Can exes really be 'just friends'?

The post about can men and women be platonic friends, along with my current situation, made me think of this.

I know many people have broken up saying 'let's be friends' and I was wondering if anyone has successfully done so.

My ex and I were together for about 5 years, and on and off for the last year (6 years total). He says that he wants to be my 'best friend'. We have a kid together, too.

So, any stories of exes remaining friends? Just wondering if it is possible or some sort of urban legend.

well its never worked for me but in all the relation ships iv been in, none have been a "neutral" (meaning both saw the relationship going no where), I am sure its possible but as far as Iv seen not very likely unless you both see the relationship not working out and both decide that its better to split

My husband tried this with his ex, but she still treated him like a boyfriend and for some dumb reason he let her.  She demanded they see eachother at least once a week (though it was often three or four times a week) for dinner dates and movies and to hang out at her house.

They were being friends until I came along and put an end to it.  I'm sorry, my boyfriend is not going to ditch me to go on a date with the bitch who cheated on him.  Alex says he only stayed friends with her because all of his friends were tied to her and he knew that once he stopped talking to her, they'd all stop talking to him.  It was true, but he's since realised they all were sucky friends who only wanted him around to drive them places and buy alcohol.

I've seen some exes be the best of friends and others to suck at it horribly.  :\

I've seen it work on a couple of occasions, but I think two key things need to happen.

1. The breakup had to be mutual, as in neither one wanted to continue being together....OR after a suitable period of time (I'd say about 6 months or more) both parties come to feel this way, like they don't want to or shouldn't be together as a couple.

2. When a significant other comes into the picture and they have started dating someone else, the ex and now friend isn't jealous and the guy or girl dating someone else takes somewhat of a step back from their friendship with the other person. In other words he/she puts his/her relationship with their boyfriend/girlfriend first. You can't still be super close an intimate with the ex in that situation.

I'd consider my ex-husband a friend, but it's not like he's my best bud and we're weekend drinking buddies.

So my answer is yes, you can be friends.

 I'm friends with all of my exes except for one and he's one I would never care to see ever again. One ex I have a pretty turbulent past with and he still remains one of my best friends.
It can happen...

No

If you guys were so cool together...you'd still be together.  All relationships that end, end badly...some just worse than others.  It's not like you are sitting together in the kitchen eating fruit loops and you both look up at the same exact time and say, "I love you so much that I just want to be friends."

I would think a desire to remain friends is 60% wanting a back-up plan and 40% being unsure breaking up was the right thing to do.

If it's an ex and you have kids...well, I guess you don't have a choice....for the kid's sake...but that's more of an "understanding" than a friendship.

I would think a desire to remain friends is 60% wanting a back-up plan and 40% being unsure breaking up was the right thing to do.

I thoroughly disagree. My exes that I'm friends with... we have no desire to get back together. We've all dated other people. I've hung out with exes with their new girlfriends. It's only an issue if you make it one.

Sometimes people are better off as friends... not as a couple.

caloricat, you crack me up....It's not like you are sitting together in the kitchen eating fruit loops and you both look up at the same exact time and say, "I love you so much that I just want to be friends."

I am not looking to be friends now because it is hindering my ability to get over him, but I am totally willing to be civil acquaintances for our son.

I've been friends with a few of my exes, but it was YEARS down the line. After all the emotions were gone.

I agree with Ali, some people are better as friends.

It's possible, 29 years later I still call him my dearest friend. We each have a tremendous amount of respect for one another and don't allow for grey areas to come into play. Even when we were both single again along the way, there was the understanding of why we were just friends. The temptation was there and it was voiced, but neither of us were the type to just have a fling and it wouldn't have been anything more than just killing time. I love him dearly and my husband of 7 years knows it. He respects our friendship with not the first ounce of jealousy.

Sometimes it just works out that you are better as friends than any thing more. When his friends asked why we didn't just get married, we both looked at one another and laughed. Why? Because we both accepted that while we love one another, we could never live together. Together we would have killed one another. He's a short fuse and I'm a slow burning fire. Eventually you know all it will take is the wrong spark for it to explode. He honestly cannot handle for anyone to tell him what to do....ever. Should have heard him come unglued when he heard me ask my husband if he remembered to take his vitamins I packed with his lunch that morning. Something as simple as a loving reminder is a personal affront to him.  Don't ask me to explain it, I didn't raise him...lol

He did have a relationship with a woman that resulted in his son being born. It didn't work out between them and they fought terribly over the child at first, each afraid of loosing the child completely. But after much maturity evolving, they both understand that it is not about him and her anymore, but that there is a child involved that still needs both parents and they have to have his best interest at heart. She married years later and he's good friends with her husband, often staying at their house when he has time to visit with his son; they live out of state. So yes, it's not just me that he can honestly maintain just a friendship with even after a relationship. I do believe it takes a very mature person to admit their flaws and respect another's choices and to not make it personal all the time. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him and will always know him as my first love.

