Enraged and need to rant about step kids and family

I was on vacation with my husband. It was a family reunion situation on his side.  The whole family is truly a hateful bunch. I figured I was probably low man on the totem pole. My husband has 3 kids and grandbaby. I have four kids - all below age 18. 

Tonight I took my 3 year old to the hotel room to clean him up and put him to bed and I find a large half drunk bottle of gin. My 15 year old and DH's 17 year drank it.  DH's 23 year old daugter bought it for the boys.  My son was drunk and crying. I was furious and was kind of yelling at my husband about it; which he appeared to be flustered by the situation.

Then the 23 year old - who has a 1 year old child and my husband gives about 2000 to support her in her condo in another state - has the audacity to yell at me. I was furious and said she had no right, it was illegal and that she could go to jail for it. She had her baby in the car with the two boys while she went inside the liquor store to get the booze. We thought they went to town to get soda and snacks. 

Okay so then she starts to tear up my things and slap me in my face. My little ones proceeded to cry.  I was so livid. So let me get this straight - you want to hit me now too?  She calls me a whore. She asks her dad why he even married such a whore, etc.

I drove 4 hours home tonight.  DH's 17 year old was crying; I said he could go with me. He said it was his fault because he mentioned the idea. I said it was a little bit but that she parent should have taken care of him and that being a kid also comes with stupid ideas and whereupon a parent (or guardian) should be able to make better decisons.

My children were upset because they had to leave. They so badly wanted to go because it was a fun place to go and I had decided to ignore people who would say bad things. I met new people that worked at this place who were extremely kind.

I am beside myself. I think she needed to let me calm down and accept responsibility - instead she starts making grave accusations. We support her fully. She does not have a job and can't seem to get one. She is too "proud" to get on welfare. So we also pay her insurance (COBRA).  She just sits around and sleeps all day. Her 1 year old had a hematoma - caused by intentional abuse. Ummm.  Can anyone say bad decision making and impulse control issues?   She shows up with designed clothes and suitcases for both her and her child. I am shopping at the bargain store. I am just having a hard time with all of this and I just need to vent.

I am furious with my husband for allowing her to slap me and call me names. He has to get her to the airport. I say let her find her own ride - she's a grown up. She started crying a litttle bit and told her dad that it was okay if he cut her off - she could find other people to help her.  So it's late and I am mad.   My blood is boiling. I never expected to be slapped. I have been trying to change my own attitude because I know how hard it is to be a single parent. I know that help is fine every now andthen - not 2000 - 4000 a month.  When he saw my paycheck, he said it put things in perspective. My house was small before I married him.  His kids made fun of my "tiny house." But I paid for it and had no mortgage.  It was big enough for me and my kids.

I have talked to my husband about cutting back since he lost his job, otherwise we would have no money and would be filing for bankruptcy. He agrees to my face, yet I see bank statements where he puts a thousand in, without even discussing it.  I just miss my little house, now all the more. I am not his equal.  I had recently talked to him about it. He got all teary eyed and he kept saying I was.  I clearly am not.  I know if it were my kid hitting or slapping him - there would be a whirlwind of crap coming down. They DONT dare try.

But it so enraged me to have her act like that in front of her child and in front of mine. She is manipulative.

wow, the 23 year old sounds like real trash.... report her for buying the alcohol and let her spend some time in jail for a little bit?

If she didnt have a child, i would say just cut her off (or get her in some type of program)... if she wants to trash her own life, thats fine... but the poor baby...

then again, there are countless others just like her (and even worse) running around.... its kind of late in the game to start trying to raise her.... someone should have been there the last 23 years of her life and maybe she wouldnt have ended up like she is o.O

I dont envy your sittuation for having married into a family like that ....

I sent you a PM.

Well, every family has their own set of craziness and dysfunction in some way.  Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone.

The fact that your step daughter slapped you, and all after giving your teenager(s) alcohol is not acceptable. 

Her behavior, her not having a job, and sitting around all day, all sound like she is depressed, overwhelmed, and angry. I am not a mom but I have heard that the baby blues hit many moms in different ways. This by no means excuses her actions though might be an explanation of her actions. 

