Err... dating question.

I'm a grown woman and I'm sorry that I even have to ask about things like this.  But I've never met anyone like the man I'm seeing right now, and I really haven't been in a potentially serious relationship for some time - years, actually.

Does there have to be a 'where is this going' talk?  I think there's an understanding that neither of us are seeing other people, but not because we agreed to be exclusive, but becuase neither of us are seeing other people.

I am ashamed to say that I DO want to talk about making it exclusive.  I don't know if its a security thing for me, or that its just exciting because things are going so well I just want to firm it up.

We've been seeing eachother for 2 months.  We pretty much talk every day.  Distance with both home and work for each of us is a bit of an issue, but we see eachother at least once a week, maybe twice.

A male coworker of mine recommends waiting to see how things go for the holidays - if either decides to invite the other to a family gathering.  But how do I know if that would be too much to extend a family holiday invitation?  That would kind of freak me out, if I were invited to meet the whole big family in one shot.

I don't know guys... I'm the over-analytical female.  Any advice other than "just relax!"?

Okay so in my relationship I'm the laid back one and he's over-analytical so I may not be much help, but I think it would be ok to have a casual conversation about it. You could say something like "I really like you and I know I definitely don't need to be seeing anyone else, what do you think?" That said, if you feel this good about things your instincts are probably good and he's on that track too.

I agree, doing the whole huge family gathering thing after only 2 months would be super stressful. Is there a gathering of friends / co-workers you could invite him to instead? That's a bit more casual and date-friendly as opposed to husband-material-friendly.

That said JUST RELAX. :)

Hi. I'm sure you'll get all kinds of differing opinions on this one, but here's my two cents:

In my experience, I've never had a "where is this going" talk if it's obvious that we both want to be together and equally obvious that neither of us is seeing other people. If both people are so happy and in love, nobody would even want to date anyone else, no need for discussion. In the throes of a passionate burgeoning relationship, to even think about seeing anyone else would seem outlandish! That is the kind of situation that doesn't require "the talk".

However, if you would like some additional security, I doubt bringing up "where are we going" would really matter if the man really is into you. He will be happy to provide you with whatever reassurance you need. If this makes him uncomfortable, you may get a good inkling that he's not into commitment.

 That said, 2 months is really early on in a relationship for that kind of talk, especially since you only see each other once a week or so. With that in mind there is a fine line. I'd definitely stay away from suggestions of marriage or children or even your vacation plans for next summer together.

I hope that helps. In the meantime- congrats on your new love! And I know you don't want to hear this- but relax and enjoy the ride (especially the fun butterflies)!

if you want to see only him then you should be honest.  but, as the otehr have mentionned, since you haven't been together very long he might take that as meaning: let's do the family holidays thing.  that might freak him out.  o don'T really bring it up.  just say you want to take it slow still, but take it to the next level and try being exclusive.  it's always works for me.

The talk is unnecessary - I didn't have it with my bf, I just stopped dating other people and so did he - it was implied by the amount of time/contact we had. As an adult dating I don't think it's as necessary as when you're younger because people generally have more respect for one another in the dating world. I'd say if you're communicating daily (phone/email/etc) and are open about what daily life is about and seeing each other a couple times a week then there isn't much need for a talk. Sometimes guys can freak out over the talk ... I generally avoid it if at all possible because it makes you look a bit insecure.

The conversation of xmas will probably come up in the next 3 or 4 weeks on it's own, so just chill for now and enjoy the ride!

If you need the talk, have it. Follow your heart.

One of two things will happen: He'll either feel the same or he won't. You have to decide if you are ready for either of those things and act accordingly.

Life is too short to waste on waiting, wondering or worrying.

I just asked my husband why, after dating for only three months, he invited me to his family reunion way back when.

"I don't know.  I thought it'd be fun.  It never occurred to me that it was a family thing."

Some guys are clueless to those sorts of things.  Only you know your man.  If you feel you need to have the talk, do so.  If you're afraid to mess it up or go too fast for him, wait till after the holidays.  I think waiting is a good idea as long as you're comfortable with it that way.

