Family relationships...

I have a question for anyone who moved out of their parent's house in the last few years... I moved out of my Dad's house about a year ago, and I have tried really hard to stay in touch, visit etc. But whenever I ask to come over, he says he's busy (he works from home). I call, he finds a reason to hang up. Finally, we got together last night and tried to tell him about my life, but after a minute he just said "I really don't have time for this right now." So we sat in silence... I guess my question is, what is everyone's relationship with their parents once they move out? I'm confused, especially since there a lot I have chosen to just let go that he's done, because it doesn't seem to matter anymore... any help? 

Perhaps your father is going through a very rough period? Try to find out what is causing him to act all 'cold' towards you, and muster the courage to have a good talk with him! Tell him that you care and you just want to show concern.

I think it might matter WHY you moved out in the first place.  Was it because of an argment or other disagreements or was it just because you thought it was time to be on your own?  Is it possible that you didn't explain the "why" part to your dad very well?

Maybe he feels hurt or is confused as to why you moved out.  I'm only guessing here....If you could give us more information, it might help.

bottom line: instead of avoiding the subject and just trying for general talk, you might want to ask him if he will sit down with you and have a heart-to-heart about what is on both of your minds.

See thats the thing... I moved out partly because my new house is closer to school, and partly because he drinks too much and being around him drunk is just a bad idea. so I guess I abandoned him with his problem, which i know is selfish, but he doesn't see it as a problem anyway. He just thinks I moved out to be closer to school. And he never seemed to have a problem with me moving out, but now he's just absurdly distant.

Hmm, it seems I am rambling, but I hope that answers the question.

Ok.  That makes a bit more sense.  I still say you should sit down with him and point blank ask him if there is something wrong or if he is upset at you for something.

And even after you have tried to have a rational conversation with him, it's possibility that the alcoholic in him will still cause him to act badly.  Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do for a person when they are hell bent on self destructive behavior.

I have never had to deal with something like this, so I apologize if I've not helped much.  Give this post a little time.  By the time Monday rolls around, you might get some posters who have been through similar situations.  I'm betting they will have some good advice for you.

However you decide to handle it, I wish you good luck.

People with a dependency on alcohol, drugs or whatever are notoriously self-absorbed.  Chances are he hasn't changed his behaviour towards you fundamentally.  Looking back, when you were home and you could see each other 24/7 was he especially communicative?  Did you used to have cosy chats about life or has he always been the taciturn sort? 

My ex-husband had an alcoholic, depressive father who basically excluded all of his children from his life once they left home.   They'd sit around for hours hand-wringing about what they'd done wrong when it was plain to an outsider that the problem was entirely his. 

All you can do is keep doing what you're doing and maintaining contact.  Don't expect him to kill the fatted calf when you turn up.... lower your expectations. 

You know.. sometimes falling out just happens too. I moved out about 2 years ago. I only got closer with my mom and very distant with my dad. Although my dad got remarried and I don't get along well with her.

There is usually something as a factor. Such as your dad's drinking. But it is normal as well, as life happens people split. It's truly sad. Buttt I bet you'll be able to reconnect at some point. As a positive point =P

Thanks for the advice... And don't worry, I really have no expectations. I guess it might get better over time, but somehow I don't think so... We'll see I guess. I just don't know how to make it happen, especially not without risking making things worse. thanks everyone anyway:\

You moving out of your dads house partially because of his drinking is not selfish. It's the best possible thing you could have done for yourself. He is the parent. Not the other way around. You are not responsible for his actions.

I understand what you are going through, to an extent. Though, I haven't had the ability financially, yet, to leave my mothers house for similar reasons.

However, I've been able to learn that when I leave... It isn't selfish. That I have an obligation to myself, and to my life, to take care of ME for a change. The stress of worrying about her, what she is going to do, what is going to happen to her, what she is giong to say, etc...... It's not good for me. And it's not my job.  I've been in the caregiving role for far too long.

As far as your relationship is concerned... I applaud you for being so concerned about it and not giving up on him completely. I'm at a point with my mother where I'd just as well cut off all contact once I leave until she gets her act together. So for you to continue to reach out is extremely compassionate. But I also want to say that you removing yourself from that situation by moving, isn't going to be as healthy as it can be - if you continue to put yourself in the caregiving role.

Someone asked if while living there, your father and you did have good conversations and/or spent a good deal of time together? How was your relationship before you moved?

If you were at a place where communication was open... I'd highly suggest sitting down with hima and having a conversation about what is going on.

If that door of communication was never opened... I'd simply let him know that you miss him and your concerned about where your relationship is going.

I don't want to jump to conclusions... And a lot of this is based on my own bias and experience.... But it could be that his drinking has gotten worse since you've left. Perhaps he contrained himself to a certain extent while you were in the home, but now that you've left he's let go completely. That may be the cause of this distance.

You really just need to let him know that you're concerned and that even though you dont live with him anymore, you still want to spend time with him when he is treating himself well. Everything after that point, is up to him. Keep reaching out and letting him know that you love him. That's all you can do. But please dont feel selfish. And don't feel obligated to care for him in the way you may have had to in the past.

