend if she refrains from being crabby (and define this for her in behavioral terms....no fighting with sister, no talking mean to mommy, etc.) each day.  Make a little chart where she can keep track of the points she earns and let her help pick out her treat on the weekend. 

Does she run anxious at all?  Is this her first time being around other children her age for such a long period of time?  Perhaps as part of your calm time at home, you could ask more about her day (what was the thing you liked best today?  the thing you liked least?).

Original Post by laura916:

A few more suggestions:

 

1. Praise her for good behavior.  If she is being nice to her sister, not throwing a tantrum, or otherwise acting good, PRAISE HER.  Try to "catch her" being good. 

2.  If it continues, set up a system where she can earn a treat or privilege at the end of the week or on the weekend if she refrains from being crabby (and define this for her in behavioral terms....no fighting with sister, no talking mean to mommy, etc.) each day.  Make a little chart where she can keep track of the points she earns and let her help pick out her treat on the weekend. 

Does she run anxious at all?  Is this her first time being around other children her age for such a long period of time?  Perhaps as part of your calm time at home, you could ask more about her day (what was the thing you liked best today?  the thing you liked least?).

 I am trying to "catch" her being good.  Most of the time, she is a really awesome big sister, and I comment on that frequently, especially if it is in a situation where I would have expected a fuss.

And she loves being with other kids.  She went to preschool last year for half days, and we had the same difficulties very frequently. 

I really think it is a difficulty transitioning from school to home, along with just being tired and needing some down time.  Is this unusual for this age?  I really would have thought that by 5, transitions would be a bit easier.  (You would think I would know this - I took child development classes!)

I was suggesting that you try to catch her being good in those moments after school. 

It sounds like much of her behavior is being driven by fatigue and that IS normal, especially since the school year has just begun.  I don't know about you, but I still find transitions to be difficult and sometimes have a hard time being nice to my bf when I've come home from a long day.  If it continues to be a problem, talk to her about it by being really specific about what is concerning you and then, again, I would implement a mini reward schedule based on good behavior.  If it REALLY becomes problem, change it so that she doesn't earn a reward (i.e., something extra), but rather earns a privilege (i.e., something she normally would get like TV time or something). 

Good luck. 

Sounds like this can be fueled by fatigue or hunger. I suggest a healthy snack that she can eat on the walk home.

My daughter has a nap or quiet time alone in her room when she gets home from school. It helps her unwind and she is less likely to lash out when we're all back together at dinner time.

Been there and done that!

I have three kids and they were all in all day kindergarten and had the same issues.  What I did was I let them take a quick little nap while I was fixing dinner which meant they got to sleep for about 30 minutes.  It made a HUGE difference in our home.  They still got to bed at night (between 8:30 - 9:00) and they got a healthy meal at dinner time without filling up on junk foods right after school. 

In our case, the Kindergarten class took a 30 minute nap during the day too and I would always check with the teachers on how that went and most of the time my kids slept the entire time and that helped too. 

I wish you well with your little ones. 

My kids are 4 and in prek from 8:30-3:15 every day.  They have "rest time" at school, but are still fried by the end of the day.  When I pick them up from school, I try to give them lots of hugs and treat them pretty gently, even though it's pretty hard because they are so cranky and whiny that all I want to do is leave them by the side of the road :-).  When they're home, they need down time and rest time - I try not to demand things from them too soon.

That being said, I have to figure out a way to keep their little sister away from them.  She's so happy to see them that I think she overwhelms them a bit.

To me, it really sounds like she's tired.  Doing something else after school would probably just result in a bigger meltdown at the end of the day.  I think she might just need some down time.  Does she have a place at home where she can putt-putt around and do her own thing?  Aside from a really long day, another thing she's picking up in kindergarten is a little independence. 

This is a new routine for her, I'm guessing, and while kids can do better with change than adults, it still effects them.

"Sounds like this can be fueled by fatigue or hunger. I suggest a healthy snack that she can eat on the walk home."

This is a great idea!   All day school is a lot for these little ones,  my kids act the same.  I would suggest that she is exhausted and hungry.   The snack will get her blood sugar up and keep her too busy to fight.  

 

Well, today, as long as one or the other was walking, and only one in the wagon, everything was fine.  I made sure to bring some water for both of them, too, since it was hot today.  I meant to bring a snack, but we had a last minute potty emergency with little sister, so that was out.

I think the stress of sharing the wagon (or the backseat of the car) is just too much to jump into.  They played nicely toward the end of our walk (it takes 15-20 minutes from school to home), and then colored some at home.  Didn't even ask for a snack before dinner (we eat at about 5:00 or 5:30)!

Thanks for all of your suggestions, guys!

Wow!  That is a long day for a kindergartner!!  Of course she's tired!  Which means it's harder to adjust to the change of a new person in control of her day and not being around Mom & sis.  Maybe it is taking longer for her to transition to the 2 different environments. Or maybe she is having issues with some of the kids in class.  Ask her teacher if everythings ok.

Fighting should be nipped in the bud.  You need to put your foot down on her behavior.  Be nice and remind her that you've been missing her ALL day and that you don't want to fight with her now that you have her back!  Plan some mommy & kindergartner time when you get home but be sure to warn little sis and find something to keep her occupied. 

With walking home from school, maybe big sis can pull the wagon since she's a big kindergartner now.  Or, bring a bucket or plastic bag with you for the girls and have them "treasure" hunt for the walk home.  My kids love doing this.  I let them find pretty rocks, shiny metal things, whatever might be considered treasure.  You can just throw the stuff away when you get home (keep the Earth clean!) or have them make an art project at the end of the week with what they find!

Odds are that this will all be a memory within a month or two of school. Good luck! :O)