Family Members Who Mean Well

So I had a frustrating experience this weekend.  My dad and I both need to lose weight and we are both well aware of it.  We've both struggled with our weight all our lives, and it's caused health problems.

What irritates me is that my dad will try to "help" but it really just annoys me.  For example, I had one soda at a family picnic this weekend, and my dad chewed me out.  Also, my family was dishing up dessert, and as he sat with a huge piece of ice cream cake in front of him he pointedly asks me, "Don't you want to have angel food?"

At one point I snapped at him and told him to take care of himself.  I know these comments come from a place of love, but it's very offensive all the same.  What do you say when you get comments like these?

I usually just try to let it go in one ear and out the other.  Don't let silly, menial comments get you down.  Life's too short to get hung up on the small things.

The "advice" I commonly get is rather ridiculous too, which can be quite amusing.  It's surprising how ill-informed people are.

I think it's more irritating when people try to push food on you.

You have to be careful with these kinds of situations that they don't provide excuses to behave like spoilt toddlers.  Bitchy comments and frayed tempers usually ends up with one eating cake to spite the other, someone else having a greasy hamburger in secret.... and when it gets to that level, everyone's a loser.

I think the solution is communication.  You're both grown-ups presumably so talk to your Dad about weight-loss 'man to man' in a mature way.  Agree that the silly comments aren't helping and that you're going to take it all rather more seriously because you both need to be healthy and you both love each other.   Work between you on something more positive.... maybe you could congratulate each other on getting 5-a-day fruit and vegetables?  Challenge each other e.g. who can  cook the tastiest meal for less than 500 cals a portion?  Or perhaps you could find a sport or activity you both enjoy?  That would help you both get fitter, burn a few calories and would be nice time spent together.  It would also help to agree that you're both allowed one 'not-so-healthy' food from time to time.  A healthy diet can include a slice of cake, after all.

I find it frustrating how UNSUPPORTIVE my family is when it comes to my attempt to live a healthy lifestyle... whenever we go out to eat i suggest a healthier place or a new type of ethnic food we haven't tried and everyone rolls their eyes and we end up at some steak-and-potatoes place. they are also always buying really sugary/fatty/processed foods for our fridge/cupboards and making comments when i don't eat them... it makes me very self conscious- someone is always looking over my shoulder and judging what i am cooking/eating. i almost feel like indulging in bad food in front of them just to shut them up! does anyone else have this problem?

I don't have this problem as much as my wife does.....She has lost over 200 lbs, bless her heart, and has done it with nothing other than a low-cal diet, exercise, and a lot of love and support from me.  But her brother has an irritating habit of beating her down about her weight, as if she doesn't know what she needs to do!  Even after losing that much weight, all her brother could say was, "Now you just need to lose 200 more to be normal".   Now, my wife has been severely obese since she was a child, weighing at 643 at her heaviest, so 200 lbs lost was a huge accomplishment for her, but he couldn't help her enjoy it; instead, he just bashed her down and made her feel crummy.....So you're not alone, we've all got at least one family member who doesn't get it...

 

My experience has been that many people are threatened by the changes that you're making.  If you change how you eat and look then they have no excuse for not doing the same.  The best thing is to sit them down and have a talk about it.  Quit tap dancing around the pink elephant in the living room. 

Be sure to use a lot of *I* statments. 

I'm trying to loose weight and become healthier

We went out to eat on X, Y, Z, and M and went to the steak house.  I've been experimenting with new foods and I really want to share some of the things I've found with you.  I think you might like them.  I'd like to work out a schedule so that when we go out to eat, we take turns choosing. 

I need your help

I would appreciate it if you didn't buy...

I would appreciate it if you did buy...

Or if you do buy X, I would appreciate if you don't ask why I'm not eating it.  I would also appreciate it if you didn't offer me X as it makes it hard for me to turn it down. 

That sort of thing.  Avoid sentences that use superlatives like always and never.  Explain to them that you're not cutting those things out of your life totally, but that until you get into maintenance you won't be having them very often.  Even once you get into maintenance, you won't be eating them as often as you used to.  Offering them to you right now is counter productive and somewhat annoying. 

With the orginal poster's dad, I'd say that it's not any of your business what either of you is eating.  Maybe he ate salad for 3 days to "afford" the cake on a special occasion.  Or maybe he's planning on going running for 3 days to burn it off or whatever.  I don't know and neither do you.  By the same token, that applies to him as well.  You can be supportive without being intrusive.  I think anything past a quiet "Can you afford that?" as a reminder if you think someone's slipping is totally out of line. 

You can publicly answer your dad by looking directly at him and telling him "Thank you for your support dad. I can afford these calories and still be within my diet plan this week!" Then continue to eat and change the subject with him. Privately, you can tell him that while you understand he is concerned for your health, he is embarrassing you when he comments on your food selection. Ask him to stop making comments about your food. Keep this up and he will most probably get the message and quit after a few more incidents.

I have learned in the last 4 years to NOT PARTICIPATE in discussions where one person is talking about what someone else ate. If its a group, I wander off and find another group. If its a one-on-one conversation, I let them finish and sit there quietly for 5 beats. Then I change the subject. I have trained people that I do not talk about what people eat. I always allow them some time to save face and change the subject themselves.