Well we never had an open relationship. I was always afraid to bring up anything that would upset him... but he was also a great dad in a lot of ways, so I don't want to lose that. Plus he's really the only family I have... and I'm afraid that if I give him space I will never get it back. Thanks for the advice though, its helpful.

Look, go to Al-Anon.  It might not give you all the answers but it will give you good people who are dealing with what you are dealing with. 

If he chooses to drink and you want a relationship, these guys can help.  They will help put everything in focus so you can figure out what is important for you to keep and what you can ignore. They won't change him but if you change a bit, he might.  However that isn't a promise, just a possible end.

And it is not advice it is a strong suggestion. 

And no left alone it never gets better with an active drunk, only worse.  I know.  I'm in AA.

Relationships change when we become adults and move away from parents. It's not always a horrible thing though because there is potential growth. It's important to remember he'll always be your dad. . . Drunk or not. Child or Adult. Close or distant. Living home or away. . . but... The relationship that you share will change throughout the years.  You can't change your father or mold him into the father you want him to be for you. The best thing you can do is keep the bridge from you to him intact. Especially, since you're transitioning into an adult with your own residence. Sometimes the difficult choices are the right ones for us, even if they make us feel selfish. You aren't. It's simple. You're just transitioning into a different relationship with your father. I suggest that you continue to try without expectations. We're conditioned to see things as good or bad. Some people consider change always good. Some consider it bad! It's neither. It's inevitable. The only thing constant in life is that everything is always changing. Relationships included. I've been in a similar situation with my father. Sometimes we need to believe in the choice we made.

 Continue to be the same you, even from another residence. In time hopefully by making yourself available to him he'll cross the bridge on his own. It's not something that you can force, but remember to keep faith.

It must be very painful to be in this situation. I am sorry. When I moved out, my mother and I got closer. We talk every night on the phone. My dad died in a car accident in 1991 so I don't know how dads react. For my step dad it was good riddence..he and mom had been married only 4 months when I left--because of him. I think mom was afraid of loosing me so some how it worked out. She's still married and me, 2 marriages and one divorce later have never been back in her house as a resident. I get a long with my step father now as well .....from a distance.

If I were dealing with your situation, I'd be tempted to ask your dad point blank, "you seem to be mad at me, have I done something to upset you?" I don't think an innocent question as such would make matters worse for you...at least I hope not. But if they do then your problems are so deep that you may not be able to find a way to fix them right now. At which point, you continue to put up with his crap, keep your mouth shut but NEVER EVER blame yourself because it is  his problem and not yours and he may just need a few years to deal with the emotions he has locked away this might take years especially if he drinks often. Even if he admits it is lonely in his house without you there or that he feels you abandonded him that is not your fault he is just trying to transition to being an adult (ouch that sounded harsh but it may have needed to be said). My ex husband is still dealing with these issues after 6 years of divorce but he is generally very cordial to me now but we went through several years where he didn't want to see me or talk to me but now he has sort of adjusted to being alone. Men, I believe, have a much tougher time adjusting to an empty house than women do. If this is part of his problem, he should think of getting a roommate to help pay the bills and keep him company. These things work themselves out in time. Just remember as long as you are willing to make the effort to be with him you will never loose him. Just don't let it hurt you during this transition period. 

Thanks all... I saw him on Christmas eve, and decided to take all the advice here and try to bring up how he's been treating me (i have to admit, the wine had something to do with me screwing up the courage to ask). It did not go well, unfortunately. The converstation became an argument even though I made certain not to attack him at all, and before the end a few dishes had become casualties. But it made me realize that you guys are right. Its not my problem. Its a bit tough because all of my friends are close to their families, but I have to realize that that kind of relationship is not what we have, never has been and never will be.

Its not good but at least I now realize it - thanks for the help.

I am glad we could help you see that it isn't you. I am sorry you want the close family but don't have that with your dad. I have a friend like that and somehow along the way us friends have become her family and she has many close and caring relationships so she is contented. I wish you well in your journey of life.

You did the right thing for you.  It would have been very unhealthy to keep those feelings in.  Congrats on moving out and giving yourself the opportunity to become your own person.  Stay strong and definitely come back and post if you need some support.

Original Post by hockeygirl44:

Thanks all... I saw him on Christmas eve, and decided to take all the advice here and try to bring up how he's been treating me (i have to admit, the wine had something to do with me screwing up the courage to ask). It did not go well, unfortunately. The converstation became an argument even though I made certain not to attack him at all, and before the end a few dishes had become casualties. But it made me realize that you guys are right. Its not my problem. Its a bit tough because all of my friends are close to their families, but I have to realize that that kind of relationship is not what we have, never has been and never will be.

Its not good but at least I now realize it - thanks for the help.

 On the bright side... Sometimes we create our family by making friendships outside our actual family. People around us become closer to us than actual family members. Or just as close.  Be careful not to detach yourself from the possiblities. Keep that bridge to you open. There are lots of people just like you out there... Just waiting for another addition to their family! It takes some people longer to realize the value in relationships. I just hope when/if your father comes to the realization you'll still be available by choice ect.

People say you can't pick your family. :: whispers:: but it's a lie.

Says who? Lol! Says me. You can actually build relationships that are just as fulfilling. I assure you.