Fat guys and normally sized girls

Do us bigger fellows stand a chance? I mean I'm losing weight slowly but surely and all but I still have a long way to go until my goal. A family member was telling me about a girl she thought I'd like but apparently she doesn't have any extra weight on her at all.

Maybe it's just a self-confidence defeating attitude that holds me back but I just have a hard time believing that she won't care that I'm fat. I'm getting way ahead of myself since I haven't even talked to this girl or seen what she looks like but it's hard not to think about it.

I can tell you for certain that if you don't meet her and talk to her that she definitely won't have a chance to decide if she likes you.  Personally, I have a general range which varies from in good shape (~20bmi) to kind of okay shape (~27bmi) but beyond that to either side is a deterrent to any attraction a personality that really clicked and common interests might override that but I have yet to have that happen.

Men and women alike have their own personal tastes in what they find attractive.  And if you sat them down and asked them to write a description of their 'ideal partner' they could rattle off a few adjectives.....  Some people are very appearance oriented and can be quite prejudiced in that regard (they say they only like blondes or wouldn't date anyone in glasses) and others are more personality-oriented.   There's also that phenomena of 'opposites attract'.  You've only to look at some couples .....  French President Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Carla Bruni, for example.

So yes,... this is a self-confidence issue and yes, you are getting way ahead of yourself.   When you talk to a woman, treat her as a 'potential friend' rather than 'girlfriend' and then, even if she doesn't warm to you sexually, you've not lost out in the slightest.

Original Post by smwhipple:

I can tell you for certain that if you don't meet her and talk to her that she definitely won't have a chance to decide if she likes you.  Personally, I have a general range which varies from in good shape (~20bmi) to kind of okay shape (~27bmi) but beyond that to either side is a deterrent to any attraction a personality that really clicked and common interests might override that but I have yet to have that happen.

Yeah, this is true. I've had a bigger girl like me before but she was just way too far out of the range of what I find attractive.

Original Post by gi-jane:

Men and women alike have their own personal tastes in what they find attractive.  And if you sat them down and asked them to write a description of their 'ideal partner' they could rattle off a few adjectives.....  Some people are very appearance oriented and can be quite prejudiced in that regard (they say they only like blondes or wouldn't date anyone in glasses) and others are more personality-oriented.   There's also that phenomena of 'opposites attract'.  You've only to look at some couples .....  French President Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Carla Bruni, for example.

So yes,... this is a self-confidence issue and yes, you are getting way ahead of yourself.   When you talk to a woman, treat her as a 'potential friend' rather than 'girlfriend' and then, even if she doesn't warm to you sexually, you've not lost out in the slightest.

 

I'd definitely say I'm more personality oriented. It is true that I do have limits on what I find attractive physically but they're pretty forgiving.

The only thing that scares me about treating a woman as a potential friend is getting stuck in the friend zone.

TIP... if you want a lasting relationship rather than a one-night-stand it's usually better to treat people as a potential friend rather than wade straight in with the heavy chat-up lines and sexual innuendo.....  Especially if you're not 'classically good looking'.   The slow-burn of getting to know each other is often more realistic and a better start than the Hollywood rom-com myth of eyes meeting across a crowded room...

Original Post by gi-jane:

TIP... if you want a lasting relationship rather than a one-night-stand it's usually better to treat people as a potential friend rather than wade straight in with the heavy chat-up lines and sexual innuendo.....  Especially if you're not 'classically good looking'.   The slow-burn of getting to know each other is often more realistic and a better start than the Hollywood rom-com myth of eyes meeting across a crowded room...

This is true. I guess you just have to make sure your window doesn't close. I'm pretty good at charming them with humor and such, haha. I just have to remember not to wait too long and have a girl think I'm not interested.

There are some overweight guys who are absolutely adorable.  Like that guy from Kocked Up who did a bunch of other movies and tried to get skinny.. he's not cute when he's skinny, he's only cute when he's a chub.

Or the guy from Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel.  I don't know why, but I think he's sex.

oh oh oh  ^^^ katesorad is so right!!  there ARE chub guys that are totally cute  :D

I happen to like whatshisface!!  man I can't remember the name.  The guy from King of Queens, Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and Hitch.  OH... Kevin James!!  it just came to me when I mentioned Hitch!

I think he's totally HOT, hehe, or cute rather.  I don't know if I'd feel the same if he got all skinny.  I kinda like him on the chubby side  :D  he's a goofy-cute!  totally

I guess it also depends on 'how' you carry the extra chubbiness.  know what i mean??  like Kevin James... I like how he carries himself.  Now... if it were Chris Farley (my he RIP) I don't find him attractive at all.  I'd never really liked how he carried himself.  I don't know (or think) it was so much the weight... maybe his hair?  it always seemed or looked dirty to me....  blech.  *shivers*

I met my bf after I had finished losing 40 lbs. He was 190 lbs, not too overweight which didn't bother me - I actually thought he was cute chubby! He quickly found that living with me involves lots of exercise (and lots of eating too), so he has lost close to 30 lbs in the past 8 months. No matter what shape you're in, having self confidence and a good sense of humor will help you with the ladies. :)

Original Post by thymine:
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No matter what shape you're in, having self confidence and a good sense of humor will help you with the ladies. :)

This is so true.  Nothing like having a guy who isn't going to whine about the small **** around.  Whatever shape you're in, an active plan to improve it won't hurt, but we still have no interest in talking about celery stick when we want chocolate mousse.

