Let's exchange some jokes!!!!! (oral sex survey included)

you know how you can never remember jokes, well let's post them and exchange them here.  I'd love to hear yours. 

Here's one of mine.....

They did a survey of 3,000 married men in Ontario.  They asked them

 "What do you like the most about some really good oral sex?"

3% said it was the feeling. Nothing beat a good bj.

However, scientists were suprised when 97% of married men responded that what they enjoyed the most about oral sex with their wives was the peace and quiet.

a guy goes in to see the doctor and says, "doc, i've been feeling not so well, like my age is starting to catch up to me.  i really want to live long, like to 100 or something.  will i?"

the doctor says, "do you smoke?"

"no."

"do you drink?"

"no."

"do you eat lots of fatty foods?"

"no."

"do you have promiscuous sex?"

"no."

"what the hell do you want to live to be 100 for?"

jewel - your too much..I LOVE that cat one....I am going to send it to everyone I know...It is soooo much a cat attitude.....

Obviously he's retarded...LMAO

great wasn't it?  whenever I'm told a joke or get sent a joke or whatever, I always keep them if i think they are funny.  i try to memerize as many as I can cause it's always good to have an arsenal of jokes at your disposal.

i sure as hell wouldn't want to be 100 either, lol

Dagicat --so true...

okay this older Italian man is not feeling well and his wife insists on taking him to the doctor.

the doctor upon examing the man tells him that he needs to cut back hours at work and start taking better care of himself.  He also recommends sex as a good stress reliever.  the man grumbles about these changes so the doctor insists on talking to his wife.

the wife goes in and the doctor repeats his concerns for the mans health.  he tells the wife to ensure her husband is properly fed before he leaves work and to pack him a good lunch.  he indicates that the husband needs to cut back his hours and that it would very helpful if the wife could help her husband relax after work by relieving him of some chores.  finally, he tells her that it would be good if they engaged in sex occasionally as it is a good stress reliever.

husband and wife get in the car to leave and the husband asks his wife what the doctor said.  She is silent for a second and then turns to the husband and blurts.....honey.....youa gonna die!

okay, i can't stop myself

Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Bill y,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do?
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Miami , where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

a man goes to his doctor and tells him that he's concerned that his wife is going deaf because everytime he calls her she doesn't answer. 

His doctor reccommends going home and testing his wife's deafness by standing behind her, saying something, and then if she doesn't respond moving up 5 feet. 

The husband gets home and his wife is cooking dinner in the kitchen.  Thinking now is perfect he stands in the living room and shouts "honey, what's for dinner?"   getting no answer he moves up 5 feet and shouts "honey, what's for dinnner?",  getting really concerned he moves right behind her and shouts  "honey, what's for dinner?"

His wife turns to him angrily and say's "I already told you twice, chicken and rice!!"

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition, which
causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The on ly
way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he
left the hospital, he was without a headache for the
first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself .. As he walked
down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's
what I need... a new suit. That'll make me feel a
little better."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit. The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit... it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a
moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34
sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised. "That 's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the
shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe
thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $10
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

lol chrissae, i love that one

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and
walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the
fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had
noticed and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as she
turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication
and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and
asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm sorry
to say, if you farted simply from touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

This new teacher is constantly dragging his feet in the hall, and looking overwhelmed.  Another, more exerienced teacher finally stops him one day and asks him if everything is o.k.? 

The new teacher say's he just can't handle the stress of his very rough class and feels drained by afternoon.  the experienced teacher noticing the man's wedding band say's "you know what - I used to feel that way, and what I used to do is use my lunch and go home to have sex with my wife -  you should really try that"

A week later the experienced teacher runs into the distressed teacher and asks him how he's doing.  The distressed teachers say's "you know what I've been meaning to thank you for your advice.  It really has worked.  And by the way you have a great house!"

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.

Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the
once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears.

Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twot"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I
Should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit

a blonde a brunette and a redhead, all good friends jump on a plane to cuba.  On the plane the redhead announces that she's wearing a pink thong.  "A pink thong" her friends exclaim why?

well she say's if this plane crashes over the ocean I want the rescuers to see me.   Then the brunette speaks up and announces that she's wearing a red thong - because she states 'red is the colour of emergency and they will see her first'

The blonde smiling looks at them both and say's "well I'm wearing a black thong"  "a black thong her friends exclaim - why?"

Well - the blonde explains smugly 'because I heard that when a plane goes down they always look for the black box first"

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

While I was driving down the road the other day, (going a little faster than I thought) I passed under a bridge only to see a policeman in the other side with a radar gun, The policeman pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic look, patronising smirk, asked-
Runway too short?'
To which I replied, 'I'm late for work.
'To which he asked, 'What do you do?
I'm a rectum stretcher.' I responded.
The policeman was surprised and confused.A what? A rectum stretcher? and just what does a rectum stretcher do?
Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then I work with my whole hand in,work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.
Then the policeman asked questioningly and cautiously, 'And just what do you do with a six-foot a***hole?
To which I politely replied, 'You give it a radar gun and park it behind
a bridge...'

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.