How do I get my father to stop with the mean comments on my weight?

I was having dinner with my father, my sister, and her boyfriend and my sister asked me if I went out for a jog today like I told her I would. Before I could answer, my father starts laughing. He turns to my sister's bf and says, look at her, does she look like someone who jogs. I was really hurt and luckily my sister was able to stealthily change the subject.

This is not the first time and strangely, he prefers to make these sorts of comments when there are more people around. It's embarrassing and hurtful and I've told him so but he says that if it really bothered me, I should just go the gym and be skinnier. Luckily, I'm living on my own so I don't see my father all that often. But tomorrow I'm going to another family dinner and I know he's going to make more of these comments. At 5'4, 125lbs, I'm the heaviest person in my family (including extended family) so I'm really the odd one out. I feel like if he makes another joke about breaking the chair at the dinner table I'm going to burst out in tears. How can I tell him to stop? Or is this one of those cases where you just suck it up?

Maybe breaking out into tears might make him REALLY realize that his hurtful comments truly hurtful! I cannot believe your father does that - you are is off spring after all so if he thinks you are "so heavy" then he should only blame himself! You are a perfect weight for your height - I cannot believe he is so cruel! I feel so sorry for you! Good luck tomorrow!

look him dead in the eye and say, "Don't talk about my weight ever again."

subtlety doesn't work well with dads, because they often think they're entitled to comment, but if you say it very clearly, adult to adult, hopefully he'll get it.

I would just turn to him and say "hey, why dont you stop being a dick? Do you really think its ok to act that way? Whats wrong with you?" ...he would probably be even more embarrassed.

My dad is the same way in saying thoughtless things a lot of the time...and...i do the same thing to him (and normally he gets really quiet). Never towards me, but towards others in the family (like saying my moms new business is foolish). People like that you have to treat like children, when they step out of line just clearly call them on it.

You shouldnt get upset...the problem in the sittuation isnt you...the problem is him and his inability to act in acceptable ways.

You are 5'4" and 125 and the heaviest in your family??  I would say you may need to give them some suggestions about how to gain a pound or two themselves.  They just might be underweight.  I'm sure you are just fine exactly as you are.  Your dad is acting very immature, as well as just plain mean.  This is not loving fatherly behavior, in fact it's abusive, and it would be appropriate for you to tell him so.  He is acting like an idiot, shame on him. 

If he does it again, get up and leave.  Don't be emotional.  Don't yell.  Get up and tell him, "If you're interested and seeing me and having me around, you'll treat me with respect."  Then go somewhere else and have fun and let him deal with the fallout.

And for the record, at 5'4, 125, you're not even close to heavy.  Even you were, his behavior is totally unacceptable.  But you're not.

I want to know how your father can think you're fat at 125lbs and 5'4".  I'm 5'4" and 135 and I do not look fat.  I do have that fat paunch thing over the bottom of my belly but it is not prevalent.

Seriously I want to kick your dad's sorry butt into next week.  I think you need to assert yourself toward him.  Next time he says something like that (it's really low of him to say stuff like that in front of company, too) I think you are entitled to slam your hands or fists down (make a big noise get his-and company's-attention) and say something along the lines of "Dad, stop being a jerk.  You do not have the right to talk about me that way."  You can change words if you want, maybe add an insult to him...also if you get in his face-->stand over him if he's sitting, or get right up in his face, maybe even give him a light shove in the shoulder.  Bottom line, your father is supposed to support you, not bad mouth you (especially if he's more serious than joking)...assert yourself.  You don't have to take that.

Thank you for the comments! I don't actually think I'm overweight; I'm pretty content at where I'm at. But even if I had my perfect ideal body, the mean jokes would still hurt my feelings. I'm pretty sure he's not trying to be hateful and he's never outright said I was fat/ugly. He'll just say things like, don't go eating all the cake, the rest of the guests want some too.

I think it may be my fault too. When he says things like that, normally I just laugh it off to cover my embarassment. I think this time I'll take your suggestions and look him in the eye and say something like, "that's not funny". Maybe confronting him in front of the guests instead of when he's alone will make him stop. It's just so much harder to act assertive when you're in front of bunches of people and you just want to melt into the floor...

Thank you again and wish me luck for tomorrow!

Good luck tomorrow.  Just remember, his behavior is inappopriate, especially in front of company.  Tell him he is supposed to SUPPORT you in life, not put you down and discourage or embarrass you.