 I think if you have an ulterior motive for holding on to an ex, it will only come full circle to bite you hard in the end. My df knows my husband is one lucky man and I continue to pray that one day my df will have someone that loves him just as much and can share a life with him. She just better be one tall glass of cool water...lol

Not for me it hasn't, I always find a clean break works best, but then there are no children involved.

ive only ever had one bf and it lasted over a year then we broke up a couple of months ago. we decided to be friends but still fought and argued about nothing like couples do. so i decided to take a break from him and we didnt communicate for at least a month. we started chatting randomly about uni assignments and became friends again. we arent great friends but text heaps and see each other occaisonally and we both have no desire to go further. it is completely possible if you both want it and.. if one of you wants to be more then you need to take the time away and find yourself then come back.

C-cat, where do you come up with your statistics?

It's possible but i've never managed it! When a relationship ends it is very rarely by mutual consent, usually one half of the partnership still has feelings for the other. There is also the whole sexual history thing and that is not easy to turn off! Personally I've never been keen on the whole "lets be friends" thing, when its over its over!

Im actually friends with most of my ex's. One of my Ex's is my BEST friend, he and my current boyfriend get along great and talk all the time. sometimes you just know that you are not meant to be together. after we broke up we didnt talk for months, but after the hurt was gone we missed being in each other lives but didnt want to be in a relationship. So yes i think it is possible, Once you reach a mutual understand where the boundaries are, and if you can TRULY be happy for thier success and their future relationships.

I'm friends with my ex-husband.

We were (unhappily) married for 9 years and have now been (happily) divorced for 12.

We have a daughter together. So because of her I couldn't really just walk away.  And for her sake, I decided that he and I needed to be friends so that she'd never feel 'in the middle' or that she had to choose one of us.  I wanted her to know that both her parents love her and that people can still get along even if they can't be partners.  And we have.

Other guys I've dated, all but one we parted on good terms and would be friends (not that we'd hang out together, but if we happened to attend the same party or event, we'd be "Oh hi! how are you? friendly) if we lived in the same area.

 

my ex's, all two of them, were 28 & 32 years ago.

No kids, we were the kids.

I dumped them because they proved to be idiots.

No hatred, no bad feelings, no desire to be friends.

I don't exchange the term friend for those acquaintances I am merely friendly with, so civility towards these guys, in a by chance meeting, a friendship does not make. 

Yes, it is possible. Not for everyone, however.

What I don't think works is the "let's be friends" thing. You can't just shift gears like that. It takes stopping the car and turning it into a pickup truck. But time heals all wounds, and typically, the reasons why you broke up (and frequently the reasons why you tried to date in the first place) seem distant enough to not make an issue.

I mean, presuming it's not just about the other person's body, there's probably a reason why you liked associating with them in the first place.

Brad and Jen had dinner in toronto the other night ;)

Original Post by pgeorgian:

Brad and Jen had dinner in toronto the other night ;)

 OMG rilly??

I love posts that make me actually burst out laughing.

I don't really know, I only have one ex I consider to be significant enough to be an ex and he really wasn't that significant.  Sometimes I forget we even dated.  I think his contact info is still programmed in my phone...but...I don't use it.

Original Post by redcol666:

When a relationship ends it is very rarely by mutual consent, usually one half of the partnership still has feelings for the other.

 Exactly.  And a good rule of thumb is...if it's not you...then it's him/her.  The act of ending a relationship is thought out, planned, and executed by one of the partners...the other just has to go along with it.

I've had this happen to me and know numerous friends that get the same line, "We can still be friends, right?"  What are you supposed to say?  "No."  If you're honest, you come off looking like you only value them for sexual reasons and not their "personality" because otherwise...if you loved their personality...why WOULDN'T you want to be friends?

What a nightmare...I have no idea how that could work out...to see a girl that dumped you out with some other guy, making out with him right there in front of you...maybe confiding in you about things he does...I'd probably throw up!  That's not "pleasant"...and all of the guys I know that put themselves in that situation end up even more hurt as they realize how little they really meant to the other person.

Now, I still have an "aquaintance" that I used to sleep with and now she's married to a friend of mine...but A) We never were officially a couple and B) we were friends before we ever hooked up...so it was more just a casual relationship for fun...neither of us "dumped" the other one...because we were never really a couple to begin with.