everyone thinks im a B*tch. this is my contribution to health and support

when i was inpatient i did a lot of reflecting. i came to realise this disorder had its cause and cure within my mind. and if i really wanted to be free of it, i had to tell it to leave. i wrote this poem. this is hard to share. i know i dont have many friends on this board, but to those of you who think i am harsh and bitter - im not. sure its not poetry of the greatest quality, but it was about recognising the demon within. and choosing to be free

i just think the only way out of this disorder is through fighting tooth and nail.

Get Out.

I always thought that something else would lead me a stray in life,  something else would cause the grief, the pain, the tears, the hurt and strife.

you came from behind the curtin, crept up or so it seems, now you've consumed all my ambition, you've shattered all my dreams.

you commanded all the orders to drive beyond the pain, to push beyond the limits, to ignore the signs of strain.

you stole my sense of humor, you left me harsh and cold. I'll probably never know - the damage left untold.

you made me question nature - the body i received. does someone really have a plan - is God to be believed.

you'v taken all my logic with your counter voice, you've stolen all my common sense - you've robbed me of my choice.

you've torn me from my family, you've split me from my friends, you make me wish it all would stop - for me  - that life would end.

you leave me here in darkness, fighting back the tears, you haunt me with the nightmare of black unfounded fears.

i hate you as you fester, right within my soul - though in your absense i'm afraid - of the void, the gaping hole.

But somewhere deep inside me is a clear though tiny voice, saying "you have all the answers, you still have a choice"..

i know that i can bring some fun - from faces draw a smile, i can lighten life and warm some hearts - if only for a while.

i can rise above you - i can rid you from my soul. replace other peoples' love and warmth within that gaping hole.

I can conquer Everest - continue on my trip. i can face you back down - be released from within your grip.

because you're not privvy to my friendship - you have no grace to cause me strife. you're not part of who i really am. you are not welcome in my life.

so take the emaciation  - close the door now as you leave. i dont want a guant skeletal mass. i want the body i received.

Oh wow. That's extremely well written, it gave me goosebumps. I've not suffered with this illness, but I found I could relate! Very very nice.

Fidget, that's an amazing poem. You obviously have a talent for writing and a creative soul. Thanks for being brave enough to share - I can relate to it all way too much. I am recovered now but I look back and think that your poem completely encapsulated the way I felt: so trapped but knowing that only I could fix myself. Reading your poem made me feel sad for what you and I and so many others have been through, but proud at the strength I had to recover, the second chance at life I have been able to create for myself, and the strength I see in others who are fighting mental illness.

I would also like to say, I don't think you're a b*tch. So many times I've appreciated your direct voice in these forums when way too many posters simply offer sympathy and in many cases really enable others' EDs to continue.

Hope you don't mind if I add you

bravo! .... really bravo. you touched neruda's soul with that poem.

gonna read it again :)

damn thats the 2nd of your posts over the last 12hrs thats made me well up when i read it!

That was hugely considerate and big of you to decide to share that and open up to everyone. You should feel very very proud of yourself.

And i think you Think a lot of people hate you on here; the people who's opinions matter (those with a true understanding of an ED and recovery) know what youre doing and the advice you give is only ever from the kindest place possible, and have nothing but admiration for you.

That was a really touching poem. I dont think your a b**** at all, you just say the truth and get straight to the point. I find your posts very helpful because sometimes you help the person to see exactly what the problem is and you dont dance about the subject.

Thank you for sharing that, Im sure it wasnt easy to do

thank you - those comments are very graciously received. truly. sorry for makn you cry ktjo!

my point of putting it up, is that i struggled too. at times i hoped life would end. i cried the same tears. and suffered the same loneliness.

i know i am harsh. but i am not bitter. i understand the pain. but i think the key to recovery comes from within. and that was revealed to me when i wrote that. all the power lay within and the freedom was something i didnt need to find.

i already had it

people think you're a B*tch because your give good, straight forward advice. You don't sugar coat things, which is a good thing for ED questions because it leaves no room for doubt or interpretation.  Most people ask a question and want a certain answer and when people give them an answer they don't like - the real answer - they get mad.   I know when I was in the worst part of my ED I asked questions so i would get a certain answer and then in my mind my actions were justified.

Your poem is amazing and everything you said is true for me too.  I battled my ED in my head and once I realized that's where the answer was I worked on it and I won.  And I too fought as hard as I could to get better.  Recovery isn't easy - its the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my 30 years - and it really sucks while you're in the middle of it, but the pay off is beyond words.

Keep doing what you're doing- its people that don't enable (like you) that helped me get to where I am and if you have to be a little tough in order help others then so be it.  There is such a thing as tough love and that's what you do... dancing around answers and giving ambiguous answers doesn't really help anyone in the long run.

