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Is this my fault....really struggling again!

Hey guys, i posted on here the other week saying that i have struggled with anorexia for the past year or so but thought i was doing better.  My lowest was 7st 6lbs (105lbs) at 5ft 5 and between start of July to mid Sep i put half a stone on (8st - 112lbs).  I went on holiday and put on 3lbs which i wanted to lose and cut back on my cals (had upped to 1,400 ish) and cut back down to 1,100.  I was just going to do this for 2 weeks but its been nearly 6 and iv not managed to get my cals back up and im now back down to 7st 7lbs.

I suppose i dont really know what im asking for here ... i know that i should be eating more, especially as i run 10k 4times a week at the gym.  I also know that my top half looks anorexic but for the first time in my life i dont mind my legs or flat stomach.

I have suffered with depressionw hich i am over but i do suffer still with low moods, i get very tired, my hands are feet are constantly freezing (to the point where i feel sick) and my muscles hurt...when i have a shower, the hot water kind of "hurts" my body.

The thing is though, i cant seem to tell myself that im not "well" and have this thing in my head that is saying that iv not collapsed etc so i cant be ill really.

I suppose im looking for someone to be honest and tell me straight...is it the lack of food that is making me feel ill.  And also, i keep feeling this strange tense feeling in my chest...is it all related??

Any help is greatly appreciated

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You don't have to collapse to be unwell.  And you're unwell.  Everything you describe... depression/low moods, fatigue and severe chills... are consistent with malnutrition.  And the aches and pains are because there is no fat on your body providing insulation or protection.   When you're malnourished and underweight it also puts a great strain on your internal organs such as the heart.  Do you get regular periods?  Is the tissue around the inside of your eyelids a healthy pink or very white?  Does your skin look plump and fresh or sallow and patchy? ....  There are lots of ways a body will tell you it's sick.

You need to see a doctor if you can't successfully eat more voluntarily.   Anorexia nervosa is a terrible condition but can be treated with the right specialist services.   Talk to people close to you about this and ask for their support...  maybe it would be reassuring if they came with you to the doctor's appointment?  In the meantime stop going to the gym as you are putting even more stress on your weakened body and burning up too much energy.

Good luck

You dont need someone telling you upstraight that what you are feeling is because of your low intake. You eat too little and it gets worst if you exercise. Do you know that putting your body into this much stress with all the exercising and undereating will make you have a heart attack at such a young age? Ive seen so many girls who are in the same position as you who have nearly DIED because of this. You KNOW you are not doing it correctly and you know that you should up your calories. Dont look for excuses to keep you from upping. So what if you  havent collapsed? To be freezing all the time, to look anorexic, to have hot water hurt you, and having CHEST PAINS are a clear indication that your health is getting worst by the minute and it can be fatal.

You are malnourished....when you dont have enough fat to sustain your body, and not eating enough for your activity level, the body starts eating away on muscles...when there is no muscle to keep functioning, it goes for your organs....The heart is already a muscle...and you NEED fat around your organs so that you can survive even.

So up your intake, get professional help, a support group...get yourself into a inpatient program...do what you need, but you MUST get out of this NOW before its too late.

please be wise...you know better than this....feed your body, stop exercising, and focus on your life....you are slowly commiting suicide and you dont even notice it.

I hope you follow our advice...

take care

 EDIT: also you are at risk of having osteoporosis at the age of 40, losing all your teeth as well. Having heart attacks, and kidney and bladder failure. losing your hair...etc etc....is being skinny worth all of this? I dont really think so.

Thankyou for your replies....

gi-jane: I do have regular periods (although i am on the pill), the tissue in my eyes seems to be pink, i suppose that my skin is dull and sallow looking but this is why i cant accept that i m not well beause i dont think i look ill.  I have been to the doctors and have had blood tests but im all fine...which tells me im not medically ill.

bananee: i really appreciate and understand what you are saying but to me, i just think that thats all extreme and for someone eating 600cals a day and weghing at least a stone lighter than me.

I dont want to carry on feeling like this for the rest of my life but i cant seem to change things when i know how too...why?

How can i have 2 brains in my head?! I have the logical one that knows eating is required for health, doesnt see it as naughty or weak and wants to feel strong and healthy.  Then there is the devil brain who sees me getting up at 5:15 to work 7-3 everyday then going to the gym for an hour 4times (sometimes 5) a week and managing it.  The brain who says "this is how you have set your life now, this is how you have been living for awhile so this is you, everyone else can eat and not be greedy but your not like them".

