Factors for building a healthy self- esteem

what are the essential factors for building a healthy self-esteem?

what do you think is the most important factor? personality? appearance? a successful career? a caring partner?? 

post your list and number them if you could. thanks. 

i think the most important factor is a solid foundation of safety and connection with family.  if you don't have that when you're a kid, it's very difficult to establish it as an adult.  and if you do have it, all the things that can and will happen are not nearly such a threat.

(sorry it's not a list, but i really think it's almost this simple.)

pg, I didn't expect this answer 

 I don't get it. what do you mean by a solid foundation of safety? in terms of connection with family, I love my family very much and they love me although we haven't seen each other for five years:)

when I was a kid, my mom used to compare me to my cousins who are very fit and thin and it did hurt me but she doesn't do that anymore. I know she wanted me to improve , she didn't mean to hurt me.

Original Post by safina1:

pg, I didn't expect this answer 

 I don't get it. what do you mean by a solid foundation of safety? in terms of connection with family, I love my family very much and they love me although we haven't seen each other for five years:)

when I was a kid, my mom used to compare me to my cousins who are very fit and thin and it did hurt me but she doesn't do that anymore. I know she wanted me to improve , she didn't mean to hurt me.

 Actually, I think your answer right here just proved PG's point.  Your mom might not do it now, but in the past, she compared you with others...this has a tremendous impact on how a child grows up to feel as an adult.

I, too, have a great relationship with my mother now.  But as a pre-teen and teen, I was always referred to as the bad child...the one who screwed up and did things wrong.  My younger sisters were told to make sure they didn't grow up to be like me.  That has carried into my adulthood.  Hubby said something interesting to me not too long ago.  He said he noticed a pattern with me back in the days when he and I first met.  This was back when my self-esteem was still an issue.  He noticed that I was only "good" for so long, and that it almost seemed like I purposely did something to mess things up in my life when they got too good.  It was an interesting theory, and one that could very well have been true.

Original Post by safina1:

 I don't get it. what do you mean by a solid foundation of safety? in terms of connection with family, I love my family very much and they love me although we haven't seen each other for five years:)

 i just read a study about this-- as kids we pretty much look to our parents for support guidance and security, when they display behavoir that is naturally interpreted as being threatened like vulnerability, anger/violence, weakness,  kids are too young to know that everything is fine and just feel develop a sense of life where they feel threatened by it in general, thus they are liklier to develop mental disorders

i just realized that was a very long run on... lol sorry

Original Post by safina1:

pg, I didn't expect this answer 

 I don't get it. what do you mean by a solid foundation of safety?

basically, if we have a sense of safety when we're wee--when we really don't question our place in the world--it gives us a capacity to provide that safety for ourselves as we get older.  at our core, we just know that we're okay, even when things go wrong.  it allows us to keep things in perspective.

check out maslow's hierarchy of needs if you're interested in this.

Original Post by peaches0405:

Original Post by safina1:

pg, I didn't expect this answer 

 I don't get it. what do you mean by a solid foundation of safety? in terms of connection with family, I love my family very much and they love me although we haven't seen each other for five years:)

when I was a kid, my mom used to compare me to my cousins who are very fit and thin and it did hurt me but she doesn't do that anymore. I know she wanted me to improve , she didn't mean to hurt me.

 Actually, I think your answer right here just proved PG's point.  Your mom might not do it now, but in the past, she compared you with others...this has a tremendous impact on how a child grows up to feel as an adult.

I, too, have a great relationship with my mother now.  But as a pre-teen and teen, I was always referred to as the bad child...the one who screwed up and did things wrong.  My younger sisters were told to make sure they didn't grow up to be like me.  That has carried into my adulthood.  Hubby said something interesting to me not too long ago.  He said he noticed a pattern with me back in the days when he and I first met.  This was back when my self-esteem was still an issue.  He noticed that I was only "good" for so long, and that it almost seemed like I purposely did something to mess things up in my life when they got too good.  It was an interesting theory, and one that could very well have been true.

Peaches, yes, it did hurt me so much but i also know she just wanted me to be better. what I am trying to focus on now is to get a solution and move on. so what would you suggest? 

pg, thanks for the link. This is very interesting reading. I will enjoy it tonight:)

so what I thought about appearance, image and losing weight to get a healthy self esteem was wrong lol

see I love learning new things everyday.

yeah, i mean, if you've seen those stories about women who get addicted to plastic surgery, it's pretty clear that they're trying to fill a gap, and that prettiness is just not going to plug that hole, you know?

but that doesn't mean that i think you can't make up for those gaps.  you just have to work hard to identify them and then find ways to provide that sense of safety for yourself ;)

"Peaches, yes, it did hurt me so much but i also know she just wanted me to be better. what I am trying to focus on now is to get a solution and move on. so what would you suggest?"

To improve self-esteem you need you accept the fact the you are fine they way you are and not try meet your mothers's expectations of what would make you better.  You should strive to be the best you that you can be but understand that you will never be anybody else and that's ok.  Sometimes mothers mean will but ...