I think that when the violent situation does not happen to you, then you do not realize the impact it has. I am sure that your family, or many of them, want to help you but do not know how to, or are unable to understand how you feel. (At least that is what I like to think of similar situations that I have been in.)

One thing is for sure, if you feel physically unsafe, or that your kids are physically unsafe, you should definitely get out of that location and situation. You did the right thing.

I hope that there is some solution and peace for you.

Time will help - trust me.

Ohh, my. Some of us should really start a club to support each other against abusive inlaws.

I married my husband fairly young too at the age of 19. ( He'd just turned 20. )  He was stationed in Oklahoma and cupid struck us with his arrow. But, we weren't living near his family. They're from California  and  big city people. Whereas, I'm the little small town southern girl.  The first thing his parents did was ask if I were knocked up. Explaining to him that that wasn't any reason to marry me if I were. ( I could hear because we were on speaker phone. We'd just announced it. )The second thing they did was try to fix him up with someone else, while I was also listening. ( Which they were also awareof. ) The third thing they did was tell their son to live with me ayear, then decide if he still wanted to marry me.

None of this ruffled my feathers because he's their son. I imagined that it's difficult being so far away from your child. Or accepting someone into your family especially if you've never even met them. I try to be understanding even though my family isn't that way. All you have to do is say you love our family dog, and we're open arms. Lol. I was raised a tad differently. It's so easy for me to love people that love the people I love. My sisters fiance for example he's so good to her that how could we not like him? All he has to do is love my sister to be accepted. I never realized that people were under some trial being judged by the family... Till when we moved to be closer to my husbands side of the family. We've been married for seven years. I've always sent them greeting cards, photos, and made sure we called. Visited them on our holiday time ect. Trying to be 'close ' to them even though were distant living out of state. My husband and I had been married five years before my daughter was born. It was at that time I felt selfish and wanted to give them the chance to be a part of her life.  I know my husband would do whatever makes me happiest. But, I didn't want to seclude them to only being around my family.

That was a bust.

They've always made me feel like I was 'taking ' their son away each time we left. I'd want to cry because them seemed so genuine. But, that changed once we got closer. Once we live in the same state the personal jabs started. I'm a southern girl... I say certain words with a lil girl twang. ( Or so they say. Or pronounce them in a way that isn't refined ).... I was called Amish because I wouldn't allow them to give my one year old a taste of their liquor. ( patron vodka ) I was told I'm raising my daughter to be Amish because I don't allow people to smoke around her. It was implied I'm a bad mommy because my baby naps routinely. At which time I workout/read/etc which isn't acceptable. They make a lot of 'Oklahoma jokes ' that I smile at but not really. They've also noted another unlikeable trait of mine is that I ' clean ' too much. Since I automatically try to help clean the table after family meals ect.  I was just raised to do so which they find tacky.

But, all of these personal jabs were set aside. After all, they ' appeared ' not to say anything directly horrible. They like to say things in a way that it's supposed to be taken as a joke. So I gave them the benefit of a doubt for a while. I didn't stress it even if it hurt my feelings,because I felt I was being sensitive. I just felt that I needed to try to laugh more.

We had been there a few days short of a whole year and they'd spent a total of 3 hours with my baby. That actually burns since I moved so far away from my family, which adored her. They like the concept of pretending they care when in reality they don't. My mother in law told my husband quote " I'm in a bad mood because of your nagging f'cking b*tch wife." It caused a wedge between him and his mother. I just try to soothe it because there's no point in more pointless hostility. Her words alone baffle me though because I never did anything to her. But, that was the breaking point that I realized that they actually hate me. I started noticing more and more of the ' funny jokes ' and ' nods' about me. The subtle look between people before they left the room to talk about me. It's a horrible feeling to walk into a room and know that you were just being called something negative. I was happier when I thought I was overly sensitive and they really liked me. I actually wish I didn'tknow now and they'd just done a good job continuing to fake it.