Thank you.

oh that is a wonderful poem.

Fidget you know I don't think you're a bitch at all - I think you're amazing, an inspiration and I think it's fantastic the way you don't tiptoe round people who clearly need a kick up the backside - myself included. <3 Love you to bits, and this post made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up (not lanugo, haha)

Don't let anyone get you down - if people choose not to hear your great advice, ignore them. They will just have a harder battle on their hands.

thank you... God, i got goosebumps on my arms there...!!

God i really am touched tho. flippin hell theres alot of emotional vibes floating round my desk this morn....  :*)

ah we're all a buncha softies at heart

I think that you have a lot of insight and can really help a lot of people. A lot of things you say are so on target it just sometimes comes in a harsh manner. The poem is very good in any regards and was wondering if you ever made a post about your story. I know you said you have been ip but a little more about the struggles and what you found help etc. Just curious

Hey Fidget,

Youre to the point, which is awesome. But, 95% of the people here understand your tone as what it comes accross as and they overlook your true meaning. Its great how straightforward you are, but i believe that if you softened your tone a tad (while still being forceful in the issue), it might be a bit more effective!

Wow. I don't know what else to say, but wow.

thanks grapefruit. if you find any words of inspiration there, use them and fight to get well.

It's a really wonderful poem! So glad you could share it with us. Wish you all the strength in heaven and in earth to help you win your fight! So many people are rooting for your victory!

Solar...(really, really, really wonderful poem, thank you so much for sharing!)

thanks solareclps... blushing...

abbi3333, i didnt mean to ignore your post earlier. i just knew it was a long one. maybe i should update my profile. my story is that i have had mental health issues since i was about 4. it manafested itself in various ways including severe anxiety.. crippling anxiety. pretty severe ocd, phobias, separation anxiety and around all this food was my primary control. i was (am) terrified of vomiting and the only way i could keep the anxiety at bay was to not eat - operating under the belief that "if i dont eat, i cant be sick". for about 2 years i only ate honey nut loops and could "only allow myself eat" between 11am and 4pm having one maybe 2 bowls. i was a frail, skinny anxious child. who felt ancient at just 8 or 9.

i saw many services to help me with the issues i had. as a teenager i trusted nobody and nothing would give me the sensation of safety. so i resorted to self harm. this was a long dark lonely road. i struggled to articulate what was going on in my mind. i was so choked up with what i was feeling that it only came out as frustration and bad temper. inside i was dying. at age 20 a hugely significant person in my life, passed away. my world fell down. i was already on thin ice. i submerged myself in food - or its absense. i became entrenched in cals and starvation ensued. this went on for 2 years. my weight fell. i was holding on by the skin of my teeth before anorexia and once it started everything else fell apart. i have been battling for nearly 5 years with the official "anorexia diagnosis" but have been battling my mind for about 20 years.

i spent 8 months in a psychiatric hospital. i did an anxiety programme. i saw a cbt. i attended an eating disorder programme. i suffered serious bouts of depression, which finally resulted in me attempting suicide. i spent 3 months in ICU. then i met the most wonderful clinical psychologist in the hospital. i have been seeing him for 2 years now. i have seen about 9 people in terms of psychological intervention. while they have been supportive and helpful, nobody has done what this guy has helpd me do for myself.

he is different to anyone i have seen. he encourages me to visit places i dread. he challenges me all this time. if i go to a session and i talk about anxiety about eating, there and then he says "okay, lets go out to the cafe". we do and we have a meal. i am afraid but i do it. i have been able to adopt this into my own life and do these things when i shy away. he is blunt and always points out that when i say i cant, what i actually mean is i wont. when i realise i am doin this i realise that i am in a position to change because i am controlling that behaviour. Ie: i sat at a table once in the cafe in tears. afraid and upset. i had the fork to my mouth but i "couldnt" eat. i said "i cant do it". he said "have you a disorder of your muscular system? is there a medical cause preventing swallowing?". the answer to both of these is no. i dont. i could eat. i was choosing not to. this means that if i really want to be better, then i have to choose to.

this gave me much real control. he encouraged me to stay at weights i felt uncomfortable at, to see what was really driving the disorder. what i really struggled with. when you avoid something  - you cannot learn about it. so thats what works for me. being forced to face what i need to face.

its not pleasant. its not easy. but it works. and just this year i am finally starting to uncover the root cause way back as a 3 year old. so its slow. but im coming through.

sorry long post

i don't know you. at all. but you seem like a strong person. i truly believe you can beat this. i'm rooting for you, fidget :)

if a total stranger feels this strong about your ability to break through this barrier, think of all the people in your life who actually know you who have this support and belief of you.

good luck to you!

wow that is amazing!