Why is everyday so hard?

Why do I wake up everyday and let my mood be decided by the number on the scale? 

Why do I look in the mirror fifteen times just to tell myself that my stomach is getting bigger?

Why is recovery so hard?

I am constantly teetering on the edge of wanting recovery and wanting to maintain even though i know that maintaining is not healthy.  I have lived this way for so long that it is hard to break habits.  I am constantly trying to push through but i really feel so inadequate sometimes.  Does anyone else have these stupid thoughts?  I guess I just really need some support right now because i know that i have gained weight this week, but i don't want to overexercise and make myself even more miserable and i definitely do not want to restrict. 

Usually, the weekends are a really hard time for me because i get distracted with everything and I don't eat adequate amounts of food.  In fact, this past weekend was really terrible because i didn't eat anything until dinner on Sunday night and that was definitely not enough food for a 2500 calorie diet.  I am such a failure and i don't deserve any of your support because i know that nothing in life is easy.  I really shouldn't even be typing this because i know what i need to do.  Ugh.  Why do I hate myself so much?

Don't you see it?!?!?! RIGHT THERE, "I'm such a failure" - THAT'S not YOU talking! That's the ED!

Did you ever see "The Exorcist"?

Did you ever watch "Intervention"?

When you're standing on the brink of victory and a big breakthrough, the most deeply anti-YOU, self-defaming thoughts of intense self-degradation come out. They're the wall, the cement bricks BREAKING, breaking that wall that surrounds whatever part of you is hurt and bruised and brought about the whole ED for starters.

TELL THE ED TO SHUT ITS FACE! Whenever you feel those thoughts of "I'm a failure, I suck at everything," etc. come out, you know that its not you. Use it as inspiration to go on.

Every day IS hard. But you are making it. YOU ARE MAKING IT.

When I was 16, I tried to kill myself very seriously and was in the hospital for a week. What did I feel like when I was in the ER waiting for DOZENS and DOZENS of staples to keep me from bleeding? I felt like a failure. "I can't even kill myself right," I thought.

What if I had???? WHAT IF I HAD? What if I hadn't been the kind of "failure" I thought I was? Then I wouldn't be 26 - nearly one week away from the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of the night I tried to commit suicide - and typing to you, drinking lemonade and watching my two beautiful daughters play in our modest townhome that we bought so that I could stay home with them while my husband - who is THE GREATEST [not to mention hot!] - works hard but knows that I work hard too. We are thinking ten years ahead - to a time when we have a bigger house with land and space and our two girls are on the cusp of adulthood and we can think ahead to the FOLLOWING ten years.

DREAM girl! Dream of health and recovery and how good you'll feel and look.

And remember: if you're a failure to your ED, that's a freakin' good thing!

I can relate. For me I can know what to do but shutting off the feelings and anxiety is a different story. I think it is good you posted this to get more support. I am sorry it is a struggle for you as well. I know for me my ed was almost a way of life I had it so long. Being healthy is almost like living in a foreign country. I often have split personality. I know for though I can't give in to the ed side because it is too hard to get back on track. It will never be easy because it is recovery. You stated weekend is hard so I encourage you to make a plan and stick with it. Also what are excuses. I used to always say I will do X tomorrow but now work on what I can do today. Can you make a list of what goals you want in life and what the ed has taken away? I feel for me building a life though it is hard from nothing almost helps me want to give up the ed.

Of course you should post up,you deserve help and support as much as anyone else does.

I can relate to what your saying, theres a huge want to recover but at the same time theres something holding you back, something you just cant let go of. I to am struggling with this, I know Im holding onto something but I cant figure out what.

You have to work out what is it about recovering that is scaring you? Why are you scared to move forward and let go?

As for the weekends, I find the weekends difficult as well, mainly because during the week I have such a structure, going to work etc. So maybe just try to plan ahead your weekend and really stick to it.

Unfortunately looking in the mirror and thinking those thoughts really is your ED talking to you. Dont weigh yourself every day, your worth more than a number on a bit of plastic. Your weight varies too much daily anyhow to get an accurate results with every day weighing. Its hard to break free from ED thoughts and ahrd to silence them but you just have to try your best. Think of it this way you are miserable at the minute and if you dont give recovery a shot then your just going to stay miserable, so why not try moving forward a little and see how things go?

 

Thank you everyone for replying and giving me support.  Some days are so much harder than others.  I get very anxious around my mother because she is always analyzing and watching what I eat.  I really hate the food police attitude.

Also, I know that I am more than a number and that i need to stop weighing myself.  These stupid habits and routines that ED makes me do are terrible.  I just want to be normal and eat freely, but it is all so scarry.  I do need to be more attentive on the weekends, but i am with my boyfriend all weekend and he can eat just about anything without gaining an ounce. 

I do need to make a list of goals.  For staters, I hope that after ED I can actually enjoy life again and be more focused with my work and my life.

I think about it like this: Numbers were invented by man to make sense of the unexplained thimgs we're surrounded by. Your body is not man made; it is an extremely beautiful and intricate thing that exists on a completely different level than man made things. Your soul- your very being- who you are is so much more than a man made invention. You can and SHOULD not equate your self worth to a number on a scale! (Yet another made man invention) You're so much more than that!

If you are not already taking a multivitamin and perhaps an extra B12 tablet, I suggest doing so - religiously!  I never thought I needed vitamins because I ate healthy - and I've taken vitamins before and they didn't do anything it seemed.  That was because I'd quit after 2 or 3 days.  Recently I have been making sure that I am taking the vitamins when I weigh (once a day) and to my surprise, I have improved mentally and emotionally, and it doesn't feel fake like when I took Zoloft:  I feel like a better me!  At the same time, I've also been adding in a habit of picking up for 10-15 minutes around my living room to feel calm and not out of control.  Maybe it's both of those things, but I'm convinced it's mostly the daily use of vitamins.  Peace to you.