Ending marriage - will need support!

Hi gang -

Yesterday, I told my husband of over 15 years that I was not happy and wanted a separation.  He took it rather better than I expected, though it's only been 24 hours.

We have two beautiful healthy kids, a beautiful home that he and his family built, we both have jobs, each have our own car, live in the country...   What's there to complain about right?

We've been to marriage counselling several times over the years, he has slept on the couch for 10+ years and we have not been intimate for over 2 years...

Recently a friend died, my age (41) and left behind her two sons aged 6 and 9 and a husband who LOVES her.  It's another thing that has happened in the last few years that has made me realize that life is too damn short to simply live comfortably.

I deserve to be happy, loved, fulfilled.  I hope I am making the right decision.  My kids are 15 and almost 14 and I have stayed this long for their sake - a strong family foundation and security - and hope that has worked and we can get through this as unscathed as possible.

Anyone been through a similar situation?

Mrsmci

I'm so sorry, mrsmci, Don't let anyone tell you that divorce will not hurt your children, teenagers though they be.  My best friend's parents divorced when she was 18, and she has never been able to trust a relationship since. 

Also, I'm afraid you won't be able to find happiness or fulfillment in the next relationship either.  That comes from within, and from God, not from a man.  Life is short, you have that right.  I'm praying that you will find the right answers to some very important questions. 

dakotadori -

I agree with everything you've said/wrote  I do expect this will hurt, IS hurting, everyone concerned.  I only meant that I hope we can get through it with the minimal amount of damage possible.

I also agree that a lot of stuff comes from within.  But I am still feeling too young to give up the personal/physical aspect of a relationship.  We've worked at it as a couple and he has no intention of changing the status quo (we talked again this evening).  I'm beginning to feel like BECAUSE I am strong, independent, have a job I love and am good at, that what I'm lacking is a partner.  Does that make any sense?

mrsmci

Apologies I tried to reply yesterday but my computer crashed and time was limited.

My details are

2002 told husband of 18 years I wanted a divorce (girls 15 & 12 years)

2003 Lived together through the divorce process (awful)

2004 Moved with 2 daughters to our new home

2007 married an amazing man

I won't lie divorce hurts everyone. Divorce isn't a walk in the park but with communication and understanding it can be easier for the children.

I agree fulfillment comes from within. Religion can be a tool, so can self develpoement courses. I have a religious identity but I love myself because of what I have learnt on self developement courses which are

1.Continued learning and unlearning - particularly unlearning (my mum was a screaming banchee when I was a child, so was my ex).

2.Creating sucess-being the best I can be, living life by my values of love, trust honesty, safety.....not carrying guilt.

3.Closer relationships- Creating bonds strong supportive ones.

My ex husband & I had not had sex since the conception of my youngest child. He is happily living in his flat with control of the tv remote.

Now both my children have happy lives and are sucessful in what they have chosen to do. The are both studing away from home and cone home regularly to visit. They normally stay with my new husband and I (yay). My new husband and I emotionally support the girls but now they too support us.

If I hadn't learned to love myself and have a good relationship with myself I couldn't have one with anyone else. My ex husband was the wrong man for me. Importantly for me we my new husband and my girls have humour and fun in our lives something huge that I didn't realise was missing in my first marriage.

I am suffering from depression which is linked to my past my mum and my ex. My new husband is brillant amazing fun and I miss him still in the day when we are working!

It seems from what you wrote that you know you are making the right decision, but that does not make it any easier to make.  I also believe, that although divorce is hard on everyone, living an unhappy life is harder because it never heals.  I hope that the "other side" of this difficult time will find you peace and happiness.  Best of luck with everything.   Christina

Mrsmci, I just had to write and say I really admire your strength in making such a difficult decision.  I wish I had some of it.  When my sister passed away at age 43, I thought the same thing that life is too short to just live comfortably but unhappily.  I haven't done anything yet but I have constant thoughts of it and plan on changing things when my daughter finishes high school in two years - but even lately two years sounds like such a long time.

Good luck to you and hope you find the happiness you are looking for. 

Wow everyone - thanks for the comments and the constructive criticism as well as the support.  It really helps me balance my feelings about right and wrong decisions.

Hello. 2 things Time will heal your children and yourself.

       &nb sp;               &nb sp; You cannot live your life unhappy.

i spent 13 years with mrs wrong and one day I said enough. Ihave found my mrs right and you can to

Cheers

Life is SO much sweeter when spent with someone you not only love but respect. I too after 12 years with Mr. Wrong...my practice husband threw in the towel. I now have THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD

Divorce IMHO is the hardest thing to go through but once you are through it and a few years post divorce life can be SO DARNED WONDERFUL.

If I had one bit of advice to share with you it would be to make sure that under no circumstances EVER do you use your children or allow your ex to use them to get even with each other. That sounds easy to do but in reality it can be very difficult. Hurting people hurt people and children can end up being the pawns in a game that has no winners. My ex pulled stunts all the time until our son had a gut full and refused to go see him for MANY years. ALWAYS take the high road and it will be better for you and your kids and strengthen the bond of love between you.

Best wishes as you go through this...it won't be easy  

msmci,

Let me tell you from a different point of view.  My parents were never happy and SHOULD have gotten divorced years ago.  Now, at 41, I am finally in a happy and stable relationship with the love of my life and life partner.  We have been married for 6 years.  He is wonderful and I would never had met him had it not been for the miserable years I spent bouncing from bad relationship to bad relationship.

Children are resiliant and as long as the communication is open, they will see that you will become a stronger person for making this choice.  Speaking from the experience of being the child caught in the middle of a BAD marriage that only ended this past year with the passing of my dad, it was 53 years of living hell.  The children can see that and they will end up mimicking it if you don't take the steps necessary to make your life what you want it to be. 

I know this as a fact and begged my dad to get divorced for many years.  The answer was - but I don't want her to get 1/2 of my pension.  Now, he is in the ground but finally at peace.  It is sad to see what could have been.