The "fat image" complex

Lately, I have been walking around wondering what I look like.. (I know that sounds weird) I have been looking at other women to get an idea of what I look like now since the weight loss, ya know, to kinda give me an idea of what I will look like later, or even just to see what other people are seeing in me.  I keep looking in the mirror and I see one thing, but it just doesnt seem real.  So I have been asking people who are around me if I look like people I keep seeing as being my approximate size (weight etc).  Now I have other people looking at me (friends) like I am mad.  They say I have a "fat image" complex.  Some of them are worried that I am going to never be able to see myself as I am.. for example, I chose a random shopper, and said ok, she looks about my size.  When I pointed it out to my friend they looked upset.  "NOOO" they said.  I am way smaller.  I just seem to not be able to see what my size is now after the weight loss, because I havent been here in a VERY long time.  Any one else have issues with the "fat image" complex? I feel kind of weird about it.  But I am happy about my progress. I started in Feb. of this year and I've lost 30 lbs. from 196 to 166.   Any thoughts?

don't know what to tell you, except that I understand what you mean about wondering how people see you, what kind of size category they would put you in.

I do that too, where I ask people, "am I her size? Is that what I look like in a skirt/dress" ?

Why do they get so mad? =( I just want to know where I stand!

girl, I've been thinking that every time I leave the house or watch tv.

But I won't tell you what kind of stupid stuff I get for answers. I think it's a nomal thought.  But otherwise, I'm in about the same boat as you.

the other day I was folding laundry and actually looked at the jeans I just bought the other day. I said 'holy crap! is my arse really that small!?' my husband laughed his head off at me, but I really had no idea.

I find it helps to have a visual history.. this is me when I started, 1 month in, 2 months in, 3 months in..
Take measurements too.. it helps bust up this metal image. Because there you have hard proof that your bustline, backyard, arms, calves, etc. are all shrinking! :)

yeah, my image of myself is apparently totally distorted (although it's
getting better!).  a lot of it is that i base it on weight--for
instance, i have a friend who's 280 pounds.  i'm around 250 so i
assume i look a lot like her.  i fail to take into account,
however, that i'm 6'2" and she's around 5'8" or 5'9" so we are not
actually the same size at all.

I have a real problem with that as well. Ive always seen someone eles in the mirror. I always will. All I can tell you is, we are who we are. Everyone has their own ideas for what is "fat" what is "skinny" what is "beautifull" You never look the same in everyones eyes. I know men who will only date "large women, and I know men who will only date "small" women. But each and every one of those men have different ideas about how "big" is too "big" or how "small" is too "small" Its best to try not to worry about it :)

hey i to have delt with distorted self image since grade 4. i always say man my arms or to big or my legs are to big and my friends get mad and "no your skinny as a stick" or ppl don't support your healthy weightloss. but anyways i say in a way its encouraging for them to get mad cause it almost makes u feel like wow i must be smaller than i think. n e ways ya that was just a thought, take their angry coments as good compliments, lol...

This is something on a little different note . . . but it sort of fits, and I wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience.

Before I started loosing weight I never really looked at actresses or models as something to compare myself to because I would never get there! But I still thought they were beautiful (and I guess I secretly wished I looked like them), and how was I to know what was a healthy look or not?

Anyways, now that I've lost 30 lbs (still have a lot to go!) I look at them and I just see skinny . . . too skinny. It became really clear to me last night when I saw a preview for "The Break Up" where Aniston walks around naked (well, they just show her back and face). I found that I didn't find that brand of thin very attractive! Wow, I don't want to look like Jennifer Aniston! (and she's not even one of the ones known for being scary skinny aka Olson twins, etc)

Has anyone else found that their ideal of beauty has changed since they started this? Just curious . . . Thanks.

I have always had terrible issues accepting how I truly look in other people's eyes.  Part of me says I look better now, but I still think of myself as a size 16.  But then, when I was a size 6 I thought I was unattractive.  It's a huge mental thing that I'm trying to work on.  One of the things I'm doing is allowing my picture to be taken more often, so I can get a feel for how I look that way.  It's helping me realize I am smaller now, even if I'm not where I want to be yet.

I response to rivergirl's post - I really admire Rachel Ray's look.  I consider her to be a good 'role model' in that she's thin, but she's not bony.  And you know the girl can eat!  :)  When I look at a lot of other people on tv I just see all the bones, and you're right, it's not attractive or admirable to me anymore like it once was.

