Father is terminal, how do I maintain healthy weight loss?

Hi everyone.  I'm 29, and trying hard to lose weight.  I've got about 68 left to lose.  My problem is that my Father, who's 55,  has terminal colon cancer.  He's been fighting it for the last 7 years but he's finally hit the wall and there's nothing left they can do for him.  I'm closer with him than I am with my Mother.  I've elected to help with his care at home as he does not want to die in a hospital.  Today he took a pretty bad turn and discovered he can no longer walk and his kidneys may be shutting down.  My Mother has a bad shoulder and relies on me to help with things.  I also think she's in the beginning stages of Alzheimers.  Though we've had 7 years to prepare for this time, it wasn't enough time.  I keep my brave face on and show as much strength as I can because I know that's what my Mother needs.  (She's a VERY emotional, glass half empty type of person)  My Mother's way of dealing with stress is to eat and make other people eat.  Though she is Type 2, the house is FULL of junk and she pushes it on anyone that is there.  This has been a "tradition" in our family for a long time.  I'm trying hard to break it and am very careful not to teach my son to turn to food for comfort.

So my question is, how do I cope with all the stress but continue to stay on track with my weight loss?  How do I politely tell my forgetful Mother time and again that I don't need/want all the junk? 

Is your father aware that your mother is showing signs of dementia? You are caring for two ill parents and also raising a son? 

The food your mother pushes you to eat is likely the least of your worries at this point.

You need professional respite during the final phases of your father's illness. I have no idea what kind of medical coverage you have, but you need home nursing care to support you so that you can have an afternoon or evening off here and there. This is an incredibly intense time coming up and it will use a lot of your energy reserves.

I know you want to be there and have that time, but if you collapse in the process then there is still your mother and son who need you to be o.k.

You need emotional, physical and psychological nourishment -- join a support group for people caring for their parents and perhaps see a therapist to help you through the grieving process and how to create health boundaries with your mother while supporting her.

Please take very good care of yourself.

Wow.  You certainly have your hands full right now.  I'm so sorry to hear about your father.  I'm sure it is a great comfort to him to have you close by.

As for your health (mental and physical) I can't think of anything better than a support group.  Please look into joining one.  It might be able to help you cope with all sorts of things that you are going through at the moment.  The best groups are the ones that you can actually meet in person, but I hear that there are some really good groups online too.  I bet googling for it would get you a ton of info.

As far as the food thing.....I can't think of any good advice except to go easy on yourself.  You aren't wonder woman.  You might want to just try maintaining your weight for the time being so that you don't add uneeded stress to yourself.

Good luck, hun!

my father was found to be terminal about a week or so before he passed away from cancer.  it was a whirlwind of emotions and our family did eat a lot of treats to comfort ourselves while we were trying to "celebrate" his life.

i had a very odd relation with food a couple months since he passed away because i was trying to eat a bunch of nostalgic foods to comfort the emptiness i was feeling but at the same time i would become angry and even more depressed because the foods i loved the most did not help ease the sorrow for me. i went through a phase of eating practically nothing but junk, to losing my appetite all together to finally getting back in to something more normal.  trying to live as normally as i was before and focus on my daily life and loved ones is the only thing really keeping my sane atm.

my heart goes out to you, just remember that your father is going to a better place where his suffering will end, and that he would not want for you and your family to be sad for him.

I am so sorry for your family's health. My thoughts are with you. In situations like this people use food in different ways often to deal with the feelings etc around them. Is there others in your family that can help you care for them? How about friends and family to have emotional support along with therapy? Is there a way instead of focusing on weight loss you can focus on just taking care of you in all forms mental and physical? Can you sit your mom down and explain how though you are thankful she is trying to help you that you need to follow a meal plan for your health and that everyone is different. That you will have small treats she has which I think in any diet whether weight loss or gain is ok. I hope things look up soon and you take care.