Original Post by mishm0sh:

Thank you for the comments! I don't actually think I'm overweight; I'm pretty content at where I'm at. But even if I had my perfect ideal body, the mean jokes would still hurt my feelings. I'm pretty sure he's not trying to be hateful and he's never outright said I was fat/ugly. He'll just say things like, don't go eating all the cake, the rest of the guests want some too.

I think it may be my fault too. When he says things like that, normally I just laugh it off to cover my embarassment. I think this time I'll take your suggestions and look him in the eye and say something like, "that's not funny". Maybe confronting him in front of the guests instead of when he's alone will make him stop. It's just so much harder to act assertive when you're in front of bunches of people and you just want to melt into the floor...

Thank you again and wish me luck for tomorrow!

 Just simply telling him "That's not funny," is an awesome idea.  Later, you might also tell him privately that you used to laugh because you were mortified, not because you thought it was funny.

The thing about some people is that they have such iron hides that they think anything is out on the table for them to have their fun with.  You have to let them know in no uncertain terms that it is enexcusable behavior.

Good luck.  Let us know how it turns out.

Did you ever consider just saying: Okay, knock it off, baldy?

Seriously, I don't know if he's bald, but I do know that guys are a lot more blunt about stuff than women. And since you are obviosly not fat, could he be doing it more because he KNOWS it gets to you? If he knows that you're sensitive about it, and maybe you are because even your sister recognized that he pushed a button and changed the topic, then try poking at him a little to show that he can't get to you.

i agree with what most have said you have to call him out on it in front of the same people he said it to.

I would say something like "you think you are a right comedian when you have an audience".

Original Post by mishm0sh:

Thank you for the comments! I don't actually think I'm overweight; I'm pretty content at where I'm at. But even if I had my perfect ideal body, the mean jokes would still hurt my feelings. I'm pretty sure he's not trying to be hateful and he's never outright said I was fat/ugly. He'll just say things like, don't go eating all the cake, the rest of the guests want some too.

I think it may be my fault too. When he says things like that, normally I just laugh it off to cover my embarassment. I think this time I'll take your suggestions and look him in the eye and say something like, "that's not funny". Maybe confronting him in front of the guests instead of when he's alone will make him stop. It's just so much harder to act assertive when you're in front of bunches of people and you just want to melt into the floor...

Thank you again and wish me luck for tomorrow!

While your father should not be making these comments anyway, I will say that you laughing it off might be contributing to his continued insults.  One thing I have learned about these situations is that we teach people how to treat us.  If you teach him (by laughing off what he says) that it is okay to say these things, he will continue to do so.  If you teach him that it is not okay (by doing any one of the fabulous suggestions these CCers have given you), he will eventually stop.  If you embarrass him enough in front of other people (seeing as he sees fit to embarrass you in front of other people), he will realize that he can't treat you the way he has been treating you.

Good luck!  Be assertive! 

Original Post by shoe1200:

Did you ever consider just saying: Okay, knock it off, baldy?

Seriously, I don't know if he's bald, but I do know that guys are a lot more blunt about stuff than women. And since you are obviosly not fat, could he be doing it more because he KNOWS it gets to you? If he knows that you're sensitive about it, and maybe you are because even your sister recognized that he pushed a button and changed the topic, then try poking at him a little to show that he can't get to you.

5'4" and 125 lbs isn't overweight at all, but I didn't consider that the Dad might not think so either. Either way it's just cruel and belittling and and I can't fathom why anyone would want to treat their own child like this. At least it sounds like the OP has a sister who is willing to try and stick up for her.

Good luck in confronting him, mishm0sh. Please update us.

Not sure if he's done this belittling thing again since your post and which of all these great ideas you chose or choose, to handle it with, but my suggestion is that you just turn to him and Sweetly tell him "Thank you for Caring!" and say nothing more, perhaps a forced smile is all. Then, at a time when it's just the two of you, let him know in no uncertain terms, that when he says this to you, it hurts you deeply. Tell him too, that you wonder if he is doing this on purpose to cause you shame or pain, or is he really such a callous man that he just can't find something nice to say. You are not overweight, and if he has made you feel like you need to be bone-skinny for his approval, then perhaps it's time to accept the fact that he has a serious personality problem and it really has nothing to do with you. You can catch more flies with honey, so keep the sweetness there. I'm sorry your Dad is not more loving and kind and sensitive to you. It's possible he just never got in touch with his own deep-rooted feelings about this or much of any relationship, so try to keep a forgiving heart, or maybe even tell him next time, that you Forgive him for being so hurtful to you!