Thanks for the input. I totally agree (once I figured out who Rachel Ray was :)). As I have been coming to this realization I have been looking for other role models (for how I would like to look), and I have come up with a lot of athletes - Venus or Serena! But also I have found . . . 50's pin-up models!!!! (He he he, must never confess to my femi-rights friends and mother).

Wow guys, thank for all of the responses!  I was sitting here thinking about it, and I guess that the best thing I can do to bust up that mental image is to change - change enough so that I can never imagine that I am that big.  Not meaning anything so drastic as say a size 2 lol, but maybe 3 or 4 sizes smaller than I am now.  If I put in the effort & increase the changes to be mental as well as physical, maybe this problem will decrease.  I am going to have  a friend take a pic of me & post it, so that I can see (you guys too) how much I have changed.   To me this is a way of motivation, since it has become somewhat of a preoccupation with me.  I am just SO glad that I am not alone in this!  Thanks again!

cleverfishes... I, too, often wonder how I look to other people. Just because I want to know if my "self-hatred" is warranted or not. I'm always told I carry my weight very well (and I do need to lose a lot) but I still want to know how I look to everyone else.
It's really hard to change distorted body images. I know that it's really bad to look at people like Kate Moss, the Olsen twins, etc... and find that to be very attractive but I think because my mom was anorexic at one point, and I have struggled with eating disorders through college, my admiration of that won't change.

This is an interesting topic for me because my experience is quite similar, yet slightly different.  I lost over 50lb ten years ago and went through my image "adjustment" stage. And then... I met a guy who fell madly in love with me and we got married.  That was a fantastic confidence booster.  On my first wedding anniversary I discovered that I ballooned up to 180lb!!! And that is 40lb up from what I was on my wedding day and a record high in my entire life.  Remarkably, though, I caught myself thinking the other day that I still look as if I was size 10.  Now I don't know what "distortion" is better. 

As far as celebrities go, Olsen, Moss and co. don't do much for me, Hally Berry's bud I'd switch for any time. :)

Well, I think Halle Berry has an amazing body as I think many other celebrities with similar, "more realistic" bodies but for some reason it's the Moss/Olsen body I strive for.

Amanda . here is a fun idea you can do with your kids. Get a large roll of paper and have your children trace your shape on the paper . It is a lot of fun .After you have traced each other out you can colour/draw all kinds of funky stuff on your image. Great way to spend a rainy day .good for you to see your body image. Kids absoluuutly love this .Have fun.
    Alison

I have always had a distorted self image in many different ways. As a small child, I was very very thin...
I guess I always thought I would remain that way... I switched schools QUITE often when i was young... and by junior high, i was about 140 pounds. I am only 5"1 now, at 22, so I was quite overweight for my little frame.
I think as a defense mechanism, I always looked in the mirror and saw somwone thinner than I really was. It was only when I looked at pictures of myself that I realized how big I had become.
Now... I quite often have friends/family members comment on how thin I am- I still see myself in the mirror as chubby.  I still look at current photos and piece apart the tiny fold of skin under my chin, etc...
I think so easily adapting my image of myself from someone who was overweight and saw a thin girl, to a girl who is classified as underweight and still looks in the mirror and sees that "Required Improvement" is evident that your self image is ever changing along with your mindset and present confidence level. Self-security, maybe.
I look at the way I view myself as a warning- and I think we all should- things can easily slip out of your grasp when you feel the control involved in the way you look.
I think this site is a great place for me to not only go through fitness stories, help people through struggles, etc... But also to keep on top of things like eating enough and being healthy.
Saying that (Wow! This has becoem a long winded post!) I'd like to thank all of you who have never made comments about all of the people on this sight who are at or near their goals... and embracing them here like you would someone far from their goal-
Mostly because we all know how it feels to be judged!

You described me and my daily thoughts in a nutshell! I totally obsess over it- always comparing myself to others.  It isnt healthy and usually makes me feel depressed about how I look.  My husband gets mad at me when i ask him if i am bigger or smaller than other women too- but i know what you mean about having NO IDEA what you look like to other people or in relation to them. 

Great post, mercedesjag... I think most of us can relate.

And as a side note.. i really like your art edryden... :)

I think the thing that drives me the most crazy is how I feel like I look dfferent in every reflective surface. My full-length mirror at home is for sure a "fat" mirror. I always think I look huge in it. Then when I was in a dressing room at a dept store last week, I looked at myself in the mirror in my undies and thought "wow, I look pretty good." So I never know what I really look like, or what mirror to believe! There was a little vintage boutique I used to shop at that had the best mirror - in fact, the store owner said the store was famous for it! People would ask to bring outside clothes in to try them on in front of this mirror. Alas, the store is no more, and the mirror has become legend.