Hang in there. It can be a roller coaster ride, but perhaps you need to concentrate more on your Dad than your weight right now. Maybe you can take  a few power walks now and then to clear your mind and to get some exercise.  Mothers can be kind of tough on us sometimes, mine no exception. I too, was much closer to my Dad than Mom, and for the months after his was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, I was there for him. Mom is still a puzzle to me, but she probably thinks the same thing about me! When I stayed with Mom while Dad was having an aortic valve replacement at 92, she would just stare at me! Like she was wondering who I was. (She told me later it was because she hadn't realized how much I looked and acted like my Dad) We fought a lot over stupid things. All the time this was going on my office was falling apart and I was trying to run a major election at home. Somehow, though we got through it and  a few months after my dad died, I was able to focus on me and my weight and mental issues with my Mom. We are only capable of so much and maybe weight is one issue you could put on the back burner for a while. I completely feel for you and think you are a very courageous young woman. I am in my 60's and have more life experience , but it makes no difference in the hurt. My heart goes out to you!

I feel for you.  I lost my mother 3 years ago to breast cancer and was also responsible for her home care when we turned to palliative care.  It was also the first time I'd ever decided to try to lose weight.

It's a scary and emotional time where I personally felt like everything was spiraling out of my control.  My eating habits however, were the one thing I STILL had control over. My mother wanted nothing but comfort foods, and who was I to deny her? She raised me to turn to food for comfort, cheering me up on sad days with cookies or ice cream or a huge dinner. So in my best efforts I kept a stockpile of healthy stuff for myself, and cooked her anything she wanted.  Sometimes I just had a smaller portion of something less-then-great and a salad on the side or something.

Take control of your intake, stay healthy, because now when you're under so much physical and mental stress is when your body needs all the healthy stuff you can give it!  Just be firm in your position to your mother, or have smaller portions if she insists. If you have a bad week, day, month, whatever don't beat yourself up about it, losing weight is hard enough, not to mention when you're under so much stress.

You're not alone, and you're in my thoughts and prayers! <3

Original Post by hedgren:

Is your father aware that your mother is showing signs of dementia? You are caring for two ill parents and also raising a son? 

The food your mother pushes you to eat is likely the least of your worries at this point.

You need professional respite during the final phases of your father's illness. I have no idea what kind of medical coverage you have, but you need home nursing care to support you so that you can have an afternoon or evening off here and there. This is an incredibly intense time coming up and it will use a lot of your energy reserves.

I know you want to be there and have that time, but if you collapse in the process then there is still your mother and son who need you to be o.k.

You need emotional, physical and psychological nourishment -- join a support group for people caring for their parents and perhaps see a therapist to help you through the grieving process and how to create health boundaries with your mother while supporting her.

Please take very good care of yourself.

 Yes, my Father is aware of my Mothers condition but he wants to think that it is just "stress".  I know this is his defense mechanism so I let him believe it to be true.  His plate is full and the last thing he wants is to know he's dieing and leaving behind a wife who is sick.  And yes, I have a 4 year old son (Who happens to be best buddies with my Father)

Unfortunately, the insurance company is dragging their feet with the request for Hospice.  I guess they figure if they wait long enough, they won't have to pay another claim.  I can't get them to return phone calls, nor can I get a human on the phone to talk to.  So I've decided that it's best to assume they WON'T agree to it (though I keep calling) and I stay on track with what I know my Father needs. 

Unfortunately, Dear Hubby does not handle stress well and he's not much of a nurturer.  I turn to friends for support when I need a pick-me-up.  A support group is not a bad idea.  Unfortunately, I don't have the money right now to go to therapy.  We've had to cut corners with me not working so that I can care for my Father.  Thank you for the advice! 

Original Post by tori190:

Hang in there. It can be a roller coaster ride, but perhaps you need to concentrate more on your Dad than your weight right now. Maybe you can take  a few power walks now and then to clear your mind and to get some exercise.  Mothers can be kind of tough on us sometimes, mine no exception. I too, was much closer to my Dad than Mom, and for the months after his was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, I was there for him. Mom is still a puzzle to me, but she probably thinks the same thing about me! When I stayed with Mom while Dad was having an aortic valve replacement at 92, she would just stare at me! Like she was wondering who I was. (She told me later it was because she hadn't realized how much I looked and acted like my Dad) We fought a lot over stupid things. All the time this was going on my office was falling apart and I was trying to run a major election at home. Somehow, though we got through it and  a few months after my dad died, I was able to focus on me and my weight and mental issues with my Mom. We are only capable of so much and maybe weight is one issue you could put on the back burner for a while. I completely feel for you and think you are a very courageous young woman. I am in my 60's and have more life experience , but it makes no difference in the hurt. My heart goes out to you!

