I just got engaged! How do I tell my son? What's your experience?

Well, I'm VERY happy and excited to be marrying the man I've been dating for 5 years. I'm nervous about telling my son (he's visiting grandma for another week).

He's 12 and while he's grown attached to my fiance he's never told him he loves him. I'm nervous about his reaction to the news.

What's your experience? Advice about how to broach the subject?

I was 7 when my parents met (my Mom and my Step-Dad). They got married when I was 9.

I couldn't be a happier daughter than I am now, with my Daddy in my life.

Do you treat your fiance like he is your son's Father, or is the Dad still in his life? That will make a huge difference.

If you want to, I would talk to your fiance about what he wants his role to be in your son's life now that you're marrying. Whether he wants to step up and be more of a parental figure, or if he's more comfortable not taking that responsibility on.

Your son will adjust, it may take time, but if he likes this man, as you've said 'grown attached', more than likely he will be very happy for you both, and excited too.

More details on the Father of the son are needed, and his relationship with said Father as well.

(edit: because I was so young when they married (9) and my Father wasn't around, I easily accepted my step-Dad into my life, and to this day, he's my real Dad. It will be different because your son is older, and if his Father is around)

nasuoni, thank you so much! I'm glad that your step-dad's been a part of your life.

I guess I did leave out quite a bit of useful information for not wanting to bore anyone.

My son does not have his father in his life.

My fiance plans to adopt him.

My fiance has been very present for at least 4 years though not necessarily in a father capacity. What I mean is that he hasn't been given authority over my son such as telling him to clean his room or what household rules will be. He has stepped in to help with guy questions/talk during puberty. I've heard my son refer to my fiance as his friend.

There is no tention between them. My son loves him but won't speak the words. I can see it in the "guy-fection" (the light arm punch and wrestling) that goes on during emtional situations.

I really appreciate the input from the CalorieCount crew!

Alrighty, this is positive!

There is going to be some tension once your fiance steps into the 'father' role and starts telling your son what to do and disciplining him.

BUT, your son doesn't have a father in the picture, so is going to be much more accepting of your fiance as the father figure in his life than if he already had one.

I would talk to your fiance about your concerns, and perhaps tell your son on your own, without your finace present, so that he's not afraid to voice any concerns, and/or have to hide his reaction from your fiance if it's an adverse one. Nothing worse than being told something that you have strong feelings about and then having to hide them because of the present company!

Know that more than likely there's going to be tough times (i.e. 'you're not my Dad!' 'I hate you don't tell me what to do!') but most likely your son hasn't said the words because he's afraid of your fiance leaving.

Once you are married it's going to cement in his mind that this man is around for the long haul, and adopting your son is a brilliant move on his part.

I changed my last name to my step-Father's the minute I turned 18. I wish you luck! :)

I think all of Nasuni's advice is good.  As someone who has been in your situation, I have a few things to add.

1.  Expect problems and resentment as your fiancee moves from "friend" to "father".  Your son will need time to adjust to the change.  While your son might be happy initially, a 12 year old is not going to like the idea of someone else telling him what to do.

2.  Do not undercut your fiancee around your son.  Parents must present a united front.  If you disagree with something he is doing, talk about it when your son is not present.  This is going to be really hard for you after all this time as the only parent since your fiancee is not going to do everything the way you do, but this causes the most problems and divorces with blended families.

3.  Don't be in a hurry with the adoption.  If your fiancee adopts your son,he could try to get custody in the event of a divorce.

I have a 13 year old son.  I married my husband 5 years ago.  My son and husband get along wonderfully.... but no one is pretending he is "father".  My son calls him by his first name, but does not tell him he loves him nor do I expect that he should.  I am sure he actually does.  I would make sure to tell your son that no way will your relationship with him change.  That you will always be there for him and I would not expect my husband to do the discipline.  Sure - if he sees him doing something wrong, he can, but most of the tough stuff should be up to you still. 

Congrats!

My 2cents:

 The stepparent's place isn't always actively initiating direct discipline. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers the initial consequences for misbehavior... It's important that the stepparent be active in support of that decision/rules you enforce. Extreme care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepparent is given. A stepmother is not simply one's husband's wife.  Etc. She is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home. That doesn't mean that her say goes against the biological parent though.

Every situation/family is different due to circumstances. That's fact. However: It is my general understanding/belief that unless.... Unless you as a step-mom/dad are added to the family when the children are/were very young... It will most likely be difficult for you to discipline your spouses children. Trying to discipline your nonbiological children is like skating on thin ice. It's easy to create resentment on the part of your spouse. As well as from the child in question. While I don't believe it's likely a workable situation for a stepparent to be a direct disciplinarian. I do believe it's extremely important that the stepparent be an active supporter of the biological parent's disciplinary efforts. Both biological parents and stepparents should discuss the rules of the house. That way they have already established what standards of which the children will be held accountable. That's when they negotiate an agreement for the ' said standards/rules.' That way you don't leave yourself open to be resented by your child. Or: Leave your husband open to be resented by your son and/ or you as the biological parent. Those are things that I would make clear from the start. :) That way there is no role confusion in the household.

Best of Luck!

btw: I wouldn't allow an adoption until my son opt'ed/suggested it himself. Regardless of any plans and/ or good intentions. I've yet to see that run smoothly unless it was done at a wee age. Or: Due to a child's desire/request. Even if I thought it were a wonderful idea myself I'd hold off. I wouldn't allow an adoption/name change beyond a wee age... I'd wait to see if your son shows interest and/or ask himself.

Congrats! :)

I'm a step-mom. I've been in my ss's life since he was 2yrs old. We married when he was 7. We have him every holiday and weekend in life, so from the beginning I have been able to enforce some kind of discipline (tidying up, what he eats, putting on sunscreen/taking medicine etc.- i.e. when he's in my care, he does what I ask him to?) but for 'major' things (going on school trips, problems at school etc.) my Husband steps up and deals with that. It works for us, and I have no desire to change the way he views me (calls me by my first name, knows he has to do what I tell him etc.)

I'd tell your son on his own that you're getting married. He's old enough to realise that this is a big thing- but you'll need to work out exactly how your partner is going to figure in his life- I mean, are you still going to deal with the 'big' stuff, or will you & your partner share it?

Adopting him is a tricky thing. I can see why you want your partner to do it (security etc.), but its not necessary, not yet anyway? It might scare your son a little? He might feel that it's giving your partner 'powers' to do stuff hes not ready for him to do (i.e. discipline etc.) so you'll need to figure that out too?

Good question and good advice! Good luck!