The concept "Fake it till you make it." That's the most tactful compassionate thing a person can do in some situations. Or to directly say " I don't like you." I'm still being the same me trying to get his family to come around. I sent them holiday cards and make sure that they're called on their Birthdays ect. But, I wasn't called for mine. I wasn't sent a card in return for my birthday. Or even a seasonal one ( Before we moved there I was sent them every single year.Another lil jab. ) But, I'll continue to try. Continue to try to make their grand baby available for them to know and love. That's all I cando and that's my advice to your friends boyfriend. Just try. I have to purchase Mother's Day cards for my husband to send to his mom. He's still angry by no encouragement of my own. I do everything in my power to smooth it out between them.

I spent a full year there near them in attempt to bond with his family. For my husband, my baby, and myself. I actually value family a great deal. We moved back to Oklahoma to be close to my family in April( Last year ). . . Not to spite his family but because we want to be near ' family.' Suddenly they're so much sweeter from a distance. ( I realize it's just a front but I'm okay with that.)

In April we went to visit his family for Pops 80th Birthday party in Cali. Everyone in the family was there for it.It was a wonderful party overall that everyone was enjoying. His cousin whom I've met a total of 2 times. Spent a total of 20 minutes total around tried to attack me over something on my myspace.It was such highschool/jerry springer behavior. I corrected her false assumption. I told her " No. That's incorrect it says " ... " There is also a blog that on my page that says "... " An assumption is easily corrected when someone is wrong. It's just over and done,imo. The End! That makes any further questions or the same question void. Anything further is just more nonsense from someone trying to stir an empty pot. Especially whenever the nonsense could've been defused by simply learning to read.There are enough words/blogs on my page to express my views. There is no confusion or accusations by those that take the time to read before making ludicrous assumptions. Twice: I corrected her. I told her directly that she was incorrect that she hadn't read my page. She was just making a false assumption based on something else. It's obvious that that's not true based on everything on my page/blogs. She started screaming/cursing and throwing her hand/fingers up in my face. I'm holding my daughter on my hip at the time. ( I had been holding her from the very start. ) I raised my voice to her level and said in a firm voice: " Do not patronize me. You will  not scream, curse, and throw your hands up in my  face. Period. It might be okay for you to act that way in front of your child.... Whatever the age... However,  ... It is completely out of line for you to behave like that in front of MINE or ANYONE elses. I've already corrected your false assumption directly. That's it. If you continue... There won't be any further conversations with me at all" Then she says " **** B* tch... I'll break this beer bottle over hear head. " She gestures to the one in her hand trying to lung forward at me.  I turned on my heel and took my daughter to our room and shut/locked the door. I refused at that point to say/be around her anymore. I was done. She followed after me but  family intercepted her. They stopped her taking her outside of the house... The scolded while she drunkly rambled/screamed/cursed calling me an immature ****'ing b*. My husband told her this " I will forgive you for this,  Nicole. But, I don't ever want anything to do with you again. Any attack on my wife/daughter is a personal attack on me. Any threats put into action against my family will be dealt with by me. I have no problem calling the police and having you arrested. Do you understand? Leave. " She cooed at him " Cousin... I LOVE you.. I've always loved you. It's her the immature ****ing B that's starting **** here." She attempted to hug/kiss him and he walked away. The rest of the family then helped her to her car. Her 19 year old son drove her home from there. The whole time this kid had been trying to calm his mother. He was trying to rationalize with her. "Mom, no. Listen  mom stop this... She left because you were trying to fight her while she was holding a baby... Listen mom... You threatened to crack a beer bottle over her head... While she was holding a baby.... Mom please stop lets go. Let it go." Afterwards: He came back... He actually knocked on my door.I said " My daughter is sleeping... I can't do anymore drama tonight. I don't want it around her. ( I'd spent about an hour rocking/cooing at my daughter to soothe her to sleep. She had scared the bejesus out of my toddler.) He said through the door" Ma'am. I just came back to apologize for my mother. I'm sorry. It's always been this way my whole life and people tolerate her. I just... came back to tell you I'm so sorry. " It broke my heart this boy had came all the way back to apologize for  his own mother. I opened the door and told him: It's not your fault... It's okay. I'm an adult. I'm already over it. I patted his shoulder and he gave me a hug. He said " Thank you. I'm sorry. again.. "

I can't imagine being ashamed of my own parent that way. I'll always make my daughter available to be loved. I refuse to allow people to bring their personal vendetta around us though. I'm a reasonable person. I'd do anything within reason and my power to ensure a happy family... I refuse to allow that around our daughter. Adult BS should be reserved amongst ADULTS. Do not bring your drama around or to those holding a baby/child. There is no reason someone can't wait to rant/curse/attack someone until they're in private. There is no reason children have to be burdened by the drama of an obnoxious idiot.

