Let's exchange some jokes!!!!! (oral sex survey included)

you know how you can never remember jokes, well let's post them and exchange them here.  I'd love to hear yours. 

Here's one of mine.....

They did a survey of 3,000 married men in Ontario.  They asked them

 "What do you like the most about some really good oral sex?"

3% said it was the feeling. Nothing beat a good bj.

However, scientists were suprised when 97% of married men responded that what they enjoyed the most about oral sex with their wives was the peace and quiet.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.



"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
"You gonna tell him or should I?"

LOL

:::snortles:::

pretty funny ~ love good clean jokes (non-graphic, non-explicit ;)

why did the shark cross the ocean?

(get prepared to laugh, it's a real knee-slapper)...

to get to the other tide.

lmao, the shark one....geniuos! :)

What does a Pirate watch a movie on?

A VCRRRRRRRRRR

vcrrrrrr, love it love it love it!!!

The VCR one is really cute.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws some white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new power and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "1-2-3" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 1-2-3 for?"

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid are in

the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game.

"Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.



"That's nothing,"says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of

inches longer.



Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.



That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what

he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math

test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends

and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie?"



"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the

biggest!


The other kids say its because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"



Mom replies, "No, Honey.It's because you're twenty-three."

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"


The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

what do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Na'cho cheese.

I love that bull fighting one. 

LMAO jewel

Did you hear about the Newfie who was winning the swim across Lake Ontario?  Unfortunately, half way across he got a cramp so he turned and swam back.

What do you call a fish without an eye.?

fssssh

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead

Life is sexually transmitted.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one care s, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no," he replied."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say."Tell him," she whispered, "that there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

*Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

*Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...

okay, i have tons of jokes as you can see.  but this is the last and best of the night.  here goes....

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied: "Ah! But Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

fsssh lmao!

lmao....these r all soo funny :)