Family, Dinner, and You.

Now, I have control over most of my eating habits. I may not buy the foods, but I can request. I do my best to work with what I got during the day to keep my calorie spending at a good rate.

Dinner.. it's a whole different story. It's a whole frustrating different story. It's the kind of story that makes you want to rip the book in half and.. punch a baby! Okay, maybe not punch a baby. But it's a very frustrating story.

I've made it clear to my parents "Hey guys, I'm.. watching my weight now. Your dinners aren't helping me. Please let me prepare foods on the fried food days." So they agreed. But on days when they think they 're preparing "healthy" foods, saying "no, sorry, you kind of messed the food up" would be (at least to my dad) a lot like saying "Guys, I'm starving myself. I am anorexic. Please try to make me admit my bad lack of eating. Also give me lectures on how to eat, as I obviously cannot feed myself. Woe is I. Thank you."

As much as I love their effort, and I love the food, they slather EVERYTHING with butter. Veggies? Putter those suckers! Rice? MORE BUTTER! Meats? What was I doing.. Oh.. Yeah, this pound of butter? It's going right on that meat. It'll be great.

I'm not even sure how much calories I'm eating at dinner alone because they just.. put so much butter on the veggies and rice and stuff.. It's really hard on me. To limit myself to a couple hundred calories during the day just so I can eat a "normal" portion of this food they prepare for us would be ridiculous.

I feel hopeless. Why?:

- If I comment on the butter thing, I get a lecture from my dad about eating. "You know, you need some fats in your diet to be healthy." and he goes on and on and on...

- If I take less food during dinner time, I make them think that I have an ED. Not true at all.

- If I prepare my own meal, my dad gets really offended and is again suspicious of me having an ED since his sister had an ED when he was growing up.

It's so frustrating to do your best all day and then be forced to eat something that could ruin it entirely just so you don't have to put up with the crap you get for sticking up for yourself.

In conclusion: I'm a coward.

How do you people deal with your family's eating habits? How are your dinners? What did you do to stick up for yourself? Got any advice for the lost las in a sea of woe.. errr..me and my current problem?

Personally, our family has never really been big on family dinners as we all eat at different times.

But since that's not the case for you, how about offering to cook for the family and/or help to prepare stuff?  That way, you can kind of keep an eye on what's going into what.

Oh, man.  I hear you loud and clear!  

In my family, we always have home-cooked meals, and (just like you) they're always slathered in either butter or oil.  My family doesn't even know that I'm losing weight, because of one scarring conversation with my mom.  *shudder* It was a few months ago, and it went like this: 

Okie: "I want to get some abs; I think I'm gonna start doing sit-ups."

Mom: *scream* "DON'T BE RIDICULOUS! YOU HAVE ABS! SHUT UP!"

Okie: *cry* "Mom I just said I was going to get some abs and you blew up at me!"

Mom: "Well you're being absolutely ridiculous."

That's literally how it went.  All I said was that I wanted some abs. *sigh* Anyways, back to the point: I know how you feel but I don't really know how to fix the problem.  However, could they be jealous of your weight loss/getting healthy?  That's the case with my sister and I.  She gets jealous, so everytime she prepares a meal with me, I see her load my sandwich up with more peanut butter than everyone else's, for example.  She is trying to make me fat.  That is a disgrace.

I guess the only thing to do is make up some excuse of why you should make dinner every night.  A pain, I know, but it's better than going calorie-crazy.  Just be like, "Oh, Mom, you work so hard during the day; why don't you take a rest and let me make dinner tonight."  I'm sure she'll be flattered. ;) 

Hope I helped, and if you need any more help on this kind of stuff (or someone to vent to), I have the same problems as you so feel free to contact me! 

xoxoxo Okie

kaybug, hate to say it, but the are just, well, parents.  They honestly think they are doing the right thing for you. 

I know that you know it's not what you need to hear right now (trust me, I wish I could call them and tell them differently), but you are their child, this is there DUTY as parents.

I have no children, only 2 nephews so they can pretty much eat what they want as long as it's healthy. 

Are you underweight?  Sorry, didn't check your profile before I started.  If you are then I totally would be slathering the butter!  If you want any say as to what you eat for dinner you have to first prove to them that you are responsible in your choices and your health.  Evidently they seem to want to fatten you up like next year's Butterball Turkey for Thanksgiving...

Original Post by okgo:

 

That's literally how it went.  All I said was that I wanted some abs. *sigh* Anyways, back to the point: I know how you feel but I don't really know how to fix the problem.  However, could they be jealous of your weight loss/getting healthy?  That's the case with my sister and I.  She gets jealous, so everytime she prepares a meal with me, I see her load my sandwich up with more peanut butter than everyone else's, for example.  She is trying to make me fat.  That is a disgrace.

