"Exclusive Talk"

I have been reading the posts lately regarding cheating, and the "exclusive talk" comment came up. While I understand what that is in concept, is it an official part of a relationship?  I have been married for 14 years and we never had an 'exclusive" talk when we were dating.  When we started dating it was assumed we wouldn't be seeing other people.  I don't ever remember this in any of my relationships.  I did have 3 other long term (longer than 1 year) relationships when I was younger.

Is this a generational concept (I am 40).  Some of my younger friends, say, "Yes, you must have the talk, and then you are officially girlfriend and boyfriend", some of my older friends say "No, it just happens, you date, and then continue on, no talk needed"

Just wondering.

i dunno, i mean, whether you have a 'talk' 'about' it or whether at some point you or he says some version of, I want you all to myself or I think we shouldn't date other people anymore, or whatever....

if both people just assume it, i would call that an ill-defined relationship boundary

of course once you take the marriage vow, you're pretty much having the exclusivity talk right up there in front of everybody.

Until the talk, I always assume that the relationship isn't exclusive.  I'm 29.

Original Post by purespark:

Until the talk, I always assume that the relationship isn't exclusive.  I'm 29.

same here. i'm 39.

Hmmmm..  I just called Hubby (he thinks I should stay out of the forums) anyway, he said that there was never a reason to have the talk or define our relationship boundries, becasue he would never begin dating someone if he thought it wasn't going to be exclusive.  So why do people start to date, and still date others?  Does this leave you with the ability to leave your options open?

I have gone out on dates with men, but didn't consider it dating.  Maybe I am way old school.  Do you think the baby boomer generation had exclusive talks? 

If you do have the talk, at what point in the realtionship do you do it?  Is there an emotional time frame or calendar time frame? Have I been out of the dating pool too long (16 years).  Not that I am looking to jump back in. 

I don't remember having the talk with my fiance but we were friends for a year before starting to date, and so we knew each other very well - I don't know if that would make a difference to some, but I never doubted that we were exclusive (and, if it matters, neither of us had been seeing anyone during that year of friendship, so it wasn't like he was seeing lots of women but I expected him to suddenly become monogamous with me).

I'm 28.

So why do people start to date, and still date others?  Does this leave you with the ability to leave your options open?

Exactly.  Especially after I ended a long relationship (6 years), all I wanted was casual companionship, no commitment.

If you do have the talk, at what point in the realtionship do you do it?  Is there an emotional time frame or calendar time frame?

For me, it's an emotional time frame.  I dated one man for three or four months and never made it "official;" I only dated my current boyfriend for about two weeks before we started talking about exclusivity.  It's a function of how much I want to commit to someone, and has little to do with how long I've dated them.

Hmmm.. it may also be a cultural thing. See where I'm from, people don't really 'date' so the whole exclusivity thing doesn't come up. If you are or start seeing/going out with someone not in a group context then it is implied that you are exclusive. Hope that makes sense.

um, well i think it depends on the person as to when or on what basis they'd have the talk

i generally don't date more than one person at a time - i think it did happen a couple of times, both times when i'd only been on a few dates with the one person and then another guy asked me out and i thought, well, i'm not married and we haven't made any promises, so why not?

but also, for me, i won't let the relationship venture into the sexual arena without having a clear understanding of the boundaries.  and always in the past, i've only gone into the sexual arena in the context of exclusivity.  and generally after the relationship has lasted six months, as a minimum.

i know what you're thinking.

where is this sexual arena and can i get directions to it? 

^^ LOL

Oh I know where the arena is, but I have misplaced my ticket. 

Hubby and I didn't venture into the sexual arena until he was ready.  Not me, no I was ready to go from the get go, but now that is reversed.  We skirted the arena for sure, but no "intercourse" that would be bad!!!!!

Vavila - I think I agree with you.  When we had our first date, in a non-group setting, it was assumed by us and our friends that we were a couple and weren't seeing other people.

Purespark - That makes some sense that it is emotional, but you still have an "official" talk?  How does it go?  Are they long drawn out conversations or short and sweet? 