It's disrespectful and dishonorable to bring drama to certain places/people. There is a time and place for everything.Period,imho. Even ridiculous assumptions and behavior.It's beyond me why someone can't refrain from drama until it's suitable. Realize: If you have some premeditated nonsense you'd like to rant/disagree about do so in a respectful manner. Firstly: Assess the setting. Is this your home? Who's home? Do they want/need your drama in their home? Does it involve them? Do they mind the invasion of bs in their life? Will it upset them? Will it disrupt their household?  A special event for someone's 80th birthday?The reason for which being that it is not YOUR home. It is not YOUR place to bring YOUR nonsense into others homes without approval. Respect others dwellings! It's their sanctuary to get away from bs. They do not have to hang a sign on their door saying: " no drama " Do they? They shouldn't. Seriously? Seriously! It's supposed to be common sense out of respect for others,imo. It's a no no and frowned upon due to the action being in poor taste. People should leave their biznatching/vendetta/drama at the door. Or: At home.

 

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. Some families thrive on bogus drama. They create it... It's sad. You sound like a great mom and a wonderful wife. I hope you have some friends in real life that offer you the support your husband doesn't. I can't imagine going through these things with inlaws without mine. :(  It's disturbing that he didn't put his foot down for you. He should've stepped in as the girl's father and your husband. imho. My husband always takes a supportive/protective stance. Try talking to your husband about his lack thereof because it's honestly his place. ( if you haven't already had that discussion )  It would be appreciated by you...No doubt making your interaction with his family so much easier. It would be helpful if he stood in on your behalf as a human barrier in the future,imho... He should stand behind/beside/ and infront of you one hundred percent whenever needed.

Original Post by aschraed:

I was on vacation with my husband. It was a family reunion situation on his side.  The whole family is truly a hateful bunch. I figured I was probably low man on the totem pole. My husband has 3 kids and grandbaby. I have four kids - all below age 18. 

Tonight I took my 3 year old to the hotel room to clean him up and put him to bed and I find a large half drunk bottle of gin. My 15 year old and DH's 17 year drank it.  DH's 23 year old daugter bought it for the boys.  My son was drunk and crying. I was furious and was kind of yelling at my husband about it; which he appeared to be flustered by the situation.

Then the 23 year old - who has a 1 year old child and my husband gives about 2000 to support her in her condo in another state - has the audacity to yell at me. I was furious and said she had no right, it was illegal and that she could go to jail for it. She had her baby in the car with the two boys while she went inside the liquor store to get the booze. We thought they went to town to get soda and snacks. 

Okay so then she starts to tear up my things and slap me in my face. 

well done on not slapping her back!

you need to have a serious talk with hubby to me it shows a lack of respect for you on his part that he did not step in, when you were in the right.

and last you need to let it be known to her that if she ever raises a hand to you again you will have her arrested for assault. not to mention buying drink for your kids.

There are a lot of people with families just like ths. I always thought mine was the worst.  We would always be yelling. Now I call my dad and we have a grand time. I spent the night with my parents tonight.   My husband sent her on a plane. I know he's scare of losing his kids, but after 23 years it's a little too late. I don't know. It's really hard to know what to do.   I am so exhausted today.  I hope I get to sleep really well tonight.  I have the 15 year old with me and the others have been sent to various places for the night.

I needed to just take a break and think.  I did tell the hubster that she needs to have a strong dose of reality - either she lives on her own without financial support or we can support her through commisary through a small town that needs the revenue - his choice.  I never said he could never talk to her or see her, but she is not allowed around me or the children at this point. I told him that she was not welcome in our house any longer.  He sent her on a plane back home.

