My Ex Is Sabotaging Me...

A very manipulative man (my first bf whom I dated throughout all my teen years) recently came back into my life. We broke up when I was 18 (half a decade ago).

We gave things another try since we've both changed so much. It turns out he's still pretty manipulative and lies too much for me to date him, but we're trying to be friends. He's good company when we're not beating the hell out of each other (a tempestuous relationship to say the least). I don't want to give up his friendship.

Anyway, my dilemma is this:

He's not a chubby-chaser but he's so insistent on feeding me. Every time we see each other he'll insist on giving me food. If we go to a restaurant, he will order a dish that I like, and then try and force me to eat it on top of my own meal.

He calls a few times a week and tells me he is on his way over with food, no matter how much I protest. He hands me food and tells me to either eat it, or throw it away (he knows I can't throw it away due to my compulsive eating issues, so he basically calls my bluff and of course I eat it).

He doesn't care about my diet. He says if he can't make me happy in a relationship, then at least he can give me pleasure through food. I am a barely-recovering binge-eater, and he just loooves to enable me. He says the content look on my face when I'm eating makes him feel like he's taking good care of me.

The thing is, I kinda like it sometimes. :(  Tonight he called and demanded he take me out for pie. I said no and we had a fight, and so he changed his mind and uninvited me for pie.

That sucked because now I was craving pie!! I binged on icecream, popsicles, and chocolate cereal just to try and calm my craving. The pie would have been far less calories in the long run.

I know there's no solution. Until I get better control of myself, or until he respects my choices without tempting me, this will keep happening. And it's such a retarded thing to end a friendship over. I guess I just wanted to vent. Ughhhh. I could scream.

And I still want the freaking pie. ;_;

Is he perhaps out of shape? It might be that he doesn't feel good enough for u and is subconsciously feeding u for that reason. He is trying to bring u down to his level. Or maybe he just wants to please u in some way like u posted. Which ever, it sounds a little weird. lol. I know I love hanging out with my friends at restaurants, maybe he just wants to go on dates with you and spend time with you. I'd like to hear how it plays out.

He's gained a lot of weight since we used to date, yes. But he's not very insecure about it.

But he could be trying to make me fat because he doesn't want me to date other people or something. Which makes things awkward if that's the case. *shrug*

I think he's trying to bribe me into liking him by using food maybe. I dunno, I just want to vent, because now I can't stop fantasizing about pie. Like, hardcore vivid fantasies. I'm so mad at him for being such a tease.  D:<

It turns out he's still pretty manipulative and lies too much for me to date him, but we're trying to be friends. He's good company when we're not beating the hell out of each other (a tempestuous relationship to say the least). I don't want to give up his friendship.

People don't change :( I know you didn't ask, but once you move away from this (him, the 'friendship' of maniuplation and lies), it will be easier to take control of your self and avoid sabatoge.

Forget about the pie!!! Drink some water, and start over tomorrow...total clean slate.

Original Post by kelleigh:

Forget about the pie!!!

I'm trying!! Oh lord I'm trying. I tried to sleep but I just keep thinking about it. Chocolate Satin with crumbly Oreo crust and soft sweet whipped cream. Oh my god. I want to have sex with that pie.  ;_;

And you're right about people not changing. He's heading up north next month, and then my problem will be solved. I just was hoping that if I complained about it I'd feel a bit better.

I know some peoples' families sabotage them in the exact same way, and they post about it here and it seems to make them feel better, you know?

I just saw an XWeighted on Discovery Health about this same issue. A girl had broken up with her longtime boyfriend (in this case he had cheated on her). She was overweight and wanted to change her life. They had stayed friends and were thnking about geting back together romantically.

However, the more control she took over her life, the more outraged he got (real anger issues there). She told him to take a hike.. Probably the best two hundred pounds she ever lost.

Sounds like your EX might be a bit scared that you are imroving yourself.Maybe he thinks you will leave him in your wake.

SR

Hi, My name is Megan and I'm new here (this is actually my first post).

