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What should I do? Falling into bulimia...

My major cause of anxiety right now is seeing my boyfriend in a week. We are in a long distance relationship, so we haven't seen each other in about 4 months. And as immature as this may sound, I want to look good when he sees me (can all the ladies relate with me??). So up to last week, I have been *fairly* healthy (at least healthier than now) by regular exercise and eating. And I got pretty toned up. But the cold weather here and the anxiety and my final exams coming up has caused me to binge on many occasions, and I have started purging as well. I don't purge after every meal, but only after severe binges, so I have gained a few pounds. I know that he would love me regardless of my weight, and even if he didn't, that would be a sure sign for me to leave him if he did judge me by my weight.

So my dilemma is this... so right after final exams, I am flying over to see him. Should I delay the flight until a week later so that I have a week to work out and lose this water weight from the binging? I just binged and I am planning not to purge because I don't want to perpetuate the binge-purge cycle. And I know that by purging, I will binge again. I love my boyfriend, but my eating disorder gets out of hand whenever it comes time to see him. Heck, I've even considered cancelling my trip to see him, because my anxiety would go away, hence my eating disorder would die down. It's like my mind keeps telling me to go on a crash diet because I only have a week until I see him. I hope there are people who can relate to what I'm going through. What should I do? Should I delay the flight back a week? I always overeat during exam times, so I gain about 5 lbs, but my weight always goes back down in about a week, so I don't want to see him right after my exams. sigh... being in a relationship has made me more self-conscious and I don't want to be like this...

Don't delay the trip. You need to see someone who loves you- NOW. You're in a funk and thinking (sortof) irrationally that everything will be alright/better if you're "x" weight- I would bet $1000 that your boyfriend wouldn't have the faintest notion if you'd gained or lost a few lbs? I know my Hubby wouldn't! Go see him.

irishmum is right... even if you did put on a few, he won't be able to tell, my hubby can't tell either.  I would second her on that $1,000.00 bet too!  Absolutely go see him!  Yes, I know exactly what you are feeling too-I have been down the road of cancelling out on events because of weight anxiety-only to find out I missed out on an occasion I will never be able to go to.  No "do-overs"........

Don't let your ED  rule YOU, take charge and rule the ED and tell it you are not going to let it ruin your life any longer and you are going to do what the hell you want to. Having these kind of actions is the ED pulling you back in...one of the symptoms is isolation which these thoughts are very well starting to do to you.

Do NOT cancel this trip, you need someone who cares for you it seems right now in these stressful times and it might be really nice for you to get out and away from that stressful environment where you can have some fun for awhile.

You said it yourself in the first paragraph that if he wouldn't care how much you weigh and if he did then you should get rid of him and you are most absolutely right. If he loves you and it is genuine then he is definitely a keeper and knowing that statement you should not be afraid to see him. Think about it this way...if he gained a few pounds of WATER weight would you turn him down? Would that matter to you more then your love for the person he is? If no, then why should his perception be any different. When in doubt ask yourself that question. (Besides I agree a few pounds are not noticable at all.)

As for looking good, just do your hair extra nice, wear some makeup, dress girly or however you want. There are other factors besides weight that makes a girl attractive and when you make yourself up sometimes your weight is the last thing on your mind you just feel good about yourself with all the extra special treatment of hair, make up and clothes.

Go out to the person you love, don't give your love to your ED.

Totally totally totally. What everyone else said.

If you feel super self concious & can spare the cash, go get yourself something to wear that you feel sexy in. A few pounds is not noticable, but I notice that if my clothes are fitting a little tighter then that can add volume to the ED voice.

Remember those couple pounds could come off in as little as a week of normal eating (not even "diet" eating). 

Don't restrict, & focus on being healthy and HAPPY & feeling beautiful.

I have been there and go there from time to time too.  It really is a sense of gaining control back by purging.  It is hard to choose what to do. Today, I had to make the choice to binge or not to binge.  For today, I DID NOT binge and purge!  That is a VICTORY small as it is....it is one.  Each day that I don't binge and then purge is a victory. 