Fine with me, but the condo she lives in that he pays for will no longer be available and he needed to evict her. He keeps buying into her schemes as she is very crafty "Oh I know I was wrong. I am making a list on how to get on my own." I told him, she can make that list at her friend's house or on the street corner. The baby's paternal grand mother wants that baby. The baby will not go homeless.  I could care less if the mama does at this point, but I know she will understand - life isn't fair. You don't wake up with Oleg and Cassini pants on (usually) unless you have a good job or your partner does. 

My dad spends much of his time worrying about it. I also called a counselor today. I will start going and get a game plan going.  DH and I will both go and perhaps make decisions on what will happen and how. He says he is being "sneaky" and playing her games. I am not tolerating it. I am done.  I almost closed out her bank account today and sent her a text telling her to open her own account and make sure the auto drafts are set up appropriately.  It's our money.  Not hers.  I feel like my DH was deceitful about that as well. I would ask if she needs money or had it and he would say no when he gave her a thousand bucks and pays for her COBRA because she stopped going to school.

We pay for medical for the baby when mom clearly qualifies for Medicaid. the mom says she is too prideful to get on food stamps and TANF (or whatever it's called) because she won't not wear her nice (designer) clothes to the medicaid office.  Yet she won't get a job. She wants someone else to take care of it.  I say phooey!

if someone baught my 15 and 17 year old gin...family or no family i would have called the police.....marriage is a 50/50 situation and if that is not the case, you kinda have to lay down the law...not saying leave, but if your head is barely above water, you cant keep holding her up....she obviously is not to proud to cash daddys checks....let her take care of herself.....

sounds like he never stood up to her and wont. how long have yall been married? im just wondering if its a relatively new situtation and shes asserting that shes the boss of her dad and not you? idk just a thought.

thats awful. you are his wife! who writes the checks? if its you i wouldnt send her another or allow him to until she can learn to respect you.

I think I remember your post from a couple months back about this as well.   I really would set an ultimatum here for your husband.  She gave two children alcohol and slapped you in the face?  She takes two grand from you every month and you guys are looking at bankruptcy??  You are obviously still having the same problems.  I am sorry for that.  Look, I think you know what you need to do regarding the 23 year old daughter.  Why should she actually DO anything if she has everything paid for by her father.  Cut the woman off, and kick her out.  She is not a child...she is a woman!  She is 23, and acting like a child because she is treated like a child by her father.  If your husband really loves her, then he will do this.  He has been enabling her from what it sounds like, her whole life. 

Counseling is needed here, especially for him!  What is this guy doing???  He is NOT treating you as his equal.  I would really stand up for yourself and your kids here, and tell hubby enough is enough.  He obviously can not do this himself. 

I am SOO sorry you are going though this!!!  I would kill my hubby if this were me!

My husband and I had a long talk about this last night.  We set some boundaries to paper and signed them.  I am going to take care of me first.

Today we get this email and she makes up all these thing I allegedly did to her to justify her actions.  IDK what she is talking about.   I asked my husband about them. She said she tried to talk to me.  Which she never has. We spent some time together - not a whole lot. She never mentioned anything she was upset with me about.

 

wow.  She is definitely acting like a child.  There is no excuse for tearing up a person's things and physically assaulting someone. 

Good for you with setting boundaries with hubby and signing a sheet of paper.  I really hope hubby will be able to confront his daughter and cut her loose.  I really wish the best for you, and I really feel your frustration. 

so who does he believe?

sounds like a step in the right direction though. good for you!

She's lucky that you didn't call the cops and press charges for assault and endangering a minor.  Both would have been appropriate imo and I probably would have done both.

Divorce is sounding like the only option to protect you and your finances from your husband's children and his spendthrift ways.  He knows that sneaking around behind your back and giving his kids money is inappropriate and yet he continues to do so.  You can't keep him from doing this as long as you have joint accounts and assets.

I'm wondering you married this man. Did you not know he was supporting this child? I can understand not knowing distant family relationships. You need to separate your accounts from him immediately. I too smell a divorce.