The answers above have been thoughtful and candid. I would add that unconditional love is really important. (I guess that could be considered the "safety") My parents, particularly my mom, were very controlling. If you do "this" you are bad, if you do "this" I will love you. I just found some letters earlier tonight my mom wrote my son. It was the same THING! We love you but you better get good grades. If you do this, we will buy you a car (she really wrote that!) You need to stay with us when you are in town as we miss you and want to catch up, here is $100 (but don't spend it on beer). I also told my children (and still do... they are now 24 and 25) that I will always love you, I may not like what you do sometimes, but I will still love you. My daughter said it was the best thing! I was a single mom and my ex dropped out of the picture when they were 5 and 6 and started a second family. They have both turned out SO well with high self-esteem. They are good people.

I think you can improve you self esteem by helping others, looking at yourself with a "true eye" and seeing where you could make some changes (ie. be more tolerant, be more forgiving, not lose your temper, be a better friend.) Then work on ways to make those changes. When you improve your job skills and feel confident in your performance at work, it doesn't matter if you are a garbage man or a doctor, you will feel better about yourself. When you know you are doing your best AND continuing to grow and do better, it will improve your self esteem. I think we make a mistake today by allowing kids to think that they are "great" at everything they do (everyone gets a trophy on t-ball, everyone gets an "A" on their science project). Kids need to learn what it is they are good at, improve on everything they can, learn to deal with disappoint and REALIZE that even if they don't get an "A", don't make the team, etc. that THEY ARE STILL LOVED! They are still good people! Parents can help them learn to deal with disappoints constructively so when they don't get the promotion, or the job, or the "mate", that they are still loved and that something else will come along if they work for it, maybe it will happen!

One thing my parents DID teach me was that I could do anything if I wanted it (well, maybe not anything as I was a girl and couldn't go to the Air Force Academy, and a few other things--they were quite sexist) however, I still believe that if I want to do or be something that I just need to buckle down and get to work and do it!!! 

Original Post by trhawley:

"Peaches, yes, it did hurt me so much but i also know she just wanted me to be better. what I am trying to focus on now is to get a solution and move on. so what would you suggest?"

To improve self-esteem you need you accept the fact the you are fine they way you are and not try meet your mothers's expectations of what would make you better.  You should strive to be the best you that you can be but understand that you will never be anybody else and that's ok.  Sometimes mothers mean will but ...

 Agree so much with tr...  and so many of the other posters.  Mother's do mean well but sometimes UHHHHHHHHH!  I have tried so hard not to do that to my daughters.  What really helps me with my self esteem is to be in control of myself.  Eating well, working out, trying to be the best me for me.  Not trying to please others but trying to be who I want to be, Gee only took me 49 years to figure that out.  Hope this helps!

Original Post by trhawley:

"Peaches, yes, it did hurt me so much but i also know she just wanted me to be better. what I am trying to focus on now is to get a solution and move on. so what would you suggest?"

To improve self-esteem you need you accept the fact the you are fine they way you are and not try meet your mothers's expectations of what would make you better.  You should strive to be the best you that you can be but understand that you will never be anybody else and that's ok.  Sometimes mothers mean will but ...

I know what you mean but it is just so hard to accept the fact that I am fine the way I am now because I am 190 and 5'3 AND I know that I am obese. I just don't know how to accept that.

i  love my mom so much. I also know that she suffered when she was a child because her father was really controlling, can't really blame her for anything.

Original Post by safina1:

Peaches, yes, it did hurt me so much but i also know she just wanted me to be better. what I am trying to focus on now is to get a solution and move on. so what would you suggest? 

 I'm honestly not sure, safina.  I lucked out.  I got a husband who was willing to stick it out with me.  Some people find that therapy is helpful.  Others can do ok working it out for themselves.  I'm not very knowledgeable about the subject and I'd hate to give bad advice.  I do agree with trhawley.  Accepting yourself and loving yourself for who you are (despite your flaws) sems like it would be a good first step.  I think it's just a matter of how a person chooses to go about doing that.

I wish you luck with however you decide to do this.

pg, this is very true and it does make sense. Women who are addicted to plastic surgery are trying to fill a gap. Actually, all what I want is to lose weight so I can be healthy and be able to wear pretty dresses 

Carolann5111, I think helping others  and improving my job skills are all great ideas. Finding an unconditional love is difficult because it is just hard to find. 

I think a child's experiences of school are important in developing (or damaging) self esteem too. My parents were okay, but I was called 'ugly' by the other kids until the age of 18. Weirdly, as soon as I left school and went to college I got lots of compliments and attention from men! But it took me years to accept that I was in fact attractive, and I still have bad days even now. I've had some cognitive therapy and that has helped.

Try writing down a list of everything you like about yourself, physically and personality-wise and the things you've done that you're most proud of. When a negative thought comes into your head, re-read the list. It can help retrain your brain to think in positive ways about yourself. Good luck, I know it is very hard, but I believe it can be done! :)