I'm the last person that should be offering advice on this subject so just remember free advice is worth what you paid for it.  But I think two months is a very short time to be seeing someone and that "having the talk" at this point could kill the relationship.  I know the holidays are stressful for any relationship and especially so for a new one like yours.  I'm sure that the topic of the holidays will come up but I wouldn't expect to blend with families at this point in an adult relationship.

I say relax, take it as it comes, and don't obsess over it and it either will or it won't workout. Life is short but I don't think you should be waiting wondering, or worrying.  I think you should be living your life they you were before you meet this guy and let the relationship develop gradually. I also believe that forcing the issue is a recipe for disaster.

Just ask him. It doesn't have to be all emotional and drawn out. I'd do it somthing like this

"Hey Friend, we've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. How would making it exclusive sound?"

Simple, open ended question. Just a few sentences, and they aren't too demanding or manipulative. It doesn't reveal too much, so if he doesn't want too yet, you can recover quickly.

Or, give it some time, see if he as into you as you are into him, find out...then if he isn't....move on sistah !

I am no one to give advice though, I married my husband 10 months after we met. I do not think there is some sort of standard waiting period. Follow your heart as well as your head.

I'm with Kathygator - listen to your heart. 

I think Tom makes a good point. I think women tend to jump the gun, and all too often tend to paint themselves in a corner because of it.

But that's trickeration, and there's no place for trickeration between adults. :)

IMO you can never assume in relationships! It's a simple question really.... asking whether he wants to be exclusive, that is. It will NOT be as big a deal as you are making it out to be. If he does want to be exclusive then he might be wondering the same thing as you! And if he does not, aren't you glad you brought it up and aren't "assuming" things that are not true?

I think you should bring the holidays up now, not later... you don't have to invite him right off the bat. Just ask him what he's doing for thanksgiving. DON'T wait for the man to do everything in a relationship... it belongs to you too! Good luck!

Here's a slightly different take--

My brother's first date with the woman who is now his wife was to my wedding!  Nothing like jumping in with both feet, huh?  We loved her immediately.

And I met my now-husband's family within the first month of our dating.  Mind you, we were really young then, but I didn't take it as some sort of test run for an engagement, but rather that he really liked me and wanted the people most important to him to meet me as well.

I guess this is a long response to imply that, if you introduce it well, family events don't have to be scary or laden with lots of meaning.

And as far as the "where is this going" conversation, I agree with the posters who suggested something very casual that isn't likely to freak him out.  I'd try something like, "You know, I'm not really seeing anyone else now that I've met you.  And I don't plan on it.  How do you feel about that?"  But I am definitely a "talk it out, know where I stand" kind of person.

Good luck!  And enjoy this wonderful, wonderful time!

Original Post by kathygator:

But that's trickeration, and there's no place for trickeration between adults. :)

 "trickeration" is now my favoriteist word EVER.

Thank you all for your thoughts!

I'm going to take it easy, go with the flow, and enjoy the way things are going.  I couldn't ask for better at this point, and if its not broke, don't fix it, right?!  And it IS early, but the cool thing is that everything has been going so well and its been so easy, that I know the whole 'talk' thing isn't necessary, especially now.  I've realized that I don't really need the validation, either.

It really depends on you and him...for my part, I don't have that kind of talk, at some point it just feels right and I stop introducing them as a friend and start introducing them as a boyfriend.  I do try to check before even going on a date with them that we have at least some things in common and try to screen out the players.  I don't particularly want to meet their family and friends until we've actually established a connection and won't introduce them to mine unless I really feel that a serious relationship is a possibility.  Having said that I'll invite them to a friendly BBQ or something casual like that instead of doing a formal introduction.

If you're talking pretty much everyday and you're relaxed about it and so is he then you're well on your way to an exclusive relationship anyway.  When you think about it, does he really have the time, energy, and inclination to date more people?  You don't, so I wouldn't think that he would either.

Regarding sex, I don't share and I'm very clear on that expectation.  Emotions aside, it's just not safe to have a partner with multiple partners.

If you are having sex, you definitley need to ask if you are dating exclusively. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out, just simple and to the point.

Whatever you do don't tell him "WE NEED TO TALK" red flag city. Just slide your question in during normal conversation and see how he responds/reacts.