I feel horrible but not horrible enoough to feel so bad for her that she will be permitted to do this. It was good in a way because it backed up what I have been saying to my husband. I guess what's hard is that she just makes up stuff. Her M O is to agree and appear like she's trying really hard. So for her she's justified in hittig. I did try to call. My husband and I agreed that it was extreme and discussed whether he wanted the relationship to work. I would never allow this out my children. But making up lies just seems way psychotic to me and calling me childish and then even blaming my husband. He said he never said to go get alcohol but she keeps saying she did. She also writes, "she's your wife you coose her but you shouldn't have to choose.". Like I made him decide that. I never said he couldn't have a relationship with her. She simply can't be near me to do it. What was also interestring was when she was at the airport they threatened to call the police bc of some outburst

Original Post by aschraed:

I feel horrible but not horrible enoough to feel so bad for her that she will be permitted to do this. It was good in a way because it backed up what I have been saying to my husband. I guess what's hard is that she just makes up stuff. Her M O is to agree and appear like she's trying really hard. So for her she's justified in hittig. I did try to call. My husband and I agreed that it was extreme and discussed whether he wanted the relationship to work. I would never allow this out my children. But making up lies just seems way psychotic to me and calling me childish and then even blaming my husband. He said he never said to go get alcohol but she keeps saying she did. She also writes, "she's your wife you coose her but you shouldn't have to choose.". Like I made him decide that. I never said he couldn't have a relationship with her. She simply can't be near me to do it. What was also interestring was when she was at the airport they threatened to call the police bc of some outburst

Wow. It's honestly a lot of bs drama that amuses some people. I expect disagreements, but not arguments. If we truly have an argument, then we need to take a step back. A disagreement may be about something that doesn't require a consensus to move forward. Then I suggest that we agree to disagree, as in "religion and politics," and not try to convert the other person (my own family/friends usually can follow this philosophy). If we must reach a consensus to move forward (and I'm a negotiator by nature -- no temper tantrums), I'm quite willing to negotiate a compromise. It may be by the flip of a coin, or even by my concession to their wishes, with the condition that we reach parity through later compromises. I think it's important for a people to feel that they're being treated fairly under all circumstances. I will do anything within reason to ensure happy relationships.  (In general and with my siblings/family/inlaws. ) I wouldn't say that is the most important thing in life, but its a big ++.

It isn't until the death of a parent that some people begin to realize enough is enough.  ( me: for example. )My father used to hold the family together with his fist of iron. Nobody wanted to disappoint him. People behaved well simply because he was the emotional barrier. He refused to let everyone behave beyond a certain level of immaturity. People forget that parenting is supposed to guide a child to grow into a mature adult. Kids are going to grow into an adult regardless so long as you keep them alive, Lol.. There are so many "adults" who look like grown-ups, but don't act like them. Especially when faced with stress/disagreements/frustration. These are the babies/brats of adulthood. The adults who pout/ scream/ curse/ name call/ rant/ blame/lie/accuse/ fight and shame their way through life.


Whenever things don’t go their way, you can count on them to throw a tantrum! This is because their perspective is limited to themselves. They're the only one that matters to them.


Emotional intelligence is essential to an adult's ability to act maturely. It's important to prepare your approach/reactions in a rational/logical manner. Relationships evolve/morph into different types with age. I think you should talk to your husband about good parenting. His daughter is trying to control the situation out of frustration. He needs to ' help her' by showing her some tough love.  In putting up an emotional barrier until he can rationalize circumstances change. People change. His role to other people also changes as they change into adults. His relationship  should have matured with his daughter a long time ago. Even under extreme stress/pressure/frustration we have to act with intelligence... not just emotion. It's human nature for our emotions to get the better of us sometimes. The reason she's so good at pressing daddy's buttons is because she installed them.  The forgive me/excuse me/tolerate me button needs to go bye-bye. Tell him to take the logical approach and remove them now. For her own good and for the sake of your marriage. He needs to take a giant step back so he can rebuild his relationships  with his daughter. She's been given into one too many times for her own good.My husbands/daughters relationship with my inlaws doesn't have anything to do with me. That doesn't mean that I will tolerate unacceptable behavior though. I refuse. I have no problem calling the police/having them arrested... Under circumstances that call for me to do so... I consider you overly kind/passive in your approach to the circumstances. There is no reason you shouldn't have had her arrested,imho.I would've. Regardless of whether or not my hubby liked it. I  just wouldn't have remained his wife after the fact. That is if he decided to make it an issue between us. The lack of support/respect he's showing to you isn't acceptable to me.