I guess the only thing to do is make up some excuse of why you should make dinner every night.  A pain, I know, but it's better than going calorie-crazy.  Just be like, "Oh, Mom, you work so hard during the day; why don't you take a rest and let me make dinner tonight."  I'm sure she'll be flattered. ;) 

 I'm very sure that's the case, jealousy.  And I am an alien with superpowers.

BTW, thanks for giving the OP a sneaky way around her parents.  Nice. 

Original Post by healthybmi:

 I'm very sure that's the case, jealousy.  And I am an alien with superpowers.

BTW, thanks for giving the OP a sneaky way around her parents.  Nice. 

0_0

I don't even know what to say.  Forgive me for trying to provide an answer because I understand exactly how she feels.  How rude of me...

Don't worry, I agree with you, okgo. =) Sometimes it IS jealousy; some people are just uncomfortable with the people around them making the effort to be healthier while they stick to their bad habits.

It would be sweet of her to prepare dinner for her mom by presenting her with that line. It would make her feel appreciated, even though it has sort of...  alternative reasons.

Original Post by wistfulxthinking:

Don't worry, I agree with you, okgo. =) Sometimes it IS jealousy; some people are just uncomfortable with the people around them making the effort to be healthier while they stick to their bad habits.

It would be sweet of her to prepare dinner for her mom by presenting her with that line. It would make her feel appreciated, even though it has sort of...  alternative reasons.

Haha!  That last "...alternative reasons" line made me crack up. :) And thank you for agreeing. ^_^

xoxoxo Okie

Woohoo! I got replies. Awesome. I ended up skipping out on dinner tonight because I kinda-sorta confronted them about slathering everything with butter, and I walked away from the table feeling terrible. My dad gave me this attitude like he put butter on everything to spite me, and he kind of acted irritated when I walked away, obviously disaproving me not eating this meal he knew I wouldn't approve of to begin with. I feel like no matter what I do for dinner, I'm going to get crap from him for doing it.

gadzooks - My dad is pretty obsessive about cooking. He has back problems, so he really can't go back to work, so he's stuck here at the house all day. Cooking and some chores (like mowing the lawn) are his way of giving back to the family. If someone like my mom tries to help him with cooking, he pretty much lets her know she's in the way and to.. well, get out of the kitchen and let him cook. None the less, he's a stubborn lad, and even if I was helping him, he'd still come by and add the butter regardless of my opinion.

 okgo - I'm glad I'm not the only one. And youch! at your mom. I hope your mom's opinion doesn't slow your progress! x__x Nah, my family hasn't shown any sort of jealousy towards my weight loss. Hell, no one has even commented on my weight loss, I guess because it happens so gradual they don't really notice. I'm glad no one is jealous, I'd have so little patience with that! XD And well.. I wish I could cook dinner for the family, but my dad really wants to cook us food. You should see how he gives me this offended attitude on the days I cook my own meal. It's.. straining, to say the least.

But yay family! They're just another obstacle to get through, I guess.

healthybmi - Not so much. I weigh 157 at 5'5", and my goal is a healthy 132. I'm overweight, I'm not doing anything crazy, and I'm trying to lose weight so I can be healthy and feel better about my body image, just like everyone else. I can understand where you're coming from, I know my parents are going to be concerned about my "diet" and me taking it too far, I've accepted that. But it feels like they haven't accepted the fact that there are things I won't eat because I know they're bad for me. It's almost like having friends that keep trying to give you a cigarette or a sip of alcohol. I'll right away say "no!" because they're bad things, I know I shouldn't intake those items, but your friends are just going to keep giving you crap about it everytime you say "no!".. It's straining, and unlike friends, I can't get away from my family. I live with them, I see them everyday. It's hard.

Blah, I think I'm rambling. You get my point, right?

Thanks for the replies, you guys. It made me feel a lot better. :)

oh man!!! I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM. AND IT DROVE ME ABSOLUTELY INSANE!!!

what i did to get around it:

1. re-structured my daily intake to make dinner my largest meal (and i hate it..=( )

2. made myself a big salad to go under the tiny butter ladden grilled veggies my brother cooks.

3. took tiny portions of the meat and turned it into a sandwich, again, with a huge side salad, and stuffed with salad- saying that i really feel like a sandwich tonight.

4. i also got my family to back off by using a smaller plate, therefore making my portions look bigger- also used the portion thing- where half your plate is veggies, 1/4 meat, 1/4 carbs (again, usually a slice of bread)

but this came after a lot, and im telling you A LOT of anger. but then i realized how pissed i was getting over butter... and i kind of took a step back and was like.. well... wow... i, personally, need to chill... if butter is making me angry, i think i might be a little too concerned... but thats just me. i've been calorie counting too long and im too young to care this much about butter. its silly!

you're lucky you have family dinners... i'd have killed for them growing up. oh and concerned parents- that would've saved me a lot of trouble haha.