Go there to see him.  You are beautiful no matter what size you are...don't look in the mirror!!!.....Look inside of you and see your true beauty!!!!  Email me if you need support.  I will be there for you!

Blessings..........Dana

If being in a relationship has been making you self conscious, then this might be what breaks that line of thought. Nothing helps more when I'm convinced I look like a hideous beast then seeing my boyfriend, because the only thing he notices is that I'm upset. He's probably going to want to be there more than ever when you're in a bad place like that. If you do wait a week, I can see you putting even more pressure on yourself when you should finally be relaxing with someone who's going to think you're beautiful no matter how much you gain/lose. Try seeing yourself through his eyes once in a while!

I know what your going thru, the only differance is that I was with my guy when I was doing this.  We were getting ready to get married all I keep thinking about is how he would like me better if I was a few pounds.  Come to find out he actually likes me better now that I don't look like I'm sick.  (Just had a baby, so I'm still 5 pounds to pre-baby weight).  You might be surprised and your boyfriend will like you better with the weight.  But either way don't put off your trip.  I have learned since my wedding that life is short and you never know when you could get sick or something serious happens in your life and then weight doesn't really matter and your boyfriend does. 

I guess the reason why I am so scared about gaining weight is because my ex-bf dumped me because I gained weight. I was absolutely heart-broken (I went from 115 lbs to 130 lbs)... and unfortunately, when I gain weight, my appearance changes quite dramatically. I know that my current bf is NOT the same person as my ex-bf, but I can't help but think that all men are the same... that they will be less attracted to me if I gained weight. :(

This boyfriend though is a different guy he isn't the old shallow a**hole you use to date. Which should be a great self esteem motivator for you that you don't have the same idiot in your life and more then anything getting him out of your life was a great thing.

I think in love you have to take your biggest daredevil adventures with your heart. You take risks and sometimes they may be a good thing or heartbreaking. In the end though, with all of life's lessons I believe you learn from it, move on and I think sometimes your hardest pains because your biggest strengths. Naturally in a relationship when one is comfortable you gain weight, not always, but most of the time it happens. This is the ultimate test in love. (think about it, we get pregnant, bloated from menstruals, etc..etc. Men have stayed with women in these cases. :P ;))

Would you dump your guy if he put on a few pounds? If no, then why should he be any different. I know it can be hard, but because one guy is an a** doesn't mean they all are. :P Give this guy a chance and just be you. Not only that, but I doubt you're going to gain massive amounts of weight overnight and like you said it's only been a few pounds. It's probably not even noticable..but naturally with an ED it would be more so to you then anyone else, which I can understand.

If this guy loves you even at your *supposed* worse, which I highly doubt. *hugz. Then you KNOW he's a keeper. If not then he's not worth your time and you move on and find someone better. It's life.

I found a great companion in this test of life. I was quite small when we were first together, but I started binging badly and gained over 50 pounds. You know what he did? He told me I was beautiful everyday and that he loved my curves. In fact, He told me he loved me that way more so then when I was really skinny. He said I had major t**s and an a** now. Lmao. So some men do love the curvy women and the onces worth having in your life are the ones that will love you at any weight and that's where you determined the winners from the losers. :)

You have far more to offer then your weight, Sweetheart. Remember that. :)

Purging, even just once, can kill you. It can result in an electrolyte imbalance that will throw off your heart and cause cardiac arrest. You also put yourself at risk of tooth decay due to stomach acid eroding enamel, dehydration, amenorrhea - or loss of period, arrhythmias and scarring of your hands. It can also lead to the tearing of the esophagus, and the stomach.

While we have offered you lots of advice already you have now posted many topics in the same vein and there is clearly a limit to how this website can help. You need to get yourself to a doctor as soon as you possibly can (I am talking sooner than your already given appointment) or else to talk to someone in person like a family member or otherwise. But CC cannot help you on this matter if you actively continue to purge. Only a doctor can.

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