A person that is willing to change/compromise is more likely to see results,imo.  Tell your husband that it's time for a big change. Some people only want results they aren't willing to change/compromise. He needs to rebuild a new relationship with his daughter. One that has zero tolerance. There should be no doubt of his supportive stance in your corner. He wouldn't remain my husband without changing that. She no longer has any excuses to use to justify her behavior. She has full accountability as an adult now.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Emotional intelligence is essential to an adult's ability to act maturely. It's important to prepare your approach/reactions in a rational/logical manner. Relationships evolve/morph into different types with age. I think you should talk to your husband about good parenting. His daughter is trying to control the situation out of frustration. He needs to ' help her' by showing her some tough love.  In putting up an emotional barrier until he can rationalize circumstances change. People change. His role to other people also changes as they change into adults. His relationship  should have matured with his daughter a long time ago. Even under extreme stress/pressure/frustration we have to act with intelligence... not just emotion. It's human nature for our emotions to get the better of us sometimes. The reason she's so good at pressing daddy's buttons is because she installed them.  The forgive me/excuse me/tolerate me button needs to go bye-bye. Tell him to take the logical approach and remove them now. For her own good and for the sake of your marriage. He needs to take a giant step back so he can rebuild his relationships  with his daughter. She's been given into one too many times for her own good.My husbands/daughters relationship with my inlaws doesn't have anything to do with me. That doesn't mean that I will tolerate unacceptable behavior though. I refuse. I have no problem calling the police/having them arrested... Under circumstances that call for me to do so... I consider you overly kind/passive in your approach to the circumstances. There is no reason you shouldn't have had her arrested,imho.I would've. Regardless of whether or not my hubby liked it. I  just wouldn't have remained his wife after the fact. That is if he decided to make it an issue between us. The lack of support/respect he's showing to you isn't acceptable to me.

 I did dial 911.  I could not get through - I was in a small, Texas town.  I had to leave because she was irrational and I was so angry I was not able to be calm.  It got heated and the only person I could control was myself and remove the kids from what was going on.  I also had her 17 year old brother just crying because he lives with her and he felt scared and abandoned. He is her advocate.  She teaches him how to manipulate. Dad is aware. It hurts. 

Dad realized he messed up.  He is a push over. He told her that he was cutting her off. He also told his mother the next morning he could not keep supporting her.  Also, he is hiring an attorney to evict her.  He keeps trying to get the daughter to help him.  The MIL told DH not to cut her off. My husband told MIL that MIL could pay a couple of thousand dollars to her every month and have her spit in her face.  So I guess the in-laws gave her money.  Which is good.  I don't think it will continue, but fine.

I am willing to accept what role I played.  I was already upset and venting to my husband. She came into our room, without knocking, looking for a fight. I was trying to calm down. I didn't go directly to her. I was sitting on the bed.  I continued to do so.  She walked up to me.  I was trying to get the facts but was also upset.  My husband and I don't usually have fights, my voice was excited but I was not yelling at him.   He understood that and we were talking it out.   He is very quiet. 

I wish law enforcement had answered.  I thought about that this morning. I used to feel bad for her situation. It is my assertion that she is deceitful and she was say and do anything to get her way.  I feel bad for homeless people too. But I don't go buy them a condo.  They just have to "figure it out" like everyone else.  I seriously thought about taking my husband to a random street corner and just hand the guy holding the sign a $1000.  What's the difference?  Not much... Except this guy would not likely spit in our face (metaphoric or literal).  And he'd probably be far more appreciative.

I just don't trust this gal (23 year old).  I also told my husband that I am going to take care of me first now. I did put 50K in my bank personal bank account.  I did tell him that his word means nothing as he seems to keep going back on it.  I also told him that his actions are what will speak to me.  I also said I don't need things to make me happy and that if he chose to remain "married" to his daughter that was fine. She would stick with him until the money ran out.  