 Seems like you and I had a very similar relationship with our Mothers.  She and I are VERY different people.  She is the ultimate "glass half empty" kind of person.  Very pessimistic.  Yet highly emotional (crys during commercials).  There are many things she does unintentionally (and some intentional) that just make my skin crawl.  Sometimes it's hard for me to spend much time around her.  I find myself getting annoyed easily and I know it's not her fault.  Especially now.  We're just simply different people.  And I feel bad even saying these things as I do love her very much.  She's just hard to swallow sometimes.  This whole process has taught me a great deal about patience.  I'm trying very hard to be more understanding. 

Thank you all so much for your support and advice.  It is GREATLY appreciated and I will definately look into your suggestions!!!!

Big hugs - you are doing a beautiful thing and dealing with so much at a young age. 

Well, having been part of the caregiving team for my grandfather when he had cancer, my biggest advice is to ACCEPT HELP.  And more specifically, get comfortable really identifying /breaking down tasks or needs that can help you. At such time, there's a natural inclination for caregivers to actually go inward / close down their world...out of necessity of time, or exhaustion, or need to control something when you can't control your loved one's health.

Like others mentioned, this is a roller coaster, and you can only best serve your dad by taking care of yourself as well, both mentally and physically.  I agree that this isn't likely a good time to try to lose weight. Maintaining would be a great goal right now, and you have to be forgiving of yourself if that doesn't happen.

You mentioned that you lean on your friends for support...are any local? Are there any neighbors or extended family doing the 'just tell us what you need' speech? Well guess what, they all really mean it.  Really. Just like you would if someone you cared for were experiencing things.  Everyone just feels helpless/doesn't want to intrude/ is looking for instruction.

So ask someone to stop by just for a half hour here and there just so  you can go for a walk/clear your head a little or call a friend. Or run errands. Or assign someone a list to run errands for you.

Ask the people closer to maybe help you with meals for yourself (and mom, if she'll partake!)  Its easy for someone to just double a recipe that they were making for their own dinner anyway, freeze it and deliver it quickly. Then you have healthy things at your fingertips more often. If (ha!) you have any free time yourself right now, spend a few hours cooking and freezing meals for yourself in preparation for those final days/weeks - -that's when you will really need it most. (I found towards the end with my grandfather that we started to do a ton of takeout b/c it was easy and we weren't food shopping for us/no one emotionally felt like cooking and cleaning. Bad call!)  Ask them to pick up and drop off a few pieces of fresh fruit the next time they do  their own shopping. Or a salad.

People really do want to help  Its a sensitive time that everyone handles differently - but if you can articulate what you need,  people would rally.  Without instructions, most people default to junk comfort food - bring over cakes, cookies, etc - -exactly what you don't need on top of your mom's naughty habits.  

Hang in there and we'll all be here for you when you're able to get back into "lose" groove!

Ugh! Well I hope at least a support group might be available to you.

I understand the need to allow your father to believe what he needs to right now. Thank goodness you have friends for support -- but perhaps you could even lean on them to a greater level?

You seem to fill everyone's emotional needs and maturity gaps in the entire family so I'm guessing you don't feel too comfortable asking your friends for more help because it's likely not in your personality?

You probably need just a tad more than a "pick me up" over the next while. If you can find a way to ask friends to make frozen meals for you and the family, or take some of your laundry to do, or even just be the ones to go pick up prescriptions or have your son over for an afternoon...it's all these kinds of things that can prop you up just enough that you don't collapse yourself during the whole ordeal. As others have already pointed out.

And maybe hubby can be assigned non-emotional things -- he could take on the insurance company as his task. The men in my life are all about getting things to happen and not so much about the hand-holding thing too.

Please be very kind to yourself and do let us know how you are! Hugs.

OMG - getting Hubby on the insurance company is the best idea ever - one less aggravation for you, and he'll feel useful!

My heart goes out to you. It must be a very difficult time, and I cant even begin to imagine what you must be feeling.

One word of advice though- it might actually help you cope with the stress a little better if you took some time- even fifteen minutes to half an hour- out each day for yourself and used it to exercise. Exercise helps me through me darkest moments and lifts my spirits.

Also try deep breathing. I know you are busy but it helps if you just take a few minutes during the day.

Hugs and prayers.