Chris Farley looked dirty all the time because he was drunk of geeked out on something. I agree that Seth Rogan was more attractive when he was chubby.

My brother is 6'3, 300 lbs. He loves food and cooking and eating in exotic restaurants.....his favorite comic is Kevin James Every single one of my friends thinks my brother is hot. And I have hot friends.

The advice I give big guys the most is "stop making fun of yourself", because honestly, girls don't even think anything negative about a big guy until they notice that he has a self-deprecating attitude toward himself that he can't stop talking about.

A good sense of humor is the best quality a guy can have. IMO, making me laugh will override any little flaw a guy may think he has.

Also, be yourself, but don't fart in the car.

Weight can sometimes have no influence either way.


I am slim - BMI about 19.  No extra weight on me really.


I go to the gym most days and have a better than average body.

Unfortunately, guys just do not find me attractive. Because my body does not make my overall appearance attractive.

I am not bad looking either - but how I feel on the inside prevents me from appearing attractive on the outside.

I have been  caught up in over coming eating disorders (not anorexia, other one)  that even though I am virtually free from thinking of them now, and am living normally and happily, I still have a bad vibe to me in regards to connecting with guys.



So -  I have a thin gym toned body, and guys don’t find me attractive based on how I come across.


Larger guys can be attractive - but once they are unhealthily large, it is physically off putting. Because it is a sign of bad health.


But if you are a nice guys, and/or physically are starting to be healthier, than a lot of girls will be able to see beyond excess weight before the actual transition (when you lose it all).

So - if you think and live healthier, than you may be surprised to find that your over all image is actually already attractive to women.

Original Post by animsteve:

Yeah, this is true. I've had a bigger girl like me before but she was just way too far out of the range of what I find attractive.

Well you are asking girls to take a leap of faith on you-- maybe you should do the same.  There are a lot of good "bigger girls" out there that maybe would join you on the road to becoming more healthy or are already on the road and you just havent given her the time to find out....

Its the golden rule thing...

I think people's first impressions are the most shallow, and eventually they make a more true assessment. When people are interested right away, it's probably all from looks. More lasting relationships tend to happen more slowly.

Anyways, this may sound sexist, but honestly I usually have more fears the other way around. Like all those guys who want to put up "No Fat Chicks" signs? Yeah, they need to die in a firey train wreck on their way to the Misogynist Convention.

I don't know if you have a chance for this case because I don't know the girl. But you certainly have a chance for a skinny girl in general, why wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with giving it a shot, she could be incredible.

It depends on the girl's particular tastes. I've known women who found bigger men absolutely adorable.

I met my bf 10 months ago. He's quite overweight, (5'9 and 225lbsish) but when we met I found him to be smart and very funny and we instantly clicked. Our first date was going to see Twilight, then taking fish and chips back to his, watched old videos of when he was a kid on a quiz tv program, and just talked for hours. I think I finally left around 3am. I didn't want to leave, I liked him so much!

He is amazing, but when he has one of his 'I'm too fat low self esteem' grumps on, it does bring me down too. Girls pick up instantly on this one! If he was like this when we met, I'm pretty certain he wouldn't have gotten a second date.

His extra weight just adds to his extra cuddliness and very comfy to cuddle into. I def think he's the most gorgeous thing ever (sop sop sop bleuugh lol) He is trying to lose it, and that's just another thing to be proud of for me.

So yeah, confidence and laughter are key to a good start! Other than that just be yourself, and have a good time.

Of course every girl has different preferences when it comes to guys (or girls for that matter)...

...but I personally am more attracted to guys with some pudge. I love that whole teddy bear vibe.

There are definitely girls out there who will be attracted to you regardless of your weight.  You just need to put yourself out there, and keep in mind that everyone gets rejected from time to time.

Original Post by katesorad:

There are some overweight guys who are absolutely adorable.  Like that guy from Kocked Up who did a bunch of other movies and tried to get skinny.. he's not cute when he's skinny, he's only cute when he's a chub.

 Seth Rogen!!! That's my ultimate celebrity crush! I agree, I think he loses his appeal when he loses weight.

Animsteve, my main advice would be: find someone who is about the same size as you in terms of "level of overweight"/BMI. Someone who is also motivated to lose it. Like drea says, it's all about the golden rule.

If you try to aim for someone who is much more conventionally physically attractive than you are, you generally wind up with a trade-off that you may not know about at first - she will be less smart or less kind or less sane than you.  Of course, size is not the only factor in attractiveness, so you might find someone who is thinner than you but otherwise overall about the same level of attractiveness. I'm just saying that people do best when they seek out people who are about at their own level in all respects.

Let me ask you this - do you like BBW?  What are you attracted to?  I've never been with a man that was overweight and would never.  I don't judge a person's character by their weight and have several heavy friends.    But, romantically speaking (sexual attraction) is something else.   Good for you that you are trying to take the weight off!  Keep up the good work!   In the meantime, don't be hurt/surprised if thin women aren't attracted to you.  You might become friends first, then the anticipation of romance later could be a motivator in your weight loss efforts.  Good luck to you.