It's good that you "kinda sorta" confronted your family about the butter. That is a great step as communication (rather than avoiding the topic) is more likely to ease this situation.

Parents can often be very stubborn, close-minded creatures who often panic about anything they don't deem to be the norm. They make mistakes and are definitely not infallible when it comes to their ways thinking. Of course, they like to think they do what is best for your interest, but often pettiness and other unconscious negative emotions influence their actions (just like with anyone).

So, you must approach them keeping in mind of their vices. Rather than appearing to them like their naughty child who won't eat her vegetables, be the strong adult who has the ability to use critical thinking to make beneficial decisions in her life. I suggest talking to each parent separately while sitting down, to avoid issues of domination and peer pressure.

Start off with, please have an open mind and really listen to what I have to say. Talk about how you want the parent you're talking with to respect your decision even if he/she doesn't agree with it; you are going to continue with your healthier lifestyle, and the negative behavior hurts you. You appreciate their concern, but you are making an informed decision that will make you happy. You know your body feels better when you eat healthier; remind him/her that you are the one who must live with your body every day, and that they don't. Repeat again that you are more than happy to make dinner if adding butter to only their food after it's plated is such an inconvenience.

Address any concerns your parents may have (for example, fat is healthy! You respond, good fats like olive oil or fish oil are healthy in moderation, and you plan to have a healthy amount in your diet). If your parent gets defensive, and refuses to listen to logic and reason, simply say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope you change your mind with further consideration". You can still stick up for yourself while remaining respectful and calm.

You have every right to treat your body well, don't let their stubborn foolishness get in the way of that.

What about educating your parents about nutrition?  Would it be possible to get them to accompany you to a nutritionist?  And what about getting out together and going for walks after dinner or some other activity?

One punch from your massive paw would ruin a baby! Just be careful. Also, judging from your profile picture, you could probably shed a few pounds if you would shave off some of your fur. You look pretty covered, but otherwise nice posture. Couldn't help but notice you're standing on your hind legs. Very good. Keep it up.

So your dad adds a lot of butter - is that all? I mean, how does he flavour the food he cooks? This is a tough one to get people to do but maybe you could introduce him to some spices. He may find that his dishes will have enough flavour with just spices and don't need extra butter or oil. It's tough to get someone to change that from of mind though because it means he'd have to admit that he was less than amazing as a chef or at least in some way deficient, and we guys tend to be kinda prideful about the things we think we do well.

I'm a big fan of communication and agree with marilb. I've got two ideas on how to approach your parents. First though - are either of them a bit overweight or have they ever been? It might be easy for you to rally some support from your mother in wanting to change your body image. If you're comfortable enough with her to be fully honest then you could probably get a lot done. Parents want their children to be happy and if you can show her that you're not as happy as you could be with your current weight (for all of the reasons - worse sport performance, poor self image, increased risk of future disease, lower life expectancy) then she may know what to do to change your fathers mind.

On the flip side these are all things you might be able to talk to your dad about privately, it all depends on the sort of people your parents are. Tell him how you feel and what you want to change about yourself. Even if him and your mom protest that you're perfect the way you are you can always throw back something like this - "I'm the way I am because that's how I have chosen to be. In 6 months time I'll be the way I am. It's all part of me growing and changing and I know what I would like to change into."

If none of this works and you're unable to convince your parents to support your endeavours to change then I suggest secresize (secret exercise. Only it's more fun to say). It's doesn't have to be secret, but if you know you're eating more calories at than you want to be eating daily then why not change it so that you're burning that many more calories? This would mean maybe you do some harder cardio each day and burn an extra 250 calories a day. That little increase won't make a life changing difference but it may be enough to allow you to find a way to cope with the lifestyle given to you.

It would also help to know how old you are, I'm not sure if I missed that or not. I don't think you should be doing any weightlifting until you're around 19 or 20, but I gather that you're about 17 or so from your tone and your way with words. I found your first post to be quite entertaining. Also keep in mind that you've only got a certain amount of time left in the nest and that one day you'll soar free. Trust me when I say it is awesome to be independent but only if you make it so. :)

Original Post by decarswell:

One punch from your massive paw would ruin a baby! Just be careful. Also, judging from your profile picture, you could probably shed a few pounds if you would shave off some of your fur. You look pretty covered, but otherwise nice posture. Couldn't help but notice you're standing on your hind legs. Very good. Keep it up.

WIN.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time imagining parents that wouldn't even consider supporting their daughter in weight loss if you actually do need to lose weight. Pull your mother aside & be completely honest with her. If the problem's really too much butter, that's an easy enough fix, & your mom may have better luck getting through to him than you.