Unless they insist. One time, a particularly pushy woman challenged me at a dinner party in front of at least 8 other people. She was talking about how much her mother-in-law put on her plate. She was saying, "I just think thats so unhealthy!" When no one responded, she asked, "What do you think "salrob"?" I told her in front of everyone there, "I think its none of my business what food your mother-in-law puts on her plate." No one said anything for a minute. Then someone started up another conversation.  The message was clear. I am glad I learned to draw the boundry and stick to it. No other guest at the dinner table was offended by what I said.

cmrrdn,

In response to your comment, I think the problem lies not so much in you wanting to live a healthy lifestyle as much as it has to do with your family feeling as though you are pushing it onto them as well. You say you feel as though they are judging you, but they also feel the same way in reverse. When you refuse to eat with them, or suggest different places to eat, they interpret it as you judging their habits/choices. I know you mean well and want them to live healthier too, but until they decide to do it on their own you are only going to come across as "holier" than them.

Even most meat and potato joints have healthy choices on their menu, and even those that don't you can order the regular portion and only eat the responsible amount. Indulging in front of them is not the answer, but spending family time should come before any food choice. So next time go along with what they want to do and do your best to eat healthy when you are there.
Once you've established a record of not criticizing their food choices, you have the ammunition to confront them when they criticize yours.

As for food at home, just stop by the store and pick up some things that you want.  You might be surprised when some of it gets eaten by those who are so against it.  :)

This is one of the best threads I have read on this site! Thank you to everyone for the excellent suggestions, insights, and disciplines you have contributed. I am really moved reading this.

My one addition is Detach with Love. Many of you have expressed that principle, both in frank face to face talks and also in "salrob's" amazing self-control.

It is wonderful when family members can talk to one another and truly communicate about the hurting and helping behavior. It is also sufficient to do this one time. After that, as "salrob" so clearly presents, it is no one's business.

You guys are all getting down to the "real nitty gritty" as my generation liked to say, and I appreciate your thoughtfulness and openness. This really helps me.

Sometimes I struggle with this ... my sister is overweight and not really interested in changing at this point.  For a little while my family tried to encourage her to lose weight, in as nice a way as possible, but it was clear that it was just hurting her feelings and she wasn't ready to change, so we all backed off.

Except, sometimes it feels like any comment I make is a little dig at her - every time I say "no whipped cream, thanks," it's calling attention to the fact that she IS eating the whipped cream, etc.

I feel your pain!

I recently received "tips" from my little brother who's always been fit, lean and muscular.  I tried explaining that I'm doing fine (having lost 40lbs already) and don't wish to use the expensive supplements on the market but he insists that I buy and use C.L.A. from GNC or VitaminWorld or something to that effect.

I see these supplements as a waste of time and money.  I DO use Slim Quick once a day but that's just as a little nudge of help.  I've lost this 40lbs by working hard and watching what I eat.

For the most part, I do the In One Ear Out the other method. Yes, thanks, I'll look into it. :) and that's the end of that. LOL

 

yeah, i think we all get crap from the family.  don't let it bother you.  just do what you can & be proud of what you are doing.  you are doing the right thing & you know it.  :D

good luck to you & your dad!

on our last vacation, my family wanted to kill me because while they all were eating junk, i kept saying how i just wanted an apple.  LOL  i did, though, i finally got my apple!

Well, to be honest with you, I think it is a kind of emotional and mental abuse that is overlooked by society.  Being a large kid, my mom often told me.  "You are fat as h*ll, when you going to lose some weight?"  Being a fat kid, I did not know how to lose weight.  In 8th grade I quit eating.  I lost weight to the concern of the school that they thought I was dying. I went from 185 to 132 in a month.  I several times went to the point of nearly passing out. I got sick when I tried to eat again.  As an 8th grader, I did not know how to lose weight appropriately and I did know that losing weight had to do with eating. I do think it is emotionally damaging for a parent to harp on the weight of a child, even if the child is grown.  I think the world is going to tell them they have a weight problem.  They don't need to hear that from the people who are supposed to love them.  I read once that for every negative comment you make toward your children, you have give them 7 or 8 positives.  That is because the positives are expected and the negatives hurt.  I do harp about healthy choices, but to embarrass them at a function is not a good thing.  However, I look at both of my kids as being healthy.  I started my son off differently than myself, he has no cravings for candy or sweets.  I read somewhere that if you make it readily available from birth until adulthood, it would not be anything special....and most of the time he passes on the sweets by choice. 

The thing you have to do is figure out a way to ignore him if you can, if you can't ignore him, you need to confront him and let him know that it hurts your feelings and you are sensative to comments about your weight or feelings.  Sad but you have to tell some people. 

As a heavy kid, I was held down by several people and they spit in my face and called me names that related to my size. I ended up as an adult having to go to counseling to deal with a lot of the issues of my childhood.  Some were weight related issues included verbal and emotional abuse related to weight.  To this day, I can lose weight and I am criticized, If I gain weight I am criticized.  So therefore, I just ignore them until I have to confront them. 

Either way, I wish you good luck on your weight loss. 

 

David