I feel like im going insane!xx

Go back to the doctor.   Anorexia is a serious mental illness with physical side-effects that often result in death.  If you're young, your body can tolerate a lot of abuse before it fails  'Medically' your vital signs may still be registering as OK and you may think you look fine but the chills, the aches and pains, low moods and chronic fatigue are screaming otherwise.    When you're mentally ill you don't see things the way others do and you have a warped image of yourself to contend with.   When you're mentally ill it doesn't matter what your weight is.... you qualify for treatment.  Any doctor knowing your history and listening to the mental traumas you're going through will not think you are wasting their time.    But you have to give them the full story and not fob them off that you're feeling OK.

If you don't want to feel like you do for the rest of your life you have to get some help.   You're clearly not able to win the mental battle yourself so you need to recruit reinforcements that can see the situation for what it is..... friends, family and the medical profession.   If you broke your leg you wouldn't be struggling with your 'devil brain' to convince yourself get treatment.... you'd be straight down to Casualty.  Don't wait until they're wheeling you into an ambulance.... act now.

Original Post by xbarmyx:

Thankyou for your replies....

gi-jane: I do have regular periods (although i am on the pill), the tissue in my eyes seems to be pink, i suppose that my skin is dull and sallow looking but this is why i cant accept that i m not well beause i dont think i look ill.  I have been to the doctors and have had blood tests but im all fine...which tells me im not medically ill.

bananee: i really appreciate and understand what you are saying but to me, i just think that thats all extreme and for someone eating 600cals a day and weghing at least a stone lighter than me.

I dont want to carry on feeling like this for the rest of my life but i cant seem to change things when i know how too...why?

 

 

Im sorry but no...IT IS NOT extreme at all. How much do you think you burn each time you exercise? An active 17 year old that exercises for an hour a day 6 times a week burns as much as 2,700 calories a day. How much are you eating? 1,100? which is not even enough to keep bodily functions. So lets say you burn an estimate of about 300 calories an hour for each of your exercises. Do the math. 1,100 minus 300 calories total an estimated amount of 800 calories. And you're saying this is not extreme? when your body is meant to be burning at least 2,000+ calories??? You've got to open your eyes to reality. Just because you've lived your life up until now without any health complications, it doesnt mean that you wont suffer the consequences in the long run. These things WILL happen to you if you continue this. 800 calories is NOT anywhere NEAR what you should have...and anywhere below 1,200 is enough to put your body at risk...doesnt matter if its 200, 300, 600 or 900...they are all going to get you hospitalized and in the brink of DEATH.

This is no joke. this is your body, your life...you KNOW that you are slowly killing yourself...and Im just talking crudely here..Im speaking without holding myself back or making thins seem "nicer" because they are not, and they wont be, trust me. You have your period because of the pill...try going off the pill for a month..I bet anything that aunt flow wont even show signs of coming back.

Seriously, get help, get yourself out of that hole now.

There is no good done in living in denial..which is what you're doing now...

Chose to believe what you want to believe, but when you start seeing your hair fall off, and you are told by your doctors that you've lost a lot of bone density and that by the time you're 40 years old you will need a wheel chair or walkers you'll remember why I told you this, and why should have gotten yourself some help a soon as you could.

You ARE  in denial....so listen to what gi-jane and I have been telling you, and stop pretending like everything's ok, because you know better.

if you're still not convinced, read through this thread.

http://caloriecount.about.com/eating-disorder s-resources-information-thread-ft66933

EDIT: Actually, watch this video, and see why Im not being "extreme" at all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stH-LRTjEC0

800 isn't enough. 1100 isn't enough. An adult female needs 1200 calories minimum, a teenage girl or an adult man need 1500 calories minimum, and a teenage boy 1800 calories minimum when UTTERLY SEDENTARY. The exercise you are doing right now is only adding to the stress your body will be under.

The physical dangers that come with undereating and being underweight are numerous. You put yourself at risk of osteoporosis, of loss of fertility if you lose your period, hair loss, electrolyte problems, a weakening of the immune system, low blood pressure, blood disorders such as anemia, heart problems, and even death. From The Body Neglected: Between 5% and 20% of people who develop [anorexia] eventually die from it.

• Dieting & Metabolism - This article explains starvation mode and why undereating is counter productive.
• The Body Neglected - This is what happens when you undereat for an extended period of time.

I suggest you speak to a doctor, a college councellor, a family member, a friend, a clergymember - anyone you can trust - about this and get help as soon as you can. Please look at this website - http://www.something-fishy.org - as it is an invaluable resource for people who struggle with disordered eating. You do not need to collapse to be ill, but starving will make you ill. Go speak to your doctor.

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