He says he feels like he's abandoning his kid and that this is hard for him.  I can relate, but I don't see how he's abandoning her.  She is being allowed to be an adult. I can't see him doing that. He speaks softly to her.  He is an advocate with her to the best of his ability.  I stayed with my parents for a couple of days.  I needed to get away. My parents think he's great. They like him. He is genuine. I would never stop loving him. He is trying to take action.  He warned the daughter that she needs to move all of her bills out of their joint account because he wasn't putting money in.  I do have access to the account.  He saw that I took a large sum of money and he agreed and was scared at first but realized that he helped to create insecurity.  He has been in agony.  He doesn't respond to her when she says ugly things about me.  He reassures me that he is placing me first.    

Another thought on my mind is her baby.  I know it's tough being a parent, especially a single parent.  She has been going through a long drawn out battle with the baby's dad and dad's mother.  I kept hearing how this guy was violent.  But what I saw was she was also violent. I heard these horrible things about him and believed her.  Her lies are venomous and I am also worried about the baby.  The baby is precious.  I am saddened that we don't/aren't able to spend more time with her.  The 23 year old does lack maturity, but she has not really had much opportunity to practice. She lives in a  fantasy world.  It's hard to tell truth from fiction with her.  She does not have a job, yet she cannot get on food stamps and her baby does not qualify for medicaid.  She says she is too proud and besides no one will talk to her. 

Yesterday my husband was at the pharmacy and he saw this CHIPS insurance, where the parents pay for it.  She told him she did not qualify for even that.  I worked in social services so  I know far better. Even with her assets she could have gotten at least that.  . I believe her to lie.  He started to grab it.  I told him and I hope it sunk in "She is a grown up.  She needs to be in charge of her life and hasn't asked you about your opinion. Stop trying to assert it."  If she wants to pay for private insurance, she will.  If she wants to pay all the private agencies, she will. 

Another thing "no" in and of itself is a complete answer.  Except to me...(okay that was a joke)...

I have to admit here that I aside from all of this. I did do a little revenge spending.  I went and bought a Blackberry. I rarely get anything from myself.  It was a used phone I had and the lady at the cell phone company wondered how long it had been since I got a new phone (it was one of those old chunky phones that might have been cool 10 years ago).  So if I have these choppy messages, it means I am working off the Blackberry.  I have been having a great time playing with my new phone.  I also took my mom out to dinner with the two younger boys (6 and 3).  The other kids were off playing with others so they did not get to go.  My dad was playing poker.   Kind of sad because it was his Father's Day dinner.  But my mom and I enjoyed it for him.  I guess lack of planning on my part doesn't constitute emergency on his.  These are good peeps (my parents).  But alas me and my mom and the two little boys did go to the Japanese Steak House and we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.  The little boys were impressed with the chef's skill of paying with fire and knives.  I thought perhaps they might have been jealous, but they loved watching him.  My three year old was a hoot as he kept saying he wanted to be a Japanese chef.  The chef couldn't keep from laughing.  They kept telling him not to play with fire.  Kids are so concrete in their thinking at that age.  But it was fun to watch them and the chef. I did get the lobster Tandori ($50).  I ate all of 5 bites and said I was full. Which I was.  I also ordered a couple of appetizers because my mom only ordered a salad.  She has Alzheimer's so it's hard to tell if she's just not hungry or she's not sure what to get.  The boys never had calamari - which I think for good reason... they liked it.  They also had plenty to gnosh on later.  It was a treat for them as well.  They even drank root beer from the bottle!

To make the dinner part up to my dad - my mom and I went to Cheesecake Factory.  We bought two pieces of cheese cake.  Hence we were to full to sample each, but we took two small bites, had them in a doggie bag to let my dad have them.  We ran into some old friends while we were out.  I was happy to see them.  These, ironically, are also people I would go to in times of crisis.  I had already called one of them.  The other was out with her grandkids.  So we didn't have much time to chat.

The little boys spent some time that night with a relative.  I spent some time resting and taking it easy. I thought about going to the spa to get some work done.  Since I'm on a roll, right?  But it was late in the day.  I was too tired.  My mom was getting tired.  We went home and just sat quiet.