Original Post by theresa5656:

That makes some sense that it is emotional, but you still have an "official" talk?  How does it go?  Are they long drawn out conversations or short and sweet? 

 i don't think there is a set script for a talk like that.

once i almost referred to a guy i was dating as my boyfriend, and he caught it. he was like "you almost just called me your boyfriend!" i denied it, but then he said "well, if you want to that's ok with me."

in my book, that was our exclusivity talk.

with my current BF, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and i was still up in the air about things so i told him i wasn't ready for labels yet. a week later i said "ok, you can be my boyfriend now" haha, i'm subtle. but that was our talk, and until that point, i didn't consider us exclusive.

Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

Original Post by purespark:

Until the talk, I always assume that the relationship isn't exclusive.  I'm 29.

same here. i'm 39.

Same here. I'm 36.

Me and my significant other had "the talk" about 8 weeks into dating. Because an old flame of mine who lives a couple hours away was coming into town and wanted to get together with me. I didn't really want to see him but I used the opportunity to start a talk w/ my boyfriend. Then it was made official on Facebook and all that crap. And once you do that, there is no going back!! lol

I agree w/ OP to an extent, in that it was implied that we were exclusive and not seeing anyone else. Even before we did "it." But for me personally, it's somewhat reassuring to have the talk and make sure everyone is on the same page. I've had a lot of different experiences in dating and relationships and I just feel like, for me, it's better to officially discuss so there are no questions about where we stand with one another. Leaves no room for excuses down the road. Not that I would anticipate it with my boyfriend I have now, but in the past I have been cheated on and then told later that it wasn't cheating because we weren't "exclusive." Yes of course it was BS to say that to me. But now I just feel more comfortable having all of that stuff out in the open and actually talked about rather than implied.

Well, generally, these conversations are pretty short - like, "I really like you and don't think I want to see other people," and the other person says, "me too."   I've usually waited until exclusivity is really a foregone conclusion before the talk happens, because it would be awfully awkward to express that kind of feeling if the other person didn't reciprocate.

ok, so maybe we did have the talk, but it was more what jules described - he was helping me build a closet, I said I was glad he was around because I wasn't tall enough to reach to top screws, and he said something like "It's good to have a tall boyfriend." I smiled and said something offhand like "Yeah, I should try to keep one around." That was our talk - does that count?

I didn't think we weren't exclusive before that point, but as I had just moved 3.5hrs away from him, I wasn't sure we'd still be together now that it was long distance. The "talk" was more of a confirmation that we'd keep dating.

My current boyfriend is my first boyfriend. We met the first week of last semester. After seeing each other for about a week or two, we discussed that we were pretty much dating.

He's in a fraternity, so I wasn't sure how faithful he would be. A few weeks later I asked, "Do you want this to be an exclusive relationship?" He said he didn't want to be with anyone else since he met me. Aww. :) I'm 19 and he's 24. I think we're both kinda old-fashioned when it comes to dating, and he tkes relationships seriously.

I think in my old relationships there was some sort of discussion of "making it official" and at that point, exclusive.

However, with my husband, it was understood we were exclusive the moment we started dating (for a lot of reasons).  I don't think we ever discussed it, really.  There was one moment where he did the official asking which was really awkward and cute, we'd gone on a couple dates but that was when we were then "together." 

But I would have been uninterested in him if he'd been dating multiple women.  I know some people do that, but for some reason that strikes me as tasteless. 

Once I was sleeping with him - I was exclusive. But that was just my own sense of fairness. No talk of exclusivity until we got engaged - and then it was more the 'will you promise to always be true?' discussion.

It took a month of talking on the phone, three dates in person, and one week after meeting in person for my bf and I to 'have the talk'.

We decided that we would call it 'official' July 1st, because the dates before then had significant meanings to us in the past (exes), and we wanted a fresh start.

So, July 1st, this year, will be three years. I'm glad we had the talk, I like the idea of there being clarity about exactly what you are to each other...

I'm 22 and my bf and I never had the talk.  Six years later, we still haven't had the talk.  It goes without saying, but there are ppl you go on dates with and you KNOW that it isn't monogamous, you're just out for a good time.  I guess its just the vibe you have with that person that states whether its exclusive or not.

Dont feel it is exclusive to one generation. Im 50 and I remember having the conversation with my husband when we first started dating....way back in late 80's.