Can I just say I had 2 ex's (one from my teen years who actually told me what I'm about to say....very manipulative and became abusive also) and my ex husband....they both consistantly did the same thing to me that your ex is doing to you.  Granted, they both liked "thicker" women but met me when I was EXTREMELY thin and tried to fatten me up.  In my opinion (and also something the "teenage ex" said to me multiple times) is that they are trying to gain control. The one ex actually said he was trying to fatten me up so nobody else would want me (yes...an idiot beyond belief as there are men out there who do enjoy a fuller sized woman)...but aside from my own personal experiences.  The fact that he is going against your wishes shows he does not respect you. But it definitely sounds like control on his part (basically he can buy all the food in the world but you are only in control as long as you don't eat it...)

Hope that helps!

Megan

33 yrs from NJ

Starting 147lbs (5/4)

Currently 136 (5/30)

The is no respect at all from him towards you. 

May I suggest that you don't answer his phone calls until he leaves town.  You can confront him if you need to, but it usually doesn't work.  Just stay away from this man.

get rid of him. he's not even capable of being platonic, of being a friend. he's a controller. cut him out of your life permenantly!

I am not sure how any one can be too manipulative to date - but still Ok as a friend. 

Does this make sense to you?  Do you allow your friends more leeway to walk all over you?  Do you have any real friends or all they all disrespectful and manipulative jerks because they are "just friends"?

Forget not answering the phone - take control of yourself and tell this guy to take a hike.  He is your mightmare and if you allow him in even a little he will always seek ways to undermine you and your confidence.  He is not interested in you, he is interested in the power trip you hand him every time he is around.

You are still at war - for the control of your mind.  Run...

Are you in therapy?  If you aren't, find a good therapist and start working on your self esteem issues.

As for him - that's a description of a toxic personality if I ever heard one.  You need to cut him off cold and get him out of your life.  There is no way he's going to change, because abusive people don't change.

It certainly sounds like a controlling issue. He wants you to be out of control that way he's in charge. Also, you stated that he's a little over weight; it might be that he wants you to continue to be overweight because that makes him feel better about himself(somewhat superior) I know that might sound crazy but so many people put others in situations so they can "save the day" so to speck. My prayers are with you. Be strong and remember who is in charge!

Life is Beautiful....Enjoy it!

Get rid of him. Your life is YOURS to live so why are you letting him control it? He picks what you eat, tells you to eat it & you comply? Ask yourself this....Would you let him abuse you in other ways? Is abuse in any form acceptable?

Thanks everyone for all your replies!

I don't mind abusive friendships (really, I don't, haha). It's just this one hot-button issue that's bothering me. He is my only friend (I can't stand interacting with people in real life, and there have only been a few exceptions to this ever) and I would really like to keep things civil.

Besides, last time I told him I was done with him he got pretty violent and stalker-ish and suicidal and all this other messy stuff. It put my family and my new boyfriend through a lot of stress. I'm really enjoying the fact that neither of us is causing drama of that magnitude this time around. I'm kind of proud of us.  :D

(And no, I'm no longer in therapy. I was laid off and lost my insurance last month, but it's no big deal)

Thanks again though, I will insist he respect my choices (he called at 2am and we hashed it out until 5 am), and he says he feels bad. So hopefully he got the message this time.

Original Post by yummy_kitty:

Thanks everyone for all your replies!

I don't mind abusive friendships (really, I don't, haha). It's just this one hot-button issue that's bothering me. He is my only friend (I can't stand interacting with people in real life, and there have only been a few exceptions to this ever) and I would really like to keep things civil.

Besides, last time I told him I was done with him he got pretty violent and stalker-ish and suicidal and all this other messy stuff. It put my family and my new boyfriend through a lot of stress. I'm really enjoying the fact that neither of us is causing drama of that magnitude this time around. I'm kind of proud of us. :D

(And no, I'm no longer in therapy. I was laid off and lost my insurance last month, but it's no big deal)

 

Thanks again though, I will insist he respect my choices (he called at 2am and we hashed it out until 5 am), and he says he feels bad. So hopefully he got the message this time.

Do you really hear yourself?

You have accepted that he is abusive (see bold number 1), and have admitted that you are afraid (see bold number 2) and have already given yourself over to him (see bold number 3).  You accepted that he called you in the middle of the night.  Yet another display of control.  Now he is controlling when you sleep!

And this is your only friend because you dont like interacting with people. I wonder if real and healthy relationships scare you? If you have a healthy relationship it would mean you have to take responsibility for the health of that friendship. But as long as you allow your friends to be abusive - they are the bad guys and you get to skate away as a victim without being responsible for what has occurred.

