Ex-Girlfriend Problem

The girl I had been with for 3 years broke up with me for the second time at the beginning of this summer, and when that happened, I decided I wouldn't take her back next time.  Now she is stopping by my apartment or asking me to come to her place to "fix things," and every time we see each other she still acts like we're together.  I don't want to lose her as a friend (3 years is a long time), but I'm afraid if we keep seeing each other like this she's going to ask me to take her back again and I don't know if I'll be able to say no.  Do you guys have any suggestions to deal with this situation so that I don't lose her friendship but I don't have to go through another bad relationship with her again?

It's really all about Boundaries. There are none. You need to make some boundaries that she can't cross and that she won't cross herself. That's the best way to do this. For example, say "No more stopping by my apt. unannounced".  You need firm boundaries.

She wants to have her cake and eat it.  She doesn't want you as a boyfriend but finds it hard to let go properly.  Tell her you value the friendship but that is what it must be and the only way for that to happen is if you just don't see eachother for a couple of months so that she can get properly over not having you as a boyfriend in her life.

OK, seriously.. is this the kind of friend you want? Someone who moons over you, stalks your apartment, doesn't know when to let go?

I think you can do better than this for friends.

My suggestion is.. more or less with calvinator.. if you want this to be the end, then end it. Period.

The whole "But I want us to be friends afterwards'.. it's not entirely up to you. it takes TWO people to be friends and she's not acting much like a friend.

Set Boundaries. Stick with them. She'll follow them or she'll get lost. Either way, you win.

I absolutely agree with HK.  If your 'real friends' treated you the way this ex has been, you would be like, "Dude, what's your problem? Back off already."  And absolutely DO NOT HAVE SEX with her again.  It only perpetuates feelings and think about it this way....what if she is a bit nutty and decides to try and trap you with a little bundle of joy, compliments of one stupid night of ecstasy?  Unfortunately I've seen worse things done by people I thought were amazing, so you never know.

And I'm actually going through something similar to your situation myself.  But I let it drag on and the lines have been blurred quite a bit.  My guy and I were together 1.5 years and have been apart for almost 2 years.  He still tries to get me into bed all the time, never accepts invitations to go out with/as friends and we never even talk on the phone.  It's always texting.  I would set boundaries and slowly he would break them down until things were basically a relationship w/o actually having a relationship.  Then I would mark a line in the sand and the cycle would begin again. 

You just have to have enough respect for yourself to realize there is a reason she is your ex.  If you let her penetrate the barrier, how are you ever gonna meet the right one for you?  Ms. Right could be closer than you think.

 

 

Original Post by hkellick:

OK, seriously.. is this the kind of friend you want? Someone who moons over you, stalks your apartment, doesn't know when to let go?

I think you can do better than this for friends.

My suggestion is.. more or less with calvinator.. if you want this to be the end, then end it. Period.

The whole "But I want us to be friends afterwards'.. it's not entirely up to you. it takes TWO people to be friends and she's not acting much like a friend.

Set Boundaries. Stick with them. She'll follow them or she'll get lost. Either way, you win.

 Yeah I agree with HK.......nothing more to add

Tell her what you told us.  Usually the idea of being friends after a breakup is not good. Even if you want to, it doesn't usually work out.  I think that if you two have any chance of being just friends you will need some more time with no contact before that process can start.   Either way, she is not your girlfriend so you should kindly make that clear. Or, have your whole body pressed down flat and lay down in front of your outside door. Cause thats what you will be, a doormat.

Always keep in the front of your mind that an ex is an ex for a reason. Don't let that thought go.

Sometimes you can't be friends after a relationship.  Its sad, but breakups are sad.  Maybe friends won't work right now.  You may have to cut it off completely, especially since you know you may not have the strength to not take her back, AND you know it would be a sure mistake to get back together again.

Thanks for the advice guys... I have a lot of thinking to do on the subject now to decide exactly what I plan to do.  We hadn't seen each other for awhile before she started doing this, so it makes it that much more difficult; I had completely gotten over the entire thing and all of a sudden this stuff started happening.  Again, thanks for the advice! =D

Here's my experience:

GirlA wants to break off relationship with GuyA but still wants to be friends. GuyA takes a long time to get over the relationship and may let GirlA know that he still cares about her and doesn't want to loose her completely.

GirlA meets GuyB and GuyA doesn't hear from her for awhile. After a few months, GuyB hits the road and GirlA who cannot stand to be alone, needs some reassurance about theirself so they call up GuyA. GuyA who had put more of themself into the relationship with GirlA than GirlA would ever dream of gets a call from GirlA and the buried feelings bubble to the surface but GuyA never wants to admit that he really wants the relationship with GirlA back again.

Basically, it is my experience that old lovers cannot be friends. My ex-hubby and I are friends ONLY because we have a child together and will never be truly void of each other so we need to be civil for the kid's sake. But, for the record, my ex and I don't go out and do things like true friends do either but we talk several times a week on the phone. I have moved on and no longer have feelings for him as a wife but I do care about him in some sort of odd way in that I don't want anything bad to happen to my child's father. He tells me from time to time though that if anything ever happens between me and current hubby that his door is always open. I don't have the heart to tell him I'd never walk back through that door though. Nor would I look forward to going out on the lake with him for a weekend or anything like that....whereas he would love for that to happen. So...basically....what I am saying is that old lovers cannot be friends. Let it go...there are no children involved it is better to keep it that way. And by having an official end and cut all ties...you can get rid of that hope that is secretly hidden inside you somewhere (whether you are aware of it or not) of the relationship being more permanent again. You still care for her as a partner else this wouldn't be a post here and you wouldn't want to stay friends with her. You are hurting yourself with this so let it go before it gets ugly. You have every right to find the perfect one who is as much in love with you as you are with her and the one you are posting about isn't it. She's not as in love with you (nor was she ever) as you were (are) with her. It is hard to hear and even harder to move on but you need to hear and you need to move.

Yeah, I don't think you can be friends with someone you dated for that long. I even tried letting an ex live with me two months after we broke up and he started going for our other roommate as some kind of revenge right in front of my face, so I ended up pretty much "kicked out" of the apartment though he wasn't even on the lease and it was supposed to be a "temporary" month long stay. This was from someone who wanted to "be friends" so I don't really think you should see much of an ex when you have a really bad breakup. The guys I've dated for a month or two are fine though, and we're still friends so I guess it just depends on how long the relationship was and how bad the breakup was.

I agree that ex's cannot have a healthy friendship. Usually when girls start to feel lonely they run back to their ex to feel secure again. I think it would be best to take a good break from eachother and star to move on and have a life of your own without your ex. Plus, if you meet a new girl you are interested in I would almost promise the new girl would not like the idea of you and your ex that you dated for 3 years still being friends.

don't do it joel!! don't take her back. just being friends doesn't work unless you both ended the relationship mutually. she's broken up with you twice already, you deserve better!

the situation larienkoci described sounds like a real possibility. what was her reasoning behind ending it this time?

Yea i dont really believe in the whole post-relationship friendship thing... I have a tendency to go cold turkey on someone after we decide to end it, whether it be friendship or relationship.  I've never regretted it either.

Make a clean break... its the only way.

(edit) Then again... I don't let many people get close to me either, so that might be a side-effect of my practices.

I went through something very similar with a BF of 3 years, and what helped us to remain friends was a good healthy break. We didn't see or talk for several months til things blew over, and we realized it wasn't going to happen between us. (I was in your situation, exactly). Now we get along great and are very good friends. We even talk about our new SO's without him getting any jealousy at all. It's wonderful... cause we were always such good friends.

Hope that helps you in some way.