Wow wow, thank you guys so much. >w<

marilb, you're defiantly right.. I'm disappointed I didn't think of doing that first, because that's the exact thing I'd tell someone else who was in my position!

gadzooks - My mom has wanted in the past to lose weight, and for a brief time, we used to go out for walks with eachother, but my family in general isn't very interested in nutrition. My dad, surprisingly, does know a lot about nutrition, just chooses not to follow it sometimes.

decarswell - I seriously lol'd. That was first part was awesome, thank you for that. My dad is a good cook, there's no denying it, he can whip up anything, and he uses his spices in just the right way everytime. Just his love affair with using butter.. apparently he uses it because it just works better then oils or other spices when it comes to grilling. (He grills pretty much every meat, which is a deffo plus for someone who's watching their weight..)

And in the past, I have always gone to my mom first. It's hard to confront my dad about these things, because although  he sort of understands after having two sisters and all, I don't feel comfortable expressing these sort of feelings to him. I think next time, I'll do my best to remain a little bit more peaceful, and do the more.. mature thing by letting my mom know how I'm feeling so she can talk to my dad.

Thanks again for all the posts. I got it solved (for now!), just for an update, I guess my mild confrontation struck hard because my dad went out today and bought these two low-cal frozen dinners for me for tonight because he knew I wouldn't be able to eat the ribs and fries he was going to prepare for the rest of the family tonight, he said he felt bad about me not being able to eat last night's dinner, and yadda yadda ya.

If this ever becomes a problem again, I'll follow the suggestions you guys gave me, for sure. :D Thank you very very much.

Kaybug - just one more thing to say that I imagine you'll find beary interesting.

I'm glad things are showing signs of working out for you but as for getting your mom to talk to your dad - don't. Use her as a confidant to share your feelings with and once she's on board with you the two of you could speak to your dad together. You should do most of the talking though, she'll just be there to help clarify anything that gets lost in translation and to ensure that you feel supported and cared for enough to bring forth your words. This'll go a long way to teaching you how to speak up for yourself when you're uncomfortable and how to engage people directly. Plus you'll learn to fight your own battles and not hide behind people. ^_^

Take care.

From all those people who I know who have been not working either due to loss of job or to a disability (temporary ones included), it's really hard.  The people I know in that situation have to find a way to make themselves feel useful somehow else, which I imagine is why dad is very territorial about the kitchen.  People want to feel useful, and cooking is a way to do that.  I imagine that when you do talk to him, it's more than about food to him.  It's probably about him being able to provide for the family in a way other than working.  So remember that to help you talk to him more effectively. =)

Hiya,

I was a little overweight at your age and the way I got my mam to start making healthier meals (hard with a fast food loving bro, let me tell ya!) was to get really excited about a "new" recipe and then ask if she would make it or let me make it.  My mam loved the fact that I was getting excited about food and possibly giving her the night off!

Things like "hey, this looks like a good recipe..." really worked for me.  It depends on your dad's personality tho.

One question though, is putting butter on veg a common thing in the US?  It's not something I've heard of - on new potatoes, yes but not other veg!!

An alternative could be to use a drizzle of olive oil instead. Ok, so it's still a fat, but it's a healthier fat than butter.  You can even make infused olive oil - you just add garlic, chillis or herbs to some olive oil to flavour it.

I read your profile and you are doing great.  You seem to have a good attitude and I can't see that you're doing anything unhealthy. 

Your parents just don't get it. They have eaten that way all their lives and are not going to take the advice of their child.  If you have a family doctor, you might ask that he or she talk to your folks about the importance of a balanced diet and about avoiding saturated fat.  It would be good for their health too.

Here are some websites for you to share with them, that are filled with useful information

You should be aware that the tools here at CC are for adults. 

Maybe this is a silly suggestion, but is it possible to ask your dad to make everything without butter and just have it on the table so everyone can add the amount they want (or avoid it if they don't want)? I understand about Dad being protective and possesive of job of chef; you could couch it as "I'm growing up and want to learn to take better care of myself, so I think I should learn how to cook some healthy meals..."

Just throwing things out there. I've had issues with my mom and food in the past and so I understand how difficult it can be to confront a parent about this sort of thing.

Chin up! You're doing great!!

It is extremely difficult to teach parents new things, but here are some tricks you might use.

• buy a health magazine, preferably one that has a cover article about un-saturated fats, leave it around the house
• Request a margarine without saturated or trans fats (maybe you're family might start using it too)
• Suggest that people can add their own butter at the table (this has worked for me before)
• Share health tips you learn randomly (not at mealtime) and discuss
• Compliment your parents on cooking that you do find healthy

Good luck!