Please call your county mental health department. Many counties and cities offer free support and counseling for those who are not able to pay. Please ask to speak with someone who specializes in helping women in abusive situations. He may not have hit you - but he does damage every time he opens his mouth. If you don't figure out why you are attracted to this you may very well spend a life time as a victim of this man or someone worse.

madamq, I appreciate your concern. :)

There are many reasons why I don't get along well with people or have friends. But they aren't important. 

And he calls me at 2am because he knows I prefer to sleep during the day (unless I have school or work). I was awake (as always) at 2am when he called, so I don't think he meant any harm by it.

Trust me, if he wanted to hurt me more he'd just put his fist through my face. He's pretty direct like that :P Definitely not above getting physical. But I really think he's TRYING to be nice by feeding me food. Unfortunately, being nice isn't something he's very good at, so he's making things worse.

Like I said, he'll be gone very soon. And in the meantime, it made me feel all better to just vent about it. So thank you all for listening!

You know he's bad for you, he sabotages your attempts at making your self happy, and he clearly has no respect for you. Don’t you think you deserve better?

Or may be you just enjoy being a victim and being the centre of attention. Perhaps you're looking for an excuse not to lose weight perhaps you enjoy being overweight. Why don't you try and find a real friend? What ever weight you end up being people should like you for who you are not who they want you to be.

And I do appreciate your problem I was in an abusive marriage for 18 years before I divorced him and started my own life. He told me, his parting shot, was ‘No man will ever find you attractive unless you have a paper bag over your head, you’ll always be on your own’. I was on my own for a few years and glad to have the time to get to know myself I have now been and happily married to a lovely man for 12 years. But I really do know that other people only treat you how you allow them to.

SO love your self and dump the idiot, life’s too short.

Original Post by yummy_kitty:

Trust me, if he wanted to hurt me more he'd just put his fist through my face. He's pretty direct like that :P Definitely not above getting physical. But I really think he's TRYING to be nice by feeding me food. Unfortunately, being nice isn't something he's very good at, so he's making things worse.

Yikes - is this really someone you want to be friends with, even?  It sounds like he could snap any time and do you some serious damage.  Regardless of your past, any friend should respect you enough to not treat you the way he is! 

I don't know you, and I don't want to make assumptions (you know what they say about people who assume, haha) - but you deserve better friends than this.  You obviously have supportive friends online, so you can make them offline too.  It's harder, and it takes work, but a truly good friend will be a million times better for you than this tool.  Once he's gone I hope you can find someone better for you!

Original Post by rosl:

You know he's bad for you, he sabotages your attempts at making your self happy, and he clearly has no respect for you. Don’t you think you deserve better?

Or may be you just enjoy being a victim and being the centre of attention. Perhaps you're looking for an excuse not to lose weight perhaps you enjoy being overweight. Why don't you try and find a real friend? What ever weight you end up being people should like you for who you are not who they want you to be.

And I do appreciate your problem I was in an abusive marriage for 18 years before I divorced him and started my own life. He told me, his parting shot, was ‘No man will ever find you attractive unless you have a paper bag over your head, you’ll always be on your own’. I was on my own for a few years and glad to have the time to get to know myself I have now been and happily married to a lovely man for 12 years. But I really do know that other people only treat you how you allow them to.

SO love your self and dump the idiot, life’s too short.

Wow. Your ex sounds like a total jerk!! I'm so sorry. At least MY abusive ex tells me he'll never meet anyone as pretty as me. Even when we hate eachother, he'd never insult my appearance. That's just horrible.  :( I bet you anything you're totally beautiful.

I think you're right. Part of the reason I put up with it is because I like eating. I also like feeling like my weight doesn't make me less attractive in his eyes. It's comforting. Though, for the record I'm not overweight. Chubby maybe, but not huge (I'm 109 lbs).

awestendorf: You're right. I doubt I'll make any good friends, but I can go back to being a hermit. :P I'd rather have no friends than bad friends, for sure!

Human companionship is over-rated anyway. That's why I have kitties, right? Hahaha :D

You must be a very small woman to say you're chubby at 109lbs.

If he says you're beautiful and he'll never meet anyone as beautiful as you, then I think him bringing you food isn't sabotaging but a way to express himself.  Ultimately you have the control to eat it or not.