Let's exchange some jokes!!!!! (oral sex survey included)

you know how you can never remember jokes, well let's post them and exchange them here.  I'd love to hear yours. 

Here's one of mine.....

They did a survey of 3,000 married men in Ontario.  They asked them

 "What do you like the most about some really good oral sex?"

3% said it was the feeling. Nothing beat a good bj.

However, scientists were suprised when 97% of married men responded that what they enjoyed the most about oral sex with their wives was the peace and quiet.

jewels- you have the most jokes of anyone I have ever met.  That's crazy.......

yep, im pretty crazy.  =)

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."


The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

Old couple sat in church, she digs him in the ribs and whispers in his ear

"I have just done a massive silent fart, what should I do"

The old man replies

"Get some new batteries for your hearing aid!"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, Justin and Christian, were swimming around in the sea. They were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

"I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,

"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."




"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected
strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on
board, he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"


Mick said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess .

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Little Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what happened to Stanley?"

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made
it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your drivers license?

Driver: I dont have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owners card for this vehicle?

Driver: Its not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Thats right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owners card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: Theres a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. Thats where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: Theres a BODY in the TRUNK???

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Whos car is this?

Driver: Its mine, officer. Heres the owner card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if theres a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but theres no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said theres a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I dont understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didnt have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, Ill bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.

No.1 is a great one, hoho

wow jewel, you sure do have a lot of jokes :)

Here's my favorite:

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman. Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda wierd. "What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

-----------

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?" "Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?" "I'm Jim." "Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??" "Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!" So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says. "Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey. "Is it your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved. "Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!" "Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

purespark:  Hilarious!  LMAO...

I love anti-humor jokes...  Here are a few good ones:

Why did the girl fall off her bicycle ?

- She didn't have any arms

How do you confuse a blonde?
- Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- He was dead.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
- The Holocaust.

I'm a fan of dead baby jokes, too, but I know a lot of people aren't, and I can understand that.  I usually feel my audience out pretty carefully before I start trotting those out.

These are good, wasted me a lot of time this morning!!

Purespark and burninlove, I almost peed my pants, thanks!

Here is one I read this morning:

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, ?From now on I?m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I?m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who?s going to dress me and comb my hair??

?The undertaker,? she replied.

Here is another one I have always liked:

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid.

thats too funny and er...ah...sadly maybe a bit true

i love dead baby jokes too.  i didn't put any up because